Consequences for 15 yo DD?

[Prideandjoy2]

Help please! At the end of my tether with 15 yo DD. She is blatantly ignoring my husband and I when we say she can’t do something. I feel like we have no authority. What do you do when they just ignore you and do it anyway?

I am interested as to why you think she will follow the rules for the important stuff.
Also, I would argue that making sure that you can contact someone via your phone is part of being street smart. This isn’t a one off.

That is difficult NancyJoan. The girls my DD hangs out with have way more freedom, so you are always the one setting the boundaries which makes you unpopular.

@Prideandjoy2 Maybe with the holidays it's time to have a chat about what she expects and what you expect.
I have friends with similar aged daughters and I know they have household chores that are expected to be done before any social activities - if they aren't then they've made the choice not to see friends that day/not get the money/do x y or z as agreed.
Bare minimum it's fair to request her phone is charged when leaving the house and if you contact her she responds - and if plans change she lets you know.
As for seeing the same friends multiple times a day doing the same things - I think that's teenagers.

She's 15, there's no harm in sitting and chatting responsibilities over. If it continues to make no difference you can point that out and then I guess that's when you get strict. And remind that if she doesn't keep her end of the deal. You don't have to either.

Good luck!

Thank you PopGoesBang, I will give that a go. I have tried chores for pocket money in the past, but it didn’t last more than a week. I kept lowering my expectations to a level I thought that she could deal with (hanging up her towel and not leaving her clothes on the bathroom floor!) but it still petered out. Deep breath, try again!

Because my teens did 🤷‍♀️
Oh i didn’t say having a nonworking phone = street smart. Just that it happens now and then and besides every earlier generation was street smart without cellphones.

Going into town after school today, when she was in town yesterday morning and went out to meet the same friends yesterday evening for a walk with no power on her phone till 8.30 and OH had to get in car and go and find out where she was.
When we say no, shouldn’t that be it?

I wouldn't have said no without something else happening would have asked to be informed and would have insisted the phone was charged or extra charger thing taken. I would be pushing that as a safety matter - knowing where she is and who she is with in case she goes missing or something bad happens.

If mien were skipping lessons - they'd be words and possible phones taken - but if not PE Id assume they were struggling and attitude or not they'd be sitting down doing more of that subject with me.

Not liking friends is harder - I don't like all my DC friends but they aren't that bad but any miss behaving on my kids not their friends. Best bet there is get her busy job, volunteering, groups helping round house.

I think you should let it go.
Teens don't respond well to sanctions generally.
Turn it around and be the easier parent. She will get up to mischief regardless of if you say come home at 7pm or 9pm if she's determined to.
It's nearly the holidays, it's hot and she'd much rather be with her friends.
Concentrate perhaps on rewarding and encouraging the behaviours you want to see.
I'd think about offering a swap. Say she can stay out with her friends until late as long as she keeps her phone on and let's you know where she is. If she does that you will give her some money for shopping in the holidays (or such like) so that the sanction is the loss or deferment of a high value reward. Not the removal of the social contact. Friendships are social glue for teens and incredibly important. But if the group is toxic or risky I think it's those aspects you need to get her to reflect on, give her ways out of situations that she can't handle and keep communication open.

I know it's easy to say this - but I think we have to be careful not to obsess about kids being 'contactable' all the time. Remember we grew up - and we were trusted. I don't like the idea of punishing kids for a phone running out of charge. It should be their communication and behaviour that matters.

What is it specifically you don't like/ didn't like about her being out all afternoon? Did you want her to do something with you all as a family?

While we do have to keep our kids close to the family and not just let them decide to vanish off with their mates the entire time - I do think it's better they are out with friends on a sunny day than sitting at home staring at their phone surely?

Could you sit down with her and calmly talk through how you feel about the amount of time she spends with friends - WHY it matters that she spends some time as a family still and what to do if phone isn't on.

ie. is it nearer for her to come home tell you she wants to go back and go back again? Would you be reasonable on a sunny weekend if that is what she wanted?

I just think it's unrealistic to expect a 15 year old to always do what they are told - some are instinctively more rebellious than others. I think you have to be clear why you are setting that boundary - so it makes sense to them.

I can see that as she ignored you yesterday keeping her in for one day is fair - but what happens if she ignores you again?

Update - So I went to pick DD up from school yesterday and just as I was getting there she texted so say she was going for a walk with her friend and had water (hottest day in history!). So bearing in mind the comments about me needing to let her hang out with her friends more, I texted OK. Half an hour later I had a call from school asking if I could contact DD as she has gone for a walk with a boy in foster care who was not at his designated pick up point and not responding to his phone. No reply to DD on text or phone, no update on 360 Live since 2pm and could see her battery low. Phoned the friend she told me she was walking with, who was actually at home and hadn’t gone on the walk in the end due to heat. Had to call headmaster back to say that I couldn’t get in contact with her. School were obliged to inform police about the boy as he is in care.
I then get a call from Police, asking for details, where they were last seen, what DD was wearing etc. He says we have to call 999 if she isn’t back by 7.30pm as if they split up the police will only be looking for the boy and not DD.
Both DD’s friends were calling and texting with updates they were getting from the boy, telling them they had travelled to nearby city on bus, then a different city in opposite direction, then they weren’t sure where they were.
7.30pm came and went so we called 999 and reported her missing. I went to one of the places they said they were, asking at bus station, in parks etc, but no luck. DDs best friend and her mum came to help. I was frantic.
Finally at 11pm police called to say they had them and dropped her back to house at midnight. They hadn’t got on any buses but were at the far end of our town, tired and thirsty. They had knocked on a door and asked them to call police. At any point in the night he could have phoned us or his foster carer to describe where they had gone and we would have been able to find them.
So relieved she is safe. She is still being bolshy though.
The boy texted me to apologise and say that he dared DD to take a ‘Rennie’ they found and they drank lemonade from an opened can they found on a wall. (They had no money with them).
🤯

This and change WiFi password!

