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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds likely to be kicked out of college

68 replies

dunnyknowwhattdo · 30/01/2023 18:55

Regular poster but have name changed
please be kind I have only found out this afternoon I am shocked upset and don’t know what do
ds 18 college rang today about an incident that happened on Friday him and some of his friends took mda on college grounds it’s on cctv he’s admitted it when asked. One of them ended up in hospital so the police have been notified. He has been suspended while they do an investigation and is likely to be kicked out of college

I am shocked disappointed he’s been so stupid he’s in his second year so won’t be able to complete his course if they kick him out . I’ve felt sick all afternoon in work struggled to concentrate and think I’ve forgotten to do a password change so will be locked out in the morning

I don’t know how to handle this with him he is naturally a very laid back person so while he will apologise and admit he’s been stupid he won’t come across as bothered about consequences which will wind me up He’s generally a good kid has just started going out as recently turned 18 and he’s been sensible not got rat arsed kept me updated by text and come home when he said he would

what punishment is suitable how do I get him to understand how serious this is I’ve never done any form of drugs neither has dh.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 30/01/2023 18:57

Isn't the punishment by being suspended, likely being kicked out of college and police involvement enough? Hopefully he takes this as a wake up call and this was a one off

Roselilly36 · 30/01/2023 19:05

Handhold OP, yes I think he will be kicked out, colleges take these matters seriously, especially as a student has been hospitalised, I hope they fully recover, otherwise there may be more serious charges brought by police. Your DS needs to realise how seriously this could effect him in future, should he want to travel to the US etc, the chances are his Esta would be declined.

Original poster
dunnyknowwhattdo · 30/01/2023 19:09

Maybe it is punishment enough he just seems so laid back it is what it is i can’t change it now kind of attitude which is true but frustrates me. I am stressed and maybe I am being dramatic thinking that he’s ruined his career already and going to get a criminal record

if he gets thrown out of college he will have to get a full time job and hopefully apply to a different college in September

OP posts:
BurntOutGirl · 30/01/2023 19:30

I can't see how you can punish an adult. His punishment will the consequences of his actions.

PaniniHead · 30/01/2023 19:35

Sorry OP, but ‘good and sensible’ kids don’t usually go straight from only starting to go out and not getting drunk to doing MDA. More likely he has been using for some time instead of drinking and he has been caught.
As he’s legally an adult, curfews etc won’t work but If you pay for his socialising/phone/clothes/driving lessons, I would stop those completely. He has to get a job and hopefully he’ll grow up

Original poster
dunnyknowwhattdo · 30/01/2023 19:58

Burnt I guess you are right
i understand what you are saying panini but I think this is the first time he has tried it. One of his friends bought it to college and a few of them tried it. Obviously I could be wrong I don’t know what to think tonight
not making excuses for him I am extremely disappointed in him but he is easily led and struggled through out high school making friends and tried to be popular things like he would take a packet of chewing gum in and the other kids would say if you give me a piece I will be your friend or sit next to you on the bus so he would give them all out and they would laugh and sit elsewhere I thought he had grown out of it and had settled at college

we do pay for his phone and driving lessons so obviously when he gets a full time job he will have to pay for them. He does have a part time job in a pub as a kitchen porter and they have started training him as a starter chef so maybe he go full time there

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 30/01/2023 20:01

BurntOutGirl · 30/01/2023 19:30

I can't see how you can punish an adult. His punishment will the consequences of his actions.

Haha. I must introduce you to my mother. She'll educate you on that and I'm in my 60s!!!

PaniniHead · 30/01/2023 20:06

Why can’t he pay for them using his part time wages? Not being able to afford driving lessons will give him a kick up the arse and also provide a point that taking drugs and driving isn’t something you’d tolerate.
If he hadn’t been caught, would he do it again? If he isn’t bothered about consequences (and doesn’t seem to show any sort of contrition) then why support him at all? That isn’t helping him if mum and and bail him out.

ManyNameChanges · 30/01/2023 20:21

He is 18yo. Don’t bother with punishing him as if he was still 8yo.

Being excluded is punishment enough.
Next is why did he do that and us taking drugs regularly?
What will be his next steps training/college wise?
Work in the mean time.

Trinity65 · 30/01/2023 20:29

MarshaMelrose · 30/01/2023 20:01

Haha. I must introduce you to my mother. She'll educate you on that and I'm in my 60s!!!

Show quote history

Ah you have one too?

Much as I love DM I hear You
Late 50s here!

Original poster
dunnyknowwhattdo · 30/01/2023 20:30

He doesn’t earn enough his part time wages as only did 2 shifts 1 4 hour shift and 1 8 hour shift did more in the holidays he paid for his Netflix and gym membership he’s on minimum wage was £4 odd until he turned 18 a few weeks ago and we were supporting him through college obviously that has all changed today

I am not defending him I am cross disappointed in him pathetic I know but I am currently sat here in tears as having a shit time at the moment and this is just the icing on the cake

OP posts:
PaniniHead · 30/01/2023 20:33

Then he goes without OP, tough shit! Treat him like an adult. Driving lessons aren’t a necessity. Let him learn the hard way that he needs to sort himself out. Not suggesting to kick him out or stop feeding him! But phone, driving, gym, socialising- let him prioritise what is important. Getting him to work harder and be smarter about his life choices can only do him good.

