DD and DH don't get along

[BrightRedLipstick]

Looking for some advice as am fed up of the mood in the house.
Not sure if this a post for the teenagers or relationship board
DD is 15 and a typical moody teenager.
She also has some issues with body image due to being overweight and is seeking counselling.
It's also GCSE year so she is extra stressed and grumpy. We hardly get a word out of her most days and is forever holed up in her room except for meals.
I find her behaviour hard but try and not take it personally hoping this is a phase.
She is normally not rude but her body language can be rude and this causes a lot of tension between DH and her.
She doesn't do a single chore but seems to manage her own washing and her messy room.
We are a boring family too.
Kids have clubs most days including weekends and school holidays are the only times we manage some things as a family which are increasingly becoming harder as DD doesn't want to join.

Things are increasingly getting difficult between DD and DH and I am caught in the middle.
She isn't as rude to me as she is to him but then my expectations of her are low which annoys DH.
She hardly talks in the car anymore and I let it slide as maybe she is tired or doesn't feel like it.
Today, DH was furious she wouldn't respond to conversation when giving her a lift back.
To be fair to her, he is very out of touch with the kids and is struggling with the teen phase. He doesn't make an effort to try and connect with her.
And to be fair to him, she isn't easy either. She has no hobbies or interests over which they can bond, refuses most invitations when asked out by us and generally wants to stay in her room alone.

I feel sorry for everyone and also helpless.
But I guess DH being an adult needs to find a way to get through and cannot lumber it on me?
Just fed up. Weekends are so awful:-(

She could be binge eating or purging so how would you know?

She could also be trying to work out why she over eats.

Maybe buy your DH a couple of books. This is good https://www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-My-Life-First/dp/B004XZXPOQ or How to talk to teens so they listen ( or something like that).

DS was a bit like this with DH a couple of years ago age 13-14. But now he's almost 17 they have chats together and bond over computer games and even played chess together the other evening ( think DH thought he'd died and gone to heaven) still doesn't want to go on holiday with us though .

There's a lot of hormones floating round at that age and best thing to do IMHO unless they are being deliberately rude is let it go.

How did it get like this? This didn’t just happen overnight.

If she's doing her own washing and looking after her room then she is doing chores surely?

I apologise but I seem to have missed it having read the thread, but his he her stepfather and if so how long has he been in her life?

Ignorant bollocks!

My youngest DD was diagnosed with anorexia and other serious mental health issues. No doubt @NUTELLAPEANUTBUTTTTEERRRRRRR would say she just needed to snap out of it and start eating properly! Simple as that!!

No because I'm not a 15 year old girl

Things I have found helped are making the chores really personally relevant, emptying the bins anyone could do but it affects everyone. Doing her own laundry, only she is affected if it isn't done. Making her lunch on a weekend. It also helps them towards independence.

The how was school question is obviously a sore point for her, maybe she is less happy in school than you think. Or is it that she thinks he doesn't know what is going on. I found that 'how was that Biology test that you were worried about' got a better response than dh's 'how was school' because it showed that I had been listening to the info they had shared in the morning.

Sorry not sure why the quote was there.

God I am so so on your DD side on this one. Teenagers just want to be loved but no teenager wants to be forced to talk or spend time with her parents. Forcing her to watch TV with you? Yuck!

Don’t withdraw lifts etc as a punishment for her not talking - that will just drive her away even more. If acts of service is all you can do to show you love her right now then just keep doing that.

After a long day at school she’s probably peopled out.

He needs to start working on making spending time together enjoyable for her. If he’s picked her up from somewhere just an easy breezy “hey hun have a nice day?” And if he gets a mono syllable answer so be it. Then just say, oh I’ve found this funny podcast (choose something a teenager might like) or put on whatever music she likes.

Let car time with dad be the relaxing escape from the world that she probably wants it to be! Let her think, fantastic, the day is over, I can settle in to some nice music and no more expectations of me.

She might be introverted and just really really be needing alone time to recharge. Try to make family time a recharging pleasant experience for her - not just more expectations to fake cheeriness/sociability that she probably faces at school.

Be grateful that she’s still keen to eat with you and just approach the whole thing with love and humour rather than taking things personally/as an insult.

End of dinner chuckle and say “I expect you want to get back to your room now but let us know if you want any choccies, we will be watching XYZ but no pressure to join, just enjoy your evening.”

Agree that she can do one chore a day but the enforced socialisation is just going to drive you all apart.

