Losing my shit with mobile phone use

[millytint44]

So, my nearly 14 year old DD is obsessed with her phone. She literally can't look up from it, can't have a normal conversation with me, gets ping ping ping notifications on her phone every waking hour and every time I try to suggest some down time from it, she goes completely bonkers.... screaming at me etc. I've physically manhandled it out of her hand on several occasions, I actually want to throw it out the fucking window to be honest. She's only got an iphone 7 and wants a new one when this 2 year contract is up, in November... well she's got another think coming. I am done with this shit. I'm worried for her ability to communicate, her mental health, her general well-being if she continues to be addicted to her phone. I think the only way is to get rid of it altogether.

Does anyone else feel the same?

We take it home oit of room at 9pm

it also drives me crazy

I don't think it's fair to take it away from her but set some boundaries / limits so she doesn't rely/ need it so much

I am the parent and it is my job to regulate. I pay the bill, I bought the phones and therefore they have no choice. That said, they are generally well behaved and I cannot even contemplate one of them screaming at me. It just doesn't happen but then we have always had boundaries.

Very much the case with my dds too

Sadly this can be modelled behaviour. Many parents also have addictions to there phones and this type of behaviour is becoming the norm in society now. Children are getting addicted to technology. I would start by looking at changing your internet settings to decrease the internet use in the house and you can actually block social media on your internet settings to just give everyone a break at a certain time. I have one set so that you can only access at certain times.

Do any of you who are suggesting take the phone off her for a period of time, actually have teenagers?
Yes. 4. I provided phones and they followed the rules or lost the privilege.

She says it would isolate her from her friends, she'd be left out etc...
Which would be a consequence of her own actions 🤷‍♀️

I can't check her phone as she has a passcode on the phone and won't tell me what it is
Who is the parent here? Stop being a doormat OP.

She is 14.

She needs you to parent this situation better.

She's 14, she's growing up, stop treating her like a baby because generation differs from your. You'll be complaining next she has no friends & gets bullied, at 14 she needs to fit in, let her be & find ways to manage your anger & pick your battles, because if this gets to you enough to post, I dread to think how your going to cope over the next few years, without destroying your relationship

I can't check her phone as she has a passcode on the phone and won't tell me what it is.

I missed this bit. This is not on, at 14 DD was only ever allowed to have phones & social media, provided we had passcodes etc. We very rarely used it, but you are paying the bill & keeping her safe

ds 15 is not allowed his phone in his room at night and he understands that we must be able to check it. A social life for anyone is not 24/7 so it is reasonable at that age to say after 10pm no phone, no phone at meal times and no phone if watching a film together. You take the phone until she gives you the passcode and then you set the boundaries with it.

That is not good advice.

Have the grit to dig in and patent. We are not there to be their friends, we are there to help these children become well rounded, happy and functioning adults. If your husband or partner was on their phone 12 hours of every day NOONE would say that was good for their mental health.

Have the grit to dig in and patent. We are not there to be their friends, we are there to help these children become well rounded, happy and functioning adults.

I totally agree with that bit, but a battle worth fighting 30years ago, isn't always one worth fighting now & will do more harm than good to your relationship long term. Times have changed, mobile phones are now normal everyday things to keep connected with her friends, which are very important at this age as it's a minefield for them. I'm all for strong boundaries, but at this age, coming down hard on everything, just makes you a dictator & that isn't good parenting. It's a tightrope we have to walk for a few years & I'm sure you want kids that will communicate problems with you if they need to, not lie & sneer at you for being "abusive" they love that word behind your back

Sorry, but that sounds absolutely batshit. There's teenage tantrums and then there's that.

Addiction is real, including to tech.

Get her to the GP and get her some counselling.

Her reaction is not rational. It's immature and highly manipulative. Would make me worry what she's actually up to on her phone if it feels like a life or death situation for her in the heat of the moment - who is she talking too? Do you really know?

Honestly I'd film her next meltdown and make her watch it once she's calmed down, or you've been able to remove the phone, so she can understand that she's got an issue.

Has she behaved like this previously regarding other boundaries or restrictions you've put in place? It seems like a really extreme reaction solely for a phone.

Remove the phone. Replace with a basic one for emergencies and she can have a smartphone when she is mature enough to get a job and pay for it herself. She is acting like an immature brat, clearly due to the addiction.

How long has this been going on. This kind of behaviour? Teen tantrum. On the rare occasion when Dh does x box removal to ds2, or even worse phone removal for 1 day, ds2 wouldn't even think / dare to question it, even if he rarely stomps upstairs 'this is so unfair', he wouldn't tantrum.
That's a different level. Why are you letting her get away with this? It's a lack of respect.

