Ds in serious trouble

[par05]

Hi, yesterday had a email of the school, they had tried to ring me I was in work. About a incident that happened in school with ds 15. He had confronted a boy a year older about sending him racist msgs via ds girlfriends ph bear in mind this happened a week ago.
My ds went up to this boy and he had a pen in his hand as just come out of lesson and hit him with it, that is my ds version teacher said that my ds stabbed him with it.
This boys group of friends then chased ds all round school even knocking his food of his tray when stood with teacher. Spitting at him and shouting at him telling him to go back to monkeyland.
My ds is 100% wrong in stabbing someone with a pen as if that had been a knife! But now I'm at my wits end and really don't know what to do. His gf was telling these boys to msg my ds racist things of her ph apparently and tried to set him up to get beat up by these boys.
I have taken his phone of him and told him it is over with his gf as he has been òn a massive downward spiral since being with her.

Are the messages still on the phone?

Both sides are unacceptable here and there needs to some mediation with parents and students.

Is the child that got hit/stabbed injured?

I get the police involved on all sides.

It goes without saying the gf is a bitch and needs to go.

I agree. Imagine being a powerless teenager in a system that allows perpetrators of racist abuse to thrive and continue unchallenged. These kids know they’ll eventually get a rise out of him and an escalation in his retaliation and they also know it will be him who ends up taking the fall for it.

Unfortunately he has played into their hands. Your poor boy, he is a child and can’t be expected to have the emotional intelligence and coping skills to be able to “grey rock” behaviour like this. The far, far bigger and more pressing issue here is the racism, and his girlfriend weaponising his race against him, to the point where she’s managed to mobilise foot soldiers.

He will have to accept the consequences of the pen incident, be very clear with the school that you don’t condone that, and will accept whatever punishment they see fit, but raise merry hell and do not let the precipitating factors slide, the school MUST deal with this. And a fucking generic assembly about being kind isn’t enough. If your son is to be reported for the pen incident these other kids need reporting for hate crimes and malicious communications. Your son must see you standing up for him, otherwise he will carry the injustice of it through his life.

First of all I'd want it clarified if he hit or stabbed the other boy, there is a big difference. If he stabbed him there would be evidence of that, a puncture wound or something, I wouldn't let it go on record as stabbing if it was hitting.

I'm glad you asked because I don't know either.

I agree that the school needs the full back story here. Sadly, IME, schools tend to support the bully rather than the victim who is pushed to the point of retaliation.

The girl friend is a shit stirrer. She should have gone to senior management with the racist comments. Does your son actually know what to do if he receives such messages in the future? Meet with the school and your son, make a plan so that next time a trusted person is able to deal with the issue immediately and your son can see that justice is being served. If the school fail to deal with future racist incidents, you can support your son to report these children to the police. Help him go through the right channels rather then take justice into his own hands as this will backfire on him

This may sound completely over the top, but it may be worth you and your son gone to the police. Him explaining exactly what he did. The moment that happens, the school, social and the police have to get together and discuss things. Social will interview your son, the police will interview your son, and if he is someone who can be quite honest about things with them. They may well recommend councilling for him, to help him realise that he reacted incorrectly, but that he was okay to react. The school needs to be the ones on guard here and realise that they are to provide a good 'work' environment not a racist one. It would be weeks of hell for yourself and him, but in the long run may be the best thing. It completely depends however which county you live in as to how good the social / school and police are at this.

Also consider what male role models and mentors your son has, is there anyone who the school can put in place?

I think before anyone rushes to the police OP needs to know the extent of the other boys injuries, lest she end up shopping her son to the police for wounding with intent or GBH.

Meeting with school needed at the absolute earliest opportunity, first thing Monday morning.

If the other boy truly has a puncture wound to his neck then OP’s DS could be in grave trouble if the police were to be involved.

What a nightmare.

Can you get him out of that school? It sounds so toxic there. Well done for telling him to get rid of the girlfriend.

Your DS needs to accept that he is the one who escalated a war of words into physical violence. Racist abuse is awful. Violence is worse.

I know you don’t have much control over the situation but I would:

• deregister him from the school, or give him lifts to and from, as he’s now in physical danger there.
• Keep him away from phone / internet (eg change your home wifi password) so he can’t contact the ‘girlfriend’.
• Get him into a different school, even if it’s a long commute, maybe even consider moving area.
• Get him some privately funded sessions with a counsellor who can help him work on his anger management and the way he responds to provocation and also help him recognise that he was also in the wrong. The most dangerous and worrying part of all this is that he stabbed someone - sure it was only a pen, but a pen in the right place can kill, as can a punch or a push (and let’s face it, if he’d had a knife he’d have used the knife).

Every mother’s nightmare, I really hope things improve OP 😔

What's ph stand for?

I assumed phone

Does your DS go to a multi cultural school.

Your DS is complete in the wrong but it sounds like he just blew - no excuses but we all have our limits.

I would speak to the head/school, accept that he’s at fault but ask if he can have a managed moved to a different school so he can have a fresh start as I think he needs it, preferably to a more multicultural school.

Hibsotry so long in responding, have been dropping eldest of to uni.
Just to clarify ph is phone, ds has been with me all day wanting his phone but has been sat in car with me and siblings for 6 hours and has managed ok without phone.
I gave positive encouragement that he's done well without having phone. Although he had a argument with siblings when talking about his behaviour with the "stabbing" and essentially maybe moving schools, he started hitting himself in the head in the car.
his mental health is low at the moment ..

@par05 does he have ADHD/ASD? Just thinking of the self harming? My DS is likely ADHD and has a strong reaction to things that others do to him when they're unfair or not allowed

I really don't know, he was the sweetest boy until he met his gf, and has just turned into someone we don't know, there is lots he has done since being with her. Self harm took ovedose after a argument with her, smoked weed, got drunk, sexually active to name a few. I keep putting it down to teenage behaviour but it's not normal ..

Can you move him to a different school? because all of this is rather extreme.

Is the school calling the police over the incident to try to work out what has happened because it all sounds rather complex (fight, stabbing, racism) and worrying.

If your son is also self-harming and using drugs he also needs psychological support. This should not have been allowed to go on for so long without your intervention and passed as ''normal teenage behaviour''.

You really need to step up now and have serious conversation with the school and get your kid some help and out of this mess.

Hi all so just completely lost it with my ds as he is still seeing his girlfriend, I can not believe it! I just can't understand how he feels its all right too. I just said to him I hope he gets expelled if it means he's away from her!
He has now barricaded himself in his room and will not come out saying he dosent want to speak to me ever again.
I'm at a loss.
Cahms and school counselling are involved waiting for referral. I have emailed the school in response to the incident and explained his side and have told them about the girlfriend.
I think she is using him to get out of trouble but he still "loves her" I just can not get my head around it.
He is bigger and stronger than me and I'm scared he will do something to hurt himself

How has this girl managed to completely destroy myself ds?

I hate this situation I feel as if he has no self respect , how does a 15 year old girl have so much control over my ds?? I feel as there is something seriously wrong with him I don't know what to do

I hate this situation I feel as if he has no self respect , how does a 15 year old girl have so much control over my ds?? I feel as there is something seriously wrong with him I don't know what to do

@par05 hi OP. Seems it's teenage hormones and "first love". She obviously has some hold on him and unless she dumps him or he wises up this will be it for now I'm afraid.

I hope SS and CAMHS get a move on and get some help to you.
Are there any family members you can send your son to until this blows over??

Hi thanks for the reply, not really as my family live next door. They support me but last night escalated in shouting match as found out he is still seeing this girl.
Even after everything he can't see how she is.