How do you cope when they talk to you like they hate you?

[cheftaxi]

DD is 16 (17 in a fortnight) and I know teenagers a whole grasp of hormones and emotions and not at all rational but honestly, she talks to me sometimes with such contempt, she can be vile. Yet other times she seems perfectly reasonable, we can have fun conversations and get on well.

So my question is - in the moment of being scraped off the bottom of their shoes when it feels like they despise everything about you, how do you cope??

*Teenagers are a whole heap of hormones and emotions... 🙄 auto correct

Don't allow her to talk to you like that. I don't buy this "teenage hormones" get out of jail free card. No one gets to be "vile", and 100x not in their own home to their own parent. Make it crystal clear that this behaviour will not be tolerated.

Hhhm I would try not to take it personally. She is trying to make you feel what she feels.

Mine had it to a fine art. Banging their door shut just as I went to go upstairs, using a tone that only just was on the verge of scathing..... and so it went on. ...and on.

I'd say I noticed the behaviour started at around 14/15. There were issues in the home that made things difficult so I'd try to reason, often without much success and have to say that I did take it personally and it did make me miserable. On reflection some of it was teen angst, some was the home circumstances where I was struggling trying to deal with a mentally ill husband and keep up a 'front' and thus finding dealing with a teenager particularly challenging. I did separate from my husband eventually. Some of the teen stuff was sheer bloody mindedness. However by about 18 most of it fell away.
Just keep going doing your best and know that eventually that nicer teen will reappear.

Don't allow her to talk to you like that. I don't buy this "teenage hormones" get out of jail free card. No one gets to be "vile", and 100x not in their own home to their own parent. Make it crystal clear that this behaviour will not be tolerated

100%
The bar is set very low in MN land.

I always thought I was quite strict but fair, I've tried to be, but I've lost it somehow along the way. It's just me and the children at home, their dad's still around but fairly hands-off when it comes to actual parenting, always has been.

How the hell do I pull it back now?

I call mine out on it when they do it, tell them to stop being rude, stop being horrible or not to speak to me like that each time, pretty much on loop!
I know it's hard for them at their age and I remember how I felt towards my parents when I was a teen but I refuse to have them speak to me in a rude way. I'm not sure it reduces it, it definitely doesn't stop.it, but at least they know they shouldn't be doing it!

I agree but mibe are young still. How do you enforce this?

DS 'I hate you'
Me: Yep, I'm Cruella deVille, but I also do your washing and cooking and generally ferry you around so you're stuck with me. Unless you'd like to do it all yourself, and cycle everywhere......

But if DS swore at me, call me names etc, I'd make it absolutely clear that the washing, cooking, ferrying around would stop instantly until they apologised.

Refusal to apologise would result in my stopping all of the above. For more than a day or two, then cancelling phone contract, removing router and stopping allowance/pocket money.

Don't blink first. She is in the wrong and there is no way that sort of behaviour is acceptable. Once she apologised, I'd make her a hot chocolate, and ask her what's wrong.

A mixture of not engaging with it and sarcasm worked for me.
We got out the other side of it ok.

I always worry about this. I absolutely couldn’t bear being spoken to like that and made to feel like that in my own home. Mine are only 6 and 4 but I worry about it disproportionately having read so much about it on here.

Absolutely this.

Whatever may be going on with their hormones and moods, it’s a good life lesson for them to realise that they don’t get to speak to people however they feel like, especially not the person that does everything for them and always has their back.

If mine ever got lippy or disrespectful I would firmly tell them that I would not be tolerating it and they need to sort out their attitude.

It’s normal for kids to push boundaries but those boundaries still need to be in place – it’s what they need and actually what they want. And this is also my experience and advice from 14 years working with secondary age students.

I tend to remind them that developing their independence and being ready to leave home means that they need to sometimes take counter positions to mine. It also involves making their own meals, sometimes, and managing their own washing etc. A rant about why they can't find a clean t-shirt will be met with a comment about how hard it can be when trying to organise their own washing. This cuts out some of the usual arguments because these things are now their responsibility anyway.

