12yo DS friends. Is this normal?

[Strawberryrainbow]

I'm looking for reassurance and/or tips on my 12 year old DS who is finishing Yr7.
Am I overthinking/worrying? I would really appreciate your views/experiences.

Here goes:

He knew no one when he started secondary. It appears (from what he tells me) that he has friends at school and has always loved going in. Never had an issue with him not wanting to go in and is very happy. Although I suspect he is quite shy and I've always had to push him to do things.

However having been there a year now, he has never ever invited any of his new friends over and or wanted to see them out of school. He prefers to see one of his primary school friends (who goes to a different school) that he feels comfortable with but even then it's a struggle to get him to go out.

I have asked him about seeing his friends over the summer and he has said no. He only wants to see his friend from primary.I don't understand it? He loves to sit in his room playing PlayStation and watching YouTube. Not socialising at all.

I spoke with another mum earlier this week and she was telling me her house is full of boys and girls coming and going and going off to town. I just can't see my son doing that and it hurts.

There doesn't appear to be anyone his age that lives near us and his school is the other side of town which I don't think helps.

Is anyone else's boys like this? Is this normal? I worry so much as I always wanted to be put at that age....

I worry it's going to be a long and lonely summer

Any advice and or experiences please? I'm such a worrier and need some reassurance

Thanks for reading

You can hardly blame them really, cycling is a no no, people moan if they use the paths, roads are too dangerous, if they play football over the park the people walking dogs or those that have young kids comp!ain, shops are wary of kids this age, God forbid they try to hang out on the street they live, like we used to when we were that age, some nosy neighbour quick enough to come out and say something about their precious car. Outdoor leisure time seems to be very controlled as in groups parents need to pay for. Society on the whole isn't too welcoming so its not alot of fun. You only have to read the awful attitudes on here some have towards young males, its disgusting.

Nothing new to add, but there's a bit of a 'mostly boys' narrative that's developed over the thread, and as it's been so reassuring in many ways, I wanted to add that one of my DDs is much as described for any parents who might be thinking 'OK, so it's normal for boys, but what about my daughter'.

Three teens here, two of them like to be out and about or hanging out here with friends a fair bit (though both also enjoy chilling at home and prioritise it sometimes). Other DD has lots of friends, happy to go to school etc, but spends any free time that isn't taken up with organised activities (sport and dance) in her room. She's always busy - reads loads, binges TV series, does crafts - and seems happy with it. She was very sociable at primary school and enjoys seeing friends on the rare occasions she does it, but would never organise anything herself. As many people on her have said, I'm trying to live and let live and not worry about it - maybe it will change as she gets older (she's 14), maybe it won't.

I hope this thread has been helpful and reassuring for you , OP. It's definitely felt that way to me.

I think the mostly boys narrative is because there is less pressure on boys to have friends/ have a best friend etc. There's a kind of social currency for girls, in having and being with friends. Boys tend to mill about together, a bit like plankton and I think there's less societal pressure on boys to have physical friends (as opposed to online).

I think girls often belong to groups of girls, whether they want to or not, because society tells them they should. I desperately wanted friends at that age, but the ones I knocked about with in school (mainly for safety; an isolated student was an automatic victim) weren't really girls I had anything in common with. Like a pp, I drew,wrote, read. I didn't go out with the other kids in my street. Had gaming been like it is now, I'd have probably done that, and not read as much.

I always felt like there was some wrong with me like I wasn't a proper girl. Turns out all I actually needed, was to find some other scruffy buggers who were more into books than boys and makeup and drinking 20/20 outside the offy. But that takes time.

My daughter is 12 and has loads if friends, but all her closest friends are from outside school. She spends all her free time at a local livery yard (she rides competitively) and we constantly have friends over at our house or I have to drive them to various places, but none if them are from her secondary school. She appears to be popular at school, but doesn't want to hang out with them outside of school. She has been invited out by two girls from her year group at secondary (on separate occasions) but doesn't enjoy spending time with them outside of school. The only close-ish friend from secondary school she has is in year 10 (she's in year 7 - going into year 8) and he's a boy. That's the only person from her school she met up with this summer. Otherwise it's only with friends from her livery yard or her best friend from primary.

Thank you for all the responses. Has really out my mind at ease for sure, thank you

I wrote a very similar post to yours - lost all track of time, maybe start of this year? My son never wanted to go out or invite anyone over. I think it's something to do with the lockdowns at a critical age (mine is a year above yours), reservation at inviting new friends (what if they say no? What if they get bored?) and personality. I just didn't understand how he could be happy with so little interaction with friends as I was the opposite when I was that age.

Taking loads of great advice from the posters on my thread, I tried to focus on what I could control - family time. Although he resisted, I kept on planning family stuff to make sure he wasn't isolated and lonely. There's been a bit of a corner turned this spring/summer and he's gone out with friends a few times, got me to drop him at the skatepark. Could be just his age, just the process of a young teenager coming out of lockdowns, I've no idea. But I'd definitely recommend the advice I was given - focus on social family time.

DD is just finishing year 9 and rarely wants to see anyone. She is introverted & seems to enjoy being home.

DS has just finished year 7 & likes going out to see mates. He's always been more sociable. His primary school friends all went to a different secondary school so it took him 6 months to get a group of mates.

I think 12 is still young tbh & I don't think all kids are out & about. I do think they mostly organise things on Snapchat though so maybe you could allow him that but with strict settings? DD doesn't have Snapchat as she isn't interested but that's how all DS organising is done.

My ds is exactly the same. He's had 2 weeks of summer holiday already and met up with a small group of school friends once. He doesn't even have primary school friends that he sees any more as they have moved in and made new friends.
In school time he's quite often out after school but he just doesn't seem bothered in the holidays. He plays PlayStation and does things with us...it doesn't help that ds16 is a complete extrovert and out constantly which I think makes him, and us, feel like he should be out more. I was similar as a child though - I just read hundreds of books in the summer.