DD and DH don't get along

[BrightRedLipstick]

Looking for some advice as am fed up of the mood in the house.
Not sure if this a post for the teenagers or relationship board
DD is 15 and a typical moody teenager.
She also has some issues with body image due to being overweight and is seeking counselling.
It's also GCSE year so she is extra stressed and grumpy. We hardly get a word out of her most days and is forever holed up in her room except for meals.
I find her behaviour hard but try and not take it personally hoping this is a phase.
She is normally not rude but her body language can be rude and this causes a lot of tension between DH and her.
She doesn't do a single chore but seems to manage her own washing and her messy room.
We are a boring family too.
Kids have clubs most days including weekends and school holidays are the only times we manage some things as a family which are increasingly becoming harder as DD doesn't want to join.

Things are increasingly getting difficult between DD and DH and I am caught in the middle.
She isn't as rude to me as she is to him but then my expectations of her are low which annoys DH.
She hardly talks in the car anymore and I let it slide as maybe she is tired or doesn't feel like it.
Today, DH was furious she wouldn't respond to conversation when giving her a lift back.
To be fair to her, he is very out of touch with the kids and is struggling with the teen phase. He doesn't make an effort to try and connect with her.
And to be fair to him, she isn't easy either. She has no hobbies or interests over which they can bond, refuses most invitations when asked out by us and generally wants to stay in her room alone.

I feel sorry for everyone and also helpless.
But I guess DH being an adult needs to find a way to get through and cannot lumber it on me?
Just fed up. Weekends are so awful:-(

No idea why this landed in AIBU and not the teenagers board.
If someone from the Mods could move this, I would be grateful!

His relationship with her is not something you can really force or fix between them. Just keep focusing on your relationship with her and encourage him to do the same as he is the adult.
Things may get better as she matures but it really is up to your husband to figure out how to navigate his relationship with his daughter and manage his expectations.

Teens are known for being quiet and moody. I understand you dont want to be raising a disrespectful child so some rules/expectations need to be enforced but you do say he is very 'out of touch' so he could try a bit harder.

To be honest with you I’m on you husbands side here. By your own admission your standards are low for her behaviour.
I get that she’s struggling but being surly and rude to her parents is unacceptable. You need to support your husband and be her parent, not her friend.
what are the consequences for her when she’s rude? You say doesn’t respond to conversation in the car, does she literally blank him?

Tbh I don't think she's being that unreasonable. Shes keeping to her self. She's not stomping and shouting. She's not out drinking with who knows who.

She doesn't want to chat in the car after a full day at school. Can you let her have down time before expecting her to socialise more. I think maybe it's too much to ask of her to want to hang out and chat to you. You can't force that with teenagers, the more you try to force them to spend time with you the less they want to.

She does her own washing, maybe set up a bit of chore chart so she can see what everyone else is doing and has some to do too (to avoid the "Why am I the only one who does anything in this house?!!" Tantrum)

But I think he needs to lay off her a bit.

I think he needs to let her be and give her space. Rather than forcing car convo put radio on or audio book

I think if she doesn't want to converse in the car, then that's up to her. I don't approve of rudeness, but I also don't insist on enforced interaction if one of my teens doesn't want to chat. Your DD sounds pretty normal to me!

At 15 and ignore DH when he’s giving her a lift is just plain rude
I wouldn’t be giving her a lift again

a united front is best I’m guessing you wouldn’t of bothered with her ignoring you

When did this behaviour start and what was their relationship like when she was younger? Have you asked her why she dislikes her dad so much or do you feel it’s more of a ‘she hates us both’ sort of thing?

It's the balance that I am struggling with.
Yes I admit, my expectations for her are low as she has some underlying issues and getting counselling.
So I kind of ignore a lot of her behaviour.
Yes she is tired is tired, stressed a mad generally in the phase "I prefer friends to parents "
I don't think we are yet in the "I hate my parents" phase but getting there for sure.

Her grumpiness has become worse since she was 14..relationship with dad also started getting strained around that time.
DD will not argue or shout. She just won't say anything and stay away and use us a a guest house.

He does a lot for the kids but isn't a fun sort of person generally. Neither am I tbh.
I am not trying to be her friend and I do tell her off if she is very rude but I do also ignore quite a lot which is what is upsetting DH.
He feels I don't have his back and sometimes I feel we won't survive the teenage years

Have you talked to her about why she doesn't seem to like him? My dad lived with us but was very uninvolved. My parents had / havw a dysfunctional relationship which made home challenging. So I was probably moody with my dad too. Anything like that going on?
Also is he her dad?

It’s a shame. He loves her and does a lot for her. I can see why he’s hurt.
just wanted to say though op, I promise you will survive the teen years 💐 they can be a nightmare (ours were with our eldest, for different reasons to you) and I too remember wondering if we would survive! I did, and with my sanity just about intact 😂 hang in there.

Give her a break for God’s sake.

Shes’s 15 and hates her parents. It’s what 15 year olds do. I hate enforced chat in the car, cars make me feel sleepy.

She hides in her room all day? Sounds normal. It’s 14:57 at time of typing and k haven’t yet seen my 16 year old dd emerge. Back off and let her be a grumoy teen.

She’ll grow out of it.

She should be doing chores.
And dad gives her a lift she need ti be polite.
At 15 dd should be allowed to decline family stuff if she wants.
I did lots of 1 to 1 with DD - watched the Turdors together and other Tv series and clothes shopping trips.
Remember to prise her and tell her how lovely she is.
We also used to have lots of walks - but me and DD have always been walkers - it will help to Make her fitter and happier about her body.

