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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD 15 and boyfriend

55 replies

piffle123 · 29/10/2022 21:48

DD 15 has been seeing a lad for only a couple of months but because we live about 40 mins away only met up with him possibly 8 times. They are at different schools.
She is besotted and talks about him non stop which baffles me as in my view she barely knows him. Most of their meetings have been her watching him play football.

Anyway, he came to our house today; very polite, very nice. They were told not to go into her bedroom but were welcome to use our sitting room which is relatively private.

I popped out for half an hour and when I got back they were nowhere to be seen. Found them in her room kissing; DD down to her bra (thankfully still in jeans).

Absolutely fuming and feeling such a mug for trusting them while I popped out. Not only do they hardly know each other; he is still only 14 and also we have always spoken openly about peer pressure, birth control and STIs.

She knows I am appalled and is tiptoeing around me but I really don't know how to handle this situation. It has so many angles to it and I feel totally out of my depth. She insists that nothing more was going to happen Hmm, but she must think I was born yesterday!
Everything in me wants to ban her from seeing him but that could just make the situation a whole lot worse Sad

OP posts:
User2145738790 · 29/10/2022 21:52

The cool mums will be along in a minute to tell you you had no right to come back to your own house.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 29/10/2022 21:55

Invite him for tea. At the table with you all. Doubt he will be back.

Original poster
piffle123 · 29/10/2022 21:59

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 29/10/2022 21:55

Invite him for tea. At the table with you all. Doubt he will be back.

Unfortunately he's well up for that. Confident lad, came straight over and shook my hand first time we met. I was clearly lulled into a false sense of security!

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 29/10/2022 22:00

I woukd be so upset too OP. I wouldnt leave them in the house alone with him again either.

I dont think id go so far as banning him, but i certainly would tell my daughtrr that i was disappointed that she broke my trust.

ladywithnomanors · 29/10/2022 22:01

Don’t ban them from seeing each other because they will anyway just behind your back.
Sit her down and have an honest discussion
with her. She’s 15. Her hormones are all over the place and they saw an opportunity and took it. It’s not the end of the world.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 29/10/2022 22:02

Board games after tea... No alone time whatsoever..

SkylightSkylight · 29/10/2022 22:05

User2145738790 · 29/10/2022 21:52

The cool mums will be along in a minute to tell you you had no right to come back to your own house.

@User2145738790

... and your post is just so useful to the OP I'm sure she feels well equipped now to deal with her DD.

LondonQueen · 29/10/2022 22:06

Maybe I'm a "cool mum" but I don't think she's doing anything wrong. I did similar at that age.

themimi · 29/10/2022 22:07

I think you need to be careful. This is an early experience for her. She mustn't feel ashamed for this. Talk to her openly and honestly but don't make her feel embarrassed for anything.

Hawkins001 · 29/10/2022 22:08

All the best op

helpmum2003 · 29/10/2022 22:09

Don't panic! The fact he lives a distance away is good news. At least you know when he'll be visiting because of them needing transport. Just don't leave them alone again. I would get his parents contact details and speak to them. What are they allowing in their house? If his parents are allowing more than you're comfortable with then you may need to ban visits there. How does she get there? You do need to speak to her and consider contraception as they are likely to try elsewhere anyway...

User2145738790 · 29/10/2022 22:09

SkylightSkylight · 29/10/2022 22:05

@User2145738790

... and your post is just so useful to the OP I'm sure she feels well equipped now to deal with her DD.

Show quote history

Where's your useful advice then?

RedHelenB · 29/10/2022 22:10

You definitely need to have the consent and contraception talk, preferably with both of them. Remind them it's illegal too.

Loserluck · 29/10/2022 22:10

I think this is absolutely normal behaviour at 15. She’s got a boyfriend and is starting to explore her sexuality. She can legally have sex soon - and she probably will - so I’d find a way of approaching this in a calm and adult way rather than being angry at her kissing her boyfriend. Give her the info she needs to approach this all responsibly

Original poster
piffle123 · 29/10/2022 22:13

Conflicting advice Confused
She just seems In such a hurry to grow up; the the relationships, the clothes, the make up.
I was also into boys at that age but it wasn't all consuming or anywhere near so physical.

