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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Mum of teen boys help this mum of girls understand

54 replies

soweneo · 04/11/2022 10:44

I have 3 DDs the eldest is in Y11. There are two boys she has dated for a number of months but they have both finished with her in the same way, not for any real reason that they give it just feels like they don’t want to put any effort in. They both seemed to only want her to fit in to their lives, watch them play sport, go to their houses and always seem to make the plans. I don’t know if this is just her not asserting herself more or if maybe teen boys find relationships hard work and only want a girlfriend if it fits in with their lives. I am massively generalising I know, but I would just love to hear from mums of boys what it is like from their end as I have no way of learning! Give me your wisdom ladies!

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Madamecastafiore · 04/11/2022 10:51

They aren't right for her. If someone likes and values her enough they'll want to do things together that they both enjoy.

Notonthestairs · 04/11/2022 10:58

I sense that you think teen boys are a different species to teen girls. They aren't.

Both sexes have their fair share of sports focused, friend focused individuals that fit relationships around those two things. And both sexes have dominant characters.

The most importing is for our young adults to learn what is important to them, what makes them happy and where their own lines are drawn.

Original poster

soweneo · 04/11/2022 10:59

@Madamecastafiore I know that is at the heart of all relationship issues, but I suppose what I am wondering is if boys find relationships a bit tedious in the earlier years of adolescence? A friend told her her son couldn’t be bothered with girls as it was too much like hard work and it got me thinking that maybe it is a young teen thing they grow out of. Or maybe I am overthinking (as usual!)

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ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 04/11/2022 11:00

It is what it is.
Everyone is different.

What is it you need to understand exactly?
Your daughter will learn to navigate relationships herself.
You are just there to comfort her not to give her reasons because you just can’t.
It’s what resilience is built on.

Its shit being a teenager though I agree, multiple heartbreak is on the cards until they meet the right one for them.
That’s life I think.

SoupDragon · 04/11/2022 11:00

I think you have to remember that they are all teenagers who are learning how to manage relationships. None of the have a clue as to what they are meant to be doing.

Lilypickles1 · 04/11/2022 11:01

I think it seems normal, it’s so young to have such a serious relationship and I honestly think it’s good to pursue exactly what you want to do when your young without worrying about someone else!

Original poster

soweneo · 04/11/2022 11:01

@Notonthestairs thank you! I think I need to tell her to be more assertive and ask any future boyfriends to do the things she likes too… like you say probably a personality thing rather than a boy/girl thing. I just hate seeing her so upset

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Original poster

soweneo · 04/11/2022 11:02

@ColinRobinsonsfamiliar you are right I just need to accept that there are going to be blows. It’s just so horrid to watch, like when they are injured.

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SirChenjins · 04/11/2022 11:07

Year 11 is 15/16 years old, I think?

If so, and having DC of both sexes the only (sweeping) generalisation I can make is that boys at that age don't seem to be quite as invested as girls, and they are more involved with computer games, sports etc. This is only my opinion based on watching my 25 year old and his friends at that age and my almost 16 year and his friends, compared to my 23 year old DD and her friends at that age and of course, not true for every boy/girl. I do think there's a tendency for boys to be emotionally less mature than the girls of their age.

As I said though, it is a generalisation and not true of every relationship at all - ultimately, they are very young and they're finding their feet, so tend to bounce about the place love-life wise.

arktoring · 04/11/2022 11:07

They are just self-centred young guys, normal unfortunately.

Notonthestairs · 04/11/2022 11:08

I do understand how hard it is to see them upset.

My son's close girl friends (known each other since they were 4) are not really interested in relationships as yet. My son on the other hand has been quite invested.

I've advised him to hold back a bit - I don't think he'll listen. Between that and exams it's going to be a difficult few years!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 04/11/2022 11:10

soweneo · 04/11/2022 10:59

My Ds is 17 this month in year 12 and has been with his girlfriend since year 7.
Dss is has had the same girlfriend for 18 months.

Not all teens, boys or girls are the same.

mikado1 · 04/11/2022 11:11

They're going to have to navigate it and learn themselves.. however I was a bit like that and was a pleaser in general. I'd work on that if that's the case. Us 'good girls' did a number on ourselves and our own needs were often forgotten.

SoupDragon · 04/11/2022 11:11

arktoring · 04/11/2022 11:07

They are just self-centred young guys, normal unfortunately.

and the girls are all clingy, needy young women...?

generalisations aren't helpful at all.

ChocChipOwl · 04/11/2022 11:13

They're just teenagers. I have a year 11 boy and an adult daughter. He is just navigating all this stuff now and I'd say he's really no different to a teenage girl.