Original poster
dunnyknowwhattdo · 30/01/2023 20:36

I have already said he will have to pay for his own driving lessons and phone if he’s not in college I was explaining why we did pay for them. If he is kicked out of college we expect him to find full time work and pay for them himself

OP posts:
PaniniHead · 30/01/2023 20:37

I don’t think you’re defending him at all OP🌹But don’t let yourself get caught in a trap of feeling sorry for him (no one forced him to take drugs) by protecting him and letting him continue to live as if it isn’t a big deal.

PaniniHead · 30/01/2023 20:39

Sorry, I was replying to your ‘we do pay for his phone and driving lessons so obviously when he gets a full time job he will have to pay for them.’
if he doesn’t get a full time job (because he is so laid back or doesn’t care), is he expecting you to still pay for it?
Personally, an instant effect will send the message that you won’t stand for it.
It is hard and I don’t envy your position at all.

caringcarer · 30/01/2023 20:45

What course was he doing OP? He has made a stupid mistake. He knows it. He is probably more upset that he lets on to you. Suggests he works as many hours as he can until summer but encourage him to apply again for September. I doubt he would make same mistake again. I know it hurts when you realise one of your kids has messed up and jeopardized their chances in life. Leave the punishment to college. Encourage him to email an apology, show remorse and state he feels really bad about making such a bad choice. I hope he gets another chance at his course.

Yfory · 30/01/2023 20:46

PaniniHead · 30/01/2023 19:35

Sorry OP, but ‘good and sensible’ kids don’t usually go straight from only starting to go out and not getting drunk to doing MDA. More likely he has been using for some time instead of drinking and he has been caught.
As he’s legally an adult, curfews etc won’t work but If you pay for his socialising/phone/clothes/driving lessons, I would stop those completely. He has to get a job and hopefully he’ll grow up

Oh yes they do! Mine did. Zero crazy to full on drugs and alcohol almost overnight. And then most nights for weeks/months after that. And hes really not unusual I dont think.

Perfectpenelope · 30/01/2023 20:47

I get it. I have been there on both sides. You desperately don’t want DS to make mistakes that could ruin his life.
I really put my parents through it and I was very lucky for the most parts I didn’t get caught. My parents had a shit time worrying about me and they didn’t know the half of it.
I would hate to think of my DC behaving as I did and getting into a lot of trouble that might affect the rest of their lives.
I hope this is enough to shock him and he realises it isn’t easy come easy go - it’s serious. You sound like a nice mum and you’ve been doing your best. Sometimes people make mistakes and that will include our DC. Just hope this is as serious as it gets 💐

ShockedAndAwake · 31/01/2023 07:27

I wouldn't punish him. I think being caught is punishment enough. I'm really anti drugs but it's really not the end of the world. I'd treat it as a problem to be solved. Can he finish his courses online or can he carry on at college but work remotely.
I'd be trying to work with the college to find a way to get him to stay on.

Mine and most of my friends kids are mostly in their mid twenties and a few of them did something really dumb but have got over it and are now doing well. One of my friend kids crashed a car while on drugs and ended up going to court over it. His parents were devastated but the boy learnt from it and hasn't given them a moments worry since.
My kids were surprised how many kids took drugs at their universities. It was really normal. It doesn't make it ok at all and I'd be extremely disappointed in your son too but I don't think this is need to be something that going to ruin his life.

I think you will probably end up with more power and control if you deal with it calmly. You need to work out what your end goal is.

One thing you could consider is asking him to to take regular drug tests if he wants to carry on living at home. They are cheap and effective. You can buy them on Amazon.

Original poster
dunnyknowwhattdo · 31/01/2023 08:35

Thank you everyone for your kind words I’ve barely slept all night. I am having a bit of a tough time at the moment and this is the icing on the cake.

OP posts:
Original poster
dunnyknowwhattdo · 31/01/2023 17:24

He’s been kicked out of college I asked if he could do the course online and they will get back to me also if he can take any credits/ grades from the first year of the course

OP posts:
BurntOutGirl · 31/01/2023 17:54

dunnyknowwhattdo · 31/01/2023 17:24

He’s been kicked out of college I asked if he could do the course online and they will get back to me also if he can take any credits/ grades from the first year of the course

Am sorry to read this. How has he coped with the news?

Nimbostratus100 · 31/01/2023 17:58

I agree, punishment is inappropriate at 18

He needs to be spoken to as an adult, and he needs to see you are shocked and distressed and worried about his future, and also that you love him and want to support him

make a plan together for what's how he appeals this, and what he does next if the appeal is unsuccessful

Bunnyannesummers · 31/01/2023 18:02

What does he ultimately want to do after college?

What course was he doing? He’s only got a few months left so I’d be seeing how he could complete. We can advise if you give more info

Original poster
dunnyknowwhattdo · 31/01/2023 18:13

He now wants to be a chef in the forces when he started college he wanted to do something different so took health and social care and applied science he failed the health and social so dropped he couldn’t get on a chef course as it was full so he is completing year 2 of applied science and doing a one year public service course
next year he is planning on doing a chef course obviously at a different college. His part time job is training him to be a starter chef he is doing the starters again this week

so if he can’t do his course online he can look to increasing his hours in work

not sure we can appeal he’s admitted it and was caught taking it by cctv at college they have a zero tolerance policy

OP posts:
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