I want more from my 16yo dd. Any suggestions?

[Luckything50]

She’s a good girl, likeable generally and no trouble. Has lots of friends, part time job, just started A levels but not really interested at all in them. Herein lies my trouble….

Other than bloody TikTok she’s just not very interested in anything. No sport, art, culture, literature, political movements, I just can’t seem to find anything she will get animated about.

Shes had lots of opportunities - has been scuba diving, skydiving, fencing, travelled widely, etc… but she has very little to say on any subject.

If I suggest she read a book/newspaper, watch the news, go to a gallery/the theatre, she thinks I’m nagging her to get off her phone (I am) and isn’t interested.
Any ideas on how I can help her to engage with a more adult world?

This whole attitude is your problem: I don’t want her to spend her life passively watching other people live theirs.

It isn't your life.

The more you try to control her life the worse you will make it. I have older children, you have to a) show them some respect and b) trust them to make their own choices.

You are very judgemental and she will feel it. I would imagine you're putting her off.

I'm 50 and I have zero interest in the things you've listed. I'm a massive lefty but certainly wouldn't have shown this at 16!

Your dd sounds absolutely lovely, many of my friends would gladly swap their teens for her!

My ds is 17, he's literally no bother, has a part time job, lots of friends, is doing his a levels, he's tidy, keeps in touch when he's out late and if he's at home he's generally on his phone. That's his life and I'm happy with that.

I thank my lucky stars for him, he's a lovely lad and has the rest of his life to develop interests,find his passion etc

Does she want to apply to university? Mine does so I tell her that she needs to do things that will look good on her applications even if it feels like a lot of boring effort. Then I feign surprise when she comes home having actually enjoyed them 😉

This reminds me of "Should I wake the sleeping baby?" discussions.
OMG, you have a content teenager with some plans & a little aspiration & very little angst. She causes you no trouble. Don't rock the boat (!)

I find history, art and culture boring.

All of it? Without exception?

You have an amazing daughter who sounds very well rounded and lovely, and you are still complaining about her lack of interest in 'culture and politics'
Her version of culture will be on line, and her interest in politics will grow as she gets older and has more skin in the game so to speak.

Your dd is grappling with:

A levels, a job, navigating the social scene, preparing for adulthood, dealing with social media, friendship issues and trying to fit in with the herd, her friends no doubt will have issues such as anorexia, eating disorders and self harming problems even if your dd doesn't have that to contend with. There are boys/romance to contend with at this age, a changing body, pressure to drink/party/take drugs right about now, formulating her own identity and thoughts about life in all of this, considering degree courses/universities, trying to pass exams and do well academically and to add to all of that she has to be super fit, look great and be social media ready every day.

It is a hell of a lot for most teenagers.
A worrying amount to contend with.

I think she has enough on her plate without needing to worry about political parties as well. It is about self preservation.

You are putting far, far too much pressure on her. Don't add to her burden.
Try asking how she is managing instead.

Oh for goodness sake. She's studying for exams and she has a pt job and your major complaint is that she's not engaged enough with the outside world.

You're very lucky OP. I have a 16 yr old DS and some of my friends with DCs of that age are struggling with school refusing, self harming and getting into trouble outside school with gangs.

Back off and be careful what you wish for.

She sounds like a normal 16 year old to me . Sadly social media has taken the place of real life for lots of people.

@Sling you have my dc… the first is now away at uni living life…

I do accept that a part of it may be her age but also I know a huge percentage is her addiction to a SM that is specifically designed to keep her nailed to it, and this enrages me.

Just leaving her to it isn’t an option - thanks to those have understood that and suggested positive ways to help. I’ll be more patient…

This is what I was doing at that age. I think many young people are still the same. My teenage nieces are all vegan for environmental reasons and politically engaged.

You cannot make someone do it though. You can encourage them, watch news together, have discussions etc but some people are not like that. I have a teenage nephew who considers the girls mad. He doesn't understand why people engage in "depressing stuff" when there is Xbox. Each to their own.

Does she go to private school?

She sounds a little bit like my DD (apart from the skydiving/scuba diving/travel etc)
Sometimes on a really nice day it would be nice if she wanted to go and do something rather than sit indoors on her phone....

...but there are things she will do with her friends that she won't do with us - they have been to several art galleries in London, she'll go for awalk with friend and her dog, and they go shopping and she'll even message and ask if we need anything if she's in town with a friend v refusing to go and get milk etc if we ask her to go.

She does have a rough idea about news and current affairs (from Tik Tok!) and will occassionally discuss.
I've started watching programmes I wouldn't be that fussed about with her so we can spend time together, and it's nice. Or she chose some influencer 30 day exercise challenge to do and I joined her (with some of it) I'd much rather go for a run or exercise outside but I enjoyed doing it together and mixing up my own routine.

