Losing my shit with mobile phone use

[millytint44]

So, my nearly 14 year old DD is obsessed with her phone. She literally can't look up from it, can't have a normal conversation with me, gets ping ping ping notifications on her phone every waking hour and every time I try to suggest some down time from it, she goes completely bonkers.... screaming at me etc. I've physically manhandled it out of her hand on several occasions, I actually want to throw it out the fucking window to be honest. She's only got an iphone 7 and wants a new one when this 2 year contract is up, in November... well she's got another think coming. I am done with this shit. I'm worried for her ability to communicate, her mental health, her general well-being if she continues to be addicted to her phone. I think the only way is to get rid of it altogether.

Does anyone else feel the same?

*I mean, of course, we no longer check the 17yo's phone. Oh for an edit facility.

I don't think there is a range of viewpoints at all. You bought, pay for and own the phone of your daughter who you should also be parenting....

@millytint44

Yes I'm a mum of a 14 year old who lost her phone 3 weeks ago .
She changed her passcode so I couldnt check it . Turned her location off when going out . Used it to arrange to meet others after curfew at 9 . And became aggressive threatened to self harm when we put screentime on between 9.30 pm and 7 am .
This culminated in her leaving one night and not coming home . As we didn't know where she was and I was alone with younger one dad working away I had to call the police . They told her to behave .

Second time we tried to restrict her phone use she became violent we again called police who told her again and made a referral to social care . She is now assessed as a child in need because of her extreme behaviour .

We were very strict before lockdown but relaxed it so she could socialise . She's fought us ever since .

At the weekend we are talking to her about getting the phone back

Conditions will be :

1 hour social media a night
Screentime off at 9
Phone charging in our room
Location stay on when out

Checking phone / not change passcode

Any aggression police and / or social care being informed .

Phone being replaced with a dumb phone .

These rules have all been agreed by social worker and police .

Being afraid stopped us acting sooner and I really regret that . She lost her phone 4 weeks ago and apart from a few grumbles shes been great x

You can do this x

Ok, thanks everyone. No need for further comment.

My dd was exactly the same at that age..
I found having the OUR PACT app really helped and I set it ro go.off at a certain time.
She is still a kid and you are in charge put your boundaries in.
I actually once or twice reported dds phone as lost so they blocked it 😂

OP - consider talking to her? Ask her what she wants in an ideal phone use world. She will probably say 24 hour a day access.

Tell her you get it. Phones are a way of keeping us in touch with friends and entertained etc etc. so tell her you understand

And then tell her that your job is to ensure she's safe, getting enough sleep, not becoming addicted to things etc, it's your literal job as a parent

And then ask her to compromise with you. Say you'll give a bit and she must give a bit and see where you land with that

And yes - my youngest is 15 and yep, he is pretty much addicted to his phone

We've compromised. It comes out of his room to charge elsewhere at 10.30pm on a school night. At weekends and holidays, I allow him to just have it in his room . This is some way from what I would choose BUT it's a compromise and he never has it overnight when he's got school the next day.

Manhandling it out of her hand, getting to a point of her screaming and threatening to jump off the bannister etc etc isn't working. You need to be shown to 'give' but in return, you need something back

So that's my advice for what it's worth

@millytint44

I'm confused of what you wanted from posting .

You asked if anyone felt the same . Many replied yes and gave examples

Many more gave examples of what they would / have done .

But you haven't found any of it useful ?

Did you just want someone to agree how awful it is ?

Because it will only change if you do something different

Good luck x

MN doesn't really work like that OP

Dear @mumofblu
That does read like it's an extreme situation, and are you putting it down solely to lockdown, and post-lockdown changes and such? I picture a life-event of somekind being at the root of it.
Also, was the new routine implemented overnight, or after the three weeks of zero-use?
I hope she is well, you two also and feeling better too.

@NorahNorah
No the phone was removed following concerns and behaviour including changing passcode .

It's been a nightmare in that area but otherwise she is great , doing well at school , behaves well with others , popular .

I do think she struggled in lockdown and now says she wants to live without boundaries doing what she wants when she wants .

Interesting we've offered her phone back with restrictions and she's said no she'd rather not have it back then have it checked .

I work in safeguarding and I promise you Op you absolutely cannot let a 14 year old live like this. Im not judging its bloody hard

But please step in now. Remove the phobe and begin again. Use an app called qustudio its v good you can sit with her and get her to agree to sensible boundaries

If she wont engage or agree. The phone doesnt go back to her at all

Take her phone 24-48 hours or until you see fit for her to have it.

I'd suggest going through her phone, find out what's keeping her soo preoccupied, also see if she's safe or endangering herself...

Could be talking to strangers, or adults preying on innocent children...etc...

So hard to manage in 2023 where kids can make money on the internet, where they can just purchase or borrow electronics, where there's free wifi, where schools have these electronic devices freely available and accessible to students, etc...

Where teens can just holler abuse and if they're just doing it out of tantrum...they will be coddled and believed

Another vote for Qustodio app

@millytint44
thats the thing yesterdays books, newspapers etc are todays mobile phones, these days everyone or most people are connected i can understand your frustration but its tech and the times.

Please remove the phone and parent the tantrum. Never give it back without you knowing the passcode.

A young lady in my immediate family behaved just as you describe your daughter.
If I told you now what the family are dealing with you would remove that phone. Her teenage years are ruined, her future in the balance due to psychological trauma, failing exams, no friends and now losing family. Every agency involved and no one can support what she needs due to that phone and what was going on.
I wouldn't care if it ruined friendships, it's a manipulation tactic to get you to give in.

Please remove it.

My dd was like this as about the same age. It's really really hard.
I actually cancelled her contract at one point it was so bad.
I firmly believe that some of them have a genuine addiction to their phones and its hard to understand unless you experience a child like this.
What worked for us was an app which cut off at a certain time so i didnt have to try and take it.
I remember hearing her tell a friend that she actually liked it going off at night.