How do you cope when they talk to you like they hate you?

[cheftaxi]

DD is 16 (17 in a fortnight) and I know teenagers a whole grasp of hormones and emotions and not at all rational but honestly, she talks to me sometimes with such contempt, she can be vile. Yet other times she seems perfectly reasonable, we can have fun conversations and get on well.

So my question is - in the moment of being scraped off the bottom of their shoes when it feels like they despise everything about you, how do you cope??

OP, 15/16 was the worst stage with our DDs. I’ve just remembered screeching to a sudden halt in a lay-by and making one of mine get out the car and walk.

As yours is nearly 17 you might find she improves 🤞

This. I call them out each time generally implying 'perhaps they don't realise that their tone is incredibly rude and condescending' and that I won't be spoken to like that. Most of the time mine then step back and apologise. .(I'm still feeling a bit bad that I heard a girl speak to her mum like a piece of dirt last week when shopping for shoes in t x maxx. Her lovely mum just carried on as though nothing has happened while her daughter told her to F-off, merely for saying something perfectly pleasant. The teacher in me kicked in as I felt for the mum, who seemed kind and gentle and was taking her teen out shopping, but I managed to control myself as I thought 'well perhaps there are lots of other things going on for the girl'. I knew it would have been rude to have said anything myself, but I was desperate to! But I don't think we can just accept it as thought it's ok to be spoken to like that - life is tough and busy for parents and I don't think we should suck up the condescension and rudeness as par for the course. I think if we don't pick them up on it they can assume that we are completely accepting it and perhaps also accepting our position as just there as their underlings to serve them...

Place marking for the good advice.

I'm a single parent and their father is abusive. The teenage years frighten me too.

I think some of its luck tbh. I tried to make the shift from a parent and child relationship to a parent and (sort of) adult child very definite.

I told my kids at an early age that I offered premier level parenting to teens if they deserved it. For example, If they were polite, helpful and worked at school. I allowed them to do less chores and offered lifts etc very freely but if they deserved it. I also made it really clear they they were responsible for their own decisions. I let them decide how hard to work at school etc. I didn't nag them or guilt trip them about homework or revision at all but if they worked hard I'd treat them with nice snacks or a quick trip out or whatever.

I don't know what would have happened if one of them had been horrible to me. I think their siblings wouldn't have allowed it.
We also enjoyed a lot of the same things so it was easy to have fun together. That helps a lot.

If there was any tension in the air a game of MarioCart would work wonders.

Pretty much the same here! I knew my son did not mean it so did not take it personally. I could see how polite he was towards my friends and our family so knew that he was able to engage appropriately with adults. I used to say very calmly that language like that was inappropriate and walk away - it’s hard to perform when you don’t have an audience! When he was calm or at least no longer shouting was the time to talk about the consequences of behaving like that, not in the heat of the moment.

Most of the time though, I did not threaten consequences or punishments as for a while, he spoke like that to me all the time, I just spent a lot of time either in the kitchen or being with my other children. Sometimes, if we were sat watching tv, he would sneak into the room and without saying anything, sit next to me and join as if nothing had happened! In my mind, that was better than having a blazing row and possibly saying nasty things myself in retaliation.

@checheftaxi

There must be something going on in her life that is making her have these attitudes.

If the family dynamic is how you describe it, which has always been favourable it can mean influences from outside the house may be playing a big part right now.

Do what you've always done and show her support and understanding. Tell her that if something is wrong in her "busy life" that she can approach you at any time to discuss it but make it clear it isn't a reason to be spoken badly. Tell her how it makes you feel when she speaks to you like that, and how she may have changed. Make her think if this is how she wants to be perceived by others. If this behaviour is only towards you, keep insisting on discussing what's wrong. Not excessively but with time, and let her blow steam in her room, but never towards you.

Put your foot down, no yelling no threats, no condescending tones, just that you won't tolerate it, if you weren't disrespectful towards her she has no reason to disrespect you and that's the main rule. Death stare, serious gaze and disengage. You'll let her reflect on it alone. But let her always come to you and greet with a smile. Would you tell me what's on your mind? Is everything ok? The way you speak to me is hurtful, I am upset by this.

How does she act with others, with sibling? Other family? Friends?

What is going on in her life, why is it busy? Trouble with studies? Boyfriends?

There must be something. Obviously the behaviour won't go away overnight, but you must have picked up the first time the dynamic started to swift away, but be firm.