What side of TikTok is she on? (Code for what kind of content does she watch on TikTok) If you don't know, the TikTok algorithm shows what you are interested in. So my ds is on GymTok which as you can probably guess us about exercise and FoodTok because cooking simple high protein meals interests him.
Have you asked her if she's seen videos about what's going on in Iran? I watched a video yesterday where schoolgirls had removed their headscarves and were burning pictures of important leaders while shouting and chanting. Unbelievably brave but if she's seen the same video then she'll know some current affairs.

Just leaving her to it isn't an option?

You sound way too over invested and intense, if you want her to grow into her own person with her own considered values and opinions that is precisely what you should be doing, backing off and supporting her.

What A-levels is she studying? At a push you could introduce her to reading magazines that might help her learning eg The Economist if she's doing Economics but pushing print media like newspapers and magazines will be a battle as her generation may not have read that kind of thing past the toys on the front of magazines stage. You can get subscriptions to read magazines on a Kindle but their generation may find magazines as alien as watching tv with ads rather than ad-free Netflix.

SM has created a generation full of FOMO. They think that exciting stuff will happen while they are away from their phone. Does she have a part-time job ? That will force her to have breaks from her phone and talk to real people like colleagues and customers instead.

Your DD sounds great in that she has a pt job and friends and is taking A-levels. Ask her to watch the news with you on a regular basis - she might think you're nagging but so what if she does? Is that so terrible?

Given the similarities - what I would say that was game changing with my DD is accepting that her interests are her own. And they aren't necessarily other family members or indeed mine. She'd spent years putting up with stuff she wasn't interested in, as she's got older I applaud her knowing her own mind more.

So I do try and embrace her interests, I've watched hundreds of episodes of My Hero Academia and scouring comic stores. We have a long running WhatsApp chat where we share memes, videos and news about stuff she likes, and maybe I do sneak in a few others that could open some ideas, but mainly it's what she likes.

Now she's just started being involved at school backstage of their production and over the last week has been building props, I'm so not a crafty person but have been her 'assistant' in particular this has involved watching loads of YouTube and TikTok videos on similar projects. Yes, it's easy to get sucked into a vortex on those apps, but we should acknowledge there is also some good content.

So I don't think you should 'let her be' in terms of doing nothing - but I do think 'let her be' in terms of letting her choose what she wants to be interested in and then follow her lead.

Your DD sounds perfectly normal. At 16 I went to work, studied, did my sport, cadets, read and spent alot of time on instant messenger - at least when the phoneline wasnt being used or sat on my friends bed chatting and listening to CDs. Spending time with my parents or even talking to them for long was the last thing on my list I wanted to do. We have a great relationship now though.

Interests in the things you have listed dont just happen they have to be instilled from a young age. What hobbies does she get to see you doing to lead by example? Have you watched the news together and discussed current affairs as a normal part of your day? You want her to be interested in theatre - did you take her when younger? Is it a normal part of your family lifestyle? What would happen if you just bought some tickets for you both and went, then go for a meal afterwards to talk about it.

If she likes social media then talk about whatever/whoever it is that is interesting her on there involve yourself in her world and she might be more receptive to coming into yours.. Get tickets for a meet and greet, or if she likes make up tutorials get a make up lesson, watching people make recipes find one to try etc.

Want her to get out and explore the world away from social media lead by example and book both of you on to an outward bound activity weekend with no tech.

We talk about current affairs, took the dc to hustings, they have firm views of future policies. We have always spoken about their thoughts and opinions about the world/CA over supper most evenings. Surely most families do this. Your dd will be absorbing the culture of a life time of going to Rome, Florence, Athens etc and museums and galleries etc - it is built into their lives from a very young age. School will have debates and discussions every week maybe more often if it is a good school, and the children are involved and debate their thoughts.

I always think it is a sign of true intelligence when a teenager doesn't immediately flock to the obvious (ie vegan and extinction rebellion) but takes her time to develop her own ideas and opinion before jumping on the nearest bandwagon.

Tiktok weirdly does have lots of political content - but it is of very dubious quality having looked at the Boris content.

Honestly I don't think you can make anyone do or be like anything. They are who they are.

Think of say, sport or music. You can pay for all of the lessons you like in the world, but if your kid isn't interested they will always get beaten by the kid that has nothing other than determination.

She sounds like shes doing great!
Studying, working and has lots of friends. Leave her to it!

Her interests are probably her friends, given she has lots of them, and so

... and socialising.
Well done on her on getting a pt job.

She sounds like my eldest who is 19 now and still not into politics or culture.

Plus as they say, be careful what you wish for.
She could get into politics or culture but it may be the polar opposite of -your- politics or culture.