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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I want more from my 16yo dd. Any suggestions?

55 replies

Luckything50 · 03/10/2022 21:46

She’s a good girl, likeable generally and no trouble. Has lots of friends, part time job, just started A levels but not really interested at all in them. Herein lies my trouble….

Other than bloody TikTok she’s just not very interested in anything. No sport, art, culture, literature, political movements, I just can’t seem to find anything she will get animated about.

Shes had lots of opportunities - has been scuba diving, skydiving, fencing, travelled widely, etc… but she has very little to say on any subject.

If I suggest she read a book/newspaper, watch the news, go to a gallery/the theatre, she thinks I’m nagging her to get off her phone (I am) and isn’t interested.
Any ideas on how I can help her to engage with a more adult world?

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 03/10/2022 21:53

16 year olds don't really care about what adults think. Politically active? Not likely. Why express an opinion that others could disagree with..

I find history, art and culture boring. Hasn't held me back in life.

She has a job, is studying, our role is to feed, to pay and to transport :)

oldestmumaintheworld · 03/10/2022 21:53

You can't. She either will or she won't engage, but you can't make her. Sadly, some people do. And others aren't interested. Step away.

SunshineClouds1 · 03/10/2022 21:55

Other than bloody TikTok she’s just not very interested in anything. No sport, art, culture, literature, political movements, I just can’t seem to find anything she will get animated about

Sorry to disappoint but I'm in my 30s and still not interested in this stuff.

At 16 I was interested in my part time job, friends, boys and drink!

Original poster
Luckything50 · 03/10/2022 22:57

Those if you who don’t find any of the interests listed appealing - what DO you enjoy doing?
Maybe whatever it is you fill your days with she’d like too?

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 03/10/2022 23:06

Back the fuck off. She's 16. Not mature enough to be into all the things you list. But certainly old enough to make her own decisions about what interests she wants to pursue. Leave her alone. Stop nagging and judging.

watcherintherye · 03/10/2022 23:07

I’d leave her be. She can’t manufacture a passion for something, even less can you do it for her. She’s got friends, a job and is doing A Levels. That’s enough to be going on with at 16. Maybe she just needs to mature a bit, before engaging with the wider world. If you’re worried about personal statements and CV’s, I wouldn’t. She’s got plenty there to pad one out!

surlycurly · 03/10/2022 23:09

I know what you mean. It's not necessarily the topics that are the issue, it's the lack of curiosity or desire to learn about the world they're in. If it's any consolation my DD was exactly the same but has just started uni and is much more interested in the world around her. But also is still very much into boys, drink, friends and tictok!!

jackstini · 03/10/2022 23:12

In the nicest way - Leave her alone!

She's interested in TikTok & has her friends

What does she do when she sees them? Mine likes sitting in the main town square people watching, a bit of shopping, going for something to eat - but mostly sitting in each other's rooms chatting

She's doing homework and got a part time job - the rest of time is her way to chill

When she finds something she's passionate about, support her then Smile

MossGrowsFat · 03/10/2022 23:12

Swap part time work for full and Tik Tok for Mumsnet and you've more or less described me

Original poster
Luckything50 · 03/10/2022 23:17

@AnotherEmma you sound lovely. Thanks for your response.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 03/10/2022 23:18

You're welcome Smile

MultiTulip · 03/10/2022 23:20

Do you know what she’s watching on TikTok? What she’s watching is what she’s interested in, try and pick up on that with her.

lannistunut · 03/10/2022 23:22

She’s a good girl, likeable generally and no trouble. Has lots of friends, part time job, just started A levels Personally I would try to look on the bright side, you are pretty lucky. Just ask her if she will some out for a meal with you or to watch a film, and tell her you think she's doing great.

Original poster
Luckything50 · 03/10/2022 23:23

@surlycurly “that lack of curiosity” that’s it, exactly.
And without any drive to look outside social media and her immediate circle, how does one find something to be passionate about?

I don’t want her to spend her life passively watching other people live theirs.

OP posts:
twelly · 03/10/2022 23:26

Sadly I think this is trend, I think it is sad and a worry but it does feel that whatever you try to do as a parent has the opposing impact.

BecauseICan22 · 03/10/2022 23:26

AnotherEmma · 03/10/2022 23:06

Back the fuck off. She's 16. Not mature enough to be into all the things you list. But certainly old enough to make her own decisions about what interests she wants to pursue. Leave her alone. Stop nagging and judging.

Disagree.

I rhink it all comes down to exposure.

My 15 year old is very curious about the world and how it works, sometimes annoyingly so. But I know this curiosity has come from me and I've instilled it in her from when she was a toddler. We've always had discussions.

