Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Consequences for 15 yo DD?

59 replies

Prideandjoy2 · 18/07/2022 17:16

Help please! At the end of my tether with 15 yo DD. She is blatantly ignoring my husband and I when we say she can’t do something. I feel like we have no authority. What do you do when they just ignore you and do it anyway?

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 18/07/2022 17:18

If you're completely and utterly honest with yourself, is the thing you're not letting her do really that unreasonable?

PeekAtYou · 18/07/2022 17:20

What kind of thing - smoking or going to McDonalds?

orbitalcrisis · 18/07/2022 17:20

Discuss why they asked me in the first place, why they think I said no, what could have happened and what an appropriate punishment is.

Original poster
Prideandjoy2 · 18/07/2022 17:26

MolliciousIntent · 18/07/2022 17:18

If you're completely and utterly honest with yourself, is the thing you're not letting her do really that unreasonable?

No it’s not that unreasonable really, I was even thinking that when I was typing. However, her behaviour has deteriorated lately, since she has been hanging out with a couple of girls and I don't want her spending every spare minute with them. Is it unreasonable for me to say ‘because you went out without permission yesterday evening, then you can’t go out after school today?’

OP posts:
Feedmeplease · 18/07/2022 17:30

Why don't you want her to spend time with her friends?

Your example does sound like you are just punishing her out of principle TBH.

MolliciousIntent · 18/07/2022 17:30

It's not unreasonable at all, but it is a bit futile, because she's already proven that she doesn't care if she's allowed out or not.

Original poster
Prideandjoy2 · 18/07/2022 17:31

PeekAtYou · 18/07/2022 17:20

What kind of thing - smoking or going to McDonalds?

Going into town after school today, when she was in town yesterday morning and went out to meet the same friends yesterday evening for a walk with no power on her phone till 8.30 and OH had to get in car and go and find out where she was.
When we say no, shouldn’t that be it?

OP posts:
CuriousCatfish · 18/07/2022 17:35

You need to compromise. Saying a flat out no to her spending time with her friends will make her resentful and lie about where she is.

CuriousCatfish · 18/07/2022 17:36

And I think you can't just say no to a teenager and expect them to obey you.

Original poster
Prideandjoy2 · 18/07/2022 17:40

Feedmeplease · 18/07/2022 17:30

Why don't you want her to spend time with her friends?

Your example does sound like you are just punishing her out of principle TBH.

I do want her to spend time with friends but her behaviour has deteriorated at school lately and I think it may be the influence of these girls. I was punishing her for going out yesterday evening when we had said no and not communicating with us. That’s what I’m asking, what other consequences can I give her, what works?

OP posts:
Original poster
Prideandjoy2 · 18/07/2022 17:44

CuriousCatfish · 18/07/2022 17:35

You need to compromise. Saying a flat out no to her spending time with her friends will make her resentful and lie about where she is.

Yes I think you are right, but the compromise at the moment is all one way traffic. I said that the girls could come back to ours but that I didn’t want them to go back into town and just hang about. They are going swimming on Friday and I’m ok with that, but don’t want them just hanging about in town.

OP posts:
MsChatterbox · 18/07/2022 17:49

I would think my mum was being ridiculous if she tried to stop me hanging around town with my friends at 15 years old. I had a job at that point and felt very much like an adult (even though I wasnt). I think in this case I would talk to your daughter about the dangers of not telling you where she was, about the effect it had on you (having to go looking) and state that if she wants you to trust her and leave her to get on with it then she needs to have open communication with you. Just keep in mind in a year she could move out and be fully independent so you don't want to push her into feeling that is the best option.

breakingthebank · 18/07/2022 17:51

The most effective sanction for our teens is confiscation of phones. It's used very rarely for serious misdemeanours

lailamaria · 18/07/2022 20:59

So all your punishing her for is hanging around with her mates in town sorry but i do think you're being kind of mean about it like she's a teenager she has a completely separate life to you now

Original poster
Prideandjoy2 · 18/07/2022 22:17

lailamaria · 18/07/2022 20:59

So all your punishing her for is hanging around with her mates in town sorry but i do think you're being kind of mean about it like she's a teenager she has a completely separate life to you now

I think that is what my daughter would think, but no I’m trying to give her consequences for going out yesterday when we said no and then not communicating where she was. She had already spent 3 hours with these girls in the morning, in town, and we had taken her and picked her up and given her money to spend.

OP posts:
lailamaria · 19/07/2022 00:05

but she's a teenage girl and those are her friends she'd spend all of her time with them if she were able too i just don't understand punishing her for hanging around town in the day rather than being bored at home

Hawkins001 · 19/07/2022 00:07

Prideandjoy2 · 18/07/2022 17:16

Help please! At the end of my tether with 15 yo DD. She is blatantly ignoring my husband and I when we say she can’t do something. I feel like we have no authority. What do you do when they just ignore you and do it anyway?

