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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds in serious trouble

54 replies

par05 · 01/10/2022 10:02

Hi, yesterday had a email of the school, they had tried to ring me I was in work. About a incident that happened in school with ds 15. He had confronted a boy a year older about sending him racist msgs via ds girlfriends ph bear in mind this happened a week ago.
My ds went up to this boy and he had a pen in his hand as just come out of lesson and hit him with it, that is my ds version teacher said that my ds stabbed him with it.
This boys group of friends then chased ds all round school even knocking his food of his tray when stood with teacher. Spitting at him and shouting at him telling him to go back to monkeyland.
My ds is 100% wrong in stabbing someone with a pen as if that had been a knife! But now I'm at my wits end and really don't know what to do. His gf was telling these boys to msg my ds racist things of her ph apparently and tried to set him up to get beat up by these boys.
I have taken his phone of him and told him it is over with his gf as he has been òn a massive downward spiral since being with her.

OP posts:
Climbingthelaundrymountain · 01/10/2022 10:09

He needs to split with the gf, block her and the other boys on his phone/social media. Yes he should not have "stabbed" the boy with a pen but I actually think good on him for confronting the boy for being racist. The school should be protecting your son and dealing with the racist behaviour in a serious way. Understandably he will get a consequence for the pen incident but I would be worried about your son's safety and want to know how the school are going to stop anything else from happening during school hours.

Oblomov22 · 01/10/2022 10:17

Whilst the school won't allow the pencil stabbing, any form of physical, quite rightly. Presumably you will have to go into school for meeting with Leadership. It's then you can ask them what they are doing re all the events that led up to the pencil. Racism. Bullying. Get organised. Screen shot everything, timeline it. So you approach said meeting organised.

IsABajan · 01/10/2022 10:24

So sorry this is happening OP. I had something similar with my oldest son, not a set up from a girl but he done something to offend our local Muslim community and we had death threats etc so was a hard time.

I'd be concerned for your DS safety now. Can you change his school? Or arrange to drop him and pick him up. Sorry to sound negative but those boys may not leave this alone and could be after him. The girlfriend trying to set him up...I do not have nice words for her at all. Defo keep her away from him

Could your son go and stay with other family?

AsAnyFuleKno · 01/10/2022 10:33

The racism is the bigger issue here, that the school needs urgently to address.

Original poster
par05 · 01/10/2022 10:36

He's not acknowledging his wrong doing at all, seems more annoyed he has no ph. Was still msging his gf last night. I just don't get why he can't see how toxic she is.
I can't stand the racism either but we are very much the minority here. My ds sometimes goes looking for trouble especially at the moment.

OP posts:
DialsMavis · 01/10/2022 10:41

The pen thing isnt great obviously, but the racism is abbhorent and needs to be tackled immediately. What did the teachers do when the bullies were acting like this in front of them? If the school are not willing to deal with it v quickly then it clearly isnt the right environment for DS. How much should he be expected to take before snapping?

The GF sounds vile too

ElectedOnThursday · 01/10/2022 10:42

Honestly it is so minor compared with racism. I would be inclined to call in police to report hate speech, it is by far the bigger issue.

Don’t let your son be criminalised by this. If he is not a violent person or inclined towards fighting I genuinely don’t believe you need to worry about it. What he does need support with is navigating challenging situations - as would anyone in his shoes. He needs the school to have his back in the racism issue.

Arucanafeather · 01/10/2022 10:49

I agree with @ElectedOnThursday - I would contact the police for support. The police have specialist training for just these types of situations. They will be able to help your son. It sounds like this is not the first incident for your son and whilst I can only go on the little I’ve read, my priority would be your son’s safety (otherwise I would be suggesting you see if the school can support situation first and would expect a good school would have strategy already in place ready and waiting for these types of situation to help all the children involved).

Prescottdanni123 · 01/10/2022 10:51

Have the school mentioned anything at all about the racism? That definitely needs addressing. Yes, he shouldn't have 'stabbed' the boy with the pen but what the other boys have done is so much worse.

itsgettingweird · 01/10/2022 10:52

When you say in serious trouble.

Do you mean with school for stabbing the boy with the pen? Or serious trouble as he's seriously at risk from these racist shits spitting at him and chasing him around a school and assaulting him physically?

Because both are separate and need addressing.

Your ds has to accept his consequence for the stabbing incident.

But the school MUST report those racist shits to the LA and they must be punished accordingly. It's a hate crime and the police will take this seriously.

Just because what your ds did was unacceptable doesn't mean that he shouldn't be protected from racist violence and abuse. In fact it's very likely it's that's that's caused him so much anger to react the way he did.

custardbear · 01/10/2022 10:52

Is there background here? You said DS is going out looking for fights? Not that racism is acceptable or such, but wondering if they've butted heads before? Do any of that gang fancy his girlfriend etc?
I can't believe he'd just stab someone with a pen for no background issues or other problems going on?
But like I say racism isn't acceptable - but responses have to be less extreme than stabbing someone

Prescottdanni123 · 01/10/2022 10:53

Also, if his gf was getting other people to message him racist things and trying to get him beaten up then that is a hate crime. I'd contact the police for support.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 01/10/2022 10:59

Spitting is also classed as an assault.

Tbh I don’t blame him lashing out a racists.

