Feeling broken. School Avoidant Teens.

[PositiveVibesOnlyPls]

I need some positive stories. My heart is broken for my autistic young teen; he’s been out of school for over a year and has today broken down because he wants so badly to go back to school but he can’t overcome his fears. (We are slowly getting support, he has an EHCP).

Severe anxiety has robbed him of friendships and of a good education and of the ability to go to youth groups. I’m his only friend.

I’ve held it together but today, I am angry and devastated for my lovely boy.

Has anyone had a school avoidant child who has become happy and made friends?

__I have tried everything to help him but he can not get passed his anxiety. Please be kind .

I am where you are with my DD. We just had a review with her psychologist who said her experience of teens with ASD is that they step off the expected developmental path for a while but then they step back on when they’re older. It may not look like everyone else’s oath but they get there in the end.

Sending empathy - my teen wouldn't want me to share their story even anonymously - but I totally get it. Try not to compare with super duper social media bollocks teenagers, and remember you are doing an amazing job even when it least feels like it.

Op can he do small things to build up his confidence? Volunteering for a couple of hours two days a week? Dog walking for a friend?

Oh I so feel for you, it’s so hard, my DD didn’t go to school for last 2 years home schooled her, but I constantly worried about lack of socialising, she did the Duke of Edinburgh Award, bronze and silver which helped, she did 3 GCSE , she so wanted to do Alevals but the local colleges said no, they put her on a course which was basically for the naughty drop out kids, she lasted 1 term, she rang me begging not to go back, so again did another year at home to study another GCSE, she also started on Sertraline for anxiety,
then applied to 6 form in a different area so that no one new her, the school looked at her not the grades, they could see she was bright had just had a crap time at school, she found that in 6 form people were there because they wanted to be
she made friends, she passed her A levels and started university in Sept, she is at a local one so still at home and has a pt job
there is hope, just push for everything your son needs, even with an EHCP, you still have to fight, as for us it was out of sight out of mind
please look at the DofE
not sure where you are, but look at volunteering, look at home school support as they meet up
sending hugs 😘

Man I feel for you. When your kids are sad it's just the worst.

I have an anxious teen but he manages to go to school and has a couple of friends. He needs so much support from me at home though to be able to do that, it's so hard.

And your situation sounds so much harder.

What can we offer to help? Sounds like getting to schools or a club will be too big a step for now.

What can he do, what does he manage to do with you?

The one thing that's saving my boy right now is playing in a brass band. The reason he manages that is that there are mainly adults there and they're all kind to him. He'd never manage if it was a group full of teenagers. It was a lovely retired neighbour who first took him along. He saved us, he really did.

This is really good advice! Thank you!

Just wanted to say thank you for posting this. I have today for the first time allowed my 13 year old not to go to school. Her anxiety is through the roof and we are on the diagnosis pathway for autism/dyspraxia/dyslexia. I found her sobbing and being sick in the bathroom this morning. I just couldn't send her in again. Her mental health is my priority, her education will have to come second for a while. School have been great but I think I am resigned to HE in some form now. Formal education is not for her. I've been trying since she was 4 and today I admitted defeat. We will take a different path to most we'll get there.

I do worry about friendships and developmental issues if she is not in the school environment, but if she stays in that environment I'm going to have a self harming suicidal child.

@User4873628 Your last sentence brought a lump to my throat. Thank you for posting. 💐

Does the EHCP include therapies and have you considered EOTAS, even if DS wants to return to school at some point at least in the shorter term? Have you had a early review?

Are the LA providing alternative education and anything in F of the EHCP?

Thanks for the kind messages. It is so difficult to watch your child in such pain.

@CamsPaisleyCuffs My DS is also 13 and diagnosed. School tell me I’m too soft and if I can force him in to school, they’ll deal with the fall out for me. How in any way will that help him other than cause more trauma? But maybe I should be physically dragging him in to school and maybe I’m not doing enough? It’s such a draining feeling. Sorry your DD is suffering too.

@JustKeepBuilding He receives nothing. Nothing at all. A whole other thread. Pre action letters for a judicial review are in progress.

Hi, I refused to withdraw my DD from the school roll, they will try to force you but please don’t, get a medical note, get them signed off, if you can, by GP, or child physiology, I did end up going private, the school HAVE to provide 15 hours of tutoring a week at home, they will also have to still allow them to sit GCSE in a private setting, this can be arranged at home.
unfortunately schools don’t like kids who don’t fit the hole, all kids are different, they progress a different stages, and to then have health/education problems, they affect the schools records.
my DD school tried to send her to a pupil referral unit, this was a 13 year old with Tourette’s, dyslexia, anxiety and a brain tumour, so they thought that was an option!!!!

