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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How do you get any downtime when they're teenagers?

109 replies

newmannewday · 10/01/2023 07:48

My current set up is a 5 year old and a 1 year old. They are both sleeping by about 6.30. In bed for 6.

So I get a whole evening really, to myself (and H).

What happens when they're older? Do you have to spend all of your evening with them?

Sounds like hard work Grin or do they spend time in their room, and you say 'right, it's 8pm. You don't have to go to sleep but don't come downstairs'

Just wondering as life is pretty easy when they're at school and then in bed!

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 10/01/2023 10:15

They can join you for much of the downtime that you are craving and you will find it restful and fulfilling.
if you want privacy with your spouse you can retire to your room.

mostly though they are elusive creatures who have to be coaxed from their bedrooms with enticing food and entertainment or the occasional forced family time

Original poster
newmannewday · 10/01/2023 10:19

Findyourneutralspace · 10/01/2023 09:33

They ignore you until you are about to go to bed, then suddenly have an important issue that needs to be discussed at 11pm

Lol! This made me laugh out loud Grin I did this all the time to my mum

OP posts:
Comedycook · 10/01/2023 10:22

This is where I think it comes in really handy to have a biggish house so everyone can get their own space. We have a townhouse. It's not huge but it's a excellent set up for a family with teens. We have two living rooms...one on the ground floor and one on the middle floor. The Xbox is downstairs so ds uses that room. Dd usually uses the upper living room in the evening which is next door to DH and mine bedroom. Therefore she might watch TV in the living room and I might chill in my room but we're not far apart. Or me and her sometimes watch TV in the living room and dh will watch the news in the bedroom. It works really well.

Roundaboot · 10/01/2023 10:24

I've found that life gets busier/more complicated as DS (15) has got older but overall, I have more time to myself.
When he was little (and I was on my own), days would be pretty full on, but he'd be in bed by 7 so I could relax. But now, he's more independent - gets himself to/from school, friends' houses, even sports training (sometimes!) so I have less to do on that front. For example, today after school he has a football tournament at another school, then tennis practice which DP will take him to, So I won't actually see him until about 9pm, when we'll eat together and then it's bedtime (for us all!) but I'll get downtime when I finish work and when DS is out.
If he's around in the evenings, he'll either watch TV with us (we're currently all watching Top Boy) or hang out in his room, playing on the computer or FaceTiming his girlfriend!

nc8975 · 10/01/2023 10:25

@Comedycook I agree. I often wonder if families regret open plan when they get to the teenage years. We opted for a house with lots of separate rooms (still have a kitchen/diner with a small seating area) the snug is small, but makes a perfect area for teens. I just really wanted to avoid them hiding in their rooms constantly, they may well eventually, but they love it at the moment and it's great when they both have friends over, they take over that room and I have my sanity in the living room!

Comedycook · 10/01/2023 10:29

Yes I think open plan is probably great when they're little and you need to always keep an eye on them but we are thankful we have a townhouse with plenty of separate rooms now they're older. It was also a godsend during the lockdown!

GerbilsForever24 · 10/01/2023 10:36

Ours isn't quite a teenager but this is pretty accurate! Grin.

Like OP, I need time alone. I quite often just go upstairs or into another room with my book or iPad. DH and DS have more tv shows in common so they might watch tv or a movie together and DS and I tend to eat together and chat while DH is working or at activities with DD. A lot of the time though he's in his room or out with his friends or at the endless sporting activities we have to drive them around to.

How do you get any downtime when they're teenagers?
Otterleaf · 10/01/2023 10:38

Bit sad that you are worrying about the time you might have to spend with your children in 10 years time 🙄

MsMarch · 10/01/2023 10:43

Otterleaf · 10/01/2023 10:38

Bit sad that you are worrying about the time you might have to spend with your children in 10 years time 🙄

There's always one. OP, ignore this. Your children are young so you're probably at that stage where it's relentless while they're awake and you live for those hours of quiet. But it changes. They become a bit easier in that they don't need you all the time. They're at school and activities so actually, you might find the evenings is when you want to see them because you don't otherwise. They also start to spend hours and hours in their rooms with the door closed and will be out and about with friends. You may need to drive them around to sports and other things but as they get older they'll manage more of this alone or can be dropped rather than you having to lurk. It's an entirely different dynamic.

