Is it still 'normal' for 13 y/o girls to be sexually active?

[cheshirebloke]

My kids live with me full time, and eldest, dd is 13. She talks to me fairly openly about personal stuff, like when she started her periods a few months ago - she doesn't seem shy or embarrassed to talk to me. She's a fairly quiet girl, slightly tomboyish, wears baggy clothes rather thank skimpy stuff, very studious, doesn't go out that much, doesn't often wear make up, and isn't too preoccupied with her appearance in general. Sometimes I have to remind her to brush her hair or put clean clothes on lol.

I don't think she's particularly streetwise, and in some ways is possibly a bit immature for her age (yet in others does seem mature). So far she's not openly shown any real interest in boys, other than platonically, and up until recently has been telling me that she thinks she's asexual. I'm not aware of her having any actual boyfriends, and her attitude still seems to that boys/sex = gross. I'm waiting with baited breath for the hormones to start going crazy and all that to change dramatically.

I'm not completely naïve, I remember from my own youth what young teenage girls were like at that age (in the 90's), but I've always thought that at 13, only a small minority were actually sexually active? Sure, a few years later, by 16, probably the majority of girls were, but in my mind there's a big jump from 13 to 15. But so far, given my daughter's attitude and behaviour, I've no reason to think she's a sexually active 13 yo. And she'd have to be selling me a magnificent cover story to hide what she's really getting up to.

But it came up in conversation with my dp the other day (who knows my dd reasonably well, but we don't live together, and no way would any of us consider her as a step parent). DP was insistent that it's 'very common' for most 13 y/o girls to be sexually active, and there's every chance dd is getting with boys already, and that she's just putting on a sweet and innocent act for me as a cover up. DP basically did a character assassination on dd and told me she's a perpetual liar and I shouldn't believe anything she says (I know she lies and withholds some things from me, but nothing serious). I think that's a bit of a leap tbh, or maybe I am just totally sucked in by my dd's very good act?

I know that DP was sexually active from 13 and from that age had a several much older boyfriends (20's) up to when she got pregnant at 15 by a 28 year old bloke. So from her perspective, DP thinks that was pretty normal. But I think even in the 90's that wasn't particularly common? And these days I get the impression that it's a lot rarer for teenage girls to have much older boyfriends. It just seems less socially acceptable, or is it because I'm viewing it from a very different perspective now?

I'm going to have to have another chat with dd about it, but I'm struggling to see things from dp's view that dd has pulled the wool over my eyes with lies and an elaborate cover up.

Op, your dp is doing a whole load of projecting onto your dd here, from her own childhood. I agree with the poster who said shes in denial about her own childhood sexual abuse (she may not see it that way, its part of being groomed) so she has a very warped idea.

It sounds like you and your dd have a lovely, trusting relationship. Yes there will be certain things she doesn't tell you, but that's appropriate. I'd be wary of your dp and her negative views about your dd - that doesn't sound healthy at all.

Yes I am a man, and yes this is a genuine post, for those that are questioning. I'm not some perv, just a male single parent trying his best to raise a teenage dd. My ex (dd's mother) is far from an ideal role model when it comes to relationships, so I can't really rely on her to be a positive guiding influence.

I never had any sort of relationships with the opposite sex until well into my 20's (and yes I know that's the other end of the spectrum!), so that's why I'm trying to get a female perspective on it.

When I was 13/14 I knew of a few girls that age who were fully sexually active. I just assumed they might have been the minority (but maybe lots of others were too, just that they were more discreet?). I know my dp was fully sexually active at 15 (her own now adult ds is evidence of that), but was shocked when she told me that she was from 13, and that she considered that very common for most 13 yo girls. All her friends also had older boyfriends too apparently - the main attraction at the time was that they had their own cars.

I agree that I think dp is projecting somewhat based on her own teenage experiences. I did mention to her that it sounded like she was groomed, but dp instantly dismissed that not the case, because these men were her boyfriends (as opposed to grooming gangs that have had more recent media coverage). DP clearly still thinks that her experience is the norm, which shocked me, and gave me a wobble about what my own dd might be going through currently.

We have caught dd lying a few times (little lies, and acting like butter wouldn't melt, when clearly not the case), so dp has a little justification in saying dd isn't all sweet and innocent. But it seems a huge leap to then suggest she's probably got secret boyfriends when there's nothing to suggest she's sexually active or even interested yet. I'm hoping that's still a little while away, but now I'm preparing myself for sooner rather than later.

The responses on here seem quite varied, but it sounds like my dp's teenage experiences weren't unique, but perhaps a bit less common than she thinks.

Or abused?

I grew up in the 90's in a deprived area that is tragically known for promiscuity. I wasn't aware of anyone having sex at 13, probably more 15. But yes there was other acts happening probably from 12ish onwards.

Normal...no, but not unusual either. Also drawing on circumstances of being in a huge school in an area that wasn't wealthy.

