I want more from my 16yo dd. Any suggestions?

[Luckything50]

She’s a good girl, likeable generally and no trouble. Has lots of friends, part time job, just started A levels but not really interested at all in them. Herein lies my trouble….

Other than bloody TikTok she’s just not very interested in anything. No sport, art, culture, literature, political movements, I just can’t seem to find anything she will get animated about.

Shes had lots of opportunities - has been scuba diving, skydiving, fencing, travelled widely, etc… but she has very little to say on any subject.

If I suggest she read a book/newspaper, watch the news, go to a gallery/the theatre, she thinks I’m nagging her to get off her phone (I am) and isn’t interested.
Any ideas on how I can help her to engage with a more adult world?

It sounds like you want to monitor and control her free time and that you dictate what is a worthy hobby?

you need to give her space to discover these things for herself. She may also be tired from studying and working and just wants to pass some time on her phone and relax

I must admit that this would bother me too; these things are really important to me and I’ve made big efforts to introduce them to my kids. But I do agree - as others have said - that you can’t force it.

How is she with your older daughter? Do they get on well? If you planned a trip with DD1 to, say, an exhibition that she would like, would DD2 be tempted to come as well?

Remember too that these things come with time. A (very cultured) friend of mine commented that when he went to university he felt very unsophisticated compared to his peers - and that served as a real impetus for him to find out a bit more about the world. She may find that a change of scene and friendships when she goes to university is a bit of a trigger to broaden her interests - and you can be on hand to encourage and support that then.

She’s pretty sure she doesn’t want to go to uni - largely because she has no interest in any subject she perceived as academic. That’s absolutely fine obviously, but she also says she doesn’t want a dead-end job in an office, or in retail or similar, but when someone points out that the more interesting careers often tend to involve some study she switches off because she hasn’t found anything interesting enough to put some effort in.

She gets on very well with her very different sibling and they enjoy being with each other but share no interests, just a sense of humour. They have had a very similar upbringing but have been completely different from the day they were born.
Again, fine, obviously.

I don’t want to dictate her hobbies and activities, I just want her to have some.

OP, just out of interest, have you ever been on TikTok? I ask because I’m a woman in her mid 30s, very politically engaged, love reading good books and going to the theatre and museums (when I can, I’m in the small child parenting stage of life now!) and I love TikTok.

Yes there’s plenty of silliness and dancing etc, and your feed will respond to what you like and show you more of it, but my feed is also full of history, political commentary, artistic chefs, crafts, gentle parenting/therapeutic content…

I can think straight away of creators who make content about historical fashion, the hidden history of London, painting and crochet, the art of lace making, a brilliant Medievalist who’s in her early 20s, disability rights, sustainability, two linguists doing fascinating stuff on language, a brilliant therapist who talks about having healthy relationships (I could have done with him when I was a teen). The list goes on.

Have you asked your daughter what she’s favourited on TikTok recently? Have you tried to be interested in her stuff instead of just trying to interest her in yours?

@BuffaloCauliflower really? Of course it’s highly entertaining, great fun, educational, moralistic blah blah… it’s also therefore thoroughly addictive as it’s designed to be.

You may be able to regulate your exposure to it - my dd struggles with this to the point where, if she’s not at school, at work or with friends, she will scroll (I’m not exaggerating) from around 10:00am when her eyes open, until around midnight with possibly a total of an hour off. Her phone is in her hand and her eyes are on it.

I would like her to exercise, have any hobby, read, play an instrument, even watch a different bloody screen with the news, or a film, or something (of greater length than a minute or so long TikTok, but that’s a whole other issue) that would encourage her to have an opinion and improve her ability to concentrate.

Have you tried to have a conversation with a teenager who doesn’t want to get off her phone?