My 17 year old son wont get a part time job or car licence

[HuggyBears]

My number 1 son is in his final year a college. Last year and this year students have had the option of taking Maths and English. He has opted out of both. He like History but not Geography. He doesn't like travelling home by school bus so I pick him up every day. His twin number 2 brother takes him to school each day because he has a full licence and his own car that I paid for. He also has a part time job after school and Sunday. My no 1 son always seems to be negative. When you ask him a question you have to ask 4 or five times before he takes his ear buds out and the answer is alway "WHAT" I keep telling him the he should be more polite when answering like yes or beg your pardon but all I get most of the time is a mumble. Incoherent. When I suggest he get a part time job he says NO. My no 2 son gets annoyed taking him to school each day and keeps telling him that if he had a licence and his own car he could go when he wanted without relying on him to take him everywhere. So. son 1 will not go for his car licence or get a part time job. I pay him a monthly allowance, pay for his cell, phone, do his laundry and ironing. If left to him he would wear his dirty and un ironed clothes and would not shower. He doesn't care what he looks like .He is own is phone all the time with ear buds. Even at the meal table. After school he is down stairs on the tv or internet. In the weekends he is watching TV all day and only comes up when I call him for meals. I am a solo dad. These are my only biological children. he does the dishes every other day and vacuum the lounge or clean the bathroom when told. I have told him he needs a haircut but he refuses. The other day I said " You are going to have a haircut THIS WEEK" It looks disgusting. He is a boy who doesn't care about his appearance, Button undone sometimes shirt back the front including under cloths, Socks hanging off his feet, Trousers part way down. Shoes not cleaned.

@huggybear, no you drip fed that your son has autism and cerebral palsy. No body is going to suggest a vulnerable child (because that is what he is), with a physical disability walks for an hour.

A lot of the posters who originally gave you advice would not give the same advice for an autistic child
Do not be cruel to be kind. That is not appropriate for a child with autism. How you have raised a child without reading anything about their physical and mental needs is beyond me, you have let him down massively.

You need to order some books on autism today and educate yourself, and then make decisions on how to best support him in a way that is appropriate to his needs.

If you are interested in appropriate help and advice start a new thread in Send parents and put all the relevant details in the opening thread.

This! Incidently does your son claim PIP? Could he use some to contribute to fuel costs? That way he is learning the value of money but not being forced into situations he doesn't feel comfortable with.

@itreallyistimetogo it doesn't sound like the Op is in the UK or at least isn't originally from the UK with talk of credits and finals, sounds more like the US so PIP probably not available although something else may be.

just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely dad, but one that hasn't realised the significance of an autism diagnosis.

please don't initiate the approaches previously advised on this thread as there was an assumption that your son was neuro-typical (ie no autism)

it can be different parenting an autistic child and it's vital that you have input from people who understand the condition

there is a specific talk area on mumsnet for parents of kids with special needs- just type in "SEN" in the talk topic search. (SEN stands for special educational needs and that can cover people with mild, moderate or severe needs)

I think posters here need to cut you some slack: as an older father, it's understandable that the significance of autism may not have been on your radar!

but now you know and i sincerely hope that you find some valuable help

oh god, just read singleandproud's response to you- i would assume that poster is fairly young and unable to comprehend that not everyone has the same access to information

i hope you encounter a little more kindness on the SEN thread- though now i'm worried you might not- there'll be other forums/areas of information- keep looking

you have not let your son down- far from it- what a horrible thing to say!!
let the unpleasant posts roll off you and good luck

Actually, I shouldn't say it but you sound like the perfect mum. particularly for children like mine. Whoops. Sorry.

Your poor son.

He’s autistic with cerebral palsy? I was one of the posters saying walking would be good for him- I take it back op. You can’t treat him like a neuro typical 17yo and I wouldn’t make someone with cerebral palsy walk an hour unless their physio /specialist recommended that as good for them! I don’t know the answers but agree you should post on sen, explain the full context including that you’re 73, his brother is (I think) neuro typical, and the role his mum plays and you should get much better advice.

with Autism, struggling to wash, struggling to compromise or reflect, struggling with change, struggling with relationships, struggling with obsessions (screens?) can be the norm. All people with autism are unique however and have different strengths and needs. It might be worth accessing support groups for information, there are lots of strategies you can utilise to help your son take small manageable steps forward into adulthood.

walkimg home naturally decreases screen time and increases independence, health and opportunities to engage in local community. So it’s a win win.

He will be 18 at the end of this month and is looking forward to having a get to gether with his friends. I asked him how many friends and he said 7. WHOOH. Whether they are his close friends or not so close friends I am not sure. . I just want him to enjoy , from my point of view, the most important time in his life When he officially becomes and adult. I said that he can organise and plan what he would like to do. I think he has suggested 10 Pin Bowls followed by a movie on the big screen at home followed by a meal at a restaurant. He is quite happy with that. His twin brother is driving his 4 friends to another city for two days. Staying at his mums house. They are going to Go Carts, Laser tag, and restaurants in between. My Autistic son didn't want to leave home and would rather stay. He is planning the restaurant, Ten Pin Bowls . All I have to do is pay:(. As for as catching the bus. If I drive the school bus morning and afternoon to and from his college it would not only give me something to do but he would travel on my bus right to the end of my shift when I could take him home. The bus company has said that I could do that route any time I wanted it. Being retired maybe it is something I could consider at only 4 hours a day. I have had all my licences for over 40 years but don't use them.

"My son has mild cerebral palsy and mild Autism. However, he can do most things."

I do wish you'd mentioned this in your first post, some of my response would have been very different if you had. In particular, on it taking him an hour to walk home. I said "It's good exercise, and an hour less spent in front of a TV. If his bag's heavy, it'll build up some muscle. Not seeing a problem here!" Cerebral Palsy can affect the joints, so carrying a heavy bag for an hour could cause excessive wear on e.g. his hip and knee cartilage, so I absolutely withdraw my comment on that. I stand by the rest of my post.

Good luck @HuggyBears
You sound like you're now realising your son's conditions mean he needs different parenting and support.
I imagine your son struggles with everyday tasks that you or his brother wouldn't think twice about.
I really hope you can support your son to find direction, contentment and happiness.

My autistic and CB son has had his final exams in year 13. We discussed what he would like to do after finishing school, He said that he would like to go to university and take Social Science which , among other things encompass history. He received just enough credits to get into University. I applied for him and his application was accepted. He doesn't want to go to the same city as his twin brother so he is going to another city to study. The course is not available here. The school had an awards afternoon and both my sons got an award One got NCEA Level 3 Diligence in Materials Technology while the other got NCEA Level 3 Computer Studies, Highly Commended. . That was a proud moment. Following that the boys walked down the school path leading to the carpark with students from years 5 up to year 12 lined both sides. The children gave gifts and flowers to the year 13 students being their final year. It was something not to be missed. I never mentioned this but my Autistic son went to a horse riding school for the disabled where he received a cup and red ribbon coming first in one of their events. He put both in a prominent place on the shelf in his room. He also loves lego. I bought him the titanic with well over a thousand pieces and he put that together with the help of his brother and a friend.. I Have applied for a student loan for him and extra assistance due to his disability. Despite the other things I have mentioned previously i am very proud of both my sons as is his mother.