Unhappy with teens

[TeaWithPaddington]

Hi,

I am feeling extremely unhappy in my life and, quite frankly, it is no way to live. I'm not sure if my problem stems from my childhood or whether it is because my marriage was sexless/lacked love. But, also, both of my teens are causing me issues and I feel like a doormat.

I have an 18 year old son and a 14 year old daughter. I ended my marriage, after 23 years, in 2020 due to us being on different planets and not having any connection (other than the children). I was lonely. Nothing could be changed and, upon entering the menopause years, I became aware of other men and started to realise that I was missing something and that 'something' was quite significant. I was also not attracted to him (age gap) and this led to no intimacy, affection or sex in the relationship for many years. Well over 10! We lived like brother and sister - I guess I'd accepted it but also felt trapped due to lack of family support.

We had no grandparents to help us with the children when they were growing up (all RIP) and no family support at all, really. It was tough as I had to raise the children and hold up my career in healthcare (something I'd worked hard for since being a teen myself). My father and mother divorced when I was 8 and my father disappeared from my life from around 10 as, when I did visit, he'd leave me outside the local pub with a lemonade and a packet of crisps while he went inside with his friends. I got fed up, obviously, and said to my mum that I didn't want to go again. He didn't make any effort to stay in touch and he died when I was 23 (so I heard). My mother was an older mum (40 when she had me) but had been a heavy smoker and developed many health problems so I was looking after her a lot as a young teen. We didn't have much money as she was on social security payments so I never really went anywhere apart from my home town or the next town to visit my grandmother. I remember being left at school when my friends went off to France on a trip. I was bored a lot. I remember my friends parents taking me camping at the Lake District because they felt sorry for me. My mother was difficult as I was growing up. Constantly at the doctors with one 'ailment' after another and she even ended up in a psychiatric hospital when she went crazy when a GP struck her off of his list for being a time waster. Anyway, all of this made me driven in carving out a career. I wanted to lift myself out of this existence and better my prospects. I have done so with a lot of hard work and determination. I was lucky to get free university tuition which I took advantage of. I was desperate to improve my life. I met my husband on my sandwich year out and hadn't really had a boyfriend before. He is over a decade older. Looking back, this was a mistake and I'm now starting to think maybe I was swept off of my feet as he took me places and got me away from my home life with my mother.

Anyway, my eldest child has always been a bit difficult to deal with. Very highly strung as a toddler and I was constantly walking on eggshells. Hardly slept and it was tough in the first few years. He is a bright boy, however, and very switched on. He got mostly 9's in his GCSE's and he has just sat his A-levels. He is, however, lazy with anything else. He gets good grades with no revision. He won't lift a finger to help me at all and wants me to do everything. Leaves the lights on. Leaves the toilet seat up. Goes to bed very late then I can't get him up in the mornings, or he is half asleep all day. He asks for a brew when the kettle is on and has never made me one. Ever. Even when I've asked nicely if I've been tired after work. Won't do anything around the house but I know teens are like this. Not all, I know (I was always helping my mum). What is bothering me is that, for a long time, he is patronising me a lot. He talks down at me like I'm stupid and beneath him: He often calls me stupid and is critical of everything I say - like I'm an idiot. If I say anything interesting or useful he will just reply with a sarcastic'really' like I have just spoken a load of rubbish. I have a 1st class science degree, a Masters and in management in my career. He has also thrown things at me before in temper (he has a bit of an addiction to his Xbox and has had for years) if I challenge him on anything. He really gave me a nasty bruise one day on my left boob after throwing something hard at me in temper. His dad witnessed this (as we were together at the time) and did nothing. He just stood there! The trauma caused me to develop a breast abscess a week later and I ended up in A&E. I was put on antibiotics for a week and it went away (they were going to drain it if it hadn't). I didn't tell my son or husband about this and they still don't know. Im deeply hurt inside over this and other things. My son has conditional offers at a few universities to study civil engineering but he seems to have gone off that idea and now wants to join the armed forces and work in the pilot/aircraft area. He would probably be good at this due to gaming, maths etc. but I can just see him now begging to come home (because he can't stand the discipline). I've always had to do a lot for him. He will not tolerate being told what to do so I know what will happen there!
My son spends most days at his dad's thank goodness (I know that sounds awful but my life was intolerable sometimes).
My daughter, 14, lives with me (100% of the time) and is spending most days in her room. She was always a lovely girl and is now the opposite. She doesn't speak to me - at all. She is also showing signs of looking down her nose at me. Both kids often call me by my first name and lack respect. She is very sullen around me. I offer to take her places but she says no. I rush home from work to do her tea but she spends the entire evening in her room. Never communicates with me but is smiling away at someone she is chatting to on her phone (that I pay for). Weekends are the same unless it involves me taking her shopping and buying her clothes. I am crying at night feeling lonely. I am in a demanding job and am line manager to 25 staff so constantly deal with daily moans and groans as well as keeping users of the service happy and the department running. To come home to an empty house (even though she is upstairs) is soul destroying but I do not regret ending my marriage. It wasn't a marriage. I feel so isolated and lonely. No family for me to confide in.

