Mum of teen boys help this mum of girls understand

[soweneo]

I have 3 DDs the eldest is in Y11. There are two boys she has dated for a number of months but they have both finished with her in the same way, not for any real reason that they give it just feels like they don’t want to put any effort in. They both seemed to only want her to fit in to their lives, watch them play sport, go to their houses and always seem to make the plans. I don’t know if this is just her not asserting herself more or if maybe teen boys find relationships hard work and only want a girlfriend if it fits in with their lives. I am massively generalising I know, but I would just love to hear from mums of boys what it is like from their end as I have no way of learning! Give me your wisdom ladies!

It’s this! They shouldn’t be getting into serious relationships at this age in my opinion!

Same here. My two just want to play sport, computer games and eat.

Those of their friends who have had girlfriends have found them 'hard work' in that they are expected to sit and talk to them during lunch break and reply to text messages, SM posts etc promptly.

Not exactly a big ask imo but for my two a huge responsibility.

Just a sign of some boys immaturity rather than a reflection on your daughter or any teenage girls in this position.

I dont think serious relationships are that great at that age either. Fine to date a bit but they should be focused on sports, hobbies and school at that age. I

Just focus on building up her confidence, knows that boundaries are fine and that it isn’t essential to have a boy or girlfriend. She needs to enjoy her own company, see her friends, enjoy her hobbies and just have fun.

I have two boys. One has a girlfriend one doesn’t. I don’t worry about it. I didnt have a boyfriend until I was early 20s. Too much pressure on youngsters now.

@Buttons294749 couldn’t agree more. My daughter is very sporty and takes pe GCSE and plays one sport at county level - but whilst she went to watch him play twice because he wanted her to he never wanted to find the time to watch her! But she also wanted to find time for the talking and going out and doing interesting new things at weekends but he didn’t. He is ever so lovely though and we loved having him over when he did manage to come here but I feel sad my DD thought she should cheerlead him when she is the one playing sport to such a high level! I need to encourage some more girl power within relationships as well as outside them I think. But like others have said, not for a while… she needs to have a break from relationships! I think for her a lot of it is about the friendship, she has loved hanging out with boys and playing sport with them since primary school and finds them a welcome break from some aspects of her female friendships.

She can still hang with the boys if that is what she wants, she shouldnt feel pushed into having a boyfriend to be able to do that.

Socialisation. The expectation that girls/womens lives change in a relationship, they are the supporters and enablers. Men/boys carry on as normal.

how many men get married and have children, and their lives stay the same? Work, hobbies, friends. Whereas women give up work, do all the background household and child stuff so they can carry on with those hobbies and jobs.

when I was a teen there were some girls that did just that, their lives became about the boy and doing stuff he wanted to do. Their self worth was reflected in his achievements, and their own put aside.

if the boy isn’t willing to put the effort in and find out what she likes and support her in her needs, ditch him fast.

There is a maturity thing - teenage girls go through puberty earlier than boys and I know that girls my son's age (13) are interested in him and his friends, but they don't seem to be interested back.

@ZeroFuchsGiven she doesn’t feel pushed - she likes the cuddles too!
I wonder if boys start to commit a bit more once they are getting something slightly more physical out of it!!!!!!!!! no hurry for that though.
I am actually secretly pleased that it is over as she can focus on herself and GCSEs and her spot and friends, but hate seeing her so sad and wish I could explain it to her better than ‘then is the blows’. But like posters have said - no rhyme or reason. Although a few posters seem in agreement that boys find the whole girlfriend thing quite hard work (maybe until the point they get a bit more out of it as I suggested!!! Focus the mind and all that 😂🤣)

Sport and Them - sorry fat thumbs here

I have a 16 year old son who has had 2 longish term relationships. He has always put effort in, taking them for meals, spending time at their houses with their family.

Your DD just hasn't met the right one yet.

@InsertSomethingInspiring he sounds heavenly! Let’s hope she meets him 😊

I'm not sure this is a boy/girl thing, they are all finding their way. There's no insider info you can get in order to save her from heartbreak.