Tell her you need to talk and arrange a time. That forewarns her. Clever tactic.

At the stated time, sit down and very calmly say, (you must ensign calm during the whole thing, remember if things become heated ti slow down and deliberately lower your voice). You don't know quite how are you ever got to this state of affairs, but this kind of behaviour is simply not ok and it needs to be addressed and changed. With immediate effect.

Then you can talk about stuff and tell her the phone issue and any other issues you need changed, and she can talk about it.

But I would make it very clear that I was not going to tolerate tantrums, shouting, and threatening to jump over the banisters anymore.

Yes 2 girls. You are paying for a communications device for a child that you have no access to? That is beyond irresponsible. Have you never checked up on what content she is accessing?

Let her scream. She's making threats because, quite clearly, it gets her what she wants. Do not argue back with her walk away, your world is final. No discussions. No negotiations.

I'm not sure this thread has been any help to me to be honest, as so many different viewpoints. I just can't see what is going to work. But thanks all for your input.

Actually, having just read the thread from start to finish, most viewpoints are very similar. Parent your teen, get that phone off her and make her give you the code. Manage the Wi-Fi/access to apps/internet through parental controls. Check what she is doing on it. Ignore tantrums. If she won't comply, cancel the contract and let her have a simple Nokia.

Her behaviour is appalling and you are enabling it. She's too young to self regulate, you have to do it for her.

I knew someone who wouldn't manage their teen's phone usage - they ended up with a 14 year old pregnant to a 37 year old and suicidal for years. The 14 year old is now 20 and is only just starting to get over the ordeal now. Don't risk putting your girl through that because you're scared of her tantrums.

The thread isn't a range of views it's just you don't want to hear the solution because it's hard work.
You can cop out and take the easy option, you could be lucky and nothing bad happen. Alternatively the worst will happen because you are giving access and opportunity to every sinister fucker out there to your DD who at 14 still needs you to make judgments for her and protect her. You are risking destroying her happiness and future.
You wouldn't have started a thread if you didn't care so follow it through and make the changes you need.

Hi OP. I agree with a PP who says you've actually got a pretty clear consensus on here and the next thing is for you to decide what your boundaries are and how you're going to express them.

Phone usage always divides opinion a bit, and it's really difficult to impose any boundaries around it - I think all the more so because phones have been such a lifeline for teens (and everyone) over the past couple of years.

I have three teens. One in particular uses the phone (for games/YouTube) more than I would like. But also does fine at school, plays sport, sees friends etc, so I can live with it on balance. And he sticks with the boundaries we do have around phone usage - in our house these are no phones at the table, no phones in bedrooms overnight, no scrolling through your phone if we're doing an agreed activity together (e.g. watching TV/playing a game). Those boundaries apply to the adults as well. I also know everyone's passcodes. So they're not huge boundaries, but if anyone had a tantrum about any of them I'd see that as a problem.

I have one teen who is very prone to angry meltdowns, so I do empathise with you. I think it's important to pick your battles, but if you think this is a battle to pick then I hope you can set your lines and stick with them.

Yes, most of the comments here are from people who clearly know how to parent well. The fact that you think that displays their lack of knowledge demonstrates that, in this instance, you don't.

@millytint44
Eh?
Nearly all the viewpoints are the same/similar. You've had loads of good advice. Mn at its best. Supportive, suggesting solutions.

What were you expecting from such a thread?

Pretty much everybody has said 'Let her tantrum, restrict her phone use'.

Not sure how you can be finding that confusing.

We have a 13 year old. Passcodes and passwords have to be available to parents. The one time she changed her passcode, she lost her phone privileges.

I don’t avail myself of it often, but this system allows me to log into her accounts from my own device. A quick spot check that while I might not love her choice in tiktok or YouTube videos there is nothing harmful and then I log back out. She is fully aware I do this.

I have a 17yo and a 14yo. We don't limit time on it as such - it's naturally limited by life/activities. Rules are no phones at family meals, phones charge in kitchen overnight, we can and will spot check (we no longer do this for the 14yo but do, with slowly decreasing frequency, for the 14yo. My phone's also linked to theirs so their YouTube usage shows up and I look at that now and again). We'll pop heads round doors on a regular basis and ask what they're up to, and talk about safety/savviness etc. And importantly, their behaviour isn't concerning. That would mean restrictions.

They're both still on devices far more than dh and I are happy with. I've sort of made my peace with that, as they are achieving, engaged, socially and domestically competent young people.