My teens would walk over hot coals if it meant getting their phones back!!

And seriously please don't listen other Mners about how to raise your child!

Everyone has different boundaries. I think I'm a VERY strict parent, very clear boundaries with what I will and will not allow in my house.

For example when they have parties I give the friends "the talk" about what I will allow and if anyone breaks the rules I will phone their parents to pick them up.

But funnily enough I was chatting my dd the other day and saying I bet your mates think I'm horrendously strict and was surprised that she doesn't think I'm strict at all!

Oh blimey op . 😳 well. That sounds like a kid who is pushing boundaries.sorru for the crap advice !

Any one of my teens did that lied about who and where they were even before getting to point police were involved - they would know they were in serious shit.

I would restrict freedoms, phone and money would be gone and I'd expect them to work on how to re-earn our trust.

But BlueWhat is right - I've been raising and learning my teens all their lives they know where my and DH boundaries are - they know if they step over we won't fuck about there will be repercussions and many talks they know we don't care what others say or do - possibly good outcome from undermining family members when they were young.

All I can suggest is look at teen communication books - see if there are ideas in those you haven't tried - also try and keep her busy over the summer though hard if you are working.

Thanks all so much for messages. If we can just get through till Sunday, she has a holiday with her best friend’s family and then a week at a sport camp, then hopefully a family holiday, so lots to keep her occupied. Just had a call from the Missing From Home service to arrange a chat with DD, so quite impressed in the speed of that.
Normally, the weeks fly by, but at the moment each day is a struggle. I actually wished someone a good weekend on Monday afternoon 😩.

Christ, OP. I hope the police involvement has put the fear of God in her. Lying about where she was going/who with would result in serious punishment here. It’s such a betrayal of trust.

Hard to tell, sulking in her room, raging because i have confiscated her phone. I've said she is not allowed to go anywhere today. She has horrendous blisters on her feet from all the walking (7 miles), so hopefully she won’t be able to. No obvious remorse, no apology for frightening the life out of us.

@Prideandjoy2

I've been reading the replies and thought I'd jump in now .
My DD has been pushing against us Not wanting to let us know who she is with , where going . If we don't let her do something she just goes anyway anytime day or night . Other parents letting her stay without our permission. Then finally the night she went out and we didn't know where she was . I wasn't able to go out and look for her as husband working away and youngest in bed and even if I found her every chance I wouldn't be able to get her in the car .
Because of going out that night and police being called we now have a social worker .
My dd has openly said to police and social worker that we are good parents but she just wants to do what she wants .

I thought it may help to know what social worker said to us and her .

She is 14 , we are her parents and she can't make decisions about where she goes and what time she comes in because she's a child

As a family we have you be considerate of everyone. If we say no give a reason and say it's not agreed now but next time she's due out and we'll do our best to say yes if she shows she can compromise.

She has to ask and we have to know where she is . That's what good parents do .

It's given us confidence that we are not unreasonable and it's taught her that we are right supported by police and social worker .

We have lots going on beside this l but don't doubt yourself you sound very reasonable parents x

Going into town after school today, when she was in town yesterday morning and went out to meet the same friends yesterday evening for a walk with no power on her phone till 8.30 and OH had to get in car and go and find out where she was.
When we say no, shouldn’t that be it?

What's wrong with her doing that?

@Toddlerteaplease
I would say the problem is that she is accelerating to going missing causing police to become involved

Surely as parents it's our responsibility to teach our children of all ages that we have to compromise, consider others and sometimes cope with disappointment that we can't always do what we want ??

Well, she was specifically told that she wasn’t allowed to go out, and went anyway, resulting in her Dad driving around looking for her at 8:30pm. What’s wrong is that she seems to have no trouble completely disrespecting her parents and the rules they have put in place. To the point of police, and probably social services, involvement.

@Prideandjoy2

And phone was removed . Because she wouldn't agree to compromise she lost it for 5 weeks . Wr never intended it to be that long but once we'd said we needed her to compromise / listen we had to see it through and it took 5 weeks and I can honestly say she was much easier to live with .

She's a normal 15 Yr old DD

Is your DH some kind of weird control freak driving at 20.30 looking for her.

How utterly embarrassing

No wonder she switches her phone off

Most 15 year olds go out till 11pm and get the bus home these days.

Those living in cities anyway.

Carrot and stick?

So now it's holidays she can have chores to do that earn her money. That's how she gets it. That's what she gets.

She has to make choices about if she gets the money or not. So that means no nagging her to do the chores.

Lifts are provided if the chores are done.

and I'd buy her a power bank for her phone. Make that a rule she uses it so she's on contact.

Perhaps even offer her X amount for chores and say you'll double the following days amount or whatever for adhering to your rules and curfews.

It's really hard when you get a teen who doesn't care about rules. The trick is to make them see how following them benefits them rather than hinders them

So really she hasn't done anything different to most other teens her age but it's turned into a big dramatic event.

2 teens go out for a while, don't call anyone, get home safe and sound before midnight. I mean seriously what's the big fuss

That said my DD 15 is allowed her freedom because she let me add her on my find a phone. I know where she is every step she takes. She wouldn't be allowed out otherwise. Ever.