How do you cope when they talk to you like they hate you?

[cheftaxi]

DD is 16 (17 in a fortnight) and I know teenagers a whole grasp of hormones and emotions and not at all rational but honestly, she talks to me sometimes with such contempt, she can be vile. Yet other times she seems perfectly reasonable, we can have fun conversations and get on well.

So my question is - in the moment of being scraped off the bottom of their shoes when it feels like they despise everything about you, how do you cope??

I say to them "who do you think you're talking to, how dare you speak to me like that?!" Then I withdraw from doing anything one bit nice or thoughtful for them till they apologise or at least acknowledge they were out of order. It doesn't take long. I'm not sulky or rude just matter of fact and tell them I will not be putting myself out for anyone who speaks to me with contempt. I wouldn't put up with it from anyone else so why them. They're 19 and 16 and it has been pretty effective so far. You can tell the difference when they're genuinely unhappy and need gentler handling though. But day to day snark or nastiness gets pushed back on. They're lovely so I think it's worked well so far.

just a trial of strength which can be met by a stronger authority

Yes this. I would be mortified if my daughter spoke to me like dirty.

Teenagers can be very out there and live things more intensely but that's still not an excuse for disrespect. I have been nothing but understanding, kind and parent in a way that my daughter can come to me with any worries or thoughts she has and we can discuss them without judgement of any kind. I taught her nothing but respect for others that respect her (and this is very important) some adults are very condescending towards teenagers and that's a no no.

I have the authority, but my authority isn't applied forcibly or unfairly.
Open communication since they are little plays a big big part in how they treat you in later years, parents need to be there for their child, discuss what happened at school, discuss friends, discuss emotions, help with homework, understand what the homework entails, discuss teachers, discuss actions that they see and how that makes them feel, discuss which behaviour is most likely to upset someone and how that makes them feel, be also an example for these things. The way you act towards others is being watched by your kids, they will mimic you as they will mimic friends and other influences outside the house, it's up to you to discuss it and show different if you see the train derailing.

Be genuinely interested in your child, give them love and affection, make them feel secure and special and you will see such a big change.

Some family dynamics don't allow for all of this to take place but it's a must that as parents we need to be more present in our children's lifes, teenager years are also when some parents start full time work they have little time now for being present, parents leave them to their own devices or to their own "little world" because they are now "older", and they don't need as much attention and faffing around.

Wrong, that's when they need it the most.

I agree but mibe are young still. How do you enforce this?
You start when they are little. I've never allowed them to speak to anyone rudely. I also always spoke to them the way I wanted to be spoken to. Manners, respect of self and others and consideration/empathy have ALWAYS been part of the conversation.
I only have one teen, my others are in their 20s and I've never been sworn at or made to feel less than by my children. There have been moments, sure, but no matter what else was going on, their has always, always been respect underpinning our interactions.
As long as you don't subscribe to the lazy MNesque "ALL teens have to....." "they're going to do it anyway" narrative you're halfway there.

It's the overall lack of respect and consideration. She doesn't help around the house, tells me to go away, she's dismissive when I try to have a conversation with her. I think in my efforts to keep everything stable and happy I've lost my authority and I've never had anyone backing me up.

Record it and at a later time ask her to come and listen, because if you accuse at that moment it’ll be denied and escalate

but if you look at it later and they listen, you’ll have a different outcome

I have 3 in the house.
What works best for me is whilst they are being vile I don't respond and look disappointed (nowt worse than that). Then pretty soon after they have returned to being civil, I talk to them about not ever speaking to me or others like that. They always apologize.
DH is currently more reactive and does the "How dare you speak to me like that. I am your Father/or respect your Mother. Which ends up in them shouting and feeling very indignant and in the right. DH then gets upset for ages. However, like small children they are still very much in the moment and move in quickly if allowed so he drags it out.

Grey rock, they don’t mean it and things just escalate if you respond.

Exactly.

Only engage if absolutely necessary or next thing you know you've spent a whole afternoon wasting your time over it.
Distance yourself from them for a bit.

I've never had "I hate you". But DD does occasionally speak with an attitude and when challenged, doubles down in defence mode.

We are incredibly alike and it could be absolute carnage, instead I have to take a deep breath and she is warned to watch how she speaks to people and she will go up to her room for the rest of the evening. We will talk about it calmly later, sometimes she doesn't know why she shes rude, other times she perceives that I've slighted her.

Mine never swore but they could be idle and selfish and moody. I'd withdraw untill they'd calmed down. I knew they'd need a lift, or money sooner or later. But I think boys are easier

Rudeness has always been nipped in the bud since they were tiny. I refuse to be a punching bag throughout the teen years too.

. I had a therapist who sad with teens the minute you engage in a debate about a rule or decision then you’ve lost, so I refused to engage in any attempts at pushback.

We have been told the opposite by Dds mental heath therapist. Actually engaging and explaining your thought process and having them as part of the discussion makes them feel more valued and you aren't a dictator for the sake of it. Parents who did this as teens don't always have good adult relationships. They are near young adults not dogs.

