Losing my shit with mobile phone use

[millytint44]

So, my nearly 14 year old DD is obsessed with her phone. She literally can't look up from it, can't have a normal conversation with me, gets ping ping ping notifications on her phone every waking hour and every time I try to suggest some down time from it, she goes completely bonkers.... screaming at me etc. I've physically manhandled it out of her hand on several occasions, I actually want to throw it out the fucking window to be honest. She's only got an iphone 7 and wants a new one when this 2 year contract is up, in November... well she's got another think coming. I am done with this shit. I'm worried for her ability to communicate, her mental health, her general well-being if she continues to be addicted to her phone. I think the only way is to get rid of it altogether.

Does anyone else feel the same?

My son is the same, I hate the phone with a passion
We make him leave it on charge downstairs and nag him to watch TV instead of a night(he is currently watching stranger things so will put it down some nights to do this)
We took it away for just under a week recently for some other behaviour,he moped about for a day or two then became part of the family again,interacting with us,even helped make tea!

He even agreed that he was better without his phone and would try to be without it on occasion...didnt happen.
He did say he felt isolated and abit down with out that constant Interaction with his friends and social media.
So I am always wary of taking it for too long.

At her age you should still have parental controls on her phone. She really could be communicating with anyone on there, that includes sending receiving adult pics/videos.
You need to stand up to her, and set and stick to boundaries, otherwise phone use will be the least of your worries I'm afraid.

I do, he's 15. I've taken his computer, VR helmet and he sometimes has his phone taken away too. He is a much nicer person when not,in possession of them. Parents are there to set limits and say no. She'll see her friends at school. You aren't depriving her, she's depriving herself by not restricting her phone use.

You can't let a 14 year old dictate what you can or can't do. I presume you pay the contract? Tell her she either does as you say, hands over phone with passcode or you cancel the contract. And mean it! You have absolutely no idea of what she's up to on that phone so it's for her own protection. She'll wail and make threats but just walk away and stick to your guns it's not easy but really some teenagers need protecting from themselves (and possibly others)

My DD is 15. Since she's had a phone the rule is we know the passcode. It wasn't negotiable.
I don't set limits on time but she's been pretty sensible with how she uses it. It gets left outside her room at night while it charges.
If she started throwing hissy fits about not putting it down i would be looking very closely at what she was looking at for a start.

The dopamine that’s released when kids get free range on phones is the equivalent to you allowing her to use recreational drugs. Honestly you need to limit her time on it.

Dd2 was exactly like this. What helped was when it got broken. We 'couldn't' get it fixed for a week (I told her they had to send it away from the shop). The week off saw her behaviour and sleep improve and we actually managed a conversation with her about it, where we said we would be setting boundaries when it came back-parental boundaries to immobilise data etc 10am, back on at 8am... she was able to compute that having been away from the bloody things for a week.
She still kicks up a bit about it but nothing like it was.

Could your DD's phone mysteriously stop working overnight perhaps??

Whether a child is 4 or 14... Boundaries are there to keep children safe. I agree with PPs that you need to set some clear boundaries with her, as her parent you are well within your rights to do so in her best interests. It sounds like at the moment she's learnt how to use her behaviour to control situations, and has been very effective at doing so. It's not about removing the phone completely at this stage, but maybe have a calm conversation where you can tell her about the changes you've noticed when she's on the phone too much, how it makes you feel, how it may worry you about the short and long term impact on her? Explaining that you're not saying this to her to be punative, but because you love her and care about the impact so much phone use is having on her and also your relationship.

I recognise that children today do use phones to socialise outside of school, probably like MSN was for my generation. However my parents were clear about how long I was allowed to be at the computer for and when it was time to log off. Phones are tricky as they're so accessible, but as others have said- at just 14 years old you absolutely should know what her passcode is. I think the previous suggestions about a small data plan and then removing WiFi may get around this, although ideally she needs to learn that having a smart phone is a privilege, not a right, and it comes with conditions. If those aren't stuck to then I would absolutely be cancelling the contract and giving her a Nokia. She's learnt that she has all the power and control over this OP, but it doesn't have to (and shouldn't!) be like this.

DS is 19 now but we did no phones past bedtime in his room until he was about 16, I knew the passcode and could check it whenever I wanted to and it was the first thing to go if he misbehaved. It doesn't seem to have scarred him.

DD is nearly 12 and doesn't have a phone yet but I have an app called qustodio that locks her kindle fire between 8pm and 8am in the week and 10pm-9am at tbe weekend and I can control how many hours she gets on any given day, tablet also goes if she plays up. I obviously know the code for her tablet.

When she gets a smart phone (holding out as she is screen obsessed) I will use the same app, as others have said they cant argue too much if it just switches off. I am pretty fair in that if she has just been using her tablet to listen to music whilst doing something else or for home work I bung her some extra time to watch drivel on YouTube.

It sounds like you have more issues than just phone use.

Choose a safe time to have a conversation. When everything is calm and no one is cross. Dinner or driving her somewhere.
Try not to use custody language. You have created this situation. She is the child.

