Absolutely awful year 8 feedback

[Remmy123]

Son is 13 and in Year 8 has been a horrible year. Calls home / detentions constantly

my husband had meeting with school and the feedback was :

worst report on the whole year
lots of complaints about my son (disruption)but they don't call all the time because it's too many calls!
he has been horrible to another boy which they are investigating and it may go on his record as bullying
calling another boy in changing room names constantly) fat etc ..
im waiting for his report but I've seen a couple of tests home and they are diabolical, name barely spelt correctly a total mess

son tells me how much he hates school but unable to tell me why specifically

they want him to have clean slate in year 9

I am devastated, I knew it was bad but not this bad.

i feel dissapointed and wondering where we have gone wrong.

he is at a good school and the teachers are lovely and genuinely trying to help him

he has given up foootbal and has no hobbies
he has become very anti-social
only thing he finds joy in is gaming - I think he is addicted

my husband has removed pc from room we have never done this before and we shouid have done it much earlier (it's the bloody summer holidays now)

i just do not know what to do, I want him to be a nice rounded nice boy and he isn't.

he doesn't seem to care about any of it - how can I make him care

Feeling really upset / deflated but I need a plan of action.

thanks

Clean slate is good.
You already know he needs to reign in the gaming.
He sounds isolated. If he's struggling with his peers, maybe try and find some voluntary or paid work where he's more with adults or perhaps animals? Give him a sense of purpose and value that's not around school.

A private diagnosis of ADHD wouldn’t be recognised through the school. Just so you know.

How is he doing academically, OP?

I'm an ex-teacher who also used to work in a PRU and for a good 95% of the boys who routinely acted up in both it all started as a deflection because they're so embarrassed about their reading etc.

Do you know his reading age? There are tests you can do at home, if he's worried & you can get primary tutors to help with it.

Will he talk to you about his worries, OP?

FFS, homeopathy is absolute bullshit.

What are YOU doing at the weekend? My teens were not left to their own devices - we were out with them or they could be with us at home doing something productive if they were not doing something fun/decent with friends. Stop leaving him to his own devices (both literal and metaphorical).

Tell him you are going to help him and actually do it:
-get the phone and devices out of the bedroom
-get him some counselling support if he is unhappy
-feed him really well, exercise him really well, get good sleep
-take him to interesting places e.g. cinema, museums, parks

He is 13, just on the cusp of becoming too old to help. This could be your last chance. He is calling another kid fat - that is absolutely unacceptable but hopefully with your intervention he can come out of this phase.

You are his parent - help him.

@Whoatealltheminieggs yes it would.

We have one as it can take up to 2 and a half years through Mindworks. School accepted ours but they were the ones who suggested ADHD in the first place.

It seems really drastic but I'd consider cha gong school- at that age once you get set in a certain behaviour it's really hard to change out of it

@sunshineandshowers40 sorry meant to say wouldn’t necessarily be recognised. I’ve dealt with quite a lot of people whose schools won’t recognise the private diagnosis

This sounds tough for everyone. You're right to start questioning what's going on for him before this possibly escalates to school refusal.

Has ADHD been mentioned before? A private diagnosis is expensive so you might need to have some evidence and feel sure about this before you go this route.

What do school think are the triggers for his behaviour? Do they have a good Senco? Ideally you'd hope they would have strategies to support him.

For example, is there a school counsellor, mentor, inclusion hub etc . They need to work with you to try and figure out what he is struggling with.

You sound like a lovely, caring parent. Offer him the security and safety to talk if he ever wants to. Keep clear boundaries and show him how to express his feelings in an appropriate way.

Teenage years are tough. But this can be navigated.

Other than taking away his PC have you given him an absolute bollocking? I wasn't raised under "gentle parenting" - I'd have got a right bollocking, had the fear of god put on me - but I certainly wouldn't have done it again

As a teacher working with this age group, I do feel that this year group (current year 8) have been one of the worst hit by COVID. They spent much of their final year of primary school and first year of secondary in some kind of lockdown or restrictive measures! This, at a time when they would ordinarily be starting to gain more independence, make new friends and solidify those friendships.

For many children of this age this has resulted in more of a reliance on gadgets, devices etc than I have ever seen before. My only advice is to stick to the parameters around gadgets/ gaming that you put in place. I personally wouldn’t do a blanket ban but rather set limits whilst simultaneously encouraging other activities. How you do this would entirely depend on your son and your relationship.

You could simply set time limits and when it’s done that’s it for the rest of the day.
You could allow him to earn more time by completing a chore/taking part in a family activity.
You could turn earning the wifi password for the day into a game (e.g. todays wifi password will be released once you have…)
If this more softly softly approach works, you could give him a budget and allow him to plan a day for the family…a reward and also gets him off of his games to research and plan.

If the softer approach doesn’t work then you may need to totally remove devices/internet access for certain periods of time.

From personal experience, one thing I would nip in the bud is access to gaming and overnight internet access in his room. My younger brother got addicted to gaming and lost interest in anything else at all! This was at the age of 17/18. He’s now 26 and is agoraphobic. He hasn’t left my mums house in 5 years and barely leaves his room. He sleeps all day and games all night. It’s ridiculous. Even in school holidays, some kind of routine, including no devices overnight needs to be maintained.

