I have taken the smartphone away!!!!!!!!

[lisaJN1986]

And my gobby nasty vicious 13 year old DD hates me for it! I am SICK TO DEATH of her disrespect and rudeness. Plus constant getting into trouble at school with all her teachers who are having to tolerate equally rude backchat and disruption from her. Tonight kicking off upstairs, slamming doors and throwing things down the stairs calling me all sorts of horrible names because she has 'nothing decent to wear' despite having a wardrobe bursting at the seams and its all my fault apparently...
I have warned her over and over again about her behaviour, the only thing that bothers her anymore is losing her damn iPhone so I have removed the SIM and put it into a Nokia from about 15 years ago.

She is distraught. Hopefully this will teach her to respect me, my home and stop biting the hand that feeds her!!!

I Have a feeling it may just make things a million times worse tbh
childmind.org/article/when-should-you-come-between-a-teenager-and-her-phone/

Good luck with that. I doubt it will make her behave though.

Taking away the phone is like throwing petrol on a fire.
Is this behaviour new? Why the concern about her clothes? Is she being bullied for what she wears? (I was quite viciously as a teen).

I haven't taken away her phone. I have taken away her smartphone. She can still ring or text her friends, however I am the bill payer and if she can't respect my basic house rules then she loses her privileges end of!

These smartphones are the devils work when it comes to teens anyway. So damaging. Wish I never gave her one as her behaviour has been a million times worse since she's had it.

This will end in tears - and they will be yours. She is only 13. Pick your battles.

Worth a try. Good luck.

'End of' won't work.

I hope it works. I did it once with DD at age 14. After a couple of days, it was like she had been reborn and I realised that so much of the bad behaviour was actually prompted by the 'phone itself.

I would absolutely do what you've done. Disregard those telling you you'll regret this.

Basic respect is the foundation of all relationships, please help your daughter by teaching her that. She will be ok, there'll be a point where you can talk about this.
Let her go through her motions, she'll eventually come to that point where she reflects on herself. You're doing the best thing for her, just keep your cool. Your lovely 13 year old is in there somewhere.

I Understand your logic, perspectives and frustrations.
But the chances are it will lead to further battles, as it could be debated that she will hate you more for it.

She's 13 not 16.
Wish more parents were like you when kids are rude at school.

I absolutely would of taken her phone away. In fact I wouldn't have given her a phone with her sim in it either. She wouldn't be leaving the house unless school so doesn't need her phone. Some parents treat their kids as equals and they aren't, they need to learn right from wrong and who is going to teach them if it's not you

The school even told me I should remove the phone from her as it's the phone causing half the issues in class!

I am just at my wits end with it all, she's in bed now and I think she has realised this evening she has pushed me too far this time 😠

🙄

I would have done the same thing. As for pick your battles, that doesn't mean ignoring all rude, unpleasant behaviour. Personally I would have a discussion with her tomorrow and say you will keep it for a day or two and of she has behaved in a reasonable way, give it back, on the proviso that you will remove it longer the next time she is so disrespectful.

Ignore those telling you you are wrong.
A smart phone is a privilege, she still has a basic phone.
Take her charger for the smartphone too, and keep it somewhere she won't find it if she does find her smartphone. (or remove the fuse). Then she can't swap them back.

You should have done it ages ago. So worrying how many replies are from parents who seem scared to do so. No wonder phones are such a problem in schools and society with teenagers.

Yep. Stick to your guns. It works.

You're not really fixing anything though are you? Happy, secure children do not behave like this. You're just blackmailing her into behaving better, you're not fixing the issue making her act out, and by coming down on her like a tonne of bricks you're making sure she feels like she can't trust you, so she won't come to you for help with whatever is making her so miserable.

i understand your thinking but these rash decisions rarely reap rewards. Rather, they fuel the fire.

You need to approach things in a considered and consistent manner. I’m all for docking pocket money, reducing privileges etc but it needs to be matched by praise and recognition for good behaviour.

Rule of thumb with teenagers is to pick your battles. Ignore much of the drama, notice and praise the good stuff, and pause before invoking punishment.

If she has a wardrobe bursting with clothes that she does not appreciate, that says to me she has been overindulged and does not recognise her privilege.

If she girls things downstairs, she has very poor self control and is en route to violence.

When you are both calm you need to sit down and agree on what is expected and consequences for transgressions.

Put it in writing. Encourage every tiny positive. Stick to the agreement like glue. These are the boundaries she is crying out for.

There is NOTHING making her miserable. Unless you count her perfectly adequate (and £50 cheaper) clothes missing a stupid Nike tick.
She is not neglected, bullied or hard done by in any way, she is spoilt and rude and driven by the need to fit in with all her mates on tiktok and snapchat and it really is as simple as that.

Good for you. I did similar about a month ago. I went through my 12 yr old DD's phone and saw the language she was using and how she talked about me. I said she can now assume she hasn't got a phone. This weekend we have given her an cheap burner type phone so we can call her and vice versa. A smart phone is a privilege not a necessity.

We took the phone away and X box controller when school work was suffering. The school asked all parents to do this if it became necessary.

Never had the rudeness because of social media but he would get het up over online games.

When he went to university deliberately left his X box behind because he didn't trust himself

So she's feeling insecure and anxious about not being like everyone else, worried her friends won't like her anymore if she doesn't have the right kit etc, probably being exposed to lots of harmful messaging about how she should look/act/be, and generally feeling pretty shit about herself, then?

Come on, look a little deeper here! Unless you've done a truly shit job as a parent for the past 13 years and taught her this is an acceptable way to behave, then all of this attitude and carry on is an expression of something she's struggling with and it's your job as her parent to help her manage it, not fire nukes into the relationship and widen the gulf between her and the one person she should be able to depend on for support!

Obviously she’s not spoilt if she’s got £50 cheaper items of clothing than everyone else. She’s the charity case friend at best and bullying target at worst. I was bullied mercilessly for my clothes as a teen. So much so I started working at age 12 to buy a few items here and there to try and stop the bullying. As my parents were much like you, refusing to acknowledge that small changes could have not made me a target.

You say her wardrobe is “bursting at the seams” with clothes. Is it worth thinking about instead of buying lots of cheap clothes, buying fewer but better quality clothes for her? And giving her more choice in what clothes are bought for her?