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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I have taken the smartphone away!!!!!!!!

61 replies

lisaJN1986 · 01/10/2022 19:57

And my gobby nasty vicious 13 year old DD hates me for it! I am SICK TO DEATH of her disrespect and rudeness. Plus constant getting into trouble at school with all her teachers who are having to tolerate equally rude backchat and disruption from her. Tonight kicking off upstairs, slamming doors and throwing things down the stairs calling me all sorts of horrible names because she has 'nothing decent to wear' despite having a wardrobe bursting at the seams and its all my fault apparently...
I have warned her over and over again about her behaviour, the only thing that bothers her anymore is losing her damn iPhone so I have removed the SIM and put it into a Nokia from about 15 years ago.

She is distraught. Hopefully this will teach her to respect me, my home and stop biting the hand that feeds her!!!

OP posts:
CuriousCatfish · 01/10/2022 22:32

So you have made her a target again by taking away her smart phone.

Do you actually like her?

ElectedOnThursday · 01/10/2022 22:37

lisaJN1986 · 01/10/2022 22:20

There is NOTHING making her miserable. Unless you count her perfectly adequate (and £50 cheaper) clothes missing a stupid Nike tick.
She is not neglected, bullied or hard done by in any way, she is spoilt and rude and driven by the need to fit in with all her mates on tiktok and snapchat and it really is as simple as that.

Show quote history

Yes there is something making her miserable and your stubborn refusal to listen will not help your relationship. Just being a teenager is challenging, the body and brain is going through rapid changes which can be very confusing. Then there are social pressures and the biological need to separate from parents. Maybe demonise her less and listen more.

Original poster
lisaJN1986 · 01/10/2022 22:45

She does have some branded clothes. I am not that mean, depriving her or deliberately singling her out or making her a target. She normally gets an expensive top or pair of shoes for her birthday. But like lots of parents, I simply cannot afford to buy her every single item in JD that she wants! And nor should I! Or do we pander to our kids now and give them everything they want when they stamp their feet?
You can get a nice pair of jogging bottoms from Asda George and they are identical, except they don't have the silly tick, or the £50 price tag. They are clean, warm and look nice paired with a fashionable top or a JD hoody.
Apparently they aren't good enough though, nasty me.

Again, she is not hard done by!!

No wonder so many teens are spoilt brats 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
lisaJN1986 · 01/10/2022 22:49

CuriousCatfish · 01/10/2022 22:32

So you have made her a target again by taking away her smart phone.

Do you actually like her?

At this precise moment in time, no not particularly 😠

OP posts:
justasking111 · 01/10/2022 22:50

Suggests you both go through her wardrobe and sell stuff. There's websites where you can buy nearly new at great prices then. Do a bit of bonding.

"Depop - buy, sell, discover unique fashion" www.depop.com

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 01/10/2022 22:56

I did similar when my dd was that age and it definitely worked, she went from rude and disrespectful back to the lovely girl I thought I'd lost.

The phone was completely toxic and she needed a complete break from it.

When I gave it back I set new ground rules and she knew if any of the previous behaviour started again the phone would go.

It astounds me the amount of parents who think teenagers have a right to a phone that is full of toxic crap and is completely addictive. A 14 teen year old recently killed herself and her phone and social media use was directly implicated.

ohhelldoi · 01/10/2022 23:02

You did the right thing, I would have done exactly the same and have done before.

Switching off the wifi gets instant attention in my house.
They are warned that if behaviour continues it's going off - the first few times I did it there was uproar but now they know I mean it and they know it's coming I hardly have to do it anymore, in fact I can't remember the last time we had a teenage eruption - they used to be a regular occurrence but life is a little calmer these days (15 and 18)

The wifi will go back on once we have all calmed down, had some time to think about things (this is for me too as I have to remind myself to calm down and pick my battles, some things you just have to let slide and let them figure it out themselves) we can then arrange a mutually convenient time to sit down and talk things through without shouting.
We each explain our frustrations in a calm manner and everyone gets a turn to talk. We then try to come to a mutual conclusion about how we can move forward and then the wifi can go back on. This whole process can take DAYS so expect major complaining from other "innocent" family members who may also suffer from lack of wifi

I will not accept and refuse to live in a home filled with screaming, shouting, and slamming about, it's makes me anxious and jumpy. I need clam,
so I always try to find the calmest way to resolve conflict. Do not engage in the drama it only escalates things- Life is not fair and teens need to learn to deal with that

StClare101 · 01/10/2022 23:03

Bloody hell some of the responses on this thread are crazy! She is not being made a target because not every item of clothing is branded! And a phone is a privilege not a right. No wonder there are so many entitled, unpleasant kids around these days….

And to the PP who got a job to pay for her own branded clothes….. so what? Didn’t we all? Most parents were unwilling or unable to buy that stuff back in the day, and we all got jobs to be able to buy what we wanted. Are you now trying to rebadge this as some kind of trauma? How ridiculous! The Uber materialism and consumerism everyone is so willing to indulge these days is not healthy.

Pansypotter123 · 01/10/2022 23:03

She's hardly a charity case amongst her peers if she has an iPhone Confused

Surtsey · 01/10/2022 23:04

Good for you OP. She needs to be taught a lesson. Stick to your guns.

emzy31 · 01/10/2022 23:06

I can not believe the amount of people saying OP was wrong for taking the phone away!

