Explaining to teenage girl why it isn't safe to walk streets at night

[mumofblu]

My Dd is allowed to see friends in day at weekends and told to be home before dark unless pre arranged at someone's house and we pick her up or she is dropped off .

She wants to go out walking with her boyfriend in town at night until 9 . We've said if it's cinema , bowling etc yes but not hanging around in the city .
She goes there in the day sometimes and rule is leave town when shops close .

We don't want her wandering streets obv in town because she's not old enough to drink and not interested as far as we can tell . Her bf is same age , known to be out in dark , after being chucked out , not a good family .

How do you explain to teenager the risks of female walking alone , being out in dark .

Wr are saying because it's our rules but after Sarah Everard , Zara Aleena and many friends being attacked over the years do I start to share more details ?

How are other mums of girls approaching this with their Dd . She is 15 and not streetwise but wanting to be badass

Do you honestly think a 15yo doesn’t know what happened to those women?

You need to stay firm for another year or two, until she learns some common sense.

I let ds 15 go into town with friends if he is going somewhere specific, but not just aimlessly wandering around. I always arrange to collect him from town at a fixed time and place.

You just do, she’s 15 not 5, she probably already knows about them, she just doesn’t think they’re relevant to her because teenagers think they’re invincible.

You tell her it’s not safe, you tell her why and she’ll argue with you and you end up still having to go, that’s the rule, tough.

if it helps my 22 yr old recently said, btw, I get why you wouldn’t let me do x, y, z now, at the time I thought you were just being really strict, now I realise they weren’t safe but I didn’t at the time.

This is a tricky one because the only way they find this stuff out is eheb something happens which if course is the last thing you want.

I'm always telling dd1 this too. But its hard to get her to listen when I walk home late at night in the dark alone frequently.

Ironically one time I was slightly later she got worried and kept calling me so she worries if im late but also wants to walk late at night from.friemds houses at 16.

Head. Desk

Teens think they’re invincible and it won’t happen to them. There was a woman in the news last week, an attacker knocked out her companion while walking through the town centre and told her if she didn’t consent to sex he’d kill her friend. I think all you can do is highlight this sort of story and forbid her from doing stupid things.

At 15 I let mine, they are nearly adults, you can't wrap them in cotton wool forever. I know it's worrying but it's incredibly rare to be attacked, so rare we all know about it, a case nearly 2 years ago. Perspective is hard I know but you need it.

How about a self defence class for her to give you both confidence? Mine play rugby so I'm not overly concerned I admit

Where do you live? It’s unlikely to be an issue in our sleepy little Midlands town.. and anything that got my 15yo off her laptop and getting some fresh air and exercise would be encouraged.

Seriously, don’t tell her this. How often does this happen? What are the chances?
She needs to learn to assess risk, she won’t do this if you are behaving like some sort of Mother Gothel

At 15, with a boyfriend, she knows exactly what men are capable of doing to women.
She also knows that too often women are the ones asked to remove themselves from the risk.

I'd be concerned about her wanting to be a "badass". That's not wanting to go out. That's something else entirely.

Going out, hanging out, until a reasonable hour, with friends or boyfriends, at the age of 15 is very normal. And would be fairly unusual not to be permitted. I don't know of any of my 15 year old students whose parental rules about being home are as strict as the OPs tbf, though I appreciate a) their child, their rules and b) they might live in a particularly bad area.

I remember telling DD basic self-defence stuff. But ultimately, at 15, I think you have to start letting them have a bit of responsibility.

Is this the norm now? The rules? To say to any female that they can't walk alone at night? I don't want to live like that. I walk home in the dark, always have, always will. Admittedly I don't have dd's. I encourage ds2 to be aware, safe, get home safely.

I too think it's a bit ott. Have you talked to her about all this? Is she not mature? Why not? Why is she not streetwise at 15. Why have you not addressed that. You need to do some of the groundwork and donkey work now, that should've been done before, to prepare her for the next few years. When she finishes GCSE's and starts A'levels, are you going to tell her she can't go out at night?

It's dark at about 6.30/7pm currently - she really has to be home before that - at 15? 😕

I can see the point about being in town until 9pm though - it seems like a weird thing to do just to walk around town until 9.

I'm guessing this is just going to be hanging out somewhere with a group of kids. Do you know any of them and what kind of crowd they are? That would heavily influence my thinking on it.

Are they just nice kids with nowhere else to go? If so, won't any of their parents let them use their houses? Could they come to your place?

Why do they need/ want to be hanging around town at that time?

I think find out what she actually wants to do and why, then decide if it's safe/ if there's an alternative.

If like you say she's trying to be 'badass' and it's a bad crowd, say no or compromise and say you'll pick her up at 7/8 (as saying no outright can just cause rebellion at this age!) Good luck!

I was incensed at OP's title, but realise the thread is about OP's kid right now, not all young women everywhere forever.

The boyfriend from "not a good family" might be the main social risk in her life, (or the best thing in her life, who knows), the male she knows and wants to trust. Instead you're worried about strangers. You know who statistically would be more likely to harm her, right? And anyway, what's a "not good" family, where is he living, what is he doing with his life? How old is he? Does "not good family" mean he wouldn't be afraid to get in a scrap if someone did go for her, and he's determined (like all idealistic young people) to make something of every opportunity he gets.

