Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

12yo DS friends. Is this normal?

58 replies

Strawberryrainbow · 20/07/2022 16:27

I'm looking for reassurance and/or tips on my 12 year old DS who is finishing Yr7.
Am I overthinking/worrying? I would really appreciate your views/experiences.

Here goes:

He knew no one when he started secondary. It appears (from what he tells me) that he has friends at school and has always loved going in. Never had an issue with him not wanting to go in and is very happy. Although I suspect he is quite shy and I've always had to push him to do things.

However having been there a year now, he has never ever invited any of his new friends over and or wanted to see them out of school. He prefers to see one of his primary school friends (who goes to a different school) that he feels comfortable with but even then it's a struggle to get him to go out.

I have asked him about seeing his friends over the summer and he has said no. He only wants to see his friend from primary.I don't understand it? He loves to sit in his room playing PlayStation and watching YouTube. Not socialising at all.

I spoke with another mum earlier this week and she was telling me her house is full of boys and girls coming and going and going off to town. I just can't see my son doing that and it hurts.

There doesn't appear to be anyone his age that lives near us and his school is the other side of town which I don't think helps.

Is anyone else's boys like this? Is this normal? I worry so much as I always wanted to be put at that age....

I worry it's going to be a long and lonely summer

Any advice and or experiences please? I'm such a worrier and need some reassurance

Thanks for reading

OP posts:

knackeredagain · 20/07/2022 16:29

Mine is but he has ASD. The question is, is he happy? Sometimes I think we get wrapped up in our own idea of what a social life looks like.

GoT1904 · 20/07/2022 16:32

I was just about to say mine too.. but he is also ASD. X

NancyJoan · 20/07/2022 16:34

Would he like to be at the same school as his primary mates?

Hihohihoitsofftoworkmaybe · 20/07/2022 16:35

Definitely sounds quite normal if my DS and a lot of friends' DS's are anything to go by. DS is in y9 and has started to see more people out of school now but didn't really at all in y7 ( not helped by Covid..).
If he's happy to go into school and has friends when he's there I think that's fine. Good to have people to hang out with at lunch, break etc.
y7 is still quite young and some DCs may not be allowed much freedom at weekends, holidays etc. it will change as they get older I'm sure.

redskyatnight · 20/07/2022 16:37

At that age DS stuck mostly to his local/primary school friends in holidays/weekends. It was probably a year or so later that he got more into the habit of making arrangements with school friends - it is a big jump to moving from primary school and having a parent set up playdates to suddenly organising it all yourself. And you not living near anyone else will not help this!

But you should bear in mind that a lot of "socialising" might be done by social media. Is he playing Playstation online? He might be doing a lot of chatting with friends there.

Hihohihoitsofftoworkmaybe · 20/07/2022 16:37

Just to add that some of us primary school mums did micromanage them meeting up a bit once they were all at separate secondary schools as otherwise none of them would have left the house...

DotDotaDash · 20/07/2022 16:37

Mine is exactly like that except didn’t have a close friend at primary so isn’t socialising with peers at all.

He is happy at school y7 also and seems to be popular there.

Im taking the opportunity to do things with him as I suspect it will change in the coming years.

The bigger problem here being how much gaming time is too much!

TwoBlueFish · 20/07/2022 16:38

No ASD here but pretty much the same, and he’s still like that at 17. He chats to school friends online, but is quite a homeboy he can’t be arsed to go out (his words)! I was pretty similar as well at his age so I’m not worried.

moofolk · 20/07/2022 16:38

Sounds familiar to me.

Including the worrying about it.

So we can both be a bit relieved!

DaisyWaldron · 20/07/2022 16:39

Mine has a friend who calls here to meet him and they walk to school together, collecting a third friend further along the route. They will often play in the park next to the school immediately after school. He has a D&D game at a different friend's house once a week. Sometimes his friends will meet up to go out at weekends or after school, but not all that often - they often just chat on discord.

Kanaloa · 20/07/2022 16:42

My son isn’t like this at all but my daughter I imagine will be at that age. She likes her friends at school and ballet but I think she just enjoys having time at home to herself. I try to think of it like me - I couldn’t be bothered going out every single weekend. Some weekends I just like to chill in the house. Kids have busy full on lives at school, maybe he just likes to relax of a weekend. But if he’s upset or lonely it’s obviously a bit different.

