When should a 17 year old start paying their own way??

Dusky21 · 2022-10-05T13:44:12+00:00

My daughter is 17 and in her second year at college. She started a part time job (minimum wage) in the summer and bring in between £300 and £400 a month She is classed as in full time education but only does 2.5 days a week. She does work on the 3 days she's not at college or evening depending what shifts she's been given. I'm feeling guilty for thinking she should now be starting to pay her own way with things like clothes, toiletries etc. We give her £15 a week toward her bus and dinner money while at college and pay her for her mobile phone. We don't charge her any bored at the moment, we said once she's working full time she will have to. She asked for some new winter clothes the other day and I did offer to go halves, today's she has asked for a new coat and I've said she need to start buying these things herself which didn't go down well. AIBU??

QuebecBagnet · 05/10/2022 14:46

I supported dd with clothes while she was at sixth form even though she had a part time job.

Commonhealthgames · 05/10/2022 14:48

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FlorettaB · 05/10/2022 14:49

Are you struggling financially? If so it’s totally reasonable to stop funding non essentials for her if she’s earning. Is the coat a non essential or something she needs for the winter?

iekanda · 05/10/2022 14:49

IMO You should buy the coat unless she already has 4 coats or whatever. Unless you are absolutely desperate for money, I wouldn’t charge a 17yo who’s at college any board.

Ship · 05/10/2022 14:49

When I was younger I paid for all my stuff as soon as I started working aged 14- clothes, phone etc. my own kids are still primary age but when they’re older I would probably buy essentials like coat and trainers but anything they want as opposed to need they would buy it. I would help towards phone and driving lessons but expect them to be saving some of their money too if they earned enough towards things in the future like car insurance

slowquickstep · 05/10/2022 14:51

She needs to contribute to her clothes. Tell her you will buy her a coat for £20 and if she wants a more expensive one she has to cough up the money.

MissisBoote · 05/10/2022 14:52

We pay for essentials for my DD17. She's not able to work so just has her allowance so she buys non essentials from that.
I'd see a winter coat as an essential.

FlorettaB · 05/10/2022 14:53

’When I was younger I paid for all my stuff as soon as I started working aged 14- clothes, phone etc’

That’s admirable of you but not a situation I’d aim for as a parent unless I absolutely had to because of my finances. Clothing your child is a bare minimum requirement for parents.

FlounderingFruitcake · 05/10/2022 14:57

She’s not an adult, she’s working hard and I wouldn’t penalise her for that by refusing to buy essentials if you can afford to do so. Does she need the coat or is it a fashion purchase? Toiletries are also essentials unless the request is for say expensive make up rather than deodorant or tampax.

Comefromaway · 05/10/2022 14:59

She should start to pay her way once she leaves full time education/once her eligibility for child benefit stops. She may only be in college 2.5 days per week but will be expected to study outside of those hours too. My son did a Btec and had similar hours but he had continuous assessments. A level students will have homework and exams.

It is my job as a parent to feed, clothe and ensure my child can be educated. I paid for lunches at college, bus fayres, books and equipment, basic phone contract and essential clothes/toiletries. I expected my teens to pay towards their social life, food out by choice, make up and non essential clothes.

Coffeaddict · 05/10/2022 15:06

slowquickstep · 05/10/2022 14:51

She needs to contribute to her clothes. Tell her you will buy her a coat for £20 and if she wants a more expensive one she has to cough up the money.

I think this is a fair compromise. Supply the basic option but if she wants fancy shampoo or label clothes then she pays the extra.

Similar with phones, laptops ect.

goldfinchonthelawn · 05/10/2022 15:35

I would still pay for essentials - food, home, essential clothing. But if her winter coat is still in good condition and she only wants a new one because she wants to update her wardrobe - that is what her earnings are for. Have you discussed what she does with the money? I would massively approve if she has put most of it into savings - starting to save for a house deposit or car and driving lessons, or just to have some money set aside for unexpected necessities - that is worth supporting. But if she spends it all on going out, then I would maybe ask her to either save or contribute as she won't be learning that income isn't all play money.

onmywayamarillo · 05/10/2022 15:40

Mine is in the same situation
But pays for
own phone contract
Few clothes
Nights out
Travel
Takeaways or food at college

I provide all food, essential clothes, and household stuff.

Driving lessons too!

Original poster

Dusky21 · 05/10/2022 17:34

So we are not struggling financially but feeling the squeeze a little bit like alot of people I think.
I am not refusing to buy her essentials, we are happy to buy essentials but I don't feel she should be buying her own make up, fake tan etc.
We have recently been away (precovid holiday moved and moved again) and we paid for most of her clothing, toiletries etc and paid for everything while away.
She has coats but has lost the belt from her main one so won't wear it with out it....it will be in her room somewhere.
She is putting no money into savings and most is gone by the end of the month....she waste most of her money on vaping as far as I can see. I think this is probably the reason I am getting frustrated when she wants us to buy something for her and I know full well she's wasting her money on vapes. ( Which by the way we do not approve of and she is not allowed to do it in our house or in front of us)

OP posts:

