I can't cope with My 12 year old DD anymore.

[MrsPeaches]

I honestly cannot cope with my 12 year old Daughter anymore.

She was such a kind, polite and well behaved child and now she's like a different person. She's screams and slams and kicks doors if she doesn't get her own way. She say the most awful things to me. She winds up her younger sister so much. I feel so bad on neighbours that they have to listen to her doing this. I'm terrified if they phone the police, and I don't blame them. The whole street has heard this today and I'm so embarrassed and drained of it. I've just cried in my room cause I can't bare to be around her anymore.

She has outburst like this once a month or so. They are horrible. It's usually when she has to clean her room. This started this morning because she's chucked a Teddy at her sister and it's smashed the glass out of her hand. So her phone has been taken away.

Her overall attitude is so entitled. She thinks she can take what she wants, when she wants. Shes talks to me like crap, calls me names. Nothing is going on in school, no bullying. Nothing has changed at all. She had counselling in school and there was nothing that raised concern for her to behave this way. No underlying issues. Me and her dad have tried so many things and we just feel like we are treading on eggshells all the time. She shares a room with her sister, as we can't afford a bigger home right now. We are saving but it will take some time. Her younger sister is having to come into our room at night as she will annoy her or wake her up and not leave her alone.

No matter what consequences we do, this is the end result. We have tried spending 1 to 1 time with her doing things she likes, she will end the day with a negative tone all the time.

We have gone through everything, even looked at our own parenting. Nothing is there to make her behaviour like this. We've been to the GP, school, counselling.

We are tired and so drained. I don't want to be around her right now. I want to drive my car somewhere far away and not come back to this. It's affected all of us in the house. My 9 year old does not want to be around her and I just want to walk away from it. Either that or I will self refer to social services as I can't keep living like this.

Sorry, I need to offload this to someone cause I'm just exhausted.

One thing that struck me is that you say it's every month that she kicks off. Do you think this is hormonal changes? Would it be worth taking her to the doctor? I know it's really really hard for you to tolerate this but she must feel really awful being so angry all the time.

We wondered this but she doesn't do this anywhere else. It's just towards me and her father. We spoke to the gp and he doesn't feel its hormonal and neither do we. If we give her her own way, she will instantly stop the outburst and be back to herself. So I'm just lost on the whole thing.

I am wondering about a hormonal element too.
Has she started her periods yet ?
I remember some spectacular outbursts from dd in the months before her periods started.

Sorry OP I cross posted with you.
What does she say about it, does she give any reasons for her behaviour ?

I was going to ask about hormones too. It might be worth noting down the days just in case there is a pattern.

Have been there, it will pass but at that time the other one will have turned into a teenage monster.
There is very little you can do except carefully pick your battles and try to ignore anything else.
What I found helpful was to negotiate a set pocket money amount that went by direct debit into her bank account and that gave her responsibility for funding for a lot of the things she wanted and not needed (things like meeting with her friends/cinema/ice cream/rubbish she buys in crap shops).
There are a few things that are non negotiable such as going to school, safety things etc but most other things (tidy room, what she wears etc) I simply ignore and just don't go into the room/ hope nobody sees me with her if she wears something particularly cringe worthy.
Social Services do not have ther resources or remit to do anything. They will not take annoying teenagers into care on parental demand.

Teenagers are overgrown toddlers - remember that and treat them as such.

it sounds hormonal- the fact she doesn’t behave like that elsewhere I would take as a good sign . But she clearly needs the release somewhere.

she isn’t getting privacy in her own home( my eldest dc had to share until mid teens so no judgement there) and it does make it harder for them when they need that alone time to decompress.

if this is once a month behaviour then I really would stop pathologising the poor girl. She already feels shit as evidenced by the acting out. don’t now make her feel unloveable/ unlikeable.

I don’t excuse any behaviour but don’t react , don’t escalate and then firmly but calmly impose consequences . The lack of phone / gadget is a good one- you may need to impose it for longer than a day though. Solidarity - kids are lovely between 7&11 then the hormones kick in!

Is it constant, or is it once a month?

It sounds fairly ‘normal’ - not desirable, but not so awful you should be so drained by it. It’s not personal, she’s just turning into a teenager. If you’re confident there’s nothing else going on - no changes at school, no upheaval at home or with friends - then you just need to hold the line of not tolerating unacceptable name-calling or behaviour. Is she repentant afterwards? Does she calm down and can you discuss it when she’s not angry? Are there particular triggers for her behaviour?

The idea of set pocket money is good. I would also establish strict boundaries - she loses some pocket money for even the slightest rudeness. If she follows up with door slamming, etc, then she loses more.

Even if she is hormonal, which she may very well be at her age, she needs to learn to control herself and stop making everyone unhappy.

This is the start of teenage hormones....it does get better!!! They are rough years...but stick to the boundaries!

Are you sure there isn’t something else going on? Sudden, significant behavioral changes can be a sign of a child being abused.