Before you know it, you'll find yourself sitting on the couch on a weekend realising you've b barely seen them between their lie ins, activities and trips to friends/cinema!

spiderlight · 10/01/2023 10:44

From the age of 8 to about 11, mine followed me round talking all the time and my evenings were spent watching Top Gear reruns, watching him play games, watching him watching other people play games, listening to him talking about games, or being made to try his games so that he could laugh at how bad I was. It was exhausting but I do miss it! He got a bigger room at 11 and his computer went upstairs, and we've basically not seen him since, except at bedtimes, when he reverts to following me round talking.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 10/01/2023 10:51

What we found when both DH and I had Covid during one of the lockdowns is that teenagers naturally isolate from their parents. Grin The only thing that we needed to change was not sitting at the dinner table together, otherwise they were off in their rooms or on the x-box anyway. Neither of them caught it from us despite all of us being in the same house all the time.

BuySomething · 10/01/2023 10:55

Tripofalifetime343 · 10/01/2023 09:33

There is an awkward stage around 9 to 13 years when you mourn your free evenings, and lack of time alone with your other half because your child wants to join in but like everything else you get used to it and then they start needing alone time in their rooms by themselves. I remember it well! It is a massive change at first. We never sent them upstairs and I can’t imagine doing this tbh!

Then there’s the period 14-16 where they wear black and live in their rooms like a creature from the deep, occasionally deigning to descend and eat with you or grunt a conversation or they are in a strop because you have taken away their favourite shirt to wash which they have worn for two weeks straight. You only occasionally venture in to their rooms to air it out and collect all the mugs and smelly socks festering on the horizontal surfaces.

Then when they are older teens 17-19 there’s the period where they are barely at home and your evenings are spent chauffeuring them to friends houses, or back and forth to railway stations, or sports venues, or on weekend camping trips or picking them up from parties in the early hours or picking up their friend Jake at 2am whose gotten in to some unspecified difficulty having drunk too much and lost their phone or their key and you deliver them safely to their parent’s house. Or you are driving them to uni and back.

[I’m at this stage again atm^^] and the world is divided in to the parents who do wait up and do chauffeuring after midnight, and those who don’t! Either is fine but you are very popular with teens if you do and what is more you become invisible sitting in the car like a chauffeur and the music is on and they have tipsy conversations with one another and forget you are there so you learn quite a bit more about their lives than you bargained for!

And finally, you reach that nerve-wracking stage in their late teens or early 20s when they pass their driving test and you are wracked with anxiety and you can’t really enjoy your evening, or sleep, until you hear their key in the lock or you receive a text and know they have reached their destination safely. That’s when you develop grey rings under your eyes.

Finally, finally, you are sitting in your living room by yourself and look at your other half and if you are lucky you will still have something to say to one another, and the house will seem quiet and it’s blissful on the one hand because there’s calm and order, but it’s very strange and quiet on the other, and the leftovers in the fridge don’t automatically disappear overnight, and it stays like that until they bounce back, sometimes with a gf or bf, of for holidays or in between new periods of study or new jobs and you have adjusted to living alone again as a couple (if you are a couple) and they are fully launched.

Rinse and repeat depending on the size of your family.

Then follows a period of relative calm.

Then brace yourself to start all over again but on a part time basis with the grandchildren which, by all accounts, is both blissful and knackering at the same time 😂

Disclaimer: ages are approximate

This is exactly right! I hadn’t appreciated the late night chauffeuring service that was needed!

Inkpotlover · 10/01/2023 10:57

Nutrigrainygoodness · 10/01/2023 07:55

They get to a certain age and then you begin to wonder if they are mythical creatures. You're sure you saw them once but you couldn't be certain.

Dd is 13 and she let's herself in (were both at work) kicks her shoes off, throws her bag, watches rubbish on TV until we get in. We make dinner together, and eat together then she'll probably get a notification on her phone, pull a face, do a weird laugh and go 'Ahh gotta go, love ya'
Then I don't see her again until I go in and tell her in going to bed, can she feed the cat.

Do we share the same 13-year-old?! This is mine to a tee. Very occasionally, usually Friday nights, we'll persuade her out of her room and downstairs to watch a film or binge a show with us, but she has to REALLY want to watch it.

Otterleaf · 10/01/2023 10:57

MsMarch · 10/01/2023 10:43

There's always one. OP, ignore this. Your children are young so you're probably at that stage where it's relentless while they're awake and you live for those hours of quiet. But it changes. They become a bit easier in that they don't need you all the time. They're at school and activities so actually, you might find the evenings is when you want to see them because you don't otherwise. They also start to spend hours and hours in their rooms with the door closed and will be out and about with friends. You may need to drive them around to sports and other things but as they get older they'll manage more of this alone or can be dropped rather than you having to lurk. It's an entirely different dynamic.