Original poster

Dusky21 · 05/10/2022 17:36

Dusky21 · 05/10/2022 17:34

So we are not struggling financially but feeling the squeeze a little bit like alot of people I think.
I am not refusing to buy her essentials, we are happy to buy essentials but I don't feel she should be buying her own make up, fake tan etc.
We have recently been away (precovid holiday moved and moved again) and we paid for most of her clothing, toiletries etc and paid for everything while away.
She has coats but has lost the belt from her main one so won't wear it with out it....it will be in her room somewhere.
She is putting no money into savings and most is gone by the end of the month....she waste most of her money on vaping as far as I can see. I think this is probably the reason I am getting frustrated when she wants us to buy something for her and I know full well she's wasting her money on vapes. ( Which by the way we do not approve of and she is not allowed to do it in our house or in front of us)

Sorry I DO think she should be buying her own make up, fake tan etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Dusky21 · 05/10/2022 17:40

She has just returned home with a new Primark coat!
If I had suggested a Primark coat I would have been shot down! Maybe she has realises how much coats actually cost??

OP posts:

Coffeaddict · 05/10/2022 17:40

Make up and fake tan are not nessesties so yeah she can buy them herself. Dido if she has a coat but wot wear it because she lost part of it it's time she takes responsibility for her own possessions. So if it's lost she's responsible for replacing it.

Elsiebear90 · 05/10/2022 17:50

I think having £300-£400 a month of disposable income means she can buy her own clothes and makeup, I had a job from 16 and was paid about the same and bought all my own clothes and beauty supplies. My parents didn’t charge me board until I was working full time, toiletries were paid for in the weekly shop.

FlounderingFruitcake · 06/10/2022 12:55

Based on your updates you’re definitely in the right, and maybe a good lesson learned too re the Primark coat!

TreeLine6 · 09/10/2022 01:27

Tbh I do find it incredibly bizarre that on mumsnet DC are expected to be paying rent and effectively fending for themselves as soon as they turn 16.

Meanwhile in the real world all the DC I know at that age age rightly focused on their education. Personally I see it as kart is my role as a parent to ensure my DC are educated (first and foremost), fed, clothed and happy.

We are lucky to be able to afford designer clothing, toiletries etc and I am happy to fund these for my DC while they are in education. I’m not going to go buying them a £1000 Canada Goose coat but equally I’m not going to have them in Primark clothing.

Tbh I find the British obsession with DC getting jobs as soon as possible very bizarre. As far as I’m concerned, DC’s job is to go to school and study hard and it takes time to do that properly. I certainly wouldn’t begrudge buying shampoo for a 17 year old who is at college and working hard.

Blanketpolicy · 09/10/2022 17:15

Ds(18) has just started uni (staying at home).

We are currently supporting him with roof over his head, food at home, some clothes, and continuing the £120/month he had for school lunches/pocket money. He worked PT over summer and saved around £2k for uni, he will probably earn £250-300/month depending on which shifts he can do now he is at uni 5 days a week. He hopes not to need a maintenance loan this year.

He pays for his own phone, transport, uni lunches, gym, Spotify, socialising, extra clothes etc

We can comfortably afford that just now and if nothing changes I don't plan to charge board until he has left home and is working FT. It is more likely he will move out at some point and we will need to support more.

Upsidedownagain · 13/10/2022 07:08

My 17yo dd is in almost exactly the same position and earns similar. She is a reckless spender - buys tons of clothes, make up etc. And also weed, which we don't approve of as she has some mental health issues and has been advised not to by professionals. Otherwise it goes on takeaways where it's an extra to the meals we provide, drinks, transport when with friends etc.

We don't pay her any pocket money anymore but we don't ask for any board etc and still fund her phone contract. We would still buy more expensive items, such as trainers, but usually as a birthday / Christmas present as they aren't technically 'needed' and have done that for a few years.

We are fairly well off so my view is it's more about her learning how to manage money, than that we can't afford what we needs.

lannistunut · 13/10/2022 07:20

At that age I would pay for essentials e.g. coat, decent pair of shoes and leave them to do all the fashion buying. I would not sub going out money. Obviously all housing, food is provided whether they work or not.

I'll be honest - if my kid was saving up for uni I would be more generous than if they were spending it all on rubbish!

00100001 · 13/10/2022 07:22

I wouldn't be giving the £15 bus fair any more tbh.

BlueKaftan · 13/10/2022 07:36

TreeLine6 · 09/10/2022 01:27

Tbh I do find it incredibly bizarre that on mumsnet DC are expected to be paying rent and effectively fending for themselves as soon as they turn 16.

Meanwhile in the real world all the DC I know at that age age rightly focused on their education. Personally I see it as kart is my role as a parent to ensure my DC are educated (first and foremost), fed, clothed and happy.

We are lucky to be able to afford designer clothing, toiletries etc and I am happy to fund these for my DC while they are in education. I’m not going to go buying them a £1000 Canada Goose coat but equally I’m not going to have them in Primark clothing.

Tbh I find the British obsession with DC getting jobs as soon as possible very bizarre. As far as I’m concerned, DC’s job is to go to school and study hard and it takes time to do that properly. I certainly wouldn’t begrudge buying shampoo for a 17 year old who is at college and working hard.

Absolutely agree. I had a part time job at 16 but I was also a child in school.