Dark doesn't hurt people, dark doesn't assault you. People hurt people.

I have older teen girls. I feel it's more important to teach them how to be out safely in the dark. Well lit areas, not shortcuts through alleyways, keep aware of who's around/following, someone knows where they are etc. There's going to come a time very soon your DD needs to be able to do this herself.

But mine have always been discouraged from going out just to hang out in town. I think that's when issues can start to happen amongst the group. Mine have always been encouraged to do an activity with friends or go to each other's houses

Thanks for all the replies
I totally agree walking out as a woman at night should not be a risk but that's not being realistic . I have experiences myself and knowing friends who have been followed and worse , including a friend being murdered on a summers evening in a village . I try not to let this affect my reasoning .

She is doing self defence , martial arts and has other activities.
She doesn't want friends coming round to us because it's boring.
The bf being from a bad family is more about them chucking him out ( may not be true ) and him wandering till early hours , his dad doesn't live with them but involved , doesn't approve of his son seeing our daughter and is involved in criminal activity . Luckily but also sadly they can't hang out at bf house because his dad has threatened my Dd . And he can't come to us for same reason and he's not very nice in general .

She won't be honest about where she will be , who with and to do what . These won't be school friends because she doesn't have any that are allowed to do what she's asking to do , these will be Snapchat "friends" .

I taught mine always to be aware of their surroundings, not just after dark either. What I didn't do was prevent them from going out in the dark and putting that advice into practice.

There is a time when 'because I said so' works and this is different for each teenager. Eventually they realise that they can disregard you and nothing terrible will happen, but until then just hold your line. She is maturing each week and you can keep reinforcing safety messages until then.

We have encouraged her independence and taught her to use a bus , plan routes to get to peoples houses etc she's not that confident but getting better . The issue is I realise who she will be hanging around with and what they will be doing .

In December she asked to go to a fair with a boy vaguely known to us and told us they spent lots of time talking to : running from the police who we now know he is known too . So her choices are risky

But it gets dark at 4pm in Winter? Is she really supposed to be housebound all that time?

I actually cringe when I think how much and how far I used to walk at night as a young teenager because both my parents would have been over the limit so wouldnt pick me up from anywhere and made it clear if I wanted to do anything I had to make my own way home. When we lived on a country road where the nearest bus finished at 8pm, so if I got a bus home after that I'd have at least a mile walk home, alone, down an increasingly isolated road.

Making way home from the cinema would involve a long walk, then a train, then a bus then another long walk. Thought nothing of it at the time.

DS is also 15 and I don't allow him out in the dark either. It's not just females!

She is doing self defence , martial arts...

Excellent. Good for her. That, in itself, is to her advantage.
(About time it was mandatory at school, imo).

I think locking your daughters away is not the solution. Accepting that they have to do certain things to stay safe is one thing, complete lack of independence is something completely different.

We had rules like we had to stay in groups, be at certain places at certain times, call home under certain conditions (although this was pre mobile phones so it was call from Mary's house or a phone box).

I think a blanket, "no going out after dark" is ridiculous and counter productive and you are doing your children a massive disservice.

Incidentally, around here, I would insist on similar rules for boys. We have had a few incidents of young men being attacked - clearly getting into fights etc but still- so I would want ds to be following same basic security as dd.

*The issue is I realise who she will be hanging around with and what they will be doing .

In December she asked to go to a fair with a boy vaguely known to us and told us they spent lots of time talking to : running from the police who we now know he is known too . So her choices are risky*

This is your issue here OP. It's not to do with being out after dark. It's dark before 5 in winter but still light 9pm in summer. These things you're describing she could be doing in darkness or daylight.
It's keeping company with people aimlessly hanging around and doing dodgy stuff that could end in trouble that's your issue.
I would put my food down about that and try and steer her to "safer" activities and friendship groups

As above.
The issue here is not 15 year old girls going out/hanging out/having boyfriends.
It's the fact that your daughter sounds as if she has a boyfriend and friendships none of us (at face value) would wish for our daughters.

Not sure what the answer is, but not letting her out after dark won't be it.

Loads of good advice here. If it also helps, in Phillipa Perry's book she recommends focussing your boundaries on your worries and reasons - rather than making it about your DC or the fear. For example 'I don't want you staying out late at night because I'm not ready for you to take that next step yet, I worry about the risks for a young girl out at night and although I completely trust you - I am not ready for that step yet. I will be in a year or so but please just bear with me for now - I'm sorry that this is hard for you and I know you'd really like to do this right now and we will get there eventually. For now I will be picking you up at this time and this place'. I quite liked the idea of this strategy as it doesn't make the issue all about what could go wrong, potentially imparting lots of anxiety and also they will still be able to feel like you trust them.

I do feel at 15 that a measured conversation about the risks for a young woman would also be important. You can then problem solve together - ask DD what she can do to keep herself safe and what you can offer to support her with this. Make some gentle suggestions if she doesn't get there herself. She can feel empowered if you approach it this way.