Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Son dealing

64 replies

RockBottomParenting · 09/12/2022 14:47

Please help - I don't know where to turn. I don't really want to answer questions on how we have let it come to this - fully aware of how badly we have fucked up and desperately need practical advice

Son is about to turn 17. He has developed an obsession with money and 'getting rich quick' - fuelled mainly by YouTubers, I think. He has also become very interested in weed culture - smoking and all the paraphernalia connected to it. I have been worried for a while now that he may be dealing weed but have been unable to prove it until now.

Recently we found about £400 in cash in his room, a bag with a lock on it full of weed and several bags of white powder, which we now know is ketamine. He fully admits he has been dealing and says it is a way of saving to buy some kind of trainer 'bot', so that he can buy and sell trainers and basically get rich. The whole thing seems to be part of a big plan.

We have thrown the drugs away, confiscated the cash, stopped giving him any money and reduced his phone package to the minimum. I think we should stop his phone entirely but DH is worried what will happen if we can't contact him and says that he will probably find other means to get a phone. He is 6ft 2 and impossible to physically stop.

We have called the organisation Frank who gave us numbers for local help groups - but they all seem to be for addicts. I don't know where to go to for help for people in our situation.

He is furious with us for 'robbing' him and shows no intention of stopping. He has just left the house saying that we have left him with no choice but to 'owe' his supplier so that he can start selling again and get the money we took off him back so that he can continue with his plans. He says it is our fault that we have 'forced' him to do this.

I realise that county lines is a possibility here, but we are coming to the conclusion that he has decided to do this for himself.

Please - I would be so grateful for any practical advice on how to deal with this. What he is doing is awful but he is our son and we are so desperate to stop this going any further.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 09/12/2022 14:53

Is there a local authority/ police gang initiative or county lines organization you can contact? If he has a supplier then he is lower in the food chain. Money and his bot is what is driving his enthusiasm to be doing this. He/ the household could be at risk of revenge / retribution if he is now in debt to his supplier. It's a difficult situation for you and him. Do you have younger children in the household? They need to be safeguarded

Original poster
RockBottomParenting · 09/12/2022 14:56

No young children - older dd is away at uni.

DH doesn't want to involve the police, but I think we may have to.

OP posts:
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/12/2022 14:56

I think you are being a bit hysterical mentioning county lines. He is very small fry in any chain. If he says he will continue dealing then you must not allow it under your roof and that is the next step.
Is he going to school or has all that stopped? Does he have a job? Do you know someone who can mentor him away from this lifestyle?

Prescottdanni123 · 09/12/2022 15:30

OP, ignore @ChangedmynameagainforChristmas , you are not being hysterical at all in thinking about County Lines. I don't want to scare you but that can get quite serious. Try having a calm discussion about who is supplying him? How did he get involved in it in the first place? Is he scared of his supplier? Grooming could be involved here, and your son may not realize this is what has happened.

It worries me that he says that he is now going to have to 'owe' his supplier. The people running these chains often use debts/favours to control the 'small frys'.

I agree with the poster suggesting getting in touch with a police gang initiative or County lines organisation.

OldTinHat · 09/12/2022 15:37

My DS was involved with dealers aged 17. I involved social services and the police. He had a five month deadline before he turned 18 at which point I told him, with the support of SS, that he either give up that lifestyle and get a full time job or I would throw him out. SS had a place ready for him at a hostel. He turned it all around and now it's like it never happened.

It's going to be tough OP, but for the sake of your family, involve every service you can before you lose him for good. I was a single parent and he had a younger brother but we got through it somehow.

MissMaple82 · 09/12/2022 15:44

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/12/2022 14:56

I think you are being a bit hysterical mentioning county lines. He is very small fry in any chain. If he says he will continue dealing then you must not allow it under your roof and that is the next step.
Is he going to school or has all that stopped? Does he have a job? Do you know someone who can mentor him away from this lifestyle?

You clearly don't know much about how it all works then!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 09/12/2022 15:51

I don't have much to contribute to be honest but I did want to share that my DH dealt when he was a teen and was quite invested in the weed culture too.

He started smoking cigarettes at 13 and weed at 15. By 16 he was dealing and had a dealer. He failed at school as a result and only have a couple of okay GCSE's. It really hit home for him when he was 18 and his friends were all going off to uni or had fallen our with him and he was stuck at home. He started doing seasonal/temp work (while still dealing) and at 21 he ended up working in a low level admin job for a local company before progressing to a sales job which he was brilliant at. Dealing/smoking weed just wasn't worth losing the job so he stopped. 15 years later he is a director in that company and hasn't touched any drugs in years. When I first met him he had a good job, a flat and a nice car, no drugs to be seen.

I know this sounds like some inspirational bullshit story but it is true. And even though it did have a massive impact on his relationship with his parents at the time, he's really close with them now. Honestly knowing him now I still struggle to believe that is his past.

antipodeancanary · 09/12/2022 16:09

I would absolutely make sure his dealer was paid off if I had to sell my car to do so.
A person deals from out of one of the flats where my son lives. DS and his police officer GF have called the police countless times to the flat as they hear him assaulting teenagers in there. And his own partner. And he damages cars and threatens anyone he suspects may have reported him. An absolute piece of shit who thinks nothing of seriously harming any young person who fails to pay him back.