OP posts:
Madwomanuptheroad29 · 29/10/2022 22:14

There is very little you can do realistically....... Any attempts to stop them will ultimately backfire.
If they want to have sex they will have sex. Maybe not in your home but somewhere else. Not necessarily somewhere safe.
The main thing is to ensure she does not get pregnant.

HeadacheEarthquake · 29/10/2022 22:15

Distressing for you but normal at her age. I'd get on side with her and start talking safety rather than making her feel scared and asked of her developing sexuality.

SkylightSkylight · 29/10/2022 22:23

@piffle123

Of course she wants to talk about him all the time, this 'having a boyfriend' thing is all new & exciting!!

wanting to 'make out' (or whatever the young things call it now) is perfectly normal at their age. However, unfortunately, so is porn star sex.

400 years ago when I was 14 I was allowed my bf in my room but I wasn't allowed to close the door (we lived overseas snd the bedrooms were on the same level as the main living areas).

I used to pull the door right over so you'd not have been able to slide a Penny between the door & the frame and my Dad would come past opening it right against the wall & decaying it a strong easterly wind must keep closing it over (with a raised eyebrow) I'd close it over & my mum would push it open 6" and comment that it's best not to push my luck with my Dad and on the dance went. Just enough privacy to kiss & get a bit handsy, but not enough to get up to much more!

his house however, he was his mums third child & she was barely home 😂. We got very handsy, but we never actually had sex, so she might not be lying to you, it might be as far as they wanted to go.

but definitely talk to her about the consent AND saying no to parts of it she doesn't want to say yes to. Consent isn't permission to do whatever he wants. Sadly around here, the young lads are very much into fisting, anal, and use some chouce phrases from porn (and we live in a 'nice' area, they look like choir boys, and sound very young the rest of the time, but the way they talk about the girls is deplorable, but the girls aren't any better. It's enough to make you cry! I'm glad I was a teen in the 80's, not now.

Original poster
piffle123 · 29/10/2022 22:23

I think what bothers the most of is that she really doesn't know him. Maybe I'm old school but if they'd known each other at least a decent amount of time it might be easier for me to understand.
The facts are although she thinks they're bloody Romeo and Juliet she hardly knows him and in my book it's far too early for a physical relationship.

I don't want either of them to feel pressured into a sexual relationship just because they think that's what all their friends are doing and it's all across SM

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 29/10/2022 22:25

This sounds really normal, try not to disasterise if possible about what would have happened if you hadn't come home and saved her from herself. It's going to happen.

She's not transformed from an asexual little girl into a wanton harlot overnight, her hormones have potentially raging for years. His is not a surprise for her. She's not far off sixteen and snogging with your top off seems pretty reasonable to me. (And I'm not a cool mum.)

Try not to let her see your shock, don't make her feel shame. Keep the lines of communication open, be curious, try not to panic and make judgements.

NancyJoan · 29/10/2022 22:28

Talk to her about sex, OP. A lot, all day. Take her to get contraceptives. Talk about it with them together. For hours.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 29/10/2022 22:30

The only bit I really raised an eyebrow at was HIS age.
14 is too young and I'd be talking to his parents I think.
But for your daughter at 15, yeh normal.

How's your relationship with her op? When I was her age and pretty much since then I have always been in relationships. I guess seeking stability and love from someone. My parents were unreliable in that respect

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 29/10/2022 22:31

I think it sounds really normal, I would just have a chat about sti and pregnancy risk and maybe make her an appointment to discuss contraception with the nurse. Hopefully she won't be rushing into having sex but it would get better if she's at least prepared.

At the end of the day if they want to have sex they will find a way to have sex! Better to keep communication open and realistic.

Most of dds friends lost their virginity around 15/16yo...

Dollydea · 29/10/2022 22:37

It's going to happen, if it's in ur house or not. You can't stop 15 year olds from engaging in sexual activity.
You have every right to forbid them from doing it under your roof but personally I'd rather know it was happening somewhere safe.
I'd say it's definitely time to speak to DD about contraceptive options, if you haven't already.

Original poster
piffle123 · 29/10/2022 22:44

From what I gather his parents are really strict and if I raise my concerns with them am pretty sure they would put a stop to the relationship - entirely possible as the kids rely on us for lifts (live in rural area)

OP posts: