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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD 15 and boyfriend

55 replies

piffle123 · 29/10/2022 21:48

DD 15 has been seeing a lad for only a couple of months but because we live about 40 mins away only met up with him possibly 8 times. They are at different schools.
She is besotted and talks about him non stop which baffles me as in my view she barely knows him. Most of their meetings have been her watching him play football.

Anyway, he came to our house today; very polite, very nice. They were told not to go into her bedroom but were welcome to use our sitting room which is relatively private.

I popped out for half an hour and when I got back they were nowhere to be seen. Found them in her room kissing; DD down to her bra (thankfully still in jeans).

Absolutely fuming and feeling such a mug for trusting them while I popped out. Not only do they hardly know each other; he is still only 14 and also we have always spoken openly about peer pressure, birth control and STIs.

She knows I am appalled and is tiptoeing around me but I really don't know how to handle this situation. It has so many angles to it and I feel totally out of my depth. She insists that nothing more was going to happen Hmm, but she must think I was born yesterday!
Everything in me wants to ban her from seeing him but that could just make the situation a whole lot worse Sad

OP posts:
Loserluck · 29/10/2022 22:50

Remind them it's illegal too

kissing someone the same age with your top off…..? Also how is it helpful to say that.

yeah sure you can ‘put a stop’ to her seeing him. She’ll hate you, your trust will be broken, she’ll meet another boy and want to have sex with him. Because that’s what teenagers do! World over.

fwiw I lost my virginity at 14 and I’m not scarred by the experience.

Loserluck · 29/10/2022 22:52

Talk about it with them together. For hours

are you actually serious? What would that accomplish except a complete destruction of any mum/ daughter bond and trust. Which is what’s needed

HopelesslyOptimistic · 29/10/2022 22:56

You now know how sexually confident they both are. She is besotted.... cocktail of emotions. They won't stop exploring I suspect... I too would be hopeless in this situation. I'd want to metaphorically kick both their heads in, but, know deep down it won't stop them. This may sound extreme, but, I'd be thinking the Pil. Talk about condoms to her. I know, I know your cross but can you imagine if the worst happens. Feeling for you OP. In the meantime don't let her out of your sight.

Relevanceiskey · 29/10/2022 23:23

Some are more interesting in exploring sexuality earlier and some way later. My friend didn't touch a guy until she was 22. I was 14 and felt more than ready. If you are strict about it, she will find a way to do it, but she just won't trust you if something goes wrong. Would you rather she feels comfortable coming to you if her contraception fails and she need EC?

Don't alienate your children in regards to sex. They deserve decent education and support. God knows they barely get it in school.

Relevanceiskey · 29/10/2022 23:24

Also - presumably they talk every day via phone/text. They probably know each other a great deal more than you realise

TheSausageKingofChicago · 29/10/2022 23:28

They probably have quite an intense online relationship. They may only have met IRL a few times but I bet they are constantly in touch on Snapchat or whatever, updating about their day, sharing snaps etc.
They probably know each other more than you think. It’s a different world than when we were teenagers.

NameChange232 · 29/10/2022 23:30

I wouldn’t worry too much, OP. I was snogging at 12 and probably kissed upwards of 100 people. I didn’t sleep with anyone or go any further than kissing until I was 20

NameChange232 · 29/10/2022 23:31

Make sure she knows about contraception, that she understands she can say no and that if she ever needs help to advice you’ll be there for her. Better under your roof than in a bush

JhsLs · 29/10/2022 23:32

I think the real issue id have here with not only my own daughter, but also a cocky 14 year old I’d met once is that you specifically asked them to remain in the living area and they jumped at the chance to disobey you when you were out. I’d talk to my daughter about trust and being old enough to earn it and what that might look like, with time frames. I’d be more miffed that she’d disrespected my wishes than the fact I’d found her in her bra.

Loserluck · 29/10/2022 23:44

@HopelesslyOptimistic

You now know how sexually confident they both are. She is besotted

they’re not sexually confident they’re just two young adults having a first relationship. Also he may be besotted too have you considered that?

I too would be hopeless in this situation. I'd want to metaphorically kick both their heads in

This is just bizarre. You’d want to kick your child’s head in for experiencing their first relationship? Why? It’s totally normal

This may sound extreme, but, I'd be thinking the Pil

John Lydon’s band PiL? Don’t think that will help.

In the meantime don't let her out of your sight

why? Wtf? She’s a young adult. She needs sound advice on how to navigate this relationship not an iron fist telling her not to have what’s a totally normal experience

sex isn’t evil. It’s a normal human activity. Your kids need to be taught how to handle it with maturity not be told off

babydoco · 30/10/2022 11:17

Yes wrong if then to go in her room if you asked not to.

But a teenager kissing her boyfriend?? Her hormones are everywhere. I was doing the same at her age. Have an open discussion with her by all means and educate about safe sex etc. if you don't want to condone sex in your house that's understandable at their age. But they were kissing. You didn't walk in mid romp.

tickticksnooze · 30/10/2022 11:25

15 and 14 year olds are not "young adults" ffs. Words have meanings and "adults" does not include children.

babydoco · 30/10/2022 13:32

RedHelenB · 29/10/2022 22:10

You definitely need to have the consent and contraception talk, preferably with both of them. Remind them it's illegal too.

What's illegal about kissing at 15 in a bra?

MrsMariaReynolds · 30/10/2022 14:04

How on earth did your DD meet him if they live so far apart and attend different schools? Why is a 14 yo interested in an almost 16 year old ( and vice versa)? At that age, I found most boys my own age repulsive. I'd be suspicious of the boyfriend's confidence and motive.

