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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable - ref DD and plans tonight

62 replies

Rollergirl11 · 28/01/2023 14:04

So DD (just shy of 17) had some friends round last night and it was a drunken affair. DH and I went out so they could have the house to themselves. They left around midnight. DD has felt really ropey and hungover this morning resulting in her vomiting twice and not being able to eat anything. She’s managed to keep a bit of toast down.

She now has a 7 hour shift at work that I’m not even sure she’s going to make it through. She had existing plans to go straight to her boyfriends when she finishes work tonight which is what they do every Saturday alternating between his and ours(they work together). I have said that she can no longer do that as she needs a quiet night tonight now. She asked if he could come to ours instead and I said no to that also as she has literally just had friends over last night (including bf also for an hour after he finished work) and I want the house to ourselves tonight. And also she’s just vomited twice!! I have said that it’s just one night and she should just come home after work and have an early night. Boyfriend was over at ours on Tuesday and Thursday night too so it’s not like she hasn’t seen him all week.

DD has gone nuts saying I’m a bitch and it’s like I’m punishing her and that she will be fine later so why can’t he just come over, that he’s changed his shift just so he can see her (he hasn’t, they do the same shift every week), that they won’t be doing anything and they’ll just be chilling.

I know for a fact that if she was seeing friends tonight she would bale because she feels rough but because it’s him she can’t think logically. Now I’m the villain as I’m stopping her from seeing him. The fact that we facilitated her having a gathering with friends last night stands for nothing. Now I feel like I need to hold fast purely on principle. It’s just one night fgs.

WWYD??!

OP posts:
pictoosh · 28/01/2023 14:34

Yabu to permit her to drink but then lay down the law over her hangover. She's mature enough to have autonomy over her alcohol intake but not how she wants to spend an evening in? I agree that your stance seems illogical.

You're going to get torn to strips for being so permissive over the drinking now. This is mumsnet where everyone treats their teenagers as though they are 10 until they hit 18, whereby their kids magically emerge as balanced and mature adults. They're all tall and think and incredibly bright as well. Amazing!

OrlandointheWilderness · 28/01/2023 14:35

To be fair if she's that hungover I can imagine she wants a night in cuddling up to her boyfriend!

pictoosh · 28/01/2023 14:36

*thin

OrlandointheWilderness · 28/01/2023 14:37

To be fair changing it last minute like that is a bit of a bitch move, she's probably been looking forward to seeing him all day. I'm not saying she should've called you one of course! 😂

aSofaNearYou · 28/01/2023 14:40

I don't see why you felt the need to stop her going to her BFs in the first place tbh but it sounds like she was very rude about it, so NOW there'a a reason to stop her. I would expect an apology for calling you a bitch.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/01/2023 14:41

If she managed to do a 7hr shift then she can see her bf

I would worry about her drinking lots at 16

But I did the weekly Friday night drinking then worked I. Local coop 8/5 Saturday so .........

Remind me of this post in 10yrs time when I say dd almost 6 is drinking

mickandrorty · 28/01/2023 14:41

yabu she is nearly an adult these are decisions she can make for herself.

Original poster
Rollergirl11 · 28/01/2023 14:44

Okay, thanks everyone, you’ve given me some much needed perspective! You’re all completely right, if I am allowing her the autonomy of deciding her own social life, how much she drinks etc, she needs to learn to take the rough with the smooth.

And I couldn’t care less if peeps think I’m a remiss mother for letting my almost 17 year old drink. I’m happy with DH and my parenting choices on that front.

OP posts:
AnnieFarmer · 28/01/2023 14:47

I have kids similar age and I wouldn’t mess with their plans in that way, not at that age.

I would never have called my mum a bitch and my children wouldn’t speak to me like that. I’m guessing she was feeling very hungover and tired to have said it but even so… it’s pretty sad.

ImprobablePuffin · 28/01/2023 14:48

What I don't get about the logic here is that you say you don't want her doing anything tonight, but then say when DD and BF see each other on Saturday nights they just chill and don't do anything....so what exactly is the problem?

