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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

At wits end with 12 yo DD

71 replies

Stevie77 · 26/09/2022 20:56

Almost 13…

Completely disrespects every house rule and boundary we set and frankly, I’m done with her.

Major issue is phone use. We have tried everything! She has hacked Apple’s Screen Time and has found a way to get around it and spend hours on TikTok so we keep going in circle applying it/her hacking it on and on. We’ve tried to physically take the phone off her but she either finds it, or her new trick - runs and hides in the toilet straight after school. Today it was for a whole hour! We’ve tried locking in a cash box, she’s taken the keys. Etc etc 🙄 The thing is, she’s allowed to use her phone if she finished her school work first, so it’s not the case she’s not allowed it at all.

She’s a clever girl and has worked hard to get into a selective Grammar, but she does nothing other than complain about the small amount of homework they get and leaves it until the very last minute to do to a poor level. She did next to no revision for her end of Yr 7 exams then had a huge cry about being placed in the lowest set in Maths. It’s like she doesn’t learn from experience🤷🏻‍♀️

she’s awful to DS 8 and often starts physical fights with him/takes out her frustration on him. When she gets angry with either of us she can behave aggressively and be threatening. She’s pushed us a few times. I would never have dared behave like that with my parents!

she disrespects our requests around snacking on junk and eating other people’s treats, when special alternatives have been bought for her.

I’m horrible, she hates me yada yada so it’s now a game of good cop - bad cop between my husband (her dad) and I where everything I say, ask or do is the worst. She never wants to do anything with either of us, so no opportunities to spend some nice time together away from the never-ending arguments.

Where do we go from here? Counselling? How do I find one that specialises in teens? School pastoral care? Social services? GP (and ask what)?

OP posts:
ClappyFats · 26/09/2022 21:00

I would take her phone and keep it locked in your car, take her devices too temporarily and she can earn treats and privileges back by making better choices. It's pretty simple. She controls her quality of life by working hard at school and behaving well.

piegone · 26/09/2022 21:02

Take her phone away. TikTok is not for 12 years olds. I don't believe you can't take and hide a phone from a 12 year old. Her behaviour is probably related to whatever she has been exposed to online.

Wearpantsffs · 26/09/2022 21:02

Just take the phone away!!! Ridiculous. You’re the parent - she is way too young t on be calling the shots like this.

ClappyFats · 26/09/2022 21:04

Posted too soon.

My DS is also 12.

We operate on the principle that behaviour and effort are impeccable - this is why he has screens and treats. When he gets merits at school, or if he helps out above and beyond at home - he gains a "star" (call it what you will) when he gets 5 of those he can have something nice - a Costa breakfast at the weekend - a picnic, a Go Kart with a friend, a book, a new game etc.

The second behaviour or effort drops below what we think is ok - he loses his screens. He knows the deal. He is a beautiful child and lives a fun life. But he earns that through the currency of effort and good manners.

CatchersAndDreams · 26/09/2022 21:04

Take her phone away. If she sorts her shit out she can have it back for Christmas.

Wearpantsffs · 26/09/2022 21:05

Well, take away the smartphone. She can have a brick for emergencies and earn the smartphone back.

parietal · 26/09/2022 21:05

agree. take the phone & remove tiktok. if she needs to be tracked / contact you, get a tracker watch which shows you her location and lets her phone you but nothing else

at the same time, pile on the love & attention if you can. watch TV together or bake cakes together or anything that she enjoys without a phone - encourage it.

Original poster
Stevie77 · 26/09/2022 21:07

We are taking her phone away! It’s currently hidden so well she’ll never find it, but she has taken it back/found where it was hidden in the past.

We’re trying to avoid physically wrestling it out of her hand as soon as she walks in the house after school, and give her the opportunity to put it down herself but after today it looks like the only option which makes me sad. It doesn’t feel like a healthy way for either of us to behave.

OP posts:
Threelittlelambs · 26/09/2022 21:08

Stop paying for data and change the WiFi password - or use parental blockers on your router or download an extension.

She loses it with a week or two and then reset expectations.

*watch out for a replacement phone given by friends for feel sorry for her!

CatchersAndDreams · 26/09/2022 21:14

Take the phone away and stop giving it back and taking it back and hiding it. Utterly ridiculous and a conflict source for no reason whatsoever.