Use reverse psychological perspectives, ?

MarshaMelrose · 19/07/2022 00:17

I think it's a worrying time when your child is hanging out with people you think are pulling them off track. It happened with a friend's son with not good short term consequences for the whole family, including his little brother. Better to do something earlier than later.

I don't think you can let your daughter decide what is reasonable and only to follow those rules. But if you can take her with you when you make those rules, it will be easier. Keep the rules simple and clear. And add in a motivation for her not to spend time with them such as tempting her with something else she likes doing?

Original poster
Prideandjoy2 · 19/07/2022 06:36

lailamaria · 19/07/2022 00:05

but she's a teenage girl and those are her friends she'd spend all of her time with them if she were able too i just don't understand punishing her for hanging around town in the day rather than being bored at home

My daughter would also argue that she is bored in lessons at school, so why shouldn’t she hang out in the toilets with her friends instead?

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 19/07/2022 06:49

How much money does she have? Can you reduce that and encourage her to get a job so that she can see how her life will pan out without GCSEs? Does she know the sort of job she wants to do and the qualifications she will need? Can you arrange some work experience/ shaddowing (ideally she will arrange it but you might need to be proactive too). I would try to shift her focus to the future slightly and what she needs to do now (not skip lessons), to achieve later.

Discuss through that she needs to have a phone and if it is low in charge, a power bank and why. You can't just say no and expect that to be it, she needs to understand why there is a problem.

Original poster
Prideandjoy2 · 19/07/2022 06:53

MarshaMelrose · 19/07/2022 00:17

I think it's a worrying time when your child is hanging out with people you think are pulling them off track. It happened with a friend's son with not good short term consequences for the whole family, including his little brother. Better to do something earlier than later.

I don't think you can let your daughter decide what is reasonable and only to follow those rules. But if you can take her with you when you make those rules, it will be easier. Keep the rules simple and clear. And add in a motivation for her not to spend time with them such as tempting her with something else she likes doing?

Yes MarshaMelrose it is worrying, she is choosing what she thinks is reasonable and ignoring what she doesn’t like.

OP posts:
Original poster
Prideandjoy2 · 19/07/2022 07:04

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 19/07/2022 06:49

How much money does she have? Can you reduce that and encourage her to get a job so that she can see how her life will pan out without GCSEs? Does she know the sort of job she wants to do and the qualifications she will need? Can you arrange some work experience/ shaddowing (ideally she will arrange it but you might need to be proactive too). I would try to shift her focus to the future slightly and what she needs to do now (not skip lessons), to achieve later.

Discuss through that she needs to have a phone and if it is low in charge, a power bank and why. You can't just say no and expect that to be it, she needs to understand why there is a problem.

Yes she has just done some work experience and really enjoyed it. We have explained what qualifications she will need to do this kind of work, but it’s all about the here and now. I think she will just have to learn from experience, but you want to steer them in the right direction and avoid as much heart ache for them as you can.

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 19/07/2022 07:15

Has she tried working in less exciting jobs for a contrast? It is harder but not impossible at 15 to get little jobs, cleaning, newspaper round etc. I would be cutting down on the we had taken her and picked her up and given her money to spend. aspect and make it slightly harder - walking into town, earning the money she needs more etc.

Discovereads · 19/07/2022 07:23

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. There was no reason to withhold permission for her to hang out with her mates in town yesterday. So what if her phone ran out of charge, this happens to everyone sometimes so don’t understand why you are blaming her really. And now using yesterday to refuse her going out with her mates today is just more of the same silliness.

When it comes to teens you have to give them more freedom and wider boundaries. Stick to the important battles as in don’t skip school. Don’t do drugs. Be street smart. Banning them from certain friends is the sure way to drive them to do anything to be with those friends even if they are bad for her- teens are wired to be contrary.

NancyJoan · 19/07/2022 07:35

Is it unreasonable for me to say ‘because you went out without permission yesterday evening, then you can’t go out after school today?’

No, of course not. She’s a child, you are responsible for her, if she’s deliberately doing something you said ‘no’ to, she needs to see a consequence of that.

I’m so with you on the unsuitable friend. My DD, 16, is currently dazzled by a girl who binge drinks, vapes, and seems to have no rules. Wants to spend hours in town/down by the river. Also has a family who dish out money, are happy to offer lifts, order takeaways etc. so it’s hard to say no without sounding mean. With her other friends, DD does actual things or they come here, which feels much safer.

Swipe left for the next trending thread