Watchthesunrise · 20/07/2022 16:45

If you restrict screen time to the recommended one or two hours a day what happens?

SparklingLime · 20/07/2022 16:49

Don’t “push” him to socialise, it is likely to make him feel inadequate.

Tayegete · 20/07/2022 16:50

. DS (12) always talks about new friends at school but only meets up with 2-3 local friends from primary school- they go to the park together and then go to each other’s houses. A lot of friends have said theirs don’t even do that. I think gaming and social media meets a lots of their social needs.

Summerof22 · 20/07/2022 16:54

I wonder if socialising outside school might be easier for girls.

my daugher meets up with friends and they like going to different shops and look at clothes/make up.

then they go and sit at Starbucks for a while.

TheMoth · 20/07/2022 16:58

This is ds. He hasn't made a single new friend in secondary, sticking to his primary school friends- who have gone and made new friends.
He is spending his summer on xbox.

Dd is the opposite; she's younger, but never in.

I'm sad he hasn't made any friends, but also remember the first 2 summers of high school walking to the shop to buy sweets, then reading on my bed all summer. There were people I spoke to in school, but I didn't really want to spend any more time with them.

As an adult, I'm happily very well supplied with friends, whereas dh has very few. Maybe it's just him.

Original poster

Strawberryrainbow · 20/07/2022 17:00

It does appear that others seem to be like my son too from all your replies.

I always get a knot in my stomach when I see boys his age out and about together :(

I admit I'm a serious worrier: I haven't allowed him any social media at all (I hate it!) but not has he shown any interest in it.

Exactly that - I don't want to push him and make him feel inadequate but nor do I want him sitting in his room the whole holidays. :(

OP posts:

Oblomov22 · 20/07/2022 17:01

Complete opposite here. Once covid allowed they are all out all the time. Have you spoken to HoY?

TheMoth · 20/07/2022 17:01

And ds isn't reading Just 17 and lamenting the amazing social life and best friends he's missing out on. I'm also a little relieved he's not going wandering; there are some pretty horrible kids in certain places round here.

Original poster

Strawberryrainbow · 20/07/2022 17:03

@Oblomov22 no I haven't as I'm pretty certain he has friends within school. He is always very happy to go in and texts a few. I'm not worried about him in school...it's more out of school and actually wanting to socialise outside of the school setting/ invite mates over.

OP posts:

LactoseTheIntolerant · 20/07/2022 17:06

My Ds (now year 8 going into 9) is like this too. I used to worry but now I realise he's introverted, like me, he enjoys having time to himself when he's at home and that's OK. He seems to have plenty of friends at school and will often play with them online when he's at home but really isn't interested in inviting them over.

Pinkandgreentrousers · 20/07/2022 17:11

My 3 boys were exactly like that, they are now 16, 19 and 21 and they are still similar. They seem happy to be home birds. No ASD.

paisley256 · 20/07/2022 17:12

I have one that likes to be out and at the centre of everything and one home boy who loves being in and pottering and doing his own thing and has just 1 mate from primary he goes to and from school with.

If your son seems happy enough then I really wouldn't worry, they're all different.

ColouringPencils · 20/07/2022 17:13

This sounds a lot like my DD, who is older and I did worry about her but I know she has friends in school. She seems to find it hard to make the first move to see people out of school.

My year 7 DS is more sociable and sees friends after school at least once a week and at the weekend, although it is often friends from primary with just two new friends from secondary. I think the reason is that the primary friends all live near us so it's easy to meet them in our local park with no planning. His friends from secondary don't live so near, so it is all reliant on parents and getting lifts. I do actually think it is about convenience and not because he hasn't made proper friendships. I don't think it's a bad thing to have friends from out of school though.

Hihohihoitsofftoworkmaybe · 20/07/2022 17:15

I also worried about DS but don't anymore. He now meets up with a couple of friends occasionally to go to the cinema etc and he's definitely found more kids he gets on with in Y9.
I agree about the girl thing. DD did lots of meeting up for shopping and Starbucks in y7/y8 but now she's older she can't be bothered anymore and prefers to hang out at home! To be honest the super social kids often had to be reined in in y9/10 as they started to go off the rails a bit....
I have a few friends with older DSs who were never went out at weekends etc whilst at school and then became mega sociable at Uni.
If he's happy enough try not to worry!

Flip

1 2 3