I save up for those kids and do without myself. Even though I am well paid, most of my money goes on the house and them so I feel like I am working for the privilege of others (my stbx didn't progress in his career and stayed in a lower paid job). Plus, spending my days off cleaning after their mess and my daughter is Queen Messy!!! She is lazy around the house too!

I, currently, have both kids on holiday (long haul) and I'm not enjoying it one bit! Constant patronising from the eldest (and he gets angry if I have a go at him and he says it's my fault as there is 'something wrong with me') and the youngest has her face in her phone all day and doesn't say a word to me. I've done everything for those kids! Worked hard to provide for them. This holiday has cost close to £8k (money I have saved) but they just don't seem to appreciate what I do for them!!
Both kids don't socialise outside of school much (very rarely).

How do I deal with this? I am fed
up of being like this. Lonely. Trapped. I feel
I have missed out big time on a loving relationship and the people in my life who should shower me with love - my children - don't and I feel hatred is often directed at me. I am so unhappy in life. Dealing with stress all day and coming home to stress and upset too. There is just no love in my life at all. I am 5 years post menopausal and that has been tough too (especially with hormonal kids) and I'm not on HRT - I'm over the worst of it now.

How should I deal with this?

Ok time to stop being a doormat!
Your ds is 18, time for him to leave home, he needs to make up his mind sharpish, is it Uni or armed forces, either way time to get going. Let him make his own mistakes that’s what being an adult is about.
Meantime, stop doing his laundry/ cooking and stop spending money on him. Tell him you are stopping all of that until he learns some respect. No drama no shouting just a calm short explanation. Then walk away and ignore his reaction.

Your dd, let her see you make your stand with her brother. Then calmly inform her that she needs to watch how she speaks to you or the same may happen.
As to spending all her time in her room / on her phone, well it’s typical teenage behaviour to a large extent. Don’t depend on her for company. Get yourself a hobby, join an exercise class/ gym and start going in the evenings or weekends. It’s good for alleviating stress, I do swimming and Pilates. You could also join a running or walking group.
I was NHS for years (and Dh still is), it’s bloody stressful!

Exactly what @MissyB1 said! It’s tough love time, they need to get in line and you need to enjoy your life x

Il don’t know the answer but you gave my sympathies. On holiday with mine & they are sulky, moody, tearful, hostile… it verges on bullying me. I can’t ask or recommend anything for being told that I am “telling them off”. I’m reading your answers with interest.

I see the poster above has suggested toughening up a bit & that has helped me. If mine moan, I’ve told them they can research x or y & handed over the controls.

I have a good relationship with my ex but I think he might reinforce it cos he doesn’t pull them up on things. They’ve just been on the most blissful hol with him, of course. Next time (If there is one), I’m going first. Also, I’m only doing a week. It’s dragging on.

Sorry to take over your post, but you struck a chord! I’m finding my online friends to be vv helpful in feeling less isolated.

What are you doing for you? You need to find an outlet that doesn't involve the young adult in your home, they are treating you like this because they can and given the opportunity, they will take advantage of you. You need to stand up and say enough!

I think the way you treat them is partly bringing this upon yourself. They are complacent and know no matter how they treat you they will get away with it.
Time to show them that's not the case even if you feel differently inside, it's time to make them step up. If you feel bad, know you are helping them become useful adults

Just re-read your post. There are 2 parts… holiday and home. I’m ok at home but we 3 have social lives which do not depend on each other too much. That hurts when I see my friends doing a lot of family things, but I’ve had to accept we’re not that kind of family.

