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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

12yo DS friends. Is this normal?

58 replies

Strawberryrainbow · 20/07/2022 16:27

I'm looking for reassurance and/or tips on my 12 year old DS who is finishing Yr7.
Am I overthinking/worrying? I would really appreciate your views/experiences.

Here goes:

He knew no one when he started secondary. It appears (from what he tells me) that he has friends at school and has always loved going in. Never had an issue with him not wanting to go in and is very happy. Although I suspect he is quite shy and I've always had to push him to do things.

However having been there a year now, he has never ever invited any of his new friends over and or wanted to see them out of school. He prefers to see one of his primary school friends (who goes to a different school) that he feels comfortable with but even then it's a struggle to get him to go out.

I have asked him about seeing his friends over the summer and he has said no. He only wants to see his friend from primary.I don't understand it? He loves to sit in his room playing PlayStation and watching YouTube. Not socialising at all.

I spoke with another mum earlier this week and she was telling me her house is full of boys and girls coming and going and going off to town. I just can't see my son doing that and it hurts.

There doesn't appear to be anyone his age that lives near us and his school is the other side of town which I don't think helps.

Is anyone else's boys like this? Is this normal? I worry so much as I always wanted to be put at that age....

I worry it's going to be a long and lonely summer

Any advice and or experiences please? I'm such a worrier and need some reassurance

Thanks for reading

OP posts:

PeekAtYou · 20/07/2022 17:18

Is he playing PlayStation with friends or alone ? Playing PS with friends is a popular way to socialise if you're a teen boy ime.

does he know how to get to the other side of town? Is it too hot or is he cba to travel there? (I'm assuming a short bus ride away sort of thing)

bumblingbovine49 · 20/07/2022 17:20

Mine is like this but he too has ASD. He is 17 now and says he has friends at college and takes about his old friends from school sometimes but has never really gone out with any of them. The only exception was in year 7 for a while when they used to go to the park outside the school for a while as a group before coming home and he once went for a takeaway pizza after school with a group when a child was celebrating their birthday From year 8 onwards he stopped doing even that.

He has mentioned once or twice that his ' friends' were doing something after college and I get the impression he could go but he never ever wants to . He still talks about his friends though and I think he talks to a lot of them online on dischord. He has absolutely no other social media though

dragonflyglaze · 20/07/2022 17:23

My eldest DS was exactly like this. I found as he gor into Yrs 9 and 10 he started to want to do more socialising outside of school. They all matured a bit and wanted to spread their wings a bit more. I used to worry so much but he's 18 now with a large circle of friends, always out and about with them. I thought it would never happen but he got there when he was ready.
My youngest DS has just finished Yr 8 and is even more of a home body, he doesn't show much interest at all in meeting up with his friends outside of school. I'm more relaxed this time around because I'm confident he'll get there when he's ready.

dragonflyglaze · 20/07/2022 17:23

got

Wargghhhh · 20/07/2022 17:29

I posted something similar about my DS13, no ASD, I think he's just been unlucky with some friendships and he's not a sporty boy or into football or anything so he's on the periphery a lot.

Am hoping things will change as he gets a little older. I don't think the pandemic has helped either!

XSnoe · 20/07/2022 17:33

I'm female, I would have preferred staying in and playing my own games and reading and things. I used to make up excuses and lies to my friends for why I couldn't go to sleepovers or in to town. I like my own company most of the time, still do.

EspeciallyDeIighted · 20/07/2022 18:13

My two are 16 (DD) and 18 (DS) and still hardly go out with friends, maybe once every couple of weeks over the summer and it is always just with one other friend, either something planned (eg cinema) or just at one of them's house. No interest in hanging out going shopping etc, or partying, they are just introverts who are happy at home or school/clubs (they both do organised sports). Total opposite of me at that age.

knackeredagain · 20/07/2022 18:22

Well, my older DS is a social animal, a wanderer, a free spirit. He‘s 20 now but always has been. I joke that I have one who’s claustrophobic and one who’s agrophobic. I can assure you it’s no less of a worry when they disappear out at the drop of a hat.
Whatever they do, we worry….

jonathonjones · 20/07/2022 19:24

My yr7 is keener than yours to socialise but he hasn't brought any new friends home yet or gone out with them outside of school time. He's still hanging around with his primary school friends (who luckily for him go to his secondary). He's not one for going to meet friends and hang around on the park like some of his friends do.
But, I think as long as their happy, and you make sure they know that they can invite friends over should they want to, I wouldn't worry.

Original poster

Strawberryrainbow · 20/07/2022 19:35

Thank you so much for your advice/experiences. It definitely has put my mind at ease. Yeah my boy is not into sports at all. The poster who said yeah if they are out we would worry....your right I know I would too!!!

He seems happy but again it's just me...I hate the thought of him alone in his room whilst he I'm sure loves it!!!