She doesn't need a smart phone. Get rid of it u til she can be more grown up about it.

ivykaty44 · 26/09/2022 21:15

Does the phone have data on the sim card?

id get the sim swapped for a sim without data and turn off the WiFi at home- an easier way to prevent internet use

dont sweat the small stuff - keep to simple rules and only a few that are important

let other stuff slide for now

let her learn from her own mistakes, if she fails she is likely to learn quicker

girls this age are often a blardy nightmare- but think each time you let something slide… is she on drugs? Is she having sex with a 25 year old, is she riding pillion on a motorbike, if the answers no then you’re doing ok

ivykaty44 · 26/09/2022 21:17

Stevie77

best hiding place is with the wheel Jack under the boot liner in your car

inheritanceshiteagain · 26/09/2022 21:17

Take the bloody phone away. Lock it in a bloody safe. Be the adult

piffle123 · 26/09/2022 21:21

ivykaty44 · 26/09/2022 21:15

Does the phone have data on the sim card?

id get the sim swapped for a sim without data and turn off the WiFi at home- an easier way to prevent internet use

dont sweat the small stuff - keep to simple rules and only a few that are important

let other stuff slide for now

let her learn from her own mistakes, if she fails she is likely to learn quicker

girls this age are often a blardy nightmare- but think each time you let something slide… is she on drugs? Is she having sex with a 25 year old, is she riding pillion on a motorbike, if the answers no then you’re doing ok

Out of curiosity is it possible to get a 2nd non-data sim? If so can they be swapped over in the phone as and when needed?

LucyInTheSkyWithDiamond · 26/09/2022 21:24

12yos don't need smart phones. Get her a basic 'dumb' phone that can call and text for her for emergencies and put the smart phone away (like far away...in somebody else's house maybe) till she is behaving better

DeliberatelyObtuse · 26/09/2022 21:24

Take the phone away properly

It's not hide and seek ffs

Take it to your work, lock it in your desk/locker

Lock it in your car boot and then hide your car keys

Ouchiehelpneeded · 26/09/2022 21:24

I agree with removing the phone etc, but just to offer a different perspective...

I have a DD the same age who's recently been diagnosed with ADHD. Some of your post sounds very familiar (last minute homework, lack of revision, poor impulse control and especially not learning from experience!). Obviously I've no idea if your daughter has ADHD, but if she does that implies that a different approach will probably be needed.
It's miserable being in trouble all the time when you're doing your best, but the adults around you think you're just lazy or naughty 😞 (voice of experience here!).

DeliberatelyObtuse · 26/09/2022 21:25

And go to Tesco or wherever tomorrow and buy the most basic calls/texts only phone

Meredusoleil · 26/09/2022 21:26

Take the phone AND charger(s) away. Change the WiFi password. Stop her pocket money/putting credit on the phone for her. Put in parental controls and time limits when you decide to give the phone back.

Until she's 13, you can have Google Family Link installed which tracks her phone and you need to give permission anytime she wants to download something.

Such a shame she is not behaving responsibility after doing the hard part of getting into grammar school!

Ouchiehelpneeded · 26/09/2022 21:28

Also re: ADHD. The phone is a constant source of the dopamine that our brains crave, and possibly the social connection that she values. It can feel awful to have that taken away, especially if you don't understand it.

I realise I'm projecting massively 😳

Azandme · 26/09/2022 21:29

"Which makes me sad."

And your clever daughter knows this, interprets it as weakness, and keeps pushing.

Don't get sad, get stricter. Tough love time.

wishmyhousetidy · 26/09/2022 21:30

Agree with others saying take the phone away. Mine was exactly like this, it became a fight every night, verbal or like you have said wrestling it out of their hands. You are right this is stressful for all concerned and doesn’t feel like you are modelling great parenting skills. We had enough in the end, and remember you often aren’t aware of what is going on online and why they are so desperate to keep the phone
We took the phone as we felt our teens mental health was being damaged and it was effecting her health and her behaviour. She calmed down after the initial nightmare meltdown and became a calmer happier person….eventually. She then had a brick phone and now has a smartphone. Stick with it, don’t keep,giving it back to her after an hour or so. You pay the bill and a phone is not a right

Pinkpeony2 · 26/09/2022 21:31

I also have a 13 year old daughter. Can be difficult and very rude at times but thankfully not too bad with other behaviour yet.
What I don’t understand OP is how she had hacked the screen time? I have that set up for my DD and it’s a 4 digit password so how can it be hacked?

Wolfiefan · 26/09/2022 21:32

Get her a brick phone. She can lose the fancy one for now. Or no phone at all. It’s not vital.
DH and you need to team up. Clear boundaries and consequences. Plus rewards and praise for the good stuff.

Neverfullycharged · 26/09/2022 21:33

It isn’t just the phone though, is it?

Its not going to be the case that the phone goes and a polite, compliant girl emerges, who does her schoolwork and is kind to her brother.