Prescottdanni123 · 09/12/2022 17:51

This is worth a read :

cscp.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/4206.1-County-lines-leaflet-final-web.pdf

It is a PDF that you download. It has some useful information about what county lines is and what parents can do if they suspect that their child has gotten caught up in it.

Rainallnight · 09/12/2022 17:53

Pay off the dealer, definitely, and then do what @OldTinHat did. Treat this as a safeguarding issue.

Original poster
RockBottomParenting · 09/12/2022 19:01

Thank you for the advice everyone - I am reading through the replies and will discuss with DH.

I need to clarify about him 'owing' the dealer. We found the money last week and initially confiscated it but at that point he persuaded us that he was in danger. We then gave him the money back so that he could pay off the person he said was threatening him. He came home and laughed at us and said he just wanted his money back. Yesterday I searched his room and found the money again and took it away for good. He is now so angry that we have taken it that he is choosing to go to the dealer and ask for 'credit' so he can continue with his 'business' plan - because he has no money.

I'm not sure how we can pay anyone off without keeping the cycle going, if you see what I mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
RockBottomParenting · 09/12/2022 19:04

..and sorry for the drip feed - I was trying to avoid creating a mammoth post..

OP posts:
NotMyDayJob · 09/12/2022 19:07

You need to involve the police and soci services. I appreciate why your DH wouldn't want to, but there is really is no other way.

I am permanently estranged from my brother (as is my DM and other siblings). He started out very much like this, by 35 he was addicted to cocaine and heroin, his behaviour became completely intolerable and believe me, involving the police at this point (which we had to do) is an awful lot worse than an early intervention with an underage boy.

Best wishes OP and best of luck in a very difficult situation

Original poster
RockBottomParenting · 09/12/2022 19:10

Does anyone know if we talk to the police/county lines prevention will they inform the school? He is working fairly hard at his a-levels. Is there any likelihood that he would be put into care?

OP posts:
misssunshine4040 · 09/12/2022 19:13

RockBottomParenting · 09/12/2022 19:10

Does anyone know if we talk to the police/county lines prevention will they inform the school? He is working fairly hard at his a-levels. Is there any likelihood that he would be put into care?

I don't think he would be put in care.
It's good he is still working hard at his A levels.
I would inform the school, social services police and anyone else you can to get help with this

Prescottdanni123 · 09/12/2022 19:17

Can't think of any reason why he would be put into care from what you have said.

I'm not sure if they will inform the school, but if they do, pastoral support may be able to help him get back on track. Especially if grooming has had a part to play in this, which it almost certainly has. If he is usually a good lad who has made some recent mistakes, they'll want to help him back to a good place.

Original poster
RockBottomParenting · 09/12/2022 19:21

Thank you @Prescottdanni123 - my impression was that kids got immediately expelled if any evidence of drug dealing?

OP posts:
Tabitha888 · 09/12/2022 19:24

I grew up in a estate, where lots of kids dealt. Respectfully you have put him in danger. He will owe someone for the drugs. You need to have a honest discussion with him. What he owes and how to make it right. Contacting police etc will only cause you all probs. You need to think very carefully about your next steps as you don't know who he is moving with or how dangerous they are. X

Original poster
RockBottomParenting · 09/12/2022 19:32

He got a job over the summer holidays and earned well over £1000 - he lost it and says that is when he started. We think he used the money from the job to buy the gear and get started with the whole thing. I may be wrong, but I don't think he owed anyone until possibly today when he has gone out actively looking to borrow so that he can continue.

OP posts:
Original poster
RockBottomParenting · 09/12/2022 19:33

..but I agree that we have no idea who he is dealing with or how dangerous they are.

OP posts:
Tabitha888 · 09/12/2022 19:35

This isn't a reflection of you btw op. Sometimes in life we make silly mistakes. He's 17. He'll look back and be glad you had his best interest at heart x

Redburnett · 09/12/2022 19:38

If you involve the police he will likely be prosecuted and the penalties are severe.

www.sentencingcouncil.org.uk/outlines/drug-offences/
www.sentencingcouncil.org.uk/offences/magistrates-court/item/supplying-or-offering-to-supply-a-controlled-drug-possession-of-a-controlled-drug-with-intent-to-supply-it-to-another/

Be aware that there could be evidence of dealing on his phone or SIM card.

Sirzy · 09/12/2022 19:39

i think this is a case whereby you have to take the short term issues around getting the police involved to help protect him in the long term. The deeper he gets in the harder it will be to het out

Original poster
RockBottomParenting · 09/12/2022 19:40

Thanks @Tabitha888 and to all the other kind posters. You are really helping me and DH get a handle on what we need to do.

OP posts:
Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 09/12/2022 19:41

The problem with taking his weed and money away is that he has to sell the weed to pay the dealer, like lots of businesses he has the product on credit.

However he really sounds like he doesn't want to engage with you after laughing at you when you showed some remorse about leaving him in debt to his supplier.

I would get Social services involved, they won't take him away but they will give you support