Hi,
I am feeling extremely unhappy in my life and, quite frankly, it is no way to live. I'm not sure if my problem stems from my childhood or whether it is because my marriage was sexless/lacked love. But, also, both of my teens are causing me issues and I feel like a doormat.
I have an 18 year old son and a 14 year old daughter. I ended my marriage, after 23 years, in 2020 due to us being on different planets and not having any connection (other than the children). I was lonely. Nothing could be changed and, upon entering the menopause years, I became aware of other men and started to realise that I was missing something and that 'something' was quite significant. I was also not attracted to him (age gap) and this led to no intimacy, affection or sex in the relationship for many years. Well over 10! We lived like brother and sister - I guess I'd accepted it but also felt trapped due to lack of family support.
We had no grandparents to help us with the children when they were growing up (all RIP) and no family support at all, really. It was tough as I had to raise the children and hold up my career in healthcare (something I'd worked hard for since being a teen myself). My father and mother divorced when I was 8 and my father disappeared from my life from around 10 as, when I did visit, he'd leave me outside the local pub with a lemonade and a packet of crisps while he went inside with his friends. I got fed up, obviously, and said to my mum that I didn't want to go again. He didn't make any effort to stay in touch and he died when I was 23 (so I heard). My mother was an older mum (40 when she had me) but had been a heavy smoker and developed many health problems so I was looking after her a lot as a young teen. We didn't have much money as she was on social security payments so I never really went anywhere apart from my home town or the next town to visit my grandmother. I remember being left at school when my friends went off to France on a trip. I was bored a lot. I remember my friends parents taking me camping at the Lake District because they felt sorry for me. My mother was difficult as I was growing up. Constantly at the doctors with one 'ailment' after another and she even ended up in a psychiatric hospital when she went crazy when a GP struck her off of his list for being a time waster. Anyway, all of this made me driven in carving out a career. I wanted to lift myself out of this existence and better my prospects. I have done so with a lot of hard work and determination. I was lucky to get free university tuition which I took advantage of. I was desperate to improve my life. I met my husband on my sandwich year out and hadn't really had a boyfriend before. He is over a decade older. Looking back, this was a mistake and I'm now starting to think maybe I was swept off of my feet as he took me places and got me away from my home life with my mother.
Anyway, my eldest child has always been a bit difficult to deal with. Very highly strung as a toddler and I was constantly walking on eggshells. Hardly slept and it was tough in the first few years. He is a bright boy, however, and very switched on. He got mostly 9's in his GCSE's and he has just sat his A-levels. He is, however, lazy with anything else. He gets good grades with no revision. He won't lift a finger to help me at all and wants me to do everything. Leaves the lights on. Leaves the toilet seat up. Goes to bed very late then I can't get him up in the mornings, or he is half asleep all day. He asks for a brew when the kettle is on and has never made me one. Ever. Even when I've asked nicely if I've been tired after work. Won't do anything around the house but I know teens are like this. Not all, I know (I was always helping my mum). What is bothering me is that, for a long time, he is patronising me a lot. He talks down at me like I'm stupid and beneath him: He often calls me stupid and is critical of everything I say - like I'm an idiot. If I say anything interesting or useful he will just reply with a sarcastic'really' like I have just spoken a load of rubbish. I have a 1st class science degree, a Masters and in management in my career. He has also thrown things at me before in temper (he has a bit of an addiction to his Xbox and has had for years) if I challenge him on anything. He really gave me a nasty bruise one day on my left boob after throwing something hard at me in temper. His dad witnessed this (as we were together at the time) and did nothing. He just stood there! The trauma caused me to develop a breast abscess a week later and I ended up in A&E. I was put on antibiotics for a week and it went away (they were going to drain it if it hadn't). I didn't tell my son or husband about this and they still don't know. Im deeply hurt inside over this and other things. My son has conditional offers at a few universities to study civil engineering but he seems to have gone off that idea and now wants to join the armed forces and work in the pilot/aircraft area. He would probably be good at this due to gaming, maths etc. but I can just see him now begging to come home (because he can't stand the discipline). I've always had to do a lot for him. He will not tolerate being told what to do so I know what will happen there!
My son spends most days at his dad's thank goodness (I know that sounds awful but my life was intolerable sometimes).
My daughter, 14, lives with me (100% of the time) and is spending most days in her room. She was always a lovely girl and is now the opposite. She doesn't speak to me - at all. She is also showing signs of looking down her nose at me. Both kids often call me by my first name and lack respect. She is very sullen around me. I offer to take her places but she says no. I rush home from work to do her tea but she spends the entire evening in her room. Never communicates with me but is smiling away at someone she is chatting to on her phone (that I pay for). Weekends are the same unless it involves me taking her shopping and buying her clothes. I am crying at night feeling lonely. I am in a demanding job and am line manager to 25 staff so constantly deal with daily moans and groans as well as keeping users of the service happy and the department running. To come home to an empty house (even though she is upstairs) is soul destroying but I do not regret ending my marriage. It wasn't a marriage. I feel so isolated and lonely. No family for me to confide in.
I save up for those kids and do without myself. Even though I am well paid, most of my money goes on the house and them so I feel like I am working for the privilege of others (my stbx didn't progress in his career and stayed in a lower paid job). Plus, spending my days off cleaning after their mess and my daughter is Queen Messy!!! She is lazy around the house too!
I, currently, have both kids on holiday (long haul) and I'm not enjoying it one bit! Constant patronising from the eldest (and he gets angry if I have a go at him and he says it's my fault as there is 'something wrong with me') and the youngest has her face in her phone all day and doesn't say a word to me. I've done everything for those kids! Worked hard to provide for them. This holiday has cost close to £8k (money I have saved) but they just don't seem to appreciate what I do for them!!
Both kids don't socialise outside of school much (very rarely).
How do I deal with this? I am fed
up of being like this. Lonely. Trapped. I feel
I have missed out big time on a loving relationship and the people in my life who should shower me with love - my children - don't and I feel hatred is often directed at me. I am so unhappy in life. Dealing with stress all day and coming home to stress and upset too. There is just no love in my life at all. I am 5 years post menopausal and that has been tough too (especially with hormonal kids) and I'm not on HRT - I'm over the worst of it now.
How should I deal with this?