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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Absolutely awful year 8 feedback

63 replies

Remmy123 · 19/07/2022 10:10

Son is 13 and in Year 8 has been a horrible year. Calls home / detentions constantly

my husband had meeting with school and the feedback was :

worst report on the whole year
lots of complaints about my son (disruption)but they don't call all the time because it's too many calls!
he has been horrible to another boy which they are investigating and it may go on his record as bullying
calling another boy in changing room names constantly) fat etc ..
im waiting for his report but I've seen a couple of tests home and they are diabolical, name barely spelt correctly a total mess

son tells me how much he hates school but unable to tell me why specifically

they want him to have clean slate in year 9

I am devastated, I knew it was bad but not this bad.

i feel dissapointed and wondering where we have gone wrong.

he is at a good school and the teachers are lovely and genuinely trying to help him

he has given up foootbal and has no hobbies
he has become very anti-social
only thing he finds joy in is gaming - I think he is addicted

my husband has removed pc from room we have never done this before and we shouid have done it much earlier (it's the bloody summer holidays now)

i just do not know what to do, I want him to be a nice rounded nice boy and he isn't.

he doesn't seem to care about any of it - how can I make him care

Feeling really upset / deflated but I need a plan of action.

thanks

OP posts:
Mabelface · 19/07/2022 10:14

It sounds like he's really struggling here. Has his behaviour changed recently or has he always had some behavioral issues? It could be one of many things - he's not engaged in school because everything now feels punitive so doesn't see that things could change, he could have adhd, there may be friendship issues, he could be dyslexic. I'd be wanting to look at the why.

PeterPomegranate · 19/07/2022 10:17

I’m sorry xx

I don’t have advice but I worry our son in y7 is headed the same way. Certainly the low level disruption and no acknowledgement any of it is his own fault. And constant rudeness at home.

So I am following for helpful advice.

Charles11 · 19/07/2022 10:20

If you think gaming is the issue, then see this through. Do not give in to complaints about it and keep reassuring your dc that this isn't a punishment, its to help him as you want to do the best by him.
I've had to do this with my dc and the change is amazing.
Make sure he has things to do and spend time with him.
Teenagers really benefit from physical activity so try to get him in to something and get him otherwise active a few times a week. Swimming, tennis, park run, cycling, hiking (sounds more exciting than walking)
I bought my dc a camera and got him into photography for a while. It made walks more bearable for him.
Does he have any friends that he can get together with? I was laughing with a friend once as we were still arranging 'play dates' for our teens!
Not so much as play dates, but dropping them off to the cinema or the swimming pool or arranging a day out together with us.
Watch some tv together, get into a series with him.
Ask him to help with chores and cooking too. It all boosts self esteem.

Abra1d1 · 19/07/2022 10:22

Could he do a sports-based summer camp? New kids, lots of activity and fresh air? Or a creative one if that's his bag.

Just to reset him.

RudsyFarmer · 19/07/2022 10:24

I would have done the same thing. Him having a gaming console, phone etc is dependant on him getting his education and doing as he is told at school.

hsbe you ruled out issues such as ADHD?

Ouchlikeholly · 19/07/2022 10:24

Could there be an undiagnosed condition such as ADHD or dyslexia that's making it hard for him to do the work and that then leading to his behaviour? Maybe it would be worth talking to the SENDCO.

Original poster
Remmy123 · 19/07/2022 10:29

Thanks all - I am thinking of paying private to rule out adhd etc

I can't afford it but nhs the wait list will be really long

he has no interest in anything - he needs to find Somethjng other than gaming to give him joy

prinary school we were told he was always above average, he did used to call put alot in class

the behaviour has got worse and worse over the course of this year

i aM told there are no friendship issues / he has friends but he does seem to go off friends quite quickly

OP posts:
shiningstar2 · 19/07/2022 10:33

If he hasn't been in this type of trouble in the past, it could be excessive gaming that is causing this change of behaviour. I wouldn't go nuclear though in your efforts to wean him off a bit if he has become addicted.
The summer holidays is a good chance to aim for change. Sit him down calmly and explain how worried you are, why his behaviour needs to change and how you and DH plan to help him.
Try here needs to be times in the day when he can game and when he e can't. Personally I wouldn't allow t he e day to start with gaming. For example, in if you go for a walk with day in the morning you can game in the afternoon. BeTry to incorporate action in the mornings, cycling swimming walking with the deal being gaming in bethe afternoon. No need for him to get up early. Morning can be 10 or 11 o'clock providing there is some activity other than gaming to start the day. It's the holidays. Choose your battles.
Have a plan for the evenings. Eh. Family film, meal out. After that an hour's gaming before bed. Try to invite a friend around, not just for activities, pizza hangout but also for some of the gaming time. Gaming as a social activity is better than gaming alone.
Above all , discuss your plan of action with your DH before present it to your son. Make sure you're on the same page. 13 isn't too old to change gaming habits of his behaviour is fairly recent. Gaming is here to stay. How you manage it will be crucial. 💐

shiningstar2 · 19/07/2022 10:35

Excuse typos clumsy fingers 😁

coodawoodashooda · 19/07/2022 10:37

Have you tried a homeopath? I've had massive success with one.

alnawire · 19/07/2022 10:38

they want him to have clean slate in year 9

And what are they suggesting to help him going forward?