Stomacharmeleon · 28/01/2023 14:48

We all overreact once in a while don't be hard on yourself.
Just text her and apologise. Say you were worried as she was pale and unwell and if she makes it through her shift of course she would go.
And enjoy a quiet night :)

Original poster
Rollergirl11 · 28/01/2023 14:50

OrlandointheWilderness · 28/01/2023 14:37

To be fair changing it last minute like that is a bit of a bitch move, she's probably been looking forward to seeing him all day. I'm not saying she should've called you one of course! 😂

The only reason I decided against it last minute was because I was watching her 🤮 for the second time in an hour.

DD doesn’t usually call me names like that and I have pulled her up on it. I think it’s testament to how much she wants to see BF. But they are young and in love and besotted with each other so understandable I guess! 🤪

Thank you ladies!

OP posts:
Coolblur · 28/01/2023 14:54

You have odd boundaries. Why was getting drunk last night with her friends in your house unsupervised ok but sitting in quietly with her boyfriend tonight not allowed? You wouldn't think she needed a quiet night if you hadn't allowed her to get so drunk she's still vomiting the next day.

SeaToSki · 28/01/2023 14:54

I would try this conversation

DD. Im sorry I was telling you what to do, you are old enough now to decide if you feel like heading over to BF after work or if you just want to come home. I should have phrased it differently and said “if it were me, that is what I would do” and then left it to you to decide. Not withstanding that, I want a quiet night in for just the family tonight as we had your party last night, so its a no to your bf coming here, but you should decide what you want to do on that basis. If I forget to advise rather than tell you again, would you just give me a kind look and remind me about this conversation. Its hard remembering you are growing up so fast and are now very capable and independent ..and then try and give her a hug!

Original poster
Rollergirl11 · 28/01/2023 15:01

@ImprobablePuffin when you put it like that then yes it seems illogical! I think I was coming more from the perspective of having an early night. She won’t finish work till 8.30 as it is and so will end up being a late ish night if she sees him afterwards.

@SeaToSki I like the way you’ve worded that, thank you!

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 28/01/2023 15:04

i bet she’d annoyingly fine this evening. Some fatty carbs and bouncing back - almost ready to hit the town again. Oh to recover from a hangover in a couple of hours rather than it being 1 whole day of being super sick and then at least another day, if not 2, of being ridiculously tired.

if she’s well enough for work, no reason not to see her boyfriend this evening. She’s not got school in the morning.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 28/01/2023 15:06

Yabu, if she get work her shift she can see her boyfriend.

Mariposa26 · 28/01/2023 15:07

Why are you insisting she has a “quiet night now”? She could move out and live on her own if she wanted, you’re being very overbearing. She’s not a toddler.

roarfeckingroarr · 28/01/2023 15:14

She's 17. I think you're unreasonable for telling her what she can do after work.

Survey99 · 28/01/2023 15:15

You are lurching from one extreme to another - cool parents giving underage teens no boundaries and alcohol in an empty house, then controlling parents insisting a 17 year old does as they are told and has an early night.

I am judging either choice, but the contrast between the two. No wonder she is confused and acting out at you. You need to be a bit more consistent whether you see her as a young adult making her own decisions or a child.

Survey99 · 28/01/2023 15:16

I am NOT judging either choice.

chezpopbang · 28/01/2023 15:19

If you are allowing her to drink you need to keep out the rest of it. This is her problem(not really a problem) to go work and feel ok the next day or have an early night. As long as she is keeping to her commitments the rest of it is her problem. Seems odd to me that this is where you draw the line

Puppers · 28/01/2023 15:20

You let your 16 get so drunk that's she's actually ill and vomiting the next day (which even on reflection you are pleased with as a parenting choice) but you are then going to try and control her when she wants to see her boyfriend after work as usual?

Seriously mixed up weird boundaries.

Reinventinganna · 28/01/2023 15:23

Survey99 · 28/01/2023 15:15

You are lurching from one extreme to another - cool parents giving underage teens no boundaries and alcohol in an empty house, then controlling parents insisting a 17 year old does as they are told and has an early night.

I am judging either choice, but the contrast between the two. No wonder she is confused and acting out at you. You need to be a bit more consistent whether you see her as a young adult making her own decisions or a child.

Yep

Eastereggsboxedupready · 28/01/2023 15:25

Imo this is what happens when being a cool parent backfires...

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