They're all daft, learning and making mistakes. Lots of peer pressure too. Mine is constantly looking at himself in a mirror.

Just concentrate on building up your daughters self esteem and resilience so she doesn't put up with any nonsense going forward and values herself with strong boundaries

All you can do really - and the same applies to boys

ZeroFuchsGiven · 04/11/2022 11:16

ZeroFuchsGiven · 04/11/2022 11:10

My Ds is 17 this month in year 12 and has been with his girlfriend since year 7.
Dss is has had the same girlfriend for 18 months.

Not all teens, boys or girls are the same.

Show quote history

Sorry forgot to say Dss is nearly 15.

Speedweed · 04/11/2022 11:18

It is a valuable lesson for your daughter to understand what makes her unhappy in relationships, and to refine what she's looking for in a boyfriend, and what is not acceptable to her.

Some boys will never learn this lesson, and even as men they'll expect girlfriends to sit on the sidelines cheering them on, so it's good she's already realised she doesn't want to be that sort of girlfriend.

InsertPunHere · 04/11/2022 11:19

It’s not a boy/girl thing, it’s a teenage thing. Your DD needs to stand up for herself and her interests, not settle for being someone else’s personal cheerleader.

thestuffthatdreamsaremadeof · 04/11/2022 11:23

DS is year 10 but 15 and doesn't have a girlfriend.

Says that all the girls are too much hard work. He wants to play football at lunchtime with his friends, but says if you have a girlfriend they just want you to sit and talk. And they message you all the time.

I think he's not mature enough for a girlfriend yet.

red4321 · 04/11/2022 11:25

I have two teenage sons. Honestly, they play so much sport (plus their homework) that they don't have much spare time.

They don't have girlfriends but if they did, I can well imagine them thinking that watching them play in a match would be a thrilling activity for a gf. And when they're not playing sport, they'd like to be watching it on tv. Which may well explain why they're both single...

Original poster

soweneo · 04/11/2022 11:26

Thank you everyone this is exactly what I needed! A good range of thoughts and perspectives.
The boyfriend who just finished with her said he was finishing with her because he needed to concentrate on himself much more and look after himself better - and this was the night before her biggest two mocks that she was most nervous about and she couldn’t sleep. Which was so selfish it would almost be laughable if I wasn’t so upset for her. But like posters have said this wouldn’t be because he is a boy just because he is a confused and slightly selfish teen! She is far from perfect herself and can be very self focused and selfish at home with us, but seems to play a different role in relationships.

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NanFlanders · 04/11/2022 11:29

Year 11 is quite young for a serious relationship in my opinion- and bear in mind that boys are likely to be a little less mature than girls at that point. My son was quite nice to his girlfriend - bought her a thoughtful present for Christmas etc., but just sent her a text in lockdown, saying he thought they had drifted apart. (I warned him off text break ups in future).

WellingtonSquareTree · 04/11/2022 11:32

I think teens like the idea of a relationship but then it doesn't quite turn out the way that they think it should.

I have sons and have always said a girlfriend should be as easy as your mates are; the conversations are easy, they have similar interests (DnD) meeting up is easy, they understand you have other commitments with family etc so don't go all huffy if you can't attend something or be available to game online together. Both my sons have friends who are girls they just aren't attracted to them and vice versa so they know this is the foundation basis of a relationship. Dh is my best mate.

For your DD, understand that the teen reaction to being dumped is to suddenly list everything you hated about that relationship. There should be no shame in just going well it didn't work out. Sometimes even in friendships we like them more than they like us, we might be more invested. It doesn't make the other person a bad person. You have to find your boundaries, what is too much or too little?

I tell my sons I met their Dad when he was 21 and I was 22. Both of us had relationships before that. The likelihood of a teen relationship lasting is slim but enjoy it, have fun, get the butterflies, don't start planning a wedding.

Alexandernevermind · 04/11/2022 11:33

Because they are too young for a serious relationship. It isn't a girl thing or boy thing, its a 15/16yo thing.

Original poster

soweneo · 04/11/2022 11:34

@NanFlanders i think they do so much communicating by text that they don’t get that it is better to do it in person (girls and boys!) This last one phoned her up last night (having said the day before he wanted her to come to the bonfire event at his school and then back to his house after) and said his mum was popping to her shop and he was going to get a lift as he needed to talk to her urgently. Then he had 8 mins whilst his mum bought some chips to dump her in the street. Then she had to come home and try and study for her mocks today.
The last one it was a text message and then tearful chat at school so I am coming to take the outside the supermarket/ against the clock dumping as progress!
I would hate to be their age again.

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