I also wouldn't be happy with them disrespecting your no bedroom rule, tbh, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker. Sounds like it's time for a contraceptive talk though. Maybe keep an eye on her social media, too. A couple who is falling fast, and living far apart will be exploring each other through alternative means...

VioletCharlotte · 30/10/2022 14:20

MrsMariaReynolds · 30/10/2022 14:04

How on earth did your DD meet him if they live so far apart and attend different schools? Why is a 14 yo interested in an almost 16 year old ( and vice versa)? At that age, I found most boys my own age repulsive. I'd be suspicious of the boyfriend's confidence and motive.

I also wouldn't be happy with them disrespecting your no bedroom rule, tbh, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker. Sounds like it's time for a contraceptive talk though. Maybe keep an eye on her social media, too. A couple who is falling fast, and living far apart will be exploring each other through alternative means...

They're 14 and 15 so probably in the same school year. OP didn't say her daughter is nearly 16.

OP I think leaving them home alone was a mistake. At that age, their hormones are raging so they're going to grab every opportunity they get. Please don't make your daughter feel embarrassed for kissing her boyfriend or that she's done something wrong. All that will do is push her away from you and make her feel like she can't talk to you.

My DS had a girlfriend of the same age at 15, she used to come over to ours and he would go to hers. The rule was door open, but I used to talk to him a lot about sex and protection, and most importantly consent. I think it's important not to make teenagers feel sex I'd something dirty or forbidden, let her know that it's completely natural and normal, you just want her to be safe.

RedHelenB · 30/10/2022 14:26

babydoco · 30/10/2022 13:32

What's illegal about kissing at 15 in a bra?

Show quote history

Maybe I got it wrong , but the suggestion was that it would have progressed to sex of OP hadn't cone back?

Original poster
piffle123 · 30/10/2022 15:03

Yes they are in the same school year; just opposite ends.
I've spoken to her, she's adamant that nothing else would have happened and upset that apparently i'm "jumping to conclusions"!!

OP posts:
scarletisjustred · 30/10/2022 15:11

He's 14 years old! Your daughter is nearly 16. If it was my 14 year old son, I would be incensed about the danger of pregnancy - well obviously not him, but her getting pregnant - and the possiblity of young fatherhood ruining his life.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 30/10/2022 15:14

She's not nearly 16 - if they're in the same year she's only just 15.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 30/10/2022 15:16

OP, I wouldn't go on being cross with her, it seems pretty normal to me. Next time I'd stay in the house though!

Mischance · 30/10/2022 15:26

Do not be baffled by the fact that she thinks and talks of him all the time. It is simply human nature. She is in love/lust - that is what we humans do, and feelings at that age are very strong.

Do not ban this boy - you will simply push your DD away and they will find other places to meet on their own. Better to have them under your roof where you can be aware of what is going on. If you make an enemy of this boy, you will make an enemy of your DD.

Please talk with her. Do not make her feel ashamed. Tell her you fully understand how feelings can be very strong when you are young, and explain your concerns about not wanting her to be hurt, emotionally or physically. Discuss contraception and STDs. Tell her you trust her - because if you don't you will lose her and all the love that she needs from you will be lost to her just when she needs it most.

I had 3 DDs and there were moments in their teens when I had my heart in my mouth. But I gave them facts and above all else heaps of love and the assertion that I trusted them to make wise decisions. I suspect that things skated on pretty thin ice at times but we got through and they are all happily partnered up with children now.

"Get pregnant if you must, but never take hard drugs or get in a car with a driver who has had a drink" was a slightly tongue-in-cheek refrain that used to hold good in our house. It said: I love you and want you to be safe, and that if you were to slip up on contraception the love would still be unconditional.

If you act shocked you will push her away. If you act as though you understand then you will keep her in your loop where she can get support if life takes a difficult turn.

She is in love - you cannot turn that off - it is a very powerful emotion.

The assertion that you trust her is a very powerful one and there are times when that valuable truth will be in her mind and help her to do the right thing. Feeling that you do not trust her and that she is making bad decisions will make her feel to hell with it, I might just as well do as I please regardless of the wisdom of it.

Unforgettablefire · 30/10/2022 15:34

piffle123 · 29/10/2022 22:23

I think what bothers the most of is that she really doesn't know him. Maybe I'm old school but if they'd known each other at least a decent amount of time it might be easier for me to understand.
The facts are although she thinks they're bloody Romeo and Juliet she hardly knows him and in my book it's far too early for a physical relationship.

I don't want either of them to feel pressured into a sexual relationship just because they think that's what all their friends are doing and it's all across SM

Some things have changed over the years but one thing never will...
While the cat's away the mice will play.

Mischance · 30/10/2022 15:38

she thinks they're bloody Romeo and Juliet

They ARE Romeo and Juliet in their minds - if you do not show understanding of that fact you will cease to be in a position to help and support her. You have to get inside her shoes and show her you understand.

Notjusta · 30/10/2022 15:44

Ugh I feel your pain OP. My DS and his girlfriend are a big source of worry for me. My DS is extremely resistant to discussion, and I am struggling too. I have to say though kissing with her top off really isn't that awful. And don't assume they would have had sex. My DS is adamant that he and his gf are not having sex and actually gets really angry with me when I even mention it, claiming they are far too young.

Sorry no real advice. Although I agree don't shame her, it is normal behaviour even if it isn't what you'd want. I also agree that the number of times they've met face to face is irrelevant these days. They probably communicate with each other almost constantly.

Notjusta · 30/10/2022 15:46

piffle123 · 30/10/2022 15:03

Yes they are in the same school year; just opposite ends.
I've spoken to her, she's adamant that nothing else would have happened and upset that apparently i'm "jumping to conclusions"!!

Yes my DS acts deeply offended. It's a careful balancing act of being clear about risks, contraception, being safe etc without 'offending' him 🙄🙄

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