My 17 year old son wont get a part time job or car licence

[HuggyBears]

My number 1 son is in his final year a college. Last year and this year students have had the option of taking Maths and English. He has opted out of both. He like History but not Geography. He doesn't like travelling home by school bus so I pick him up every day. His twin number 2 brother takes him to school each day because he has a full licence and his own car that I paid for. He also has a part time job after school and Sunday. My no 1 son always seems to be negative. When you ask him a question you have to ask 4 or five times before he takes his ear buds out and the answer is alway "WHAT" I keep telling him the he should be more polite when answering like yes or beg your pardon but all I get most of the time is a mumble. Incoherent. When I suggest he get a part time job he says NO. My no 2 son gets annoyed taking him to school each day and keeps telling him that if he had a licence and his own car he could go when he wanted without relying on him to take him everywhere. So. son 1 will not go for his car licence or get a part time job. I pay him a monthly allowance, pay for his cell, phone, do his laundry and ironing. If left to him he would wear his dirty and un ironed clothes and would not shower. He doesn't care what he looks like .He is own is phone all the time with ear buds. Even at the meal table. After school he is down stairs on the tv or internet. In the weekends he is watching TV all day and only comes up when I call him for meals. I am a solo dad. These are my only biological children. he does the dishes every other day and vacuum the lounge or clean the bathroom when told. I have told him he needs a haircut but he refuses. The other day I said " You are going to have a haircut THIS WEEK" It looks disgusting. He is a boy who doesn't care about his appearance, Button undone sometimes shirt back the front including under cloths, Socks hanging off his feet, Trousers part way down. Shoes not cleaned.

It says clearly in the opening post that OP is a solo dad.

Aha, thank you, I missed that bit!🙏🏿

Let him walk with a bag. He'll soon realise the merits of public transport.

He sounds like a typical autistic teenage boy. You should encourage him to do more, he may never do if you keep doing everything for him. He may find it hard but you're there to help make it easier, not do it for him. You need to teach him life skills. As you said, you could be in a box next year. If he wants to walk, let him walk. Tell him he has to wash and remind him, but get him to do his own laundry. And stop giving him money.

He won't get a licence whilst people are driving him around

You all need to stop this

How old is he ? If he's under 18 I would still give pm. But stop the lifts (unless it's linked to his disability) wether he learns to drive or not is up to him, his hair is up to him. It's hard to say as it depends how much his disability impacts on him. Also assuming his brother isn't disabled then you can not compare them fairly.

I agree with other posters about not to keep enabling him. But also, I think there are deeper issues there - possibly depression or anxiety (although I'm not a doctor!). I work with teenagers and he seems quite withdrawn. Not wanting to drive, get the bus or get a job could be laziness, but could also be anxiety or lack of confidence. That was the case with myself, I lacked self esteem at 17 so I didn't have the confidence to learn to drive or get a job for ages. He might just grow out of it eventually like I did or it might be worth speaking to the gp/counsellor.

Give him some boundaries for his allowance/lifts. I.e. he'll only get these things if he does reasonable things like cleaning/laundry, taking his ear buds out for dinner (no way my parents would have allowed that).

Their mother, whom I talk about here, and I brought the boys into this world. Neither of us have any other children.

That’s his choice. Stop enabling him

Have you asked why he doesn't want to get the bus? And prefers a lift or to walk? Is he being bullied on the bus?
He sounds withdrawn/ distressed/ depressed to me. The world can be a shit place when you're a teenager- the external world (parents/ school pressures etc) and the internal world. With autism and mild cerebral palsy on top, I think he needs and deserves a bit more support, understanding and compassion.

I appreciate all your comments. The take-a-way from this is that I should be firmer with what he should be doing at his age and perhaps not so insistant on other things that are his choice. I should have joined a forum like this long ago. I feel it is a little too late in the day but I shall see. I would like to keep this forum open and give you feed back on how he reacts to the changes and implements changes that he eventually accepts. I look forward to your continued advise and comments in the near future as the changes take place.

For goodness sake - how can autism and cerebral palsy be things you just happen to mention later in the thread- they are the most important things imv.
And you sound unmotivated yourself, perhaps he is taking after you.
Where are you going to live if you've given away your homes??

I suspected as soon as I read the post that there would be autism involved. That's a pretty important detail to leave out! The ear buds at the table are probably to tune out the noise of other people talking, he likely doesn't enjoy the bus or want to get a job for similar reasons. There may also be a degree of demand avoidance going on. 'Mild' autism only describes how it affects you, not how it affects him. The fact he is going to college is great. What are his plans when he finishes college?