Don’t show your anger or upset. Understand it’s teenage boundary testing and an attempt at redefining relationships in a clumsy way, but unacceptable.
Smile. The smile grates on them.
Say calmly that it is very rude. Tell them love them dearly, but their behaviour and way of speaking makes them sound much less mature than they are. Explain its not really the best way to get you onside when they want something.
Turn and walk away unless they’ve already slammed the door on the way out.
They’ll come back and apologise after a little reflection. Accept the apology. Repeatedly. Don’t bear a grudge and remember to reward the positives - even simply telling them how much you appreciated some kind words. Do things together, show them you love them with all their hormones and contempt. You simply don’t like the contempt.
Consider if they have a point on specific issues but don’t just give in for an easier life. Long term it isn’t easier.

@Nindaelita 100% this. The foundations of teen years are laid in the earlier years.

Op, can you ask your daughter what is going on for her? Don't be defensive, hear what she has to say. Don't rush to situations just listen if she starts talking.

However if she's rude or swearing then withdraw and say "I won't continue the discussion if you are unkind, rude etc".

Has she been helping in the past and is this a change? How is school/college going?

Mine are in their twenties now and over it all. We all get on really well and have normal adult relationships where everyone is respectful so ignoring their teen tantrums worked for us.

My threshold to get riled had to go up a lot with the teens (1st 3 teens, or even 1st 2, 2nd youngest is mostly amiable & youngest is lovely, no idea why). I sure don't have the energy to pull them up every time. Not getting riled is for YOUR benefit, btw.

DH would masterfully deflect them with humour, turn it into banter. Except when he got riled which was rare but meant shouting. They knew they crossed a line if couldn't quip something witty in retort.

I've said flatly "That wasn't very nice thing to say" with an imitation teacher's stare.

Sometimes empathy works, a basic coldly spoken "How would you feel if I spoke to you like that?"

An even colder with patronising tone "Speaking to other people like that is unacceptable, why did you think that was ok?"

" I can't wait for you to move out." without any emotional payoff. DC know I mean it!!

You are mixing a lot of things up OP, like not helping out is not the same problem as saying something cutting to your feelings. Keep the problems/battles separate.

My teen gets told in no uncertain terms that she's being rude, then I say to myself 'urghhh I hate you' in a Kevin and Perry voice and try to laugh it off

I've always done this. I have always been very open and affectionate and supported her and her sister, championed them both. Always at school events, telling them how loved they are and celebrated all wins and achievements. They've never wanted for hugs and "I love you" and support, I never wanted them to feel unsupported or unloved.

I was at home with them for 8 years and have only worked part time (school hours) since then. She's been quite open in the past, she had some horrible bullying in yrs 7 and 8 that we got through together, she even brought her friend to our house who was being bullied and told her I'd help if I could.

There isn't a lack of love or support in our house but it feels like she's walking all over me, I'm an inconvenience in her busy life.

I can't remember where I heard the story maybe on here, but one Mum went into their teen son's room to carry on a pointless argument. She was five feet something and he was over six feet tall. He picked her up, walked out of the door, put her on the landing, and shut his door...

This. I’ve learned not to take it personally, it isn’t about me. Relationship is the most important thing here, and if you spend most of your time with them policing their words and tone it will just erode the possibility of a healthy, positive relationship. If behaviour crosses my boundaries, then I open a conversation about it, explaining calmly how I feel about it and why it’s unacceptable. Mine nearly always apologise immediately. Asking if they’re ok or if they need anything is disarming and often leads to a more productive interaction. They’re still developing and maturing, and I see it as part of my responsibility to model good conflict resolution strategies, and healthy connection.

I pick my battles carefully but I do not tolerate being spoken to like shit and I call mine out on it every time. I then grey rock and disengage; and fairly quickly tend to get an apology even if it’s a gruff one.

I refuse to be treated badly and I explain to them how much I do for them, how much it upsets me and how I love them very much (though I don’t always love their behaviour).

it doesn’t stop them doing it but it makes it easier for me to deal with and it shows the younger ones that I’m not tolerating it at all. It works though, have one out the other side and at uni and all is good (though tbh they were very easy teenagers and we never had a cross word so was a bit smug for a while until number 2 hit!😂)

I'm on my 3rd teen. None of them have ever spoken to me or their Dad like this. Ever.
At the very first hint of attitude I have responded very firmly with 'don't speak to me like that'.
Beady eye. Firm stare.
But there again, we also have generally strong boundaries, good relationships and effective communication. Their behaviour which would trigger a response from us, rarely happened. They knew the rules, the rules were reasonable and outside of that they have all been too smart to get caught! (Mostly)

I will always explain my decision making especially if its something they will disagree with.
My teen years I was told repeatedly "No, because I said so." I didn't react well to that. With my DD, "No, because XYZ". She can understand my decision even if she disagrees rather than feeling like being in a dictatorship.

I'm an inconvenience in her busy life.

Hard though it is to accept, you are. You set boundaries, set expectations, make the rules. She’s a fledgling preparing to fly the nest in a couple of years. She finds the rules and boundaries restrictive but still needs them - and knows that in her heart of hearts. Hold tight to them she’ll appreciate it longer term.

It’s not nice but if she’s not drinking, smoking, doing drugs, sleeping around or involved in criminal activity and is doing well at school then the price for good parenting is the odd bit of teenager contempt and grumpiness.