I really disliked my home life as a teenager. I wouldn't say my parents were particularly different to anyone else's but I really didn't want to be there. I didn't do much in the waybof chores but my biggest gripe was wanting to just be left alone. I feel when you have children you accept that there's a period when you are 'dumped' with the responsibility of feeding, clothing, attending meetings etc for them and you get nothing back. In return they are forced to live with you because they're unable to support themselves. It's unnatural, this prolonged adolescence.
Being out and out rude or selfish is another matter but to force a conversation or 'family' time is wrong. I think it's controlling. Give her some space and you might find you get more glimpses of your little girl.

Get him to detach.
He should stop giving her lifts.
She should learn that how she treats people matters if she wants them to do her favours.

She's 15. He's an adult.

To be fair to her, he is very out of touch with the kids and is struggling with the teen phase. He doesn't make an effort to try and connect with her.

He really needs to grow the fuck up.

Thanks for your reassurance @Roundabout78
Made me emotional

Yes he is a lovely person and a good day.
Gives her lifts, buys her stuff (even if he moans about how frivolous they are), offers to help with school work (always refused), goes out of the way when she has friends over, supports me supporting her with counselling etc.

Things he expects are for her to respond to questions when asked (she says I hate the How's school question), atleast 1 chore to be done daily and for her to appear downstairs other than meal times.
Doesn't seem unreasonable to me but at the same time I'd rather not have a stone faced 15 year
old watching family TV with me

I think in some ways your expectations are too high, not too low. You keep coming back to her not wanting to go on days out with the family, not wanting to hang out with the family at home, preferring to spend time with friends, not wanting to chat....all of this is completely normal for a teenager! Your DH (and to a lesser extent you) seem to be taking it as a personal insult rather than it being very normal for a 15 year old. She does her own washing, studies for her GCSEs, spends time with friends....it could be a lot worse.

Not 'talking in the car' - if she is literally ignoring him then that's rude but if she's just tired after school and giving short answers then that's fair enough. Surely he's experienced times when someone's wanted to chat inane crap at him (in work when he's trying to concentrate, kids going on at you about peppa pig when they were younger). Unfortunately she's just probably going through a phrase where she finds her parents desperately uninteresting and annoying - it's obviously not nice for you but it is normal. You say she's not rude, doesn't argue or shout if she disagrees with you (again, that's better than a lot of teens) but just takes herself out of the situation - most people would say that is ideal conflict de-escalation rather than a bad thing.

If you want her to do more chores, or perhaps at least answer politely if asked about her day, fair enough but other than that it sounds like what you and DH want to do is MAKE her like you and love spending time with you and you can't. It's very likely she'll grow out of it and in a year or two spend more time chatting or even occasionally going out with you, but you'll probably never have exactly the same relationship as you did when she was younger, or spend as much time together, no matter how close you become as adults - and, again, that's completely normal and not something to mourn.

OP I don’t know the ins and outs but this sounds like teenage angst/a horrible phase that will eventually pan out and they’ll come out the other side.

I didn’t have a dad at home so can’t relate but when I was 15 most of my friends hated their dads, all adults now and yep, of course they love their dads.

YABU

Imagine if one of your colleagues insisted that you chat with them during lunch when you just wanted to quietly read a book. If that's not acceptable why would it be okay to force child into conversation.

And as for the guest house comment that's really off. It's her home; she shouldn't have to 'perform' in order to live there. And no she doesn't need to do more chores as someone else said. Palming your household tasks off onto your children is lazy parenting.

It’s completely normal to act the way your 15 year old is acting at that age. They don’t all act in that manner but some struggle more than others. If he’s just asking how’s school and generic stuff like that then I can understand more that she prefers not to talk. Those are the types of questions someone who doesn’t know you very well asks, like a distant relative or neighbour. If he had invested a bit of time to get to know her he could instead talk about stuff that interests her or more specific questions. It sounds like neither of you have spent a lot of time trying to engage with her and now you are blaming it on not being a fun family or not with it. You might just have to wait it out now, but make she knows you are interested in her as a person, and not just school.

This and stop paying her phone bill until she learns to be nicer.
sorry nit if she wants to be treated as a grown up she needs to act more grown up. No boss will stand for someone stomping around and looking moody in a place of work in the future.

It's not reasonable of DH to say you have to support him if you don't agree with his approach. You could equally say that he's not supporting you in your more laid back approach! Yes it's important for parents to put on a united front in serious situations, but not about trivial things like the ones you're describing. I think your DH sounds a little bit controlling. It's ok for parents to have slightly different approaches.

Just seen your update -
Okay of the things he expects:

1. respond politely to questions is fine but he can't control how in depth she responds. Again, if he's in work and asks a colleague 'Nice weekend?' he wouldn't get annoyed if they just said 'Fine.' Questions like 'How's school,' are boring and general, and something a random great uncle would ask a child they hadn't seen for years. If he wants an in-depth response ask her about something interesting
2. one chore to be done daily - yes perfectly reasonable. I'd suggest allocating something that's 'her' job and needs to be done at a specific time (e.g. loading the dishwasher/walking dog) to avoid moaning about whose turn it is, etc.
3. appear downstairs - why? what does he hope to achieve by this? As you say, what is the point of her sitting downstairs watching something she isn't interested in? Something like 'visit grandma once a month with us' or 'do a form of exercise together once a week' at least has a point!

Again what he seems to want is for her to revert back to being a child. Not wanting help with her homework is a good thing, not bad, it's encouraging self-reliance. She doesn't need to practice her spellings before bed any more. She's not going to have/want daddy's help with her essays if she goes to uni!

The poor girl. She's struggling with her body image at a difficult age when body is super important, having counselling....which must be hard, revising for exams and dealing with emotions and hormones

And DH wants her to answer inane questions and do a chore a day

Why doesn't he try to understand?