PhillySub · 01/10/2022 11:01

By all means remove the phone but don't block the messages, record them as evidence of how he is being set up for when you go into the school.

universalcreditquestion · 01/10/2022 11:03

par05 · 01/10/2022 10:36

He's not acknowledging his wrong doing at all, seems more annoyed he has no ph. Was still msging his gf last night. I just don't get why he can't see how toxic she is.
I can't stand the racism either but we are very much the minority here. My ds sometimes goes looking for trouble especially at the moment.

I don’t think he’s ‘looking for trouble’ I think he is trying to address the huge injustice and racism he’s facing but doesn’t have the life skills to do appropriately hence the pen ‘stabbing’

The school are letting him down have you considered a formal complaint to the governors ?

HellYeahAurora · 01/10/2022 11:19

This reminds me of what happened to my ds, he was hounded from year 7 - 9 by some girls who’d taken a dislike to him because he’s mixed. They’d hit him, burn him, shove him etc. every time I went to the school they’d say they’d sort it. They didn’t. I warned them something would happen and it was on them. One day both set upon him and he retaliated. They ended up quite badly injured. He was the only one punished. Their father was threatening legal action which I was more than prepared for with my 3 years of video and message evidence and letters to the governors. The school failed to protect him. Then punished him. I’d have loved it to have gone to court but mysteriously it all went away.

universalcreditquestion · 01/10/2022 11:21

HellYeahAurora · 01/10/2022 11:19

This reminds me of what happened to my ds, he was hounded from year 7 - 9 by some girls who’d taken a dislike to him because he’s mixed. They’d hit him, burn him, shove him etc. every time I went to the school they’d say they’d sort it. They didn’t. I warned them something would happen and it was on them. One day both set upon him and he retaliated. They ended up quite badly injured. He was the only one punished. Their father was threatening legal action which I was more than prepared for with my 3 years of video and message evidence and letters to the governors. The school failed to protect him. Then punished him. I’d have loved it to have gone to court but mysteriously it all went away.

I’m so sorry your child had to put up with that. It’s horrific . Why do our children have to be subjected to this and nothing is in place to protect them ? It’s so so wrong

custardbear · 01/10/2022 11:22

HellYeahAurora · 01/10/2022 11:19

This reminds me of what happened to my ds, he was hounded from year 7 - 9 by some girls who’d taken a dislike to him because he’s mixed. They’d hit him, burn him, shove him etc. every time I went to the school they’d say they’d sort it. They didn’t. I warned them something would happen and it was on them. One day both set upon him and he retaliated. They ended up quite badly injured. He was the only one punished. Their father was threatening legal action which I was more than prepared for with my 3 years of video and message evidence and letters to the governors. The school failed to protect him. Then punished him. I’d have loved it to have gone to court but mysteriously it all went away.

That's awful, so sad the school let him down time after time 🥺

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 01/10/2022 11:33

AsAnyFuleKno · 01/10/2022 10:33

The racism is the bigger issue here, that the school needs urgently to address.

No it isn't. The racisim is abosolutey unacceptable and clearly these kids are the lowest of the low to use this type of language and the racist little assholes need major reprocussions (hopefully expulsion). That said, the second OP's son used violence, that included the use of an item as a weapon no less, this became the biggest issue. In both law and in terms of what the school should be dealing with.

Fedupwitheveryone · 01/10/2022 11:35

feel for you OP but i'm surprised pp are pretending it's not a big deal that he stabbed the boy with a pen. he's 15, not 5. That could be hugely serious.

Racism is obviously also a huge issue - even more so if the school aren't taking it seriously and addressing it.

Agree with PP about being organised and going into the meeting calm and prepared. But pls make your son realise reacting (understandably) with violence is only going to end up getting him in serious trouble and crucially, turn people against him (ie the school)

VivienneDelacroix · 01/10/2022 11:42

I would ask the school if they are reporting the racism to the Hate Incident Support Service (a branch of Victim Support). They are very keen to capture the true picture of racism in schools and create a local picture of where it is happening. If they aren't - say that you are and you will be naming the school.
We turn the other cheek to far too much racism and discrimination in this country, we pretend it doesn't happen here - and schools are particularly bad at owning the racism they overlook.

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 01/10/2022 11:56

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 01/10/2022 11:33

No it isn't. The racisim is abosolutey unacceptable and clearly these kids are the lowest of the low to use this type of language and the racist little assholes need major reprocussions (hopefully expulsion). That said, the second OP's son used violence, that included the use of an item as a weapon no less, this became the biggest issue. In both law and in terms of what the school should be dealing with.

Show quote history

As an ethnic minority I agree. I'd rather my son got called a name then be stabbed. Obviously I'd hope he experiences neither though.

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 01/10/2022 11:57

I read that as your son was stabbed op apologies. I hope you manage to sort it out.

ZealAndArdour · 01/10/2022 11:59

What is a ph?

SnackyOnassis · 01/10/2022 12:03

As pps have said, I'd be taking control of this situation by going on the offensive and asking them what's being done to safeguard your son - literally in front of the teachers these boys are knocking food off his tray and taunting your son?
They've failed to manage this situation and protect him up to this point and it's escalated to the point that your son hit another kid with a pen - that's remarkable restraint on his part. As for hitting v stabbing, I'd take his side and his story in this, it's going to be everyone else's word against his and in the long run, his mum being in his corner is going to be really important.
Good luck OP, I hope he stays safe.