At 13 a lot of the girls that I knew would have been going most of the 9 yards with boyfriends but stopping short of full sex until in a slightly more lasting relationship, which would rarely happen at 13 but be more likely in the following 2 years. I don't recall the boys (of the same rough age) as being aggressively coercive, and possibly that's not the same now.

I went to school in the 80s and it definitely wasn't the norm. There were some girls at 13 and more at 14 but even then it definitely wasn't the norm and I was in an inner city comprehensive.

Well I've spoken to my dd about the events of the side issue that dp is using as leverage to try and paint my dd as a delinquent, promiscuous 13 yo. And dd's version of events sounds more plausible, more straightforward and she told it me without even a slight look of awkwardness or guilt - just puzzled at why I was asking her about what she's describing as a complete non event. Younger sibling was able to partially backup her story too. Of course dd has long deleted the associated group chat, which would have backed up either side of the story. DP also doesn't remember specifics and is a bit vague about it too. Obviously I haven't mentioned any of the sexual promiscuity accusations, as I'm now even more confident that dp is completely off on that aspect.

DD is a model student at school - top set in every subject, good predicted grades, highly studious, and all her teachers describe her as a model student. She's a proper goody two shoes by all accounts. At home she can be a little more bolshy, but still very mild mannered by teenage standards (still plenty of time to go off the rails though!)

I'm not the sort of parent that automatically thinks my kids are saints, if anything I'm overly strict and critical of their behaviour. Yet I've seen nothing to give me concern about dd, only things that point to dp trying to tarnish dd's character. It's happened a few times before, when there have been little niggles between step siblings and dp has cited a version of events that put the blame firmly on dd, when it generally seems to be the opposite way around. Yet it's DP's kids that have all kinds of behaviour issues, and that have several times led to police involvement. Next to them, my kids really are angels!

So I do think there's some kind of projection/reversal going on here, and I'm trying to put as much distance between our children as possible. They did used to be best friends (before me and dp got together), but they've been seeing less and less of each other for quite a while now.

Not sure I'm quite ready to have it out yet with dp, because there appears to be no firm evidence to support either version of events, but I will ask more questions to try and ascertain if anything fits together. I'm now becoming far more wary of everything dp tells me (not just about our kids), especially some of the more sensationalist stuff. We've been together 5 years, and just when you think you know someone well, they start to make you wonder if you know them at all!

Oh English is my mother tongue, but you seem to think that no one can see through your brazen doublespeak.

You remind me of Nigel Farage.
The day after the Brexit vote, he was asked “so will the NHS be getting that £350m a week then?” And he blinked and said “No ones said that”
The newscaster put up the bus picture behind him the one Nigel rode around in during the campaign that said on its side:
“We send £350m every week to the EU, lets spend that on the NHS instead”

The newscaster challenged Nigel Farage….and Nigel said some more doublespeak about how that slogan on the bus and all the speeches he gave saying that the NHS would get £350m a week if people voted Leave…he didnt really say it, no one on the Leave campaign said that, that’s not what the words on the bus meant at all.

I knew 0 13 years old that was active in the 90. Boy or Girl. Apart from the girl who got pregnant by her dad of twins. Not exactly consensual...

It may be that your dp is trying to tell you something about your dd that she knows and you don't because her kids have shown her the group chat and she feels that she knows more about being a 13 y o girl having been one. But even if this is the case it doesn't explain why she is approaching it from a position of painting her as bad rather than from a position of concern for a 13 yr old child being prematurely sexually active (although as others point out that can mean a range of behaviours).

Your girlfriend hates your daughter, I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

It sounds like your partner might have been groomed and overspecialised as a result. I wouldn't say her experiences are at all normal. I don't like the way she speaks about your DD though.

I have teenagers and no it's not normal. Not unheard of but definitely unusual. 14 less so by 15 quite a few are sexually active and 16 I'd say majority have either had sex or actively trying!

I would have been 13 in 2003, back then I don’t think it was the norm to be sexually active but at the same time there’s always those few who are. I lost my V plates at 15 but if I’d have had the chance I would have earlier, I think I was 14 doing hand stuff and digital penetration. Within my circle I was one of the later girls being active though which scares the shite out of me as I have a 13 year old daughter.
I think be as open and honest with your daughter as you can regarding sex, protection and consent is the best way forward, ensuring her that she can always say no etc. (we’ve shown our daughter a fab video on consent made by I think the Manchester Police, in our house we take consent seriously yet it’s a bit of an ongoing joke, if our baby gives 13yo a kiss she says ‘I don’t want your cup of tea!’).
I wish my mother had talked openly about it with me, if she had I don’t think I’d have wanted to rush into it so soon. I think the only reason I rushed into it all was because it was the unknown and I was curious and desperate to be a grown up (bloody wish I could go back to being care free and the only worry was missing the last bus home😂).
Your partner doesn’t sound very understanding towards your daughter taking into consideration she was blatantly sexually abused and must have gone through a lot else if that’s her attitude towards teenage girls.

A