What would you do with DD14 - wits end here

[Bibbling]

I’m at a loss. These problems are relatively small but it’s all adding up: DD is incredibly rude and dismissive which I’ve broadly made my peace with. She is unhelpful around the house, and does very little or no homework but is smart enough so the grades are so so. Just one after school activity which again I’ve made my peace with.

Post parent teacher meeting we all agreed that she would do an hour of school work Monday to Wednesday. The rest of the time she is free to be on her phone (it’s taken at bedtime)

She isn’t doing the school work and lied about submitting something last night. Today I told her she needed to do it before her activity and she’s been so obnoxious she has told me that I am a ‘disgusting liar’

Ive taken the phone and shes now saying she won’t go to tennis until she gets it back. Tennis is held over us as she knows we are eager for her to do some exercise . She does however enjoy it.

She then proceeded to take her dinner to the couch - there is no eating meals on the couch - and she says that I can’t make her stop.

I mean what would you do with this. She’s now doing the work but only after an almighty showdown and it’s exhausting and destructive

Also OP yes to chores. It is ridiculous at 14 she is doing nothing to help in the house.

Thank you for all the replies, each and every one has given me some strength.

i have the phone and she asked to be dropped to tennis so some progress

It’s not really a battle ( although they think it is) it’s about boundaries and respect

She refuses to go to tennis = she the fees for the session are deducted from her pocket money so you don’t waste your own money.

She will only eat on the couch= she doesn’t eat until sat at the table.

Don’t let her walk all over you.

If you really want the school work doing then take her phone as soon as she gets home from school and only give it back when you can see the work has been done.

@Mischance Thank you, that post was very thoughtful and thought provoking

Don't do this. She is growing up and forming her own opinions and personality. You will not get results doing any of this. Always talk and negotiate.

Pick your battles. The more rules you have, the more battles you will fight.

Is she year 9 op? They are always the worst year group to teach, peak hormones but not really mature enough to deal with it. It will get better. Keep calm, keep enforcing boundaries. Schools can be a bit slack in y9 with h/w, hopefully once she's picked options it should pick up the pace. If she's y10 then I would be in touch with the school to complain about the lack of homework being set and also find out if they use anything like Seneca or gcse pod. Get her doing some regular revision instead....to earn screen time. I would use confiscating the phone for fixed periods as a consequence. Maybe also have a conversation about rewards she could earn when she's in a good frame of mind. Another thing you could do is start looking ahead at colleges and courses to give her some motivation. I find our teens get really excited by the 'grown upness' of college when the visit.

That plate would have been snatched off her and dinner straight in the bin and my kids know it too. Teens who don’t do their homework in this house do not get pocket money/lifts/Wi-Fi/use of any devices I have paid for. However I am flexible in other ways eg their job is school/college, I don’t expect any other chores except keeping rooms minimally tidy and occasionally taking a rubbish bag out, helping me bring the shopping in, bringing me laundry, washing their own plates after breakfast etc. I’ll probably be roasted for all this but we have a happy harmonious home (mostly! 😁) so it’s working at the moment 🤞🏻

I often eat dinner on the couch so that wouldn't bother me at all.

By the way - the DD you love and are proud of is there somewhere - it is just well hidden at this age!

I do anything I can to keep our relationship good and strong. Rules come second.

Then, whenever we have problems, we have a solid foundation of communication and love to fall back on.

Last week, we had some absolutely devastating news. All of my son's friends have been affected. My son is coping well - partly because I am able to support him and we are talking/hugging a lot. Other teens, not so much, because there is a lot of distance due to previous arguments, phone-taking, and lack of communication.

You asked what "I" would do - I would tell her what I think of all these things (play tennis, do homework, eat at the table), but then:

Tennis - she's old enough to choose her own interests (or none) - but if she wants to stop going, then she should be the one to have that difficult conversation with the coach.

Eating on the couch - if she stains the sofa, she can pay for it to be cleaned out of her own money.

Homework - she has to deal with the consequences from school of not doing it.

Phone - teenagers need strong friendships to see them through these difficult years. Those friendships seem to depend heavily on social media nowadays. Being left out of a group-chat, and not being able to contact friends all the time is a big deal. The only reason I would ever take my son's phone is if the misdemeanor was directly phone-related (eg. he was bullying someone in a chat group or sharing something inappropriate - which he's never done, btw!)

