My 17 year old son wont get a part time job or car licence

[HuggyBears]

My number 1 son is in his final year a college. Last year and this year students have had the option of taking Maths and English. He has opted out of both. He like History but not Geography. He doesn't like travelling home by school bus so I pick him up every day. His twin number 2 brother takes him to school each day because he has a full licence and his own car that I paid for. He also has a part time job after school and Sunday. My no 1 son always seems to be negative. When you ask him a question you have to ask 4 or five times before he takes his ear buds out and the answer is alway "WHAT" I keep telling him the he should be more polite when answering like yes or beg your pardon but all I get most of the time is a mumble. Incoherent. When I suggest he get a part time job he says NO. My no 2 son gets annoyed taking him to school each day and keeps telling him that if he had a licence and his own car he could go when he wanted without relying on him to take him everywhere. So. son 1 will not go for his car licence or get a part time job. I pay him a monthly allowance, pay for his cell, phone, do his laundry and ironing. If left to him he would wear his dirty and un ironed clothes and would not shower. He doesn't care what he looks like .He is own is phone all the time with ear buds. Even at the meal table. After school he is down stairs on the tv or internet. In the weekends he is watching TV all day and only comes up when I call him for meals. I am a solo dad. These are my only biological children. he does the dishes every other day and vacuum the lounge or clean the bathroom when told. I have told him he needs a haircut but he refuses. The other day I said " You are going to have a haircut THIS WEEK" It looks disgusting. He is a boy who doesn't care about his appearance, Button undone sometimes shirt back the front including under cloths, Socks hanging off his feet, Trousers part way down. Shoes not cleaned.

Stop picking him up from school and stop doing his laundry.

Have a serious talk and explain new regime:
Stop picking him up from school.
Brother gives him a lift only when brother is going to school himself. Otherwise he catches the bus.
Stop paying the allowance. He can get a job.
Ironing isn't necessary these days. Buy iron free clothes.

Are they identical twins? I'm asking because of sibling issues, sounds like he wants to be different from his brother??

I would try and have a talk to him about what he wants to do after college and how he can make that happen. What grades will he need or what jobs could he do.

I'd stop picking him up. He might not like getting the bus but he doesn't t have to like it.

I'd let him have his hair how he wants to have it and dress how he wants to dress.

It must be quite difficult when you are a twin and your sibling is always doing the right thing and being successful. I would suggest to him he needs one goal. So does he want to get a job or does he want to learn how to drive. He should choose one and do it.

They are not Identical. They are both completly different

He doesn't like the bus, so you drive him? He doesn't want a part time job, so you pay for everything? He wouldn't bother washing his own clothes so you wash them for him?

Sorry, but you are enabling his behaviour, he has no motivation to do stuff for himself. If you leave him to get on with it, then he'll have to reconsider. You are not doing him any favours by doing everything for him.

It sounds as if he needs encouragement rather than comparison with his brother. He may not be maturing as fast and not ready to be so independent yet. Telling him his hair looks disgusting sounds very hurtful. Make some rules about doing his own laundry and no devices at the table. He's only 17.

I have said to him that he will have to get the bus and his reply is " I will walk home then. That will take him over 1 hour. With a heavy bay.

I'd let him walk.

I don't see any problem at all with walking for an hour. My teenagers regularly walk the dog for an hour.

Also, if he doesn't want to walk, he can learn to drive.

Stop enabling the piss taking. Don't give him lifts. He might not like it, but he has a choice - learn to drive or walk. Tell other son that under no circumstances is he to act as a taxi service either.

Let him dress like a dirty pig if he wants. Thats his problem and hopefully it will deter girlfriends from him so they don't have to parent him later in life because he's too lazy to do it himself. At 17 this should not be your responsibility anymore.

Stop giving him allowance if he has a piss poor attitude to you and takes you for granted.

This isnt hard. You are facilitating him to be a knob.

And?

Let him get on with it. Not your problem.

So? Stop enabling him!

he needs to decide how he has his hair and when it’s cut, not you. It’s not your hair.

the lack of care could be related to having some control where he feels he has non. Alternatively he might be feeling down with self care taking a back seat. Or it’s possible the twin is the golden child and he feels like the scape goat/black sheep.

personally I would stop pressurising him about things, give him space to develop and respect his own personal choices. It’s likely things will go wrong at times but that is part of the learning process.

support him to gain careers advice. What does he enjoy?

think about the things you appreciate in his character, behaviour and efforts. Praise him, giving detail. Show you value him.