Justmemyselfandi999 · 19/07/2022 10:42

Wezley01

Original poster
Remmy123 · 19/07/2022 10:46

Thanks @shiningstar2 good advice

@coodawoodashooda pless can you tell me more?

@alnawire they are moving him to the other side of year group, so new teachers different friends - they will not be telling his new teachers history of the past year so it's a fresh start. That's it I think

OP posts:
alnawire · 19/07/2022 10:54

That's really strange for school not to share the information with his new teachers. They can't support a child who need help without knowing the background.

BeenThereBoughtTheTeeShirt · 19/07/2022 10:55

Well, he does get a fresh start September if the system is similar to ours.
All points reset to zero.
If he has equipment every day and hands in homework, it will stay that way...then there is his behaviour: he needs to shut up, not make planes, spitballs or mess with his things.
Ask the sendco/form tutor can he have a fidget spinner/rubix snake/fidget cube or p opper (one small item with permission) and potentially a toilet pass.
Make sure he has a private reading book, even if it is to do with gaming, and tell him to read while waiting and if finished.
Encourage him to join all the clubs the school has.I
T.ell him from September he has to earn his gadget time - after homework, chores and packing bag, then he has an hour: you will add 10 minutes for each good point he gets and remove five for each bad point.

BeenThereBoughtTheTeeShirt · 19/07/2022 11:00

He would possibly have had new teachers in any case but unless they are new to the school, it is likely that the teachers will know of him already. His reputation may have preceded him. It should not make a huge difference (teachers are aware of reverse halo effect so will make own judgements) as long as he hits the ground running. If others try to engage, he is to ignore, tell them he will be grounded or lose his gaming time.Year 9 is options year so imperative that he tries his best.

Unbored · 19/07/2022 11:01

The fact that he barely spells his name correctly on tests would really concern me. I would ask an Ed psych to assess to see if there are any underlying difficulties such as dyslexia or ADHD (which I don’t think they can diagnose but can tell see traits off and recommend further assessment). They also assess mental health status.

Original poster
Remmy123 · 19/07/2022 11:14

the not spelling name correctly is pure laziness .. not give a sh*t - he has already told me he doesn't care about his GCSE's

it's infuriating he is like a different child over this last year

OP posts:
Bessica1970 · 19/07/2022 11:16

Have you tried a homeopath? I've had massive success with one.

Homeopathy is bollocks - please don’t peddle this to OP who is obviously trying whatever she can!

BeenThereBoughtTheTeeShirt · 19/07/2022 11:25

I do feel for you. The problem is, as with many kids, when you yourself need down time and are trying to keep things on an even keel, screen time is a lifesaver. If I switch off the server, I punish myself too.
If I confiscate gadgets, it can escalate a situation through the roof. This is why I suggest he has access for an hour, irrespective of how day went, with additions/subtractions based on how many messages you get.
In the Summer holidays, in this heat, am on a hiding to nothing if I try to detox/disconnect but I do have a lockable box and I do insist on sleep being gadget-free.
Ask your son for a reward idea he can work towards. Make a Rota with him and agreed rules. I need to reset boundaries with mine too. You need to know when his tests are and insist he revises with you (old school!)

ShandaLear · 19/07/2022 11:33

How are things at home, OP? Any upheavals, unwanted changes in the last year? Has his friendship group changed? If he was previously a ‘good’ kid has something happened to make him unhappy? Because that could be the root of the anger/playing up/not caring.

Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden · 19/07/2022 11:49

Is he gaming at night? A lot of what you are describing could be sleep issues.

How easy is he to get up in the morning?

We had very similar with Dd, it was all related to sleep. On the phone hours into the night and then couldn't get up and was disruptive in school.

Would look into limiting pc/ xbox etc in bedroom and turning wifi off for his devices at night. We have a Google home set up where can switch off various devices at night and leave others on.

PeekAtYou · 19/07/2022 11:49

What are his friends like ? It's not unusual to see lower secondary school boys vaping and smoking weed.

(not an excuse) but do you see signs that he's going through puberty and having a surge in hormones?

Original poster
Remmy123 · 19/07/2022 12:02

He doesn't go out or have a social life. He is straight home after school so not weed etc

gaming we block it at 9pm, phone out of room

weekend seems a free for all. He is on there loads as doesn't know what to do with himself without a divide.

scrolling TikTok etc ...

everything at home is good he is lucky but seems to be throwing his toys out of pram and sulking because He has to go to school

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 19/07/2022 12:07

Not every child is academic. Lots of children loathe school. My son was the same as yours, I was at my worst end. He wasn't even allowed to sit his GCSE's with everyone else, had to do them separately and wasn't allowed to mix with friends. He eventually left school and went straight into work, I was worried as i didn't think he'd hold down a job and have problems with authority but he says work is different and he has done amazingly. I say don't put alot of pressure on him, the more you do, the more damage you do.