Holiday: mine cost an arm & a leg too! I researched it v carefully, listening to their desirables. They’ve said thank you a few times but it doesn’t help with the sulking. Something I’m finding helpful is not to mention the expense too much, and to ask them for suggestions of what to do, but with conditions - “if we go to x restaurant, I suggest we don’t use mobiles at the table“.

I’ve had to pretend mine are tantrumming toddlers all over again. Remember that old advice from when they were 2? Pick your battles, expect them to react as they know you will forgive them, be patient, ignore a lot of it…

You have my huge sympathies. I cried yesterday & looked up alternative flights home. It’s 2 against 1 most days, although occasionally 1 will see that the other is being unreasonable.

Lastly, I ask myself why am
i even doing this? I feel like I will never come on holiday with them again. It’s not worth it. Better a long weekend somewhere than 2 weeks in the sun. It’s so overrated. Society tells us we should have these “summer holidays” but I don’t think they are essential, and my kids have the chance to travel in other ways & to do a conventional holiday with their dad. I actually resent the money, time & effort. Nobody is any happier for doing it.

A lot of this sounds familiar. I am on hols with my 3 (18,16 and 15). For the first 2 or 3 days I wanted to leave. They were so rude and/or aggressive, sulky, withdrawn.
It's hard to not take the barbs personally. But I decided to try to rise above it and find some enjoyment in the activities. I am often 'wrong', very often 'stupid'. And my youngest is a DD too and her 'breaking away' from me has been the hardest as we were always so close and she is the last one.... they have settled in to the holiday more now and are much nicer to be around!
You need to start prioritising you. Find some hobbies or clubs and leave them to it. Unfortunately you cannot expect your children to provide the love and affection you crave, not at this age. Of course they love you but not in the way you need. And as for appreciation of your work, sacrifice, intelligence etc. Again they won't provide this. They don't 'see' it or appreciate it. They will when they are older, probably when they have their own kids, which is what made me realise my own mothers sacrifices (I see your childhood was different).
They cannot and ahouldnt be your replacement relationship and are probably picking up on this which in turn makes them.more hostile.
They are naturally breaking away from you which is as it should be. It hurts and is hard to deal with and I sympathise.
As for your DS physical abuse cannot be tolerated and he needs to know that. Now he's finished school make a rota of who makes dinner which day and leave them to it. Have a 'family meeting' (which will make then heave) and lay out some ground rules. All eating together with no phones. How about family Sundays taking it in turns to pick an activity you all do (that worked for us).

You have my deepest sympathy op as a parent of two teens, it’s very hard going at times.

I have cried too, it’s the clear eyed ruthlessness that gets to me.

Can I also break it down. In my view you have 3 problems;:

1. Loneliness and lack of support
2. Ungrateful rude teens that do not respect you
3. Emotional baggage - moaning being dumped on you at work and home

The issues need addressing individually

1. With kindness you need to stop looking to your kids for company, support and a warm welcome home/chats/fun holidays. At their age they are branching out, moving on and are not there as company for you.
   Now is the perfect time to leave them to it. Make new friends, pick up with old friends, start going out after work/dating rather than coming home to sit by yourself feeling lonely and resentful. Start some hobbies. Stop wasting money on expensive holidays the dc don’t appreciate. Instead go away on a painting holiday or spa break in Florence and actually have a proper break on your own/with a group or a friend. Strangely I think your children will value your time and attention if you are not constantly available to them. Start putting yourself first now, you have forgotten how to take care of you, and they are old enough to take care of themselves

2. Until the jobs and chores are done in our home - the WiFi remains off. When everything is done, and everyone stacks the dishwasher, cleans the surfaces, puts a wash on etc then WiFi is turned on. Take control - you are paying for all of this. WiFi, phones etc are privileges not a human right. I would also make it clear you expect phones to be left on the side, and some civil engagement at dinner. My 14 yr old has restricted screen time still, so set boundaries. You are in charge. I would be get tough with your 18 yr old, unless he can be respectful then he can live elsewhere (with his father) and mean it. No one should be abusing you in your own home op.