I'd go private to an educational psychologist if at all possible. And take it from there. If you could help him find just one hobby that isn't computer based that would help a lot, especially if it's a social hobby. And I think sending him to a sports or outdoor activities based half term camp would be a good idea. Eg climbing, caving, canoeing.

My next door neighbour's son was allowed gaming in his room from quite young, by 13 he came home from achool and spent the evening gaming until his parents switched the wifi off at 10pm. By 16 they went on holiday without him and he gamed through the night (keeping me awake). He left school as soon as he could and has lived in his bedroom ever since. He's now well into his 20s!

I'm totally in the camp of those who ban internet in the bedroom.

@Whoatealltheminieggs there is no reason why a school should not recognise a private diagnosis it’s just as valid as an NHS diagnosis and the clinicians often work in both fields. The same goes for any private assessment - Ed psych, OT etc. Often it’s an excuse not to give children the (expensive) support they need.

Why should it be down to the school to 'help' a disengaged teenager?

They already help him by providing lessons. In the French system where I briefly worked, the attitude is completely different.

The teachers give the lessons and if the student fails to engage, it's their own fault and not school's problem.

I would start by limiting the gaming. Allow him an hour a day on condition of good behaviour at home and good marks and behaviour at school.

Any infringement such as getting a detention and he loses his gaming hour.

You can turn it around but you need to take more control.

Why should it be down to the school to 'help' a disengaged teenager?

Really?

In the French system where I briefly worked, the attitude is completely different.

Yeah, we are not in France though.

The teachers give the lessons and if the student fails to engage, it's their own fault and not school's problem.

That sounds really shit.

What do you do at the weekends / as a family?
What is his diet like?
He definitely needs to get into some form of exercise - could he have a kick about with Dad if Dad's in the picture? Take him rock climbing? Join cadets?
What are his future hopes eg jobs etc? Perhaps he hates school as he's not that academic or maybe there's a dream career that would get him excited? He needs some sort of carrot.

Yes to counselling.

I do firmly think gaming is likely to blame - have seen it with countless teenagers I've worked right and a relative. I would remove the phone and computer from his room entirely. He will struggle at first as he's addicted but you need to fill the gap with loads of other activities whilst he adjusts. Can you take him on days out, to different places?

Does he have any vague interests, people he admires, things he enjoys or thinks are cool apart from gaming? Try to find something and then jump on that.

What happens in France?

OP - I think about how crap I feel when I spend hours on my phone - that is how crap your son feels - horrible. Aimlessly on Tik Tok - just stop it for him - help him by filling his days/ weekends / holidays with ANYTHING other than screens.

It's brain rot and some children just can't stop - just like lots of adults cant

He needs exercise/ fresh air etc and excitement in his life - he needs to go to activities/ find a joy in life again.

Would he talk to a counsellor?

France is like Germany iirc
You resit the year if you fail it.
Certainly in Germany, onus is on you/helicopter parenting/private tuition.
You are tested in each subject continuously. 2x5 or 1x6 (like 2 Es and one F) and you are done. Resit.
You get two resits, one at key stage 3, one at key stage 4. Or you fail.
3 types of school, 3 pathways 1.Uni 2.Clerical/apprenticeship 3. Learn a trade/dole.
It is hard, gruelling and sets the kids at 11. Is behaviour any better? Hard to say, questionable, but there certainly isn't intensive pastoral care or careers advice.
Nor is that system better for those with SEN.

Thanks all for your advice it's really helpful.

weekends, if I go out with him he asks how long we will be out for, how bored he is etc very moany

he has come home from school crying saying how sorry he is (heard it all before)

yes my husband will give him a bollockkng. I am the one that talks things through etc and I sympathise as he is finding it so tough , then i wonder if I'm a bloody pushover!

@waterrat good point - Tik Tok is shit I'm going to remove it

I have considered counselling too

@remmy another way to look at it for him is this, ask him what would happen if he dropped his phone and it died, or his computer died? If he doesn't have GCSEs and a job how will he afford to replace these things in future? So all his mates will be gaming together, going out together and he can't afford the game or the computer to play it on, his headset is dead and he is struggling to afford to pay for wifi.

Tell him school isn't about being entertained it is about learning. It is a game and the way to win at the game is to stop pissing around in class. He will understand levelling up from gaming, he needs to level up, to get better grades because all the best loot boxes etc are when you achieve the best that you can achieve. You need to explain that he cannot live at home forever and you won't fund him forever. He will have to stand on his own two feet, get a job, move out. Messing around in class stops being funny to classmates when they get into year 9 and possibly start learning GCSE content.

In my house I have always had a homework time slot and if there is no homework to do then they expand their knowledge based on something they are learning in school, watching people break down Shakespeare or explaining science stuff. Homework had to be completed to a high level and then they could go on tech. However, we did also have family meals every evening and watch TV shows or films together, a bit of give and take with what was chosen.

Messing around in year 8 is normal but not to this level.

First of all, stop, get a cuppa and sit down and breeeeeeath.....

The fact you have been so open and not defensive here tells me you are a fantastic mum.

I am a big believer in behaviour communicates psychological well being and this is especially true for kids who are still learning emotional language and then throw in hormones being all over the place!

Have you thought about a therapist for him? If so - go onto an accredited website such as the BACP and go from there.

Another consideration is autism here or ADHD which can show up in the early years of secondary school owing to the bigger class sizes etc, more going on, which can worsen any underlying issues.