Absolutely awful year 8 feedback

[Remmy123]

Son is 13 and in Year 8 has been a horrible year. Calls home / detentions constantly

my husband had meeting with school and the feedback was :

worst report on the whole year
lots of complaints about my son (disruption)but they don't call all the time because it's too many calls!
he has been horrible to another boy which they are investigating and it may go on his record as bullying
calling another boy in changing room names constantly) fat etc ..
im waiting for his report but I've seen a couple of tests home and they are diabolical, name barely spelt correctly a total mess

son tells me how much he hates school but unable to tell me why specifically

they want him to have clean slate in year 9

I am devastated, I knew it was bad but not this bad.

i feel dissapointed and wondering where we have gone wrong.

he is at a good school and the teachers are lovely and genuinely trying to help him

he has given up foootbal and has no hobbies
he has become very anti-social
only thing he finds joy in is gaming - I think he is addicted

my husband has removed pc from room we have never done this before and we shouid have done it much earlier (it's the bloody summer holidays now)

i just do not know what to do, I want him to be a nice rounded nice boy and he isn't.

he doesn't seem to care about any of it - how can I make him care

Feeling really upset / deflated but I need a plan of action.

thanks

Answering 'what happens in France?'

To begin with, pupils can retake the year if this is agreed to by the school and the parents.
I think it's being phased out a bit now, but when I was there five years ago, one of our neighbough's children had repeated the same year 3 times. Basically, they can't move onto the next level until they have mastered the year's work.

There are more apprentice type forms of education. For instance, starting a career in cooking/baking at the age of around 15.

There is no expectation that a child's progress is the school's responsibility, except that the lessons have to be adequate.

Teachers are inspected and given a mark out of 20.

Thanks for answering. I guess there are pros and cons with everything. Not great for the families who dont care.

Indeed. That said, teaching is the only job where you are judged for the failure of others/choices they make. Police are not blamed for crims reoffending, doctors are not blamed for patients falling off the wagon but teachers in the UK are always to blame for pupils not engaging. at least on here whereas their status in Germany is a lot higher (Beamte-status), as is the pay and little blame is allocated to staff if the kids do not pass.

Got his report - it wasn't great

we are going to def getting ADHD etc ruled out. Looking into this now. There is something really amiss if someone cannot explain why they hate school so much

He has lost his confidence and doesn't think he is good at anything ( we had a long chat)

I've no idea how this has happened we have always complimented him and so have others. I am not just saying this but he is very handsome but thinks he is ugly. He is smaller then his peers which is bothering him but he hasn't started puberty yet.

he calls himself stupid

it's all so bizarre how we have got to this point over the passed year. I feel so sad 😞

Well I am sure the magic water wont do any harm but please don't do this to the exclusion of anything else

Magic water. Don’t waste your money.

I'm an ex-teacher who also used to work in a PRU and for a good 95% of the boys who routinely acted up in both it all started as a deflection because they're so embarrassed about their reading etc.

I wonder if he feels he's fallen behind and is deflecting.

I would look at diagnoses - but maybe also tutors to at least assess where he is and to get him some support if needed over the summer.

it's all so bizarre how we have got to this point over the passed year. I feel so sad

It hasn't been a normal school year for my teens- with covid absences and staff shortages and many covid new rules - I know DD2 Y8 is and DN Y10 are suddenly having friendship issues and DS Y10 has been in his room way more than ever before - though his friends stepped in at Easter and dragged him out and he's since been downstairs with family a bit more.

I don't know if he is deflecting, maybe.

I've been clear that I do not care about top sets etc I want him to just try and listen to the teachers

ive offered a maths tutor and he said no but I Am looking for one

Re pursuing assessments to pinpoint any AN, as long as the assessors also assess for the NHS you should have no difficulty having school or the LA recognise the validity of their findings.
Your GP can refer you as a private patient to the same people he'd refer you to if you were asking for an NHS diagnosis.

Please have a look at this site, by Dr Ross Greene. it tackles 'disruptive behaviour' in a completely different way and has had a lot of success.
livesinthebalance.org/
"Kids with concerning behaviors aren’t lacking motivation, they’re lacking skills, especially those related to flexibility, adaptability, emotion regulation, frustration tolerance, and problem solving. They aren’t attention-seeking, manipulative, coercive, or unmotivated. They don’t need more time-outs, detentions, suspensions, expulsions, paddling, restraints, seclusions, or police referrals. Those interventions just push them out and away. They do need adults who know how to collaborate with them on solving the problems that are causing their concerning behaviors.

That’s why we’re here. Lives in the Balance advocates for our most vulnerable kids, and helps caregivers see them through more accurate, productive lenses and intervene in evidence-based ways that are collaborative, proactive, non-punitive, non-exclusionary, and effective. Our free resources, trainings, and outreach and advocacy efforts are driving the paradigm shift all over the world.
We invite you to become part of the effort."

and if you can find the time, read his books 'The Explosive Child' and 'Lost at School' and see his videos on YouTube.

You could look at colleges that take from 14. Social media causes huge anxiety we more often see it in girls but also affects boys who will be bombarded with images of tall men with six packs. Height is a big issue for boys. I remember going camping somewhere with no phone signal when my boys were that age I was so fed up with the grip electronics was having. Take a friend if need be. Do things that give a sense of achievement / build confidence eg my boys enjoyed go ape, zip wires, off road biking, climbing and martial arts at that age. Strategy board games like risk. If it is computer stuff then coding or engineering clubs or animation are better than mindless gaming alone. Timers to count down when gaming ending - the games are designed to be addictive and 12 year old brains are not mature enough to manage that. Often they know it’s too much and want help managing it. Obviously if you can get them to read books that helps a lot with literacy at school but often boys drop reading for fun at that age although there are some great young adult books often with film versions. Boys do look more to their dads at that age so I would really recommend his dad and him doing a hobby together regularly - my ex used to take dc to a climbing wall and they were better at it than their dad which did give them a sense of achievement. It doesn’t have to be expensive it could be wild camping for a few nights or doing park run together or an orienteering app. Holidays do get harder but I found adrenaline stuff water slides, zip wires etc still worked at that age and they didn’t miss screens when doing that stuff. I do think having a strong male role model in their life making time for them regularly 1:1 can really help as they naturally seem to tune out their mums at that age.

Thanks very much incredibly helpful, valuable advice.

interestingly, it is me that he is most tuned info, opens up too, I guess because I talk to him (DH shouts) however, this Saturday they are going paddle boarding together.

will look at other activities too

im going to look at DR Ross Green this evening - I have given myself 6 weeks summer holidays to try and get it sorted / improved before year 9.

Is it worth trying to facilitate some trips out for him with his friends? It could be done in a surreptitious way so it's not like a play date. E.g offer to take him and a friend to the cinema and drop them off etc.

Do you know anyone who he will be in classes with next year?

He sounds to me like counselling is a good idea. The school sound supportive and are offering options which might make a difference as well.

Good luck