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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds likely to be kicked out of college

68 replies

dunnyknowwhattdo · 30/01/2023 18:55

Regular poster but have name changed
please be kind I have only found out this afternoon I am shocked upset and don’t know what do
ds 18 college rang today about an incident that happened on Friday him and some of his friends took mda on college grounds it’s on cctv he’s admitted it when asked. One of them ended up in hospital so the police have been notified. He has been suspended while they do an investigation and is likely to be kicked out of college

I am shocked disappointed he’s been so stupid he’s in his second year so won’t be able to complete his course if they kick him out . I’ve felt sick all afternoon in work struggled to concentrate and think I’ve forgotten to do a password change so will be locked out in the morning

I don’t know how to handle this with him he is naturally a very laid back person so while he will apologise and admit he’s been stupid he won’t come across as bothered about consequences which will wind me up He’s generally a good kid has just started going out as recently turned 18 and he’s been sensible not got rat arsed kept me updated by text and come home when he said he would

what punishment is suitable how do I get him to understand how serious this is I’ve never done any form of drugs neither has dh.

OP posts:
mumonthehill · 31/01/2023 18:18

I am not one to advocate joining the forces but in his situation why not join up now to be a chef. If he is hanging out with people who do drugs it would get him away from them and he will learn a trade. Hopefully he will learn his lesson and now go on wards and upwards, all you can do to encourage and support. He is lucky he is not in hospital.

Original poster
dunnyknowwhattdo · 31/01/2023 18:39

He is at the moment keen to join the army and i would rather he didn’t so thought if he went in with a trade and looked at other forces he’s not going to end up on the frontline

OP posts:
Napmum · 31/01/2023 18:46

Can I point out that "good kids do drugs" I was young (20s) had a 2:1 in my degree. And took canabis and once MDMA

This bit makes me laugh I researched the drugs on "talk to frank" to know the risks and what to look out for before I took them. 6 was a nerd and I did a stupid thing and risked a criminal conviction. Also I never broke the rules at school or college but I did this. So what OP believes could be true

Motherparent19 · 31/01/2023 19:03

When kids do drugs, ho does one determine which ones are “good kids” and high ones aren’t?

Original poster
dunnyknowwhattdo · 31/01/2023 19:05

It might of been mdma he took I am not up in the names and I was so shocked when college called me

OP posts:
Original poster
dunnyknowwhattdo · 31/01/2023 19:09

he was stupid I meant he wasn’t usually in trouble and as far as I am aware this is the first time he has tried it

OP posts:
Overgrowngrasslady · 31/01/2023 19:17

What did the police do: as you can’t join the army with a class a drug conviction, inc possession.

HarrietSchulenberg · 31/01/2023 19:30

I am very surprised that the college called you, given that he is 18, so an adult. I assume he either consented to you being told or they have some concerns about his mental health, otherwise they really should not have informed you.
I worked at a university for years and we would only have informed a parent under those circumstances.

Original poster
dunnyknowwhattdo · 31/01/2023 19:31

Nothing yet the child who ended up in hospital contracted them and college have advised them from the child who got the drugs who the dealer was. I haven’t heard anything from the police

OP posts:
Original poster
dunnyknowwhattdo · 31/01/2023 19:33

He’s at a 16th form college not university he’s only just turned 18 3 weeks ago and is in his second year at college

OP posts:
Slobbet · 31/01/2023 19:44

Can he jump on to the second year of the same course elsewhere? Or a similar course?

science a levels can be studied online and taken in alternative provisions.

Slobbet · 31/01/2023 19:45

But actually OP please get him some proper careers advice from a proper careers advisor

MagnoliaMix · 31/01/2023 19:50

Going against the grain here, but you've described a young man easily influenced by his peers. He's learned the hard way what that can lead to. My instinct would be support a young man who must be devastated, not punish him. And that doesn't mean paying for everything. But the world is teaching him a harsh lesson right now. Help him

piggijg · 31/01/2023 19:51

I'd stop funding his phone and anything else straight away. He needs a shock. Like hell I'd be funding him while he sorts out a job.