3. Stop listening to other peoples baggage. Nod, smile and ask them if they have considered seeing GP/ counsellor or what changes they intend to make. You are not a dumping station.
   from now on: ‘ That sounds difficult, what are you planning to do/ what’s your next step/‘ or just keep it to ‘that sounds difficult’ and crack on with your own day. It’s not your problem op. Boundaries around your time and emotional headspace are needed at work too.

You sound like a lovely Mum, you have done an outstanding job managing and raising your dc, but now it’s time to put yourself first. Instead of trying to engage with your teens on this break - make a solid plan for the future with your time off, do your own thing - make this holiday a turning point. Have a cocktail - meet a dashing man - start having fun. Your work is largely done with the dc, especially the older child - time for you now op🍹💐

Op well done, you are amazing with all that you've achieved in life with such a difficult start. Teenagers can be vile and yours sound like they are pretty spoilt. It's a very hard balance, wanting to give our kids better than we had but then they never fully appreciate just how lucky they are. Your teens do however sound quite normal, if a little immature. The 18yo in particular. It sounds like he could really do with going off to university or the forces. It would make him stand on his own two feet a little bit and do some growing up. You should pull him up on his criticism and inconsiderate behaviour though and remind him that he is an adult and should start behaving like one. Definitely stop doing everything for him. Tell him to get a job. With your daughter there's still time to forge a better relationship. She needs some reminders that if she is rude, doesn't do chores etc she will lost privileges like her phone. Good luck op.

There are loads of threads about ingrate teens on holiday at the minute.

Unfortunately they were never going to be grateful for the trip, and it was unrealistic to expect them to offer jolly companionship.

Definitely wouldn't be taking the 18 year old away again.

For this holiday leave them to their devices and do what you want to do solo. One advantage of having the 18 year old there is that he can babysit the 14 year old.

I haven’t read your whole post, but what I did pick up on was your kids being ungrateful. This is something I’ve struggled with, and one of mine always says that they didn’t ask to be born, but that’s not how mine were brought up.
There appears to be a lot in SM about distancing yourself from family if you don’t like them, and I honestly think it’s allowing them to become self absorbed.
My kids are older than yours, and the lack of any care, consideration or thought towards me is staggering. I look back at how myself and my parents were with their parents, and the change is unbelievable. There’s no thought or concern, not even the occasional text yet they are glued to their phones constantly. I know some will come in and say it must be me and how I brought them up, but I disagree.
‘Anyhow, I’ve decided not to continue contacting them as they will Prozac use me if harassment. So I’ve decided to get on with my own life, and they know where I am if they need me.
Time to focus on you.

Reply to TeawithPaddington

Hi,

I think you are a remarkable person.

Firstly, coming out of a long-term relationship is always hard. Very very hard.

Secondly, juggling a demanding career and a family is also not easy at all. And from what you have written, I can see how dedicated you are to your children.

We all want to be loved, that is why we exist ...and not receiving anything in return - is devastating.

I have had a very similar experience in my life, in terms of a very difficult childhood and a sort of running away with the first person that came my way, only to end up in divorce years later.

However, what I can tell you from my experience on this topic and I am sorry it might sound a bit harsh,... the truth is that no one will love us until we learn to love ourselves first and foremost.

What does that mean?

To me, it only means that I respect myself and I treat myself with the kindness that I deserve. I think your dad's disappearance and neglect... has left so many scars and wounds... I know...

Secondly, your children ... do not worry about them...they have lived in 'bread and butter' and have not had a real-life experience so may not have an appreciation for life's difficulties. You are the strong woman today because of the pain you saw and experienced. It gave you that determination to succeed. They had no such experience and that is why your son cannot wait to come back to comfort and ease. But that comfort and ease really do not allow him to grow up as men he needs to be.

You need to let them go and explore the world and then around when they are in their 30 or even 40 - they will come back to you and then you will see - their love for you. Now they live in their self-centered world where it is only about them and them alone. Kids rarely really appreciate their parents until when they become parents themselves. They will change you will see. Give them time.

Thirdly, as we have an inner desire to love or to give naturally as mothers, I don't know ...but what helped me was, doing and going to places where that love and kindness were needed and appreciated. Volunteering, helping out the elderly, animal rescue centers...there are so many places where they need people like you.

Lastly, when we shift our focus from ourselves to others, we become happier and we feel good.

Try it out and you will see that life is so amazing and full of love and opportunities all around you!

All the best!