I think it sounds like a confidence and self-esteem issue. I'm not convinced he's lazy, he sounds scared and unsure.
Have you gone on bus journeys with him, so he can see how it all works?
I think love, praise and gentle encouragement is what is needed, he needs to learn he CAN do it but obviously needs help with this.
Could you cook together once a week? Watch a film/series of his choice together once a week? More time together might allow you just to chat and for you to get to know him more. No questioning him though! Just general chat.
Good luck

His excuse not travelling on the bus was COVID. He didn't want to get it. Prior to Covid he said he might get a disease. Funny enough when he was in the lower years he did take the bus, So did his brother . But he changed about 4 or 5 years ago. When he is on a game at night I can hear him some times laughing and talking to the school mates but when he comes up stairs at 9pm he is quiet. Frankly I don't think he has too many friends at school. He also is quite stubborn. If he doesn't want to do some thing in class it is a mission to get him to change his mind according to his teachers. He was offered the opportunity to use dragon naturally speaking {talk to speech software} but he declined because he wanted to be treated normally.. This year is important because it is his last and all credits count towards his finals in November. He has missed getting good marks in exams because he is slow and hasn't finished the assignment. Most of his marks are achieved or not achieved. The only subject that he got excellent in was history which he likes. I though perhaps getting a job in a library or something to do with history but he said NO.

Change the terms and conditions of the monthly allowance - it's meant to be a supplement to your part time earnings. No job, no allowance. Right now he doesn't need to get a job. Why should he? You give him everything anyway! If you stop giving him everything, watch how he'll suddenly develop an interest in getting a job. 😊

CatchingZZZED could be right low self esteem and lack of confidence. I would like him to succeed in whatever he does because it is a hard world out there and the more skill sets and personal positive traits you have to meet the challengers you face the easier it is to succeed.

I get the impression you're not in the UK? If you were your son would have an EHCP and additional support at school.
Does he get that?
To be a twin with additional needs when his brother is fully able is a lot for a teenager to manage. He also has an absent mother.
I would recommend counselling for him.

Just as aside. I started part time work when I was 13, At that stage I had to pay board. At 15 I left school permanently and worked at the same supermarket as department manager. I had no degree. At 151/2 I road my bike to work as I always did but left the bike at the supermarket and caught the bus into the big city. Spent the night in a carpark and booked on a local airline to fly me to a city many miles away. I only had the clothes on my back and enough money for 3 days food. On arriving in the city I approached a private hotel and said that I have no money but I would get a job and pay for the hotel in a week. He agreed. Within minutes was in the street knocking n every door until I was hired washing cars. I paid the hotel that week and had all my meals at the salvation private hotel where it was cheaper. But I was determined to stay out of trouble because the foster home where I stayed had police bulletins trying to find me. I could write a book. The moral of the story it no give up but keep positive and try your best. I am trying my best to get my son into that frame of mind.

It sounds like you are in the US.
Comparing a child with autism to one without regardless of them being twins is most unhelpful.

During puberty the impacts of autism on the person's life often intensifies before settling back down in adulthood so it makes sense that a few years ago he was happy to get the bus but isn't now.

What have you and the school done to support his autism?

He sounds like a very normal young man with autism, in the UK he would be offered a quiet room to do tests in, extra time to aid slower processing, a reader and scribe if necessary.
Poor personal hygiene is often common in people who have autism as they are more sensitive to sensory inputs and find showering etc physically painful.

You need to establish clear routines and boundaries.
He has to shower once a day yo stay clean.
He must change his clothes everyday.
When he takes his clothes off they go in the laundry basket and when it's full you wash them and write down the instructions for him and post them somewhere prominent.

Does twin 2 have autism and CP as well?
Please stop comparing him (unfavourably) to his twin brother and yourself at a similar age. You've already said the brothers are very different, and he will face different challenges than you faced at a similar age.

@Huggybear your son has autism, he is not you and nor is he his brother. Start treating him as an individual.

Playing computer games and socialising online is very normal for prople with autism, it's easier for them they don't have to try and read people's body language and facial expressions or deal with sensory input outside of their control.

You are an older dad, when you were younger life was much, much different to what it is today. Autism and other additional needs would have been swept under the carpet and ignored when you were at school. What have you read up about parenting a child with autism?

If he is struggling with college work then forcing a part time job isn't going to help.

singleandproud. To tell you the truth I haven't read any books about parenting an Autistic child. My bad. The comments here have certainly opened my eyes. Perhaps subconsciously I knew much of what has been said but I didn't want to accept it thinking that things would change by themselves . I can see that I need to change and quickly. I always want the best for my children like any parent but I guess you can always smother them with too much love and affection. Sometimes it is very hard to say " If you don't get the bus you walk." I guess I have to be mean to be kind. Again it is hard to say that to my own children. The comments here overwhelmingly say that I should tell him to take the bus together with other rules that I should put in place. I shall try it and see what happens. I shall report back on the progress. Thanks again.