I think if she doesnt want to talk in the car he should just ignore her. Turn up the music and keep to himself. I totally understand tour DD there.
I dont think its too much to ask that he does a chore every day. Maybe give her a daily task thats her responsibility.
Spending time with the family is more difficult. I would try to find a balance there. Maybe allocate a weekend day for a family activity where everyone has to participate. You can let someone else pick the activity each week. I think this would be way more fun and would bond the family way more than watching family tv together every day.
We try to do a family meal together wach day. No screens at the table and everyone os expected to participate a bit in conversations.

No, but if I found the colleague annoying or dull I might choose to drive myself in my own car next time. I'm presuming DD doesn't have an alternative, as she is not allowed to drive yet.

(If there's a bus then maybe she should get that and then dh can stop complaining.)

Indeed. But you made the analogy, not me. I just followed it. You likened a colleague interrupting your reading to chat as the same as a 15yo not wanting to chat. But they're not the same as the colleague was not doing a favour and the 15yos dad was.

You might next time but you'd still be polite this time, wouldn't you? It's just basic manners to be polite when someone is doing something nice for you.
Maybe she could get a bike and be a bit more independent. That would sure make her more appreciative of lifts!

Utter nonsense. Just as easy to say be grateful that the DH is wanting to be involved so much.

@MarshaMelrose um no I didn't.

I have no idea who you were quoting there but it wasn't me

Anyway, I have teenage children. Sometimes they're sulky and stroppy and don't speak much. And that's ok. They didn't ask to be here. They sometimes need to be hauled if if they're spectacularly rude but they live a life under massive pressure - especially in their GCSE year.

I get them to do minor chores and eat family food together once a day. But that's it. I give them space and don't demand they behave like adults or small children. I don't demand they make polite chit chat in the car or expect them to tell me about their day or that they spend family time together.

And you know what? They come to me. They tell me stuff. Yes, they're not easy at times but they love me and respect me because I don't demand it.

Then I apologise. When I quoted the original poster and replied to them, addressing them as you, I assumed when you responded, you were the original poster.

Coupd you gently encourage him to just try things different way as an experiment. Why doesnt he stop asking the whole how was school crap (what is she meant to say ? My children stopped answering thst properly after reception age !)

If he backed off when she was tired or on way home from stuff maybe it would be fairer to expect more interaction at other times

I disagree with everything you've said here. Pity your colleagues and your family if that's how you treat people.

Imagine that colleague asks you every day "how's work?"

Then they push you for more details every day if you only answer "fine" because you are knackered and don't want to get into details because that colleague will probably tell you that you should listen in the meeting/speak to your colleague/its important you prepare for the next meeting as it will impact your career/tell you they will speak to your boss and sort out your problem/they will tell your other colleagues partners you have problems with X.

It is fine to chat and most teens will if the adult learns how to do it without being intrusive after a long day at school.

You also cannot compare the gratefulness a fully independent adult with choices should feel to a colleague going out their way to help, with a parent (who did most of the choosing of where they live, go to school, activities they are involved in) picking up their child.

You also cannot compare the gratefulness a fully independent adult with choices should feel to a colleague going out their way to help, with a parent (who did most of the choosing of where they live, go to school, activities they are involved in) picking up their child.

But the person I responded to, did. That's why, when I commented, I continued to use their analogy.

But to answer your question. I did used to do a car share for a short time and we did ask each other practically every day, How are things? Are you doing anything interesting tonight / this weekend. Etc. Just generic chat and gossip, really. I dont remember anyone giving unwanted advice on career management. That seems...weird.

If the daughter doesn't want to speak about it, she can start the convo with a different gambit. I guess her father just wants some sort of acknowledgement he's alive and is more than a chauffeur.

I dont remember anyone giving unwanted advice on career management. That seems...weird.

Exactly the point. Some parents cant help but give that unwanted school advice", preaching to the child and the child finds it...weird.

She is the child the father the allegedly mature adult he should realise that question repeatedly gets a negative response and work out how to communicate with her.

You've made up a whole conversation about how people would talk to me in the car. Or maybe anywhere. I've worked a long time and in several places but no one has ever offered me unsolicited guidance on how to speak to people etc. And you've projected the same thing on the ops husband and child. Nowhere does the op say he preaches to his daughter or gives unwanted school advice. He just asks her questions, how's school being one. I don't think that's heinous.
I wonder if it something that you experience from your colleagues or friends and so you're projecting it onto the rest of us? Maybe you should tackle that with them.

Woah there! You are taking this all very personally, of course I know nothing about your car conversations. I was just giving a hypothetical reply why a teen might not like the, potentially loaded, "Hows school?" question.