Think back to when you were her age and negotiating your first boyfriends. What could your mum have done to naviagate you through it? Probably not a vast amount to protect you from it. She's learning. Just be there when she needs you, in the way that she needs you.

Your work has been since she was born going on in the back ground, modelling self respect and boundaries, encouraging her to listen to her gut and making sure she know's that she's on this earth to be much much more than someone's cheerleader.

My ds is in yr 12 and has had one relationship - they were together 7 months ish. He did find it hard negotiating how his (very full) life was fitting in a relationship as well, but primarily as he wasn't interested in her hanging around watching him do sport (he eye rolls at one of his team mates girlfriends who hangs around in the cold watching them) or playing DnD with his friends and she didn't want to go out and do things but rather to be in either ones house and just game online.
Its a learning process for them, and tbh I'd rather they learn what they do and don't want from a relationship and move on.

I have two teen boys. They have had brief relationships with girls prior to covid, but not since.

In these relationships, the girls have always been the ‘drivers’. But I would say that the relationships have ended amicably on the whole.

I’ve told my boys that they’ll know when they’ve found someone they care about because they’ll want to be with them and look forward to making time for them. But to be fair, they can barely do that that for their male friends, some of whom they’ve known for years.

I know it’s boring to hear, but I really believe that isolation and lockdown have played their part in how things are for kids right now. Too much time texting, being online, alone in their rooms etc.

Also, teens are selfish. They can’t help it. Their brains are not fully developed yet so very few are well equipped to deal with their own emotions let alone other people’s.

Just keep being there for your DD OP.

@GreenManalishi what a beautiful post thank you x

@FooFightersFan wise words! Apparently their brains don’t finish developing until they are 24 😬

As the others say, boys and girls are no different. Breaking up because you haven't got time for a relationship on top of the other pressures of life like friends, exams, hobbies... is a truthful and mature response. Better than making up a cliche like " it's me and not you" or behaving like doing things like ghosting, cheating... Adults struggle with balancing everything and sometimes life forces people to prioritise one aspect over another.
The night before a mock is terrible timing and for her sake, hopefully her next relationship is after exams.

She needs to realise what a healthy relationship is, that it’s not all one sided. School do teach them about healthy relationships and hopefully you are talking to her too. She’s young though, some people need some bad relationships to show us what that looks like and how it feels so we don’t accept them in future. It’s most likely that their all just young though and not ready to give up anything for someone else. I’d be encouraging her to stay single at least till GCSEs are done and then raise the bar.

Although saying that, my teen daughters standards are now so high that god help anyone that dates her. 😂

My two teenage sons have a lot of attention from teenage girls, my youngest who is 17 isn't interested, he has a lot of interests and hobbies self educated and prefers doing those, my eldest has had the same girlfriend from age 17, four years now, its a lovely calm, drama free relationship. One thing l have noticed, the girls seem to do all the running, very different to my day, and some are extremely pushy, they seem a lot more keen to be in a relationship.

My teen boys at that age were more interested in hanging out with mates ,camping out, camp fires, taking the piss out of each other etc.
Plenty of time for relationships in the future!!

I think when it comes to teen relationships it's healthy for both boys and girls to maintain their own interests and friendship groups . I would reiterate to your DD the importance of doing this .

I also think that friendships with the opposite sex are healthy so that boys and girls see each other as people - not just in terms of a relationship. I would hope that that is the norm though unless they are in single sex schools .

@shinynewapple22 Yes she has lots of friends who are boys, always has done since primary. We picked co-ed schools for that reason.

There is less pressure on boys to be validated as "mate" material. There is less comparison among boys as mate material. Society puts more pressure on girls to be attractive and wanted.

Young teenage boys just don't want the hassle, and don't know how to deal with the emotional needs of girls.....girl's neediness in general can be quite intimidating and draining. Not saying any of this applies to your daughter. From my experience of my sons and my nieces.....the girls police situations a lot more, analyze a lot more, and are far more enmeshed in the requirement for a deeper connection. Lots of boys (one I know), are awkward, nerdy, teens trying to navigate clumsy social banter. The girls I've observed are far more eager to engage loudly with the boys, and genuinely seems years ahead of them. The young teenage years are an awkward age.