It’s only an hours walk, it will be good for his mental and physical health. Eventually he will start packing lighter to ease the load. However he’s young and fit, should be totally fine with a pack pack

If his bag is too heavy he can always bus it rather then walk. Let him decide, there’s no reason for you to meddle and offer lifts .

It's good exercise, and an hour less spent in front of a TV. If his bag's heavy, it'll build up some muscle. Not seeing a problem here!

I agree with other posters, you're enabling his behaviour. It's time for him to do his own laundry, stop the allowance, stop the lifts. I would lay off the haircut though - if he wants his hair long, his choice. Hair is a very personal thing.

I would very much encourage him into part-time job. DS started his aged 16, and I could see his self-confidence blossom, became more outgoing. He liked the money of course, but he also liked the teamwork and the company of his colleagues. He really benefitted from that job.

Teaching him how to do his own laundry is a necessity. He won't always be 17 living with his dad, it's part of preparing him for living as an independent adult.
I started teaching DS when he was about 16/17 I think (along with basic kitchen skills and cooking). And keep making the point that when "he does the dishes every other day and vacuum the lounge or clean the bathroom", that this is not you using him as a skivvy, it is him pulling his weight in a multi-person household and training him for adulthood. Seriously, I told DS at about that age that as a parent, it was not my job to raise a CHILD, it was my job to raise an ADULT.

"He is own is phone all the time with ear buds. Even at the meal table."
New house rule. No phones and no ear buds at the table. Rule applies to everyone, sons and dad alike. He can restart when he's finished his meal, but not during.

The driving licence - are you in the UK? If so, I've noticed quite a few of DS's contemporaries are also uninterested in driving. The cost of running a car is so high these days, the insurance for young people is ruinous. Many are seeing a licence as surplus to requirements, and again, expensive to get. Whilst I generally view being able to drive as a life skill, I can understand this generation opting out (expense, environmental concerns, availability of Ubers).

So stop comparing them.

So what if he grows his hair? The world won't end.

Bring in a rule about no phones at meal times and let him walk home.

There is nothing worse in life than being compared to a sibling, you are setting them up as the golden child and the scapegoat.

Your son sounds quite sad and lacking in confidence. Maybe try conversations that are not about criticising him? When you have your new rules of no devices at the table, talk about anything and everything that is not about how he is not as successful as his brother. You are very disappointed with your son and it shows in every word you write. It must be difficult for your son to live with you. You can be kind without babying him. Explain to him that you want him to learn to be more adult when you are introducing change.

I have said to him that he will have to get the bus and his reply is " I will walk home then. That will take him over 1 hour. With a heavy bay.

Unless he is disabled this really is not an issue. The world does not grind to a halt because a 17yo boy walks for an hour carrying a heavy bag. If he doesn’t like it he can catch the bus, and if he doesn’t like that he learns to drive. Chauffeuring him around is really not doing him any favours.

If you treat him like a baby he'll behave like a baby. What do you think will happen if he walks an hour with a heavy bag? How heavy can this bag be?

One of mines had a walk almost that long to and from school since he was 12 bags and all, let him walk!

Leave him about his hair, it's up to him what he does with it and put some rules in place about washing , cooking and no ear pods at the table

So he walks for an hour. I probably did an hours sport every day at that age, how is an hours walk anything but good for him? A heavy bag is not a problem for a healthy 17 year old. (Pauses a moment to be very jealous of 17 year old me with the gift of time) I can’t believe you pick a 17 year old up because he says ‘I don’t like the bus waaaaah).
Haircuts are pretty trivial in the scheme of things and not the hill you should die on. Basic hygiene, manners, and not catering for and picking up after them like you would if they were a paraplegic is.

I must add that I am 73 on a pension. My son has mild cerebral palsy and mild Autism. However, he can do most things. His mother doesn't help. She pays for the phone, clothes. On his 18th birthday this month she said that she will pay for his trip to another country just visiting or anywhere else in the Country he want to go. Thing is he doesn't want to go anywhere. Just stay at home on games or tv. Is he going to leave home when he finishes school this year. I don't know. He doesn't know what he wants to do. Actually I can understand their mother giving them things because they are her only children, She is 48 I have brought them up since they were 10 years old. They both go to a private christian school which she pays for. She even said that if he gets a licence she will buy him a car. She paid for my other sons car when he got a licence and paid for private pilots licence until he gave it up. I could never afford those things. I did however pass the properties to her and the boys so I have no assets accept my car and personal things. At 73 I don't need material things. Who knows I could be in a box in a year.

Eh?
is it your son? You’ve mentioned his mother. Am I missing something? I agree with other posters, stop enabling his behaviour, by supporting him to be more independent, you’re helping him,, rather than hindering.