Christ! My similar aged ds's have been most unpleasant for the last 6 months so I understand. I am concerned that my Dh's relationship with them is rapidly deteriorating because they are rude and obnoxious to him.

I do suggest you forewarn them both that you want to have a serious chat. Then sit them both down and say something like irrespective of what's happened before this relationship needs to change and you wont tolerate this anymore.

Can your son officially move to his father's will probably benefit him in terms of student loans too if your ex is on a lower income. I would also make sure that he takes responsibility for things such as his own washing, making his lunch etc. In fact I would suggest that your dd starts doing her laundry too other than washing her school uniform. Start to build your own social life. She doesn't need you there every evening / weekend. Once she starts to see you as a person rather than a cleaner and provider of money then things might improve a little.

Actually I've just read your OP. This jumped out at me:

I have missed out big time on a loving relationship and the people in my life who should shower me with love - my children don't.

Now your DS definitely sounds tricky, but your DD sounds like a totally normal teen. I think your wants are not realistic if you expect teenagers to "shower you with love" . I'd focus instead on getting them to show basic respect and politeness and then look to build your social life in other directions.

Sounds like you are still adjusting to being single.
Your kids are separating from you too and hard as this sounds, you can't look to them now for companionship.
Joining the armed forces might be brilliant for your son the discipline framework is very different to your Mum telling you what to do. He might surprise you.
DD 14 sounds like a very normal teenager.
You can and should set boundaries and rules though and courtesy to everyone is not negotiable in my house.
Maybe you do need to assert yourself a bit more at home and stop rushing home to make tea for example. Why don't they make dinner some nights when you have been working? Give them more responsibility and they may gain an understanding of what you do for them a bit more.

i agree with others, stop the £8k family holidays. Imagine what an amazing trip or trips you could do by yourself with that budget! Book a group holiday or activity next time. Something you might enjoy and you don’t need to go in school holidays either. Bliss!
And yes to the son deciding what he wants to do. He has to be either in education, training or a job by September. Non negotiable. And if a job, paying rent and helping with chores. It’ll set a good example to your dd too to see you being firm with your ds.
I line manage at work too and I use to try and fix everyone’s problems. Now I sympathetic and make the right noises and refer on if applicable but otherwise I forget about it immediately and I don’t burden myself with it.

Can you cut short your holiday?
If so I would do that.
Tell them you have changed your flight & you are leaving tomorrow
They can make their way home under their own steam
Your son is 18 & far from stupid, he can accompany your dd.
Tell them they are ungrateful agressive, poor thankless company, & you are leaving.
Tell them you are no longer providing maid service./ or their punching ball
Your son can slip off & live under a rock, he is no longer sponging iff you, he needs to make a decision & get a job as the free ride ends today
Your dd can start to buck up, this starts with getting a paper round to pay for her phone. As you wont be paying for it
You will not be doing their laundry or clearing up their shit heap
Things left around will be put in bin bags in the garage
Meals will be done by rota, ditto washing up.
Make plans for your evenings, a club, a swim, dont rush home.
Take care if yourself.

I wouldn’t cut short the holiday, but I’d vow not to do it again.

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies - I'm sat with tears streaming down my face reading them (in a good way). I know that the probable root is me wanting to provide my children with a better start in life than I had and with more experiences. They have certainly had that! However, what I didn't bank on, was that they wouldn't appreciate what I've done to get them these things. It's like they believe they were handed over on a plate!

We are in Canada, on the west side, so can't really come home early and I certainly can't allow them to travel back to the UK alone. We've stayed in 3 areas and currently have a beautiful 3 bedroomed condo so they each have a room (this is more for me as I just can't bear to stay in the same hotel room with them anymore) - I need space these days (so do they). We arrived at this one today and the youngest immediately went to the master room (with en-suite) and declared it her room. The eldest has taken the double room. This would mean I'd be left with the small single room. I said no. I lectured her on who had paid for the holiday and that I deserved a treat. She immediately went into the single room, locked the door and she hasn't come out. No tea or anything so the eldest and myself went out for a bit (to eat) and left her to it. We called in at a supermarket and bought her a few bits in case she gets hungry. She is still in the room as I type. She has no concept that I have worked hard to pay for all of the nice things she gets. She is glued to her phone, of course.