There is nothing like your parent agreeing with you to make an argument seem not worth starting in the first place. It does obviously depend on the situation and they don't have full control of everything at this stage but as @MintJulia says many things can be placed under their responsibility. My older two though are very career driven at the moment so some of the arguments about relationships, partying don't really happen.

I pull mine up on it every time.

I usually say something like please do not speak to me in that way and give the opportunity to talk about whats going on.
Remind them its not tolerated & unacceptable.

Ask them do they speak to friends & teachers in the same tone.

Ive two younger kids also so I will have 3 teens in the house in another few years, if I dont set the standards now I will have to move out!!!

I simply didn’t allow it. I went for a mutual respect approach, I’ll give you privacy, lifts, money, support and hugs but talk to me like shit and I’ll come down on you like a tonne of bricks. I had a therapist who sad with teens the minute you engage in a debate about a rule or decision then you’ve lost, so I refused to engage in any attempts at pushback.

None of my three ever did the shit on my shoe approach with me, I definitely annoyed them at times, but we had great relationships and now at Uni age we’re all very close.

Really, really, stop worrying - I have taught literally thousands of teens - almost every single one of them can be spoken to as an individual, reasoned with, and responds to love and care, ( and boundaries)

Teens have the occasional moment, we all do, and teens can feel things very intensely, and react in an exaggerated way - but these are just moments. Teens can make poor choices, and can, for example, make a play for a dominant position in their home, bullying parents and siblings, but as in any social animal group, this is rarely a fight to the death, just a trial of strength which can be met and disarmed by a stronger authority

Less than 1% of teens are genuinely uncontrollable in the home - these are mostly the ones growing up with attachments disorders, who adjust to the concept of surviving without nourishing relationships at an early age - you will already know if your child has an attachment disorder. I have also come across two boys who turned into devils and there was no apparent root cause - both have been diagnosed as dangerous psychopaths as adults - very very rare. I have known two in 30 years teaching! The other danger is criminal influence, including drugs. You cannot reason with a teen under the influence of a career criminal, because they just become a conduit for you attempting to reason with a career criminal. And you can't reason with a teen on drugs, -including cannabis- because you are basically just trying to have a conversation with a chemical, and chemicals can't participate in a conversation...

Sorry for the slight derail - just what to reassure posters that most teens are lovely

Mine were never ever allowed to speak to me like shit. I didn’t speak to them that way, and I expected the same courtesy back.
From the time they were small I would call them on speaking to me with a shitty tone of voice.

I did say that that can tell me/ argue/ debate anything, but they had to do it in a reasonable tone of voice

Ha ha ha ha slightly panicked laugh. We adopted DC and one of them does have attachment disorder.

From my experience it is usually for a reaction or because they are unregulated or because they want you to feel what they are feeling.

I sort of muddle through with it by keeping calm. Reminding them of the rules at home which does not include swearing at me.

I do sometimes depending on situation if I have been called a swear word say 'I do not think I am .... (whatever it happened to be). Then later on spoken to them about it.

It is better to talk to your teen when their mood is not heightened and in the moment they usually are not in a frame of mind to listen.

Pick your battles! Like every stage of parenting you choose your line. And it depends how much energy you want to expend. I will tolerate a level of sarcasm and rudeness but not swearing or violence. Otherwise I’d be constantly at them with two teens in the house.

I am sorry to hear that, its hard within a family. Just chase and grab all help and support for your child that you can, and if they seem to be completely fine, just chase up even more. Your child is in a good position, with a loving, caring and aware parent, and you know perfectly well that there could be bumpy stages, but they dont last forever xx

totally agree with @Mercedes519 pick your battles.
It depends what's it's about and how they are speaking. Sometimes just let it wash over you and I find it best to ignore.
Swearing or extreme rudeness just pull them up on it. They are your children- you can still speak with them.

I thought having teens sometimes was like having giant toddlers, I'd choose when to engage and when to grey rock them.

Can you give an example?

But making their mother feel like they are worthless “scraped off the bottom of their shoe”…. That is not on. And I’m pretty forgiving when it comes to teenage years. But not for that kind of behaviour Op