She didn't take her food away ... it's a smartphone ..

Well done op don't listen to the people saying you shouldn't have done it. They're the reason half of the teens are the way they are these days

ohhelldoi · 01/10/2022 23:14

@StClare101 totally agree!

I could never buy all the clothes my kids want, I also don't agree with how much it's costs to look cool these days but have at times felt guilt that I couldn't give them everything they wanted or their friends had.

They both have part time jobs now and buy their own fancy stuff, I will provide everything else.

If they want an expensive pair of trainers (more than £100) I will give them money towards them and they will pay the rest.
They both look after their clothes really well as they value the time it took to earn them.

ReeDeeHee · 01/10/2022 23:17

emzy31 · 01/10/2022 23:06

I can not believe the amount of people saying OP was wrong for taking the phone away!

She didn't take her food away ... it's a smartphone ..

Well done op don't listen to the people saying you shouldn't have done it. They're the reason half of the teens are the way they are these days

Me too.
When I was 15 my parents took away everything I owned, bar some clothing. I can't even remember why now! I had to earn it all back, one chore at a time...

Jellybean23 · 01/10/2022 23:22

Well done, OP. Now she knows there really is a limit to what you will tolerate from her.

KILM · 01/10/2022 23:23

Also cant believe some of the responses - there's SO MUCH out there talking about how smartphones, social media bullying, body image messaging, sexual messaging and addictive apps are messing with kids heads and people think that you shouldnt ever remove the cause of the issue? There's plenty of kids who are incapable of learning to self regulate - look at how many people die from gaming addiction. By removing the phone you at least give them a chance to focus on other things and methods of communication? Not every child can be gently coaxed into change over time, with an addictive device still in their hands.

Fraaahnces · 01/10/2022 23:31

I did the same thing with my DD years ago. I also made up a list of things that needed doing around the home and how much I would pay for her to do it (to my liking.) :- These things were separate from the chores my kids do (emptying and filling the dishwasher and taking rubbish out on rotating roster). She began to learn to save and is now a dab hand with a vacuum, can clean ceiling fans (not in uk) and windows, etc, and makes some fabulous meals. (She’s now 18 and working p/t but still contributes to our household by doing things without expectation of financial reward because she is learning the value of money.)

Mariposista · 01/10/2022 23:53

She is 13! She absolutely does not need an iPhone. You have done the right thing OP. I agree with you that the horrid device is probably part of the cause of her bad behaviour. They are distracting and addictive, and a 13 year old does not have the maturity to deal with that (a lot of adults don't). let her have the brick phone for safety. She can have a smartphone when she is old enough to get a part time job and pay for one!
And as for 'she will be isolated from her friends', it's rubbish. At 13 she is too young for social media, and if her friends are on it more fool their parents, and if she wants to meet up with them, she can still send texts and make calls.

CovertImage · 02/10/2022 00:18

...then all of this attitude and carry on is an expression of something she's struggling with...

Or it's simply an expression of being a little shit, exactly as I was at that age.

wishmyhousetidy · 02/10/2022 00:35

well done and despite what some are saying it is good parenting. Teens can’t behave in any fashion and keep every privilege- she is 13. Good luck

GroggyLegs · 02/10/2022 00:51

Good for you.

We talk a lot about making a good choice in our house. If you make bad choices, you chose the consequences of that.

kelpie9 · 02/10/2022 00:58

Can I say well done OP for taking this stand.

It is a pity there are not more parents like you.

Hugs to you, well done

TheMadGardener · 02/10/2022 01:21

Stand your ground OP. It's crucial to follow through with sanctions and repeat them if necessary. My DDs are pretty reasonable but there have been occasions when I've disabled the WiFi. The key is that once you've done it they know you mean it and you will do it again. Generally I only have to mention it might happen again and they moan a bit but do the right thing. Consistency is key. (Same in teaching, if you threaten a sanction you have to follow it through or you lose respect. No point making empty threats as far too many parents do). Don't be in too much of a hurry to give the phone back. Keep it for at least a week and preferably only give it back after she's apologised for throwing stuff and being rude.
(I agree with a PP, you can call me a horrible strict parent but I can't be doing with living in a house with shouting and constant rudeness, it would be far too stressful!) DDs know I'm not unreasonable- DD1 caused some damage in the house this week but it was totally unintentional, she didn't realise what would happen and I didn't go mad but reacted with "don't worry, these things happen."

ALittleBitofVitriol · 02/10/2022 01:27

Good on you! I wish I could go back in time and never give my dd a phone/tablet at all. You're not alone. I totally agree, they're the devil's work (smartphones, not teenage girls - though it's a close 2nd 😅 kidding people unwad your undies)

ZestFest · 02/10/2022 01:43

Well done. I wish more parents would actually, you know, parent.
The majority of the replies here actually floor me. This is why we have an epidemic of flouncing, entitled, dreadfully-behaved children. Christ.

MissingNashville · 02/10/2022 01:55

You need her to do the right thing and behave well because it’s the right thing to do and because she respects you, not because she wants her phone back. That’s the problem with doing things how you have. It just sounds like a mess to me.

How the hell did she turn into a ‘gobby, nasty, vicious, rude’ child that doesn’t respect her mum or her teachers at the age of 13. Access to social media doesn’t cause all that, there’s other things that have gone very wrong here.