Before you know it, you'll find yourself sitting on the couch on a weekend realising you've b barely seen them between their lie ins, activities and trips to friends/cinema!

Show quote history

I honestly think it's sad though. I worked in nurseries, I've seen this mindset too much! I had a parent ask me to have their child bed ready so they can just transfer them from car to bed, the ones that are last to pick up even on their days off etc.

Comedycook · 10/01/2023 10:58

Otterleaf · 10/01/2023 10:38

Bit sad that you are worrying about the time you might have to spend with your children in 10 years time 🙄

Active parenting lasts for two decades. It's not unreasonable to want some quiet time at some point in twenty years.

Stag82 · 10/01/2023 10:59

Tbh it’s the endless taxing to various after school activities that’s hard when they are older. Competition gymnast here and she doesn’t get in till 8:30 some nights!

Otterleaf · 10/01/2023 11:00

Comedycook · 10/01/2023 10:58

Active parenting lasts for two decades. It's not unreasonable to want some quiet time at some point in twenty years.

Show quote history

That's not how it reads though. It's not "I'm exhausted, when will I get time to myself " more "I don't have to see my kids much now but oh no, will it end?" Sad

EspeciallyDetermined · 10/01/2023 11:01

Mine used to finish swimming at 9.30 in a pool 10 miles away on Friday nights, that was a bit of a low point, as were the 5.30am starts although at least they were at the local pool. We did have a lot of liftshares with other parents for activities though.

nc8975 · 10/01/2023 11:06

@Otterleaf it really doesn't read that way, the fact you're the only one who has suggests you're the one misinterpreting. Woman looks for some encouragement and support online but gets judgment, sad.

Inkpotlover · 10/01/2023 11:07

Otterleaf · 10/01/2023 10:57

I honestly think it's sad though. I worked in nurseries, I've seen this mindset too much! I had a parent ask me to have their child bed ready so they can just transfer them from car to bed, the ones that are last to pick up even on their days off etc.

Show quote history

Oh come on, it's obvious from OP's comments that she's just exhausted and is projecting – she's not talking about wanting to get rid of her kids. We've all done it and it doesn't make us bad parents as you seem to be implying. Do you have children? Have you never wanted a break from them?

BenoitBlanc · 10/01/2023 11:11

I have 2 teenagers and a 10 yr old. With DH and I both working full-time and having various other commitments, the teens both having part-time jobs, everyone having sports and club commitments, plus valiant attempts to have a social life - it's a rare treat to all spend an evening together.

Comedycook · 10/01/2023 11:13

I used to enjoy my quiet evenings when my dc were in bed by 7. Like most parents though, it wasn't because I actively wanted to not be with my kids. It was because I just wanted to eat dinner in peace, because I often had chores to catch up on. Or I wanted to read or watch a long film or TV show.

Otterleaf · 10/01/2023 11:16

Inkpotlover · 10/01/2023 11:07

Oh come on, it's obvious from OP's comments that she's just exhausted and is projecting – she's not talking about wanting to get rid of her kids. We've all done it and it doesn't make us bad parents as you seem to be implying. Do you have children? Have you never wanted a break from them?

Show quote history

I do and I have, but in general enjoy their company and don't dread any extra time I have to spend with them!

As I said I worked in nurseries for years so maybe I'm just exasperated with parents wanting to spend as little time as possible with their kids. Not all obviously but enough to despair at!

elliejjtiny · 10/01/2023 11:22

I have teens and tweens. Younger ones all in bed by 9:30 latest on a school night. Then we usually watch an episode of the tv programme we are watching (currently fresh prince) with the teenagers before they go up to their bedroom to chill.

Tripofalifetime343 · 10/01/2023 11:26

newmannewday · 10/01/2023 09:27

Thanks everyone! I know it sounds awful but the reason I asked is I feel quite overwhelmed at the end of the day and love spending the evening alone... I don't actually spend evenings with DH most nights. I chill upstairs and he chills downstairs

I find after a day of being in the world, I need the evening to unwind and do whatever I want relaxing. That includes H leaving me alone! But we don't dislike each other, great marriage. I just don't want to spend my evening with jinn

It doesn’t sound awful at all op.

We are all different when it comes to how much time alone we need to decompress. I craved it so much during Covid that I used to walk the dog for hours. In fact he has never been so fit 😂

I know this is a light-hearted thread but I think it depends to a certain extent on how introverted, or not, someone is. And how you were brought up and whether or not they draw energy from being alone or with people.