Dd is in sync with me so she’s learned to identify the symptoms. She hasn’t started her periods yet but she’ll come and ask if I’m due on because she’s feeling snappy and tearful. Identifying the reason has really helped Dd control it and ask for a hug. Dtds have now joined the cycle so I have had to explain to dh that his logical reasoning when it comes to discipline is not effective and they won’t necessarily be rational at these times so he needs to mind his phrasing… Fun times 😂

Oh and when any dc speaks to me inappropriately, I simply walk away and refuse to engage until I’m spoken to like a human being.

We don't react. We walk away and ignore or try and calmly talk to her. This makes it worse as she is not getting a reaction from us. The minute she gets her own way, this instantly stops. She's never been made to feel unlikeable or unlovable (I dont act negatively when she behaves like this as im trying to avoid this) She gets shown alot of love and we are close as a family, we spend time alone one and one with her to give her that equal amount of attention. This behaviour has gradually increased over the last couple of years for no particular reason. I don't know what else we can try. Her phone is gone for the day but that means we all have to put up with this behaviour till she gets her phone back or she will just walk out the house and have to go looking for her.

We thought about the sharing a room thing and privacy, but she genuinely goes into her room at night then wakes her sister up then we are back at this cycle again. Soon as we find a home in our budget, we will be moving but this doesn't solve the issue of the outburst.

She started her periods a year ago. We ask her why she does this and her response is because she can and we can't tell her what to do.

Sometimes it's a couple of times a month with the big outbursts like kicking doors and screaming. The smaller name calling and shouting happen quite alot when she doesn't get her own way or is in trouble for tormenting her younger sister. It is draining because we all suffer at home. I've held it all together but today it's come to ahead and I'm so tired and drained from it. She instantly stops if she gets her own way or she will leave the house and we will have to go looking for her. I can only explain it as like a switch that flips. We can't reason with her at all. This mood continues till the consequences for her behaviour have ended.

The triggers are when she is in trouble for bad behaviour or has to clean her room.

Does she do any sports or activities to challenge her energy? Girls rugby is a good one and gets out any angry or aggressive feelings in a positive way. Maybe a cadet group to promote responsibility, discipline etc maybe?

No abuse. She's only with me or her father and at close friends house who's Nan is in her 70s. I have spoken to her other friends parents and nothing seems to stick out to us at all. I thought is was bullying but everything seems to be fine at school.

She just seems to hate us and I don't know why.

My DS went this way but it was specifically when I asked him to tidy his room or change his sheets. I got very fed up so had a chat with him and when he was 15 I said that I was no longer prepared to set foot in his room other than as an invited guest. His clean clothes would be left outside his room, and if his dirty laundry wasn't in the laundry basket it could stay dirty on his floor. Crockery could fester under his bed, and his bed could stay unchanged until he dealt with it. All I would do would be to put clean linen outside his door. And that's how it was until he left home several years later.

He got much better at cleaning and I went in (when invited) to chat or play a computer game or two with him, but I never, ever did his cleaning again. We actually had a great relationship - we went back to being able to talk, laugh and have fun.

When you say she wants her own way… what kind of things does she want that you aren’t letting her have / do?

I know a friend of mine who acted out a bit like this as a teenager. Issue was that she had much younger siblings and some of the things she wanted to do were totally age appropriate for her, but her parents wouldn’t let her do them. We never worked out why, but they did seem to treat her in the same way as her siblings.

Not saying this is the case for you at all, but would it be something to think about?

We currently do this with pocket money. It gets deducted if she acts rudely. She doesn't seem to care though.

I'll go back to the gp again and see if I can get more support there. I want to help her as much as I can but she fights us at any chance.

I've booked a week away abroad next month for just me and her and right now, I just don't want to go.

I do not remember ever being like this at that age. It is horrible. It's not fair on her or anyone, even the neighbours. I'll go back and see if the gp can provide any support as surely there must be something to help with this if it is hormones! I'll continue with boundaries but I'm just so tired from it. We both work full time and we can never wind down.

Good idea about the cadets and rugby. I will look into this! She currently has a hiking type club after school and music as she loves singing. She has running club also. We was looking at some form of drama school for her as she likes that type of thing.

Have you two watched the it crowd episode on periods?

if you’ve not, you need to watch it together. It’s brilliant.

My older sister was a like this when she hit her teens. Bullied me and my mum - even got physically into fights with both of us.

I would say it’s hormonal and just what can happen at this time of life. I’m not sure if a GP could help. She wasn’t like this outside of the home. She did get bullied at school, but I’m not sure if that was part of it.

Part of it did seem to be about getting attention from our parents, as she was better when they weren’t at home.

She grew out of it, and we’re good friends now. But it did affect me and made me an angrier and more defensive person, as I had to stick up for myself. I would make sure your younger daughter is getting the help she needs, too.

She has outburst like this once a month or so. They are horrible. It's usually when she has to clean her room. This started this morning because she's chucked a Teddy at her sister and it's smashed the glass out of her hand. So her phone has been taken away.

Agree with pp who've suggested it might be hormonal. I also wonder if you're a bit on a hairtrigger with her? Chucking a teddy at her sister doesn't seem such a huge deal, and the fact that she smashed a glass was an accident.

I was going to say that taking her phone away might have been a bit much BUT she's only twelve and she shouldn't have full time access to a phone anyway. Do you monitor her phone use and her social media? If not, you need to start doing so urgently.

Good luck, she sounds like a handful!