Original poster
dunnyknowwhattdo · 31/01/2023 19:52

college are going to discuss his options moving to another college apprenticeships and what can be done about his grade for the first year and he will see the careers advisor. He did see one after he failed his health and social care exam
they had a careers fair last year and that’s when he changed his mind and decided he wanted to be in army that was probably the only stand he went to though. as I’ve said before he can be easily led

OP posts:
ReamsOfCheese · 31/01/2023 19:58

MagnoliaMix · 31/01/2023 19:50

Going against the grain here, but you've described a young man easily influenced by his peers. He's learned the hard way what that can lead to. My instinct would be support a young man who must be devastated, not punish him. And that doesn't mean paying for everything. But the world is teaching him a harsh lesson right now. Help him

I would agree with this. He's probably losing/lost his circle of friends (at least if he has any sense), his college place, and he just saw one of his mates get hospitalised when on the same thing he'd also taken; he must have been scared at that point. As a couple of PPs said, straight laced kids absolutely try these things occasionally. If I were you I'd have a frank talk with him about how serious this could have been, that he had no idea what this was laced with and could have died, and let the whole thing be its own natural consequence.

FrenchandSaunders · 31/01/2023 20:03

@HarrietSchulenberg colleges and 6th forms are different from uni and parents are very involved IME. I agree once at uni there’s no involvement.

OP have a good chat with him, if he’ll open up. I know that’s easier said than done. Hopefully he’ll have learned his lesson. Drugs are everywhere now. I’m in my 50s and remember the odd spliff and a bit of other stuff but not on the scale it is now.

Original poster
dunnyknowwhattdo · 31/01/2023 20:36

He has already said he isn’t friends with them anymore due to his other mate ending up in hospital so I said that could have been him so hopefully that has shocked him. He had another group of friends at college that weren’t involved but obviously he will lose out on the social side of college as well now and friendship groups were an issue with him throughout high school he seemed to have settled in college

OP posts:
MagnoliaMix · 31/01/2023 21:13

Does he have any other source of support right now, other than his parents? It sounds an isolating, lonely time. I'd stand by him.

Growlybear83 · 31/01/2023 21:17

Perhaps he's being laid back because he doesn't really believe that he will be kicked out of college? When this happens, it might be the wake up call he needs.

Growlybear83 · 31/01/2023 21:22

Sorry, I've just seen that he has been kicked out. It's a great shame that he's lost his place, but he will hopefully learn from it. However, I do think it's a bit naive to think that this was the first time he had taken anything - sadly all you can be sure of is that it's the first time he's been caught.

Original poster
dunnyknowwhattdo · 31/01/2023 23:44

I accept I am probably being naive about this being the first time but due to covid and ds social life he has spent most of his time chatting with friends at home online nothing like his older dsis who had a huge friendship group with a lot of rich friends who where having house parties from 16. I definitely don’t know everything she got upto and one of her friends was a nightmare even at university for getting shit faced but ds has only just started going out being invited to parties and as I said he’s texted me regularly and not caused any problems when drinking
obviously this doesn’t change or excuse what he’s done at college

OP posts:
Wbeezer · 01/02/2023 00:02

I empathize @dunnyknowwhattdo my DS3( who qualified as a good boy by my standards) managed to get himself a recorded police warning for disorderly conduct( or whatever its called now) that stayed on his record for 2 years the first time he tried an illegal substance. It was the first weekend out of Lockdown.
He ' scared himself straight" and has behaved himself since. I'm not naive enough to think he will never ever try anything again, he's a student in the city now, but at least he got through the crucial two last years of education on sensible mode and passed his exams.

Original poster
dunnyknowwhattdo · 18/02/2023 00:02

Just thought i would update so the following day ds was kicked out of college he asked for full time hours in the pub he works at I said wait to see what college said about online learning first but he didn’t and they gave him more hours cheffing which is what he wants to do so is gaining experience mainly evenings but more hours
college rang both his subject teachers agreed for him to complete his courses on google classroom and will provide him with support if he needs it and he can go into college to do his exams they have only done this for him as he only has 1 module left and has already taken his earlier exams the others were first year students who hadn’t taken any exams and we’re already known to college

according to college although the police are involved ds won’t get a criminal record and they aren’t interested in him he was the bottom of the chain didn’t buy the drugs or take them to college just stupidly took it hopefully he’s learnt his lesson knuckles down although lack of structure of not going to lessons maybe a problem for him and passes these exams he has already off his own bat been looking into cheffing courses for next year

OP posts:
AllTheThingsIWantAreHere · 18/02/2023 00:04

That sounds like an ok update. It's good he can still take his exams.