Am I being unreasonable - ref DD and plans tonight

[Rollergirl11]

So DD (just shy of 17) had some friends round last night and it was a drunken affair. DH and I went out so they could have the house to themselves. They left around midnight. DD has felt really ropey and hungover this morning resulting in her vomiting twice and not being able to eat anything. She’s managed to keep a bit of toast down.

She now has a 7 hour shift at work that I’m not even sure she’s going to make it through. She had existing plans to go straight to her boyfriends when she finishes work tonight which is what they do every Saturday alternating between his and ours(they work together). I have said that she can no longer do that as she needs a quiet night tonight now. She asked if he could come to ours instead and I said no to that also as she has literally just had friends over last night (including bf also for an hour after he finished work) and I want the house to ourselves tonight. And also she’s just vomited twice!! I have said that it’s just one night and she should just come home after work and have an early night. Boyfriend was over at ours on Tuesday and Thursday night too so it’s not like she hasn’t seen him all week.

DD has gone nuts saying I’m a bitch and it’s like I’m punishing her and that she will be fine later so why can’t he just come over, that he’s changed his shift just so he can see her (he hasn’t, they do the same shift every week), that they won’t be doing anything and they’ll just be chilling.

I know for a fact that if she was seeing friends tonight she would bale because she feels rough but because it’s him she can’t think logically. Now I’m the villain as I’m stopping her from seeing him. The fact that we facilitated her having a gathering with friends last night stands for nothing. Now I feel like I need to hold fast purely on principle. It’s just one night fgs.

WWYD??!

I would have left her plans as they were and wouldn’t have insisted on her having a ‘quiet night now’ tbh.
If she makes it through work, what is the problem with her going to his as usual just because she had friends last night and is hungover today?

I think if she can make it through her shift at work, she’d likely be fine to go see her boyfriend.

Assuming she isn’t going to message you at 11pm wanting picked up, I’m sure she could do whatever she’d do for a quiet night at home, with him.

Are you punishing her for getting drunk?
Concerned for her welfare and think she needs a rest? Or do you just not want him around.
I'm not too clear on your motive.
If it's a) then fair enough. If it's b) also fair enough but it's kind of up to her. If it's c) then you could let her go to his place instead.
She's almost an adult so it becomes more difficult to impose rules and restrictions.

Also, did you know that your 16 year old was going to be drinking last night? They’re silly at that age when it comes to thinking they can handle their alcohol. They have about 5% of the tolerance they think they have.

So you're ok with her getting drunk, she's rallied despite vomiting and is going to do a seven hour work shift (ah to be 17 again), but you're telling her she can't see her boyfriend? Unless you are punishing her it makes no sense

She's 17. You can't force them do anything at that age and IME you have to be really light touch at that stage and guide and advise rather than lay down the law. Otherwise you run the risk of them asserting the fact that you can't make them do anything and you lose your ability to influence their decisions and get locked in a power struggle. Compromise is the way forward - yes, he can come over but you would like him to leave earlier than usual because you need an early night.

I think it’s really weird that you’re even getting involved to be honest. She’s not a toddler she can cope with a hangover and a couple of late nights! If you feel she’s mature enough to drink and have a part time job she can make up her own mind about how to spend her free time.

@MajesticWhine its a mixture of B and C I guess. If she hadn’t thrown up then I would have been totally fine with her going to his as planned. But at one point it seemed like she wasn’t even going to make it in to work. She was pale and couldn’t eat her lunch and then went to be sick again. So it just seemed sensible to me that she not go out. And I didn’t really want him to come to ours instead as he was here on Thursday and then about 7 of them here last night.

I did know she would be drinking. She does quite often on a Friday but is usually fine for work today.

If she wants to go to her boyfriend's, that's up to her. Leave her to it, it'll be a learning experience for her.

It's up to you whether you agree to him coming to yours.

It does sound like a punishment, if she's going to do her shift, then I'm sure she'll have sobered up enough.
Id have left her to decide for herself.

At 17 I would have been out at a club Friday night, hungover and working a shift in retail all day Saturday and back out Saturday night followed by all day back at work Sunday. Still managed make it to college on the Monday.

god to be 17 again!!

Okay, so it does sound like I’m being overbearing then and I should just leave her to it?

Ha agreed with the messages here, when I was 17 I was at uni. Would go out all night, go to classes, go to work and go out again. If she makes it through work then why shouldn’t she go chill with her bf. Growing up we always had a rule if you’re too sick for school/work you’re too sick for fun. But that doesn’t seem to be applying in this situation.

Yup, hard though it is! Tried to gently advise my 17 year old last night on being sensible with his plans this weekend and was reminded that “o need to learn this for myself mum”

I just took quiet gratification this morning in his regret for going ahead with said plans!

Why is your 16 year old drinking weekly? That is the most important question here.

Yabu

Let her get on with it!
At thst age I would have been straight back to the pub again!

well it’s not the question the OP asked so it’s not really.

Obvs! I mean yes if you've had a full on night the sensible thing is to take it easy the next night. But a) when you're a teenager you can take it (she isn't your age) and b) she's a teen - they're not sensible. This is how they learn.

Because she's in sixth form - that's what they do - have gatherings in friends houses. When they're all 18 they'll be going to a pub or club every week. Which again is what young people do.

Yes you are. Just let her get on with it - like you did last night

If you're not punishing her for drinking and shes going to work, I don't think it's right you stop her. If you believe she's old enough to drink like she is, then she's old enough to deal with the consequences of feeling rough the day after.

I think you’re being unreasonable. If she works the shift, I’d say she’s fine to see her bf.

I think the bit where she called you a bitch is the part that needs thinking about!

Oh yeah missed that. That wouldn’t fly in this house!