She is kind, conscientious, studies like mad and is now begging me for a part-time job. She also has wild debates with me about Ukraine, the evils and the positives of social media, pro-choice or not, adoption, consent and so many other things. These are topics we've discussed in the last week. She was actually explaining to her 10 year old sister about Putin 'annexing' parts of Ukraine.

My point is, don't 'back the fuck off.' Knowledge and curiosity is valuable and the more you expose her, the more normal it'll become.

So many people want to do the bare minimum, 'feed, clothe and transport'. Then they complain when they have clueless young adults that have little to no direction in life.

OP, encouragement, patience and not guilting her if she doesn't want to are key. Provide the opportunities.

BecauseICan22 · 03/10/2022 23:30

Luckything50 · 03/10/2022 23:23

@surlycurly “that lack of curiosity” that’s it, exactly.
And without any drive to look outside social media and her immediate circle, how does one find something to be passionate about?

I don’t want her to spend her life passively watching other people live theirs.

This!!!!! Why watch others live colourful, interesting and motivated lives when you can and should be doing that for yourself, you are absolutely worth it!

Passive living is everywhere. You're in the minority if you actually take an interest in helping your teen, because you know they all have so much life experience to fall back on and make the best choices for themselves.

ShadowoftheFall · 03/10/2022 23:32

But why are young people nowadays not fired up with the indignation and righteous zeal that we were? I was marching for Amnesty International and CND, and against the Iraq war at 16-17. I don’t expect them to share my political ideology, by surely they should care about something.

33goingon64 · 03/10/2022 23:44

Lack of curiosity about the world around them and no ability to imagine outside their own experience would be a parenting fail for me. I am very interested in the world, books, music, nature, politics etc and I got that from my parents. DH is not the same - he's more materialistic and into different stuff to me. My two DC are hovering on the cusp of both influences. Maybe they'll get the best bits of both of us. But I'd be very disappointed if they had no curiosity or knowledge about what's around them other than on their screens.

alwaysmovingforwards · 03/10/2022 23:53

It's just a phase and will probably pass.

I remember at 16 thinking my parents were the most boring and irrelevant people on the planet.

waterrat · 04/10/2022 03:34

I do know what you mean Op ...the reality is that being bombarded with shit content online does replace time that would be soent learning about the real world

However. I was v shallow at 16...my interests were raving...drugs....boys....and that continued until i was in my 20s

As a student i never marched....was solely focused on fun

Now i work in political world and am v knowledgeable about the world. It came to me in time.

I did read a lot though even when a party obsessed teen. I worry the same for my kids...they dont have the casual interest in history or reading that i had at their age

junebirthdaygirl · 04/10/2022 04:27

Sometimes we have to accept our dc are not like us. Remember they have two parents and may be more like the other side. Also they may get fired up when they go to college and you may then get sick of listening to the new interest each time they come home. I think an interest in politics/ history runs in families and if you look around you..say in work..you will see people who have absolutely no idea of what's happening in the world and they are surviving fine. Annoying but surviving!! As a teacher at Primary level l come across children who from an early age are full of interest in the world around them and others who just let it all go by them. And it's not always the ones with the high grades..it's just a personality thing.
It's important you not give her the message that you are disappointed with her . Just chat..normally ..about these things but don't turn it into a big deal as it make knock her confidence.

maddiesmam · 04/10/2022 05:15

You want more from her? Leave her be, She has a job, friends and goes to college? So what if she doesn't want to read a book or go to theatre?
Let her find her own way and stop trying to force things on her.

Sling · 04/10/2022 05:28

Sometimes it's just who they are - I've one who is fired up about the world, always wants to debate the latest news and when on a device is usually watching some documentary about politics, philosophy or economics (he also watches complete drivel) Back to a PP's comments, yes some of that is because I engaged and encouraged this when he was younger - but it's also who he is.

I also have another one who has zero interest in that stuff, likes her world much smaller (all be it with a large input of Tim Burton, Anime and animation). She would rather rip her finger nails out than debate philosophy or economics and will only occasionally discuss politics if the context has a direct relation to her. I also engaged and encouraged her when she was younger - she's just different, with different interests and preferences.

By all means offer your DD lots of different opportunities especially if others in the family want to do them but don't be disappointed if none of them stick. Equally if she voices options or interests, jump on those and encourage them even if it doesn't appeal to you or other family members at all.

BasiliskStare · 04/10/2022 05:36

@Luckything50 I think just chatting from an early age worked for DS. I do think trying to make children engage in activities for the sake of it isn't particularly productive. I would relax for a while & she may well find her interests over the next few years. I think @Sling speaks sense. They are all different.

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