I know this is quite different to lots of the other responses, but having been through what we have in the last week, I am pretty confident now that I am doing ok as a parent.

I think 13-15 ish are the hardest years with teens. Even the good ‘uns can become so moody, lazy and rude.
Agree with previous posters that it’s about them pushing boundaries, which is normal, so you have to pick your battles and decide what your hard lines are - then let a lot of the rest of it go.

(I say this as a parent of teens and someone who works with them!).

My hard line with 14 yr old is homework. She doesn’t get to do anything fun unless it’s done. No pocket money, no seeing friends ends etc. Follow through every time. I don’t argue with her if she slacks off, I just calmly remind her (even when I feel like screaming at her and even when she is rude to me) that homework is non negotiable.

My other hard line is her doing what she has agreed to do, e.g. coming home when we have agreed, going to her sporting activities, fulfilling obligations etc. If we have agreed it, she can’t just back out because she doesn’t feel like it. If she does, the same as above applies (withdrawal of fun!).

Taking her phone away is a last resort for severe pisstaking behaviour. I’ve only had to do it once when she was extremely rude to me.

Everything else I am chilled about. I am a naturally hot tempered person, so I do a lot of lip biting and hand sitting. It really is like having toddlers again. You have to put on a front of calm and stability in the face of some tremendously twattish and selfish behaviour. But it usually does pass. My 18 yr old was wild at 14, but is a sensible chap these days!

My kids are young but I’m a secondary school teacher and deal with this all the time.

Take. The. Phone.

It seems to be causing nothing but trouble. She will hate you but you’re her parent, not her friend. She can have it back when she’s 16.

Seriously, I mean it. We’ve had several issues like this with students in recent years, the phone being the main culprit. The parents who were strong and took the phone couldn’t believe the transformation.

The is SOOO much research on why phone use is negative, especially for teenage girls.

100% agree with this.

I feel a bit sorry for teens like this. Being stuck on your phone for hours can't be a happy way to live at 14.

I agree with the pp who said stay calm and firm. I'd take the phone for a week and if she did homework and attitude improved she could have it back.

Excellent advice from Mischance. Pick your battles, rudeness should not be tolerated, and I have my limits with this. DD can be prickly, usually PMT so I try to make some allowances, but equally she knows there is a line, if she crosses there will be a consequence. Otherwise, I try to treat them as much like young adults as I can, their choices/actions will have an impact on their future life. DS just sat prelims but didnt study as much as I'd have liked, nagging does no good, you cant force him to study...I've tried to explain that good results give you options later, to work/go to Uni etc, but ultimately I can encourage but really it is down to him. Teens are tricky, and often looking for a reaction, or at times just plain unreasonable but a lot of the time the niggles just aren't worth the fight. It's better to try and maintain a good relationship, as long as they know there is a boundary in place.

You don't leave the room if she's eating on the couch. You stop her eating on the couch and the situation doesn't arise. You put her dinner on the table and prevent her taking it away. If that means a tussle, fine. It will be easier to clean up the floor than the couch. If she doesn't eat at the table like a civilised human being, then she goes without. That applies to the next meal and the next...

My 14 year old is bigger than me - I am honestly agog that anyone would suggest getting into a "tussle" with a child over anything.

Just by way of an update as I see there is another post. DD has improved but then again so has our understanding of her - she has been diagnosed with dyspraxia. This diagnosis has given us better tools to understand and help her. She in turn is relieved that she is getting help.

Learning for me is - yes bad behaviour and disrespect shouldn’t be tolerated BUT quite often there is something driving this behaviour and it’s helpful for everyone to understand what’s behind all this

Same boat since 14, now at 16 and even worse. Wits end!!

@Bibbling that’s a great update. I hope you’re both getting as much help as you need.

If it was me I would absolutely take her phone and limit internet time. Hoping she would then decide to do something constructive with her time. It wouldn’t be tolerated in the workplace - assuming she will need a career to support herself of course. I think when things have evened out then you can then talk sensibly about what is going on with her and how to cope with her emotions/hormones and how to make better decisions from a place of support and calm.

Just seen the update sorry. So glad you’ve managed to move forward !!