Also, have a look at Mainstream Flagship Forum and SE Parents
these sites have educational lawyers on then that will help you, guide you to what to do and what your child should be getting

Are the pre-action letters for 1) s.19 provision, 2) any provision specified and quantified in F, and 3) an AR? If not you need to be looking at JR for them all.

Once you have had an AR you could appeal for EOTAS and have it include therapies.

the school HAVE to provide 15 hours of tutoring a week at home

No they don’t. The statutory duty to provide alternative education to those unable to attend school lies with the LA, not the school. Once it becomes clear the pupil will miss 15 days (don’t have to be consecutive or already missed) the LA must provide a suitable, full time education under s.19 of the Education Act 1996.

I went through this with my daughter. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through. She didn't get any qualifications as she was too unwell to take them but now, age 19, she's loving life. She's got a part time job at Tesco and is out with friends from work every week doing things your average 19 year old does. I never thought I'd see the day.

It's tough and it might not be the path you would choose but they can still get to where they want to be, it just might take them longer than their peers.

Yes dd dropped out of mainstream secondary suffering autistic burnout. Two years later she went to an independent specialist school who gave her control of when she attended and quickly transitioned to full time attendance and was happy, with friends and learning. IME if the environment is right then the child doesn't need to avoid it.

I will look at those websites mentioned; an educational lawyer would be very helpful.

The pre action letters are for S19 and Section F provision. What is AR? I may need to include that too.

Crankyhousewife well done for your DD; you must be very proud of how far she’s come.

Hiredandsqueak what’s the difference between independent specialist and state specialist? Do they offer different things?

OP, sending you big hugs and strength. It is SO hard. Today, I found myself fantasising about just stepping out of my own skin and walking away - the pain of worrying about one's child is on a different level. What sustains me is that
141Mum, so sorry to hear how your daughter's school dealt with her (and you). Those groups you mentioned; might I find info on how to resist coercive off-rolling there?

They differ enormously. State special schools generally cater for children achieving academically at the lower end of the spectrum. So at our generic state special children at age sixteen are generally at the level d was at 11 when she got 5 in her SATs.
Independent specialist offer a bespoke education for the individual child. So dd sat GCSEs higher papers at the same time as others in the school were doing level 1 basic skills. Her school has on site SALT and OT, a psychologist and psychotherapist, a smallholding with animals so generally there is always a lot of input outside of the GCSE courses. Class size was generally four pupils but dd would be taught individually or in a pair if that was needed. Fundamentally whatever was needed was provided and they were incredibly flexible because high numbers of staff gave them the option.
If your child has always been in mainstream then entering independent specialist is like entering a whole new world.

An AR is an annual review. The LA must hold one every year. I am presuming you haven’t had one within the last year if DS has been out of school more than a year and the EHCP hasn’t been amended/you’ve not appealed because the LA refused to amend.

Having an AR will allow you to pursue having the EHCP amended to better meet DS’s needs. It may take an appeal, but having an AR will get you the right of appeal.

EveSix email the headteacher pointing out off-rolling is unlawful and if they do off roll you will be forced to begin legal proceedings. If you haven’t already Looked at them IPSEA and SOSSEN are good starting points for information and both have advice lines.

DD had anxiety post covid & it could have ended up like this. She moved schools and has been happier. She is still introverted but seems to have some friends in school.

I have a friend who works for a charity & she mentors a teen boy who is off school. She takes him out for the afternoon. Do you think there is anything like that near you?

Would he go along to something like scouts? It's so difficult. It made me unwell with the stress of it all.

If you are looking for an Educational Law Firm I can recommend HCB solicitors. I've used them to force an Annual Review and other general unlawful behaviour by our LA/school.

There is a FB page Not fine in School - NFIS that might be helpful

Hi, yes I think the lady’s name is Maxine on there, someone will know one.
I took the Education lawyer and her medical records and he wiped the floor with them, I actually felt a bit bad for the SEN , well for 2 mins, lol
they tried so hard to get her off roll, but as long as you have a sick note they can’t force it x

This is so reassuring and just what I needed to read today - thank you!

Do you have money to put him into something like horse riding? It can be very therapeutic and it's an individual sport, but also a good way to make new friends.

Horse riding or equine assisted therapy can be funded via the EHCP.