The eldest has been helping me navigate the roads and driving (even though he's only just passes his driving test at home) so he has been helpful with that but I've still had frequent 'attacks' and hurtful things said in a very patronising way. He does seem to know that his sister is difficult but he can't see that he is too!

I travelled a lot before children (USA and Canada a lot) so I sacrificed all of that when they came along as I went part time for 12 years and just couldn't afford it, nor would I have taken young children that far anyway. I really thought now was the time to do it. They were teens with more maturity and could handle it all. They were great on the flight btw. They are just so both unaware of my existence as a human being (one who has needs) and that they're both cut free form the umbilical cord. It drives me mad that I am treated with little respect and that they both follow me around like sheep all the time. Neither of them have an active social life. The eldest is getting better at this and is, actually, going to Tenerife with his friends a few days after we return from Canada. They are also both going to France with their dad at the end of August - I have booked this week off to have some time for me!!! This is the reason the eldest hasn't progressed with applying for the services etc. as he thinks he has a right to these holidays after his exams (that he didn't revise for much). His Tenerife holiday (and driving lessons and a car) came from an endowment that matured on his 18th (that I had paid for since he was born) so he just doesn't get where all this money has come from.

I was thinking today that I regret bringing them so far. They don't appreciate it. I was desperate to come though as it's been 20 years since I went across the pond. And, I work hard so deserved it!!! I just wish I could've come without them!!

I have made a decision though. No more long haul holidays for them at my expense. I will go by myself in another couple of years if needs be (unless I meet a nice, sexy, guy). I will take them to Europe for a week instead and no longer than a week!

I'm also going to push the eldest to send his application in to the Air Force or make his mind up about university. His A-level results are out on 18th August and I don't want him swanning around with no plan of what he will do in September. He needs a kick!

The youngest - phone will be cut. I'm sick of her ignoring me and acting like I don't exist. As for her fancy ideas of going to the Maldives, and buying a Tesla, I will tell her she will have to work hard for those things in her life (but they won't come from me).

I will definitely sort out some time for me and let them get on with it. I need to stop feeling guilty about that!

I'm really hoping things change!!!!

The eldest hasn't been driving here btw! He's just been helping me navigate and has been, surprisingly, useful with working out the rules over here.

I might actually take them where I used to go for my summer holiday at their age...Scarborough!!!!

Well done OP, you can see now that you need to make a stand.
Teens can be incredibly self obsessed and they don’t tend to have the awareness to know that they should be grateful. They don’t picture a life where they could have been worse off.
Dh and I are going to be cracking down on our 13 year old’s phone use when we get home. We are travelling back from Greece today, this holiday has opened our eyes too about his phone addiction and entitled attitude!

I love Western Canada, I hope you're still managing to do some sightseeing despite the ingrates !

The room choice thing is so interesting. DS16 is a cheeky, entitled sod but I don't think even he would assume that he got prime room when there were adults about. Really your DS and DD should be taking turns between them to have the second best room, and you should automatically get the en suite. If you're staying anywhere else, I'd make that the ruke.

OP my kids are 21, 19 & 16 so I am dealing with the same age group and live in the USA.

Next summer holidays can you send your daughter to what in the USA is called Camp, where they live away from you at a single sex camp out in the booniis and share a cabin? It might be pricey but I think it could do the trick in helping her understand what you do for her . She would have to clean her cabin for inspection as well as have lots of fun and activities outside. You could split the cost with your ex.

I totally agree with no privileges (phones etc) without doing homework and chores first. In fact when my kids were her age there was a "no screens" rule on school nights. No phone or TV etc.

Tell your son whatever he chooses to do at18 he will be moving out and if it doesn't work out he can't move back in with you. You have raised him and he is now an adult. I also wouldn't pay for him to go to uni with that attitude, let him take on debt himself if he wants to get a degree. You need to focus on yourself and your future. He obviously can live with his dad if your ex let's him fall back on him.

14 yr old girls are obsessed with peers but I have never let my kids disrespect me and there would always be consequences of some kind. I totally understand that you had a deprived childhood and wanted to give them what you didn't have. You have done that, its time to change the focus on to yourself and your needs. Be the woman you want your dd to see you as. Go out and make friends and have fun, its not too late.

I was orphaned as a teen so I know how hard it is not to have family ever to turn to. But don't dwell on that. Start spending your hard earned money on yourself!!!