I have 15&16 yr old girls. They are not allowed to change their passcodes from something we all know. I also have my fingerprints set up for access as well.

If you have family sharing set up you can control screen time on family iPhones from your devices. You can block her phone between certain hours and set a passcode only you know.

You also need to find a way to communicate without the screaming and yelling.

You get her passcode, you are in charge. Parental control and WiFi limits.

Yes.
Foster cater for teenagers for ten years. Adolescent psychotherapist.

I stand by what I said before. Let her experience those emotions. She needs you to parent her and set the boundaries.

I have a 14 yo by the way OP. Giving into her tantrums is bad parenting, not checking what she's doing is negligent. She could be at risk of real harm online.

The fact that she won't let you see suggests that she's doing/saying stuff she shouldn't be.

I have a 13 year old. His phone is blocked (Google family link) between 9pm and 7.30am. He's currently handing it over when he comes home from school and has to ask to use it to contact friends etc as a behaviour sanction. Part of the deal of getting the phone is that I have to know the passcode/unlock pattern. I don't routinely check his phone, but if his behaviour concerns me then he knows I might do.

At some point between now and 16 I know I need to dial down this control. But he needs to show responsible behaviour with the phone for this to start.

If he refused to let me have the passcode I would cancel his contract so all he could do was call and text.

My teenager has an app called Family Link installed before I gave it to her. Switches off at 11ish back on at 7ish.

App monitors amount of time on Insta- school night it cuts out after she has been on it for a certain amount of time.

I have the password to this app and there is no way she can over-ride it.

Broadband also has the highest setting on Internet Protections as well.

Ridiculous. Dd1 is 13 the condition of having the phone is that I have the code and I will check it when I feel the need.

The phones are not allowed upstairs at all and if she ignores me excessively I will take it out of her hand and remove it.

Dd1 and I have a great relationship it's done no harm at all to be firm

At the minute I have just confiscated your phone. If you continue to act like a brat I'll go through your phone

No. There is no reason for OP to go through the phone or even threaten this.

Something like this is better

At the minute I have just confiscated your phone. You can have it back when you learn to behave. You must reduce phone time or it will be confiscated again.

OP you need to be firm with this until she gets the idea. It WILL be painful to start.

No. There is no reason for OP to go through the phone or even threaten this. checking your child's phone is basic safeguarding

OP, download Qustodio or Safe Lagoon from Google play.

I often take my 14 yr olds phone off him as he's the same. We have the arguments, I tell him I don't give a shit because I'm doing it to help him no matter what he thinks.
He becomes a changed person. He's chattier, less moody and more fun.
We have a chat and he realises how much the phone affects him and promises to stick to the agreement.
This lasts for a few days then it starts slipping and we're back to square one.
I have his phone at the moment and I never want to give it back to him.

Maybe .. and I know it's not easy. Don't renew her contract. At 14, does she have money of her own, like pocket money, money from birthday gifts etc?
If so, she can pay for her next contract herself, or not.

If she's in your company, and actually just glued phone, that's disrespectful, terrible manners and such .. and your opportunity. You can ask for her phone at anytime she is on it, and in your company and she has to give it to you - unlocked so you can look through - you must be sure she is safe, probably just messaging too much with her friends.

We, the adults, enabled and continue to allow it. We also model similar behaviour, we show them that work, drinking or our favourite tv show is more important than tending to our family. Maybe it's bike rides, webinars or even, cooking - we show them that certain things are too important to be interrupted.

One of those things, let's face it, is our phone use. We set terrible examples.
@takingmytimeonmyride does this affect everyone in the household? Because if you have an unlimited data plan, then your children must know that your on your phones after 1130.

@PandaOrLion @YouCahnts @Tothepoint99 @JustTheOneSwan @Hbh17 Am in total agreement, just be ready for the ride.

Two daughters age 15 and 12. They both know the phone codes must not be changed. They have to hand over their phones for inspection of asked (I rarely do this because I am comfortable with what they do on their phones), youngest has to request parental permission before she is able to download any new apps, both ask permission for age related content (ie. Can I watch this on Netflix?).

I am the parent and it is my job to regulate. I pay the bill, I bought the phones and therefore they have no choice. That said, they are generally well behaved and I cannot even contemplate one of them screaming at me. It just doesn't happen but then we have always had boundaries. Eldest is going out Friday afternoon/evening with friends. Asked her to start walking home at 8. Didn't bat an eyelid. We talk to each other with respect but they absolutely know they couldn't get away with that kind of behaviour.

Use the parental controls built into the iPhones to limit her usage. You can limit time of day, length of time per app, all sorts of things.

I had teens. We had strict rule phones in between 4-6pm for home work and from 10pm for bed. (This was 15-17year) dd scream at first but eventually stopped and accepted it.

If my teenager were behaving like that, I would remove the phone altogether. They is extremely concerning behaviour and suggests an unhealthy "addiction".

My child is mid twenties now so I have had an actual real life teenager.

And there is no way I'd allow my child/teen to have a phone without knowing the code. Far too many dangers from unfettered internet access. You need to be monitoring her use of the internet, messaging apps and social media. No passcode, no phone.