OP posts:

TheMildManneredMilitant · 20/07/2022 19:46

Mine is like that too @Strawberryrainbow so finding this thread also quite therapeutic. I know what you mean about seeing others out and about too - it makes me sad even though it's not fair on him. He also hates sport and only wants to game - and not usually with others.

Pinklady245612 · 20/07/2022 19:59

My DS age 13 is very similar. I don't doubt he has friends as they all meet outside my house to walk to school together. He has been to the park after school with them a handful of times and been into town for special occasions a couple times (town carnival etc). However we are now 2 weeks into school hols and he hasn't seen anyone and probably wouldn't unless I pushed. We are going to the cinema on Friday and I offered to pay for a friend to come and said they could go see a different film to me and DD, but he didn't want to invite anyone. We never have friends here despite my offering.
I would at least encourage your DS to chat over games to keep conversation open with his friends. No advice on getting him out of the house, but you're not alone!

waterrat · 20/07/2022 20:20

I think it's normal but also would not let my quieter child just completely hide in room all summer.

Some towns still have youth clubs or activities for this age group I would.push a bit. I have one child with asd and I push her a bit ....sometimes it works out ! I do obviously respect her introvert time too but I think for children who struggle socially it doesn't always help to hide away.

ScarlettDarling · 20/07/2022 20:28

My son was exactly the same. He was always happy at school but literally never met up with friends over holidays or weekends. It was the only thing about him that ever caused me any worry...he’s always been kind, funny, caring and did brilliantly at school.
He’s 18 now and is away for a night in town with friends having just got back from a boys holiday in Tenerife. He’s got a fab part time job and is planning to go away to Uni at the end of the summer! He’s got a great circle of friends and has just grown into himself.
Try not to worry. My son was always quiet and shy. He also was really happy with the company of his family and able to entertain himself. He’s now confident and sociable (and still kind, funny, caring and doing great academically!)

orangetriangle · 20/07/2022 20:30

just leave them to do their thing we are all different

disconnecteddrifter · 20/07/2022 20:35

My younger son is the same. He does like people but they have other friends now. I spoke to my ex about it and he said our noy is a cool kid (he is) and maybe I'm projecting. My boy says he is an introvert and we did hsve a sleepover for his recent birthday and he had to go off and 'recharge his batteries'. However I do worry about it. But really trying to not show it.
My Other son has always been sociable but covid scuppered that for a while. Now he's always out in year 9 but worries about his friends, if they like him etc. It's really hard but I think if they are happy then we should let them be

Gardeningismythingwithawine · 20/07/2022 21:10

He sounds similar to my son. He’s shy and only had a few close friends. I feel sad when I see large groups of his ages from other primary schools. I’m always worrying he’ll not settle into high school. He needs a push from me to go out. Hopefully he’ll make lots of new friends at high school in August.

Sumlove · 20/07/2022 21:22

My DD is y7 and she talks to her best friend on facetime after school, they do their homework together. She does extracurricular dancing and swimming and has friends there, but aside from that she likes downtime at home. She will see some friends in the holidays but she's not out and about with them every week.

Hellhaven · 20/07/2022 21:24

Mine is like that and is autistic as others have already said

pizzaandgin · 20/07/2022 21:25

Yes sounds normal. My 12 yr was like that, also didn't know anyone at secondary.

I think it's only since Covid (when he's 14) he's always got friends over

TokyoTen · 20/07/2022 21:26

I have 2 DS, now 20. I could count on one hand the number of times they had friends round from school. I don't think it's anything to worry about.

Original poster

Strawberryrainbow · 20/07/2022 21:45

I'm really shocked at how many of you had said the same thing about your children mainly boys it seems. Your replies have definitely made me feel a little better so thank you. It's nice to know that it most probably normal for some boys and mine isint the only one! (Again my fear not at all his! Had never said he is lonely etc) 😖

OP posts:

BiscuitLover3678 · 20/07/2022 21:47

This was like me. I was shy and my friends at school did lots of family things and didn’t mix much outside of school. The internet and game playing can feel much more comforting.

he definitely needs screen time limited though! and make sure he’s getting out and about. Can he do any clubs?

BiscuitLover3678 · 20/07/2022 21:48

I wish I’d had a bit of help to socialise. I think I needed to join a youth club or something, even though the idea would have terrified me at the time.

Chattycathydoll · 20/07/2022 22:37

Sounds like me! I have a good group of friends and even now as an adult like to spend my free time alone. In fact it’s more precious now as I get so little of it, being a single mum!

DD on the other hand is the complete opposite and has been sociable since birth. She’s extremely popular and loves to be out with her friends or having them over. She’s also very chatty and makes noise constantly, whereas I enjoy quiet.

It was definitely a challenge in lockdown… but we’re just opposite ends of the introversion/extroversion spectrum. And sounds like you and your boy are too, but the other way round!

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