Don't ignore disrespect, and by this I don't mean you yell back or say something mean in return, just make sure she understands that you are hurt and things need to change.

And if she is old enough to do her chores, you may stop doing them reasonably to show her things need to be done and will pile up if not done. I know that every child reacts differently but worth a try on the chore part. They should know by now chores are part of life and if she has seen you for many years do things every day, she will know there is no escape them, when she moves there will be no mother doing them for her either.

@IfOnlyOCould I need to have this conversation and make rewards and consequences as clear as they were when they were little

I'd tell them 'I would never talk to you like that and I expect the same in return. Your feeling are valid but that doesn't give you the right to talk to me in that way.'

Same here! Single parent x
Don't engage. I breathed deeply for 10 breathes to calm myself down before I responded to utter fuckery.
Pick your battles.
But don't let her talk to you like shit...I used to say to mine "Do you think it's acceptable to talk to me like that?@
They do come out the other side...mines 18 now and wonderful x

@Nindaelita she can be mean to her sister but I also often hear them getting on really well. She's got a bossy steak, has had since she was quite young, that comes out sometimes.

She recently had a thing with a boy, it barely got beyond the 'talking' stage, a couple of kisses but that was it. But he messed her about a bit, he chose when they met up and wouldn't tell his friends about her etc. I thought she was very brave because she ended it eventually, saying she felt really bad but she knew he wasn't right for her. It was a really hard time for her and she did share it with me, we talked about it a lot.

So it escalated during that time but it was there before that.

@badassbaby thank you! When I was newly single I felt confident in my parenting - my house, my rules - and things were good. I felt better, no one undermining or questioning me and the three of us got a lot closer.

It's hard without someone to back you up! Although it was a lot harder to be with someone who laughed and undermined any telling off or decision making!!

Thanks everyone 💐

I think having more freedom as she's got older has given her a sense of not needing me, or seeing me as only necessary for lifts and food etc. I'm keen to facilitate her independence and give her lifts, encouraged her to get a summer job, but I need to reiterate the importance of respect and gratitude and that I'm actually a person - not just the invisible person who does all the stuff.

When my children spoke to me like this I would pull them each and every time. It is the only way or they will do it forever

My response is always

"Great. I love when people don't like me. It means I feel no need to do stuff for them".

Then walk away.

Apologies are accepted. Action is expected.

Only action gets privileges reinstated.

Not necessarily. If they are saying things to get a reaction and that reaction doesn’t come then they may stop altogether.

I don't understand why you'd smile? How do they understand not to do this if you are smiling in response to it?

Yes, I wouldn't be smiling or intentionally doing something that will 'grate' on them. Just makes things worse.

Like water off a ducks back.
Its tough being a teenager. Stressful and yet they don’t yet have the maturity to stay calm. Home is where they let their hair down and vent.
Only limits I had were

• no swearing and calling me/dad things like cunt, bitch, asshole
• no slamming doors or throwing anything other than a pillow
• no ignoring my texts/calls if gone off at night in a huff cause I’m just checking they are safe & alive

They are emotional thunder storms that always pass.

I think it's pretty standard teenage behaviour and definitely not something you should take personally. I just say 'please don't speak to me like that it's rude' and walk away and do something else - then move on from it very quickly.

I find that keeping short accounts with teenagers is the way forward. Also not engaging with arguments that go round and round and round

So, for example, my youngest is nearly 16 and can be rather off hand and rude from time to time. If he speaks to me like I'm some sort of idiot then I just say ' don't speak to me like that please!' in a sharp voice and then I move on. So - I've addressed it, he knows I didn't like it but I've not shown OTT upset.

Sometimes I vary this by saying 'on the day I speak to you like that, you can speak to me like that!' and again, just move on

My 15 year old son has just started behaving this way, overnight he’s become moody entitled, snappy and sensitive to everything we say. When he bites my head off or is disrespectful to me I pull him up on it, “don’t speak me like that” in a firm voice. I had a very controlling and abusive father so I will not tolerate that behaviour from my son.

Because you tell them. It's really important not to show anger. It's important for them to understand that they are loved despite the behaviour. Because it's the behaviour you are not accepting.

I don't mean rolling around the floor laughing, obviously. I mean a kind, parental love sort of smile. With a clearly spoken message about disliking their words or tone. If you're angry, it can quickly descend into ever increasing circles of anger and retaliation. A smile disarms them and makes discussion possible. Shouting just results in more shouting when you want them to listen and understand.