I can't cope with My 12 year old DD anymore.

[MrsPeaches]

I honestly cannot cope with my 12 year old Daughter anymore.

She was such a kind, polite and well behaved child and now she's like a different person. She's screams and slams and kicks doors if she doesn't get her own way. She say the most awful things to me. She winds up her younger sister so much. I feel so bad on neighbours that they have to listen to her doing this. I'm terrified if they phone the police, and I don't blame them. The whole street has heard this today and I'm so embarrassed and drained of it. I've just cried in my room cause I can't bare to be around her anymore.

She has outburst like this once a month or so. They are horrible. It's usually when she has to clean her room. This started this morning because she's chucked a Teddy at her sister and it's smashed the glass out of her hand. So her phone has been taken away.

Her overall attitude is so entitled. She thinks she can take what she wants, when she wants. Shes talks to me like crap, calls me names. Nothing is going on in school, no bullying. Nothing has changed at all. She had counselling in school and there was nothing that raised concern for her to behave this way. No underlying issues. Me and her dad have tried so many things and we just feel like we are treading on eggshells all the time. She shares a room with her sister, as we can't afford a bigger home right now. We are saving but it will take some time. Her younger sister is having to come into our room at night as she will annoy her or wake her up and not leave her alone.

No matter what consequences we do, this is the end result. We have tried spending 1 to 1 time with her doing things she likes, she will end the day with a negative tone all the time.

We have gone through everything, even looked at our own parenting. Nothing is there to make her behaviour like this. We've been to the GP, school, counselling.

We are tired and so drained. I don't want to be around her right now. I want to drive my car somewhere far away and not come back to this. It's affected all of us in the house. My 9 year old does not want to be around her and I just want to walk away from it. Either that or I will self refer to social services as I can't keep living like this.

Sorry, I need to offload this to someone cause I'm just exhausted.

I totally empathise, though I have two teenage sons. They are beyond awful at the moment, filled with rage. They not only seemingly despise me and their dad (mainly me, as I’m the one who’s around the most) but they also can’t stand each other. I am so fed up of being a whipping post for them. They rant on and on and I can’t get away from it.

The only positive is that - away from the home - they are thought of well by others, praised for their manners etc. I’m sure the neighbours would disagree when they have to hear their tantrums!

My mum went through it with 3 sons and assures me it will get better! But it feels so relentless!

Could you read up on pms and see if there are any dietary changes/supplements which might help her?

I agree it may be hormonal if it’s the same time every month. The fact she’s only like that at home doesn’t mean it can’t be hormonal. Girls/women are very good at masking pain/emotions out in public and then to collapse once home and where there is a level of sanctuary to express your feelings….especially if it’s rage that has built up over a day of disappointments and irritations.

I think also it’s the start of the teenage years. Which to me were more challenging than the toddler years because you have the temper tantrums, the thinking it’s funny to be rude, all in a person that is likely bigger and stronger than you. You can honestly feel like a failure as a parent when teens go all stroppy, but don’t take it personally. Their hormones are raging, their bodies are changing, they’re dealing with more adults aspects of the world. It’s a tough time for them.

We simply held on to our tempers conscious we are role models for them. We corrected them and if they were being rude we’d shut down the conversation, if they were throwing a fit we’d just wait it out. We did listen as well because sometimes they have a valid point in amongst the “I hate yous” and other insults and drama llama stuff they get up to.

But it does pass. They come out the other end as lovely adults. But it is no joke, a very difficult phase of child rearing.

She shouldn't of chucked the Teddy at her sister knowing she has a glass in her hand. She's old enough to know this. She only ended up having her phone removed when she started screaming at me. So it wasn't due to smashing the glass, it was due to her behaviour after it.

She doesn't have full time access and no social media. I have Google family on her devices that monitor this and screen time.

To everyone else, she's a very sweet, polite well behaved girl. And she really is when she wants to be but gradually over the last 2 years, she's just turned this way.

This is exactly the same outside the home and extended friends and family. She is very well behaved and polite. Very kind but towards me and her father, it's like Satan takes over. Nobody would believe me if I told them she was like this towards us. My dad has 7 girls and he said none of us was this hormonal 😂 it just seems never ending and I think I've let it boil in my head over time and today I just crashed I guess. I hope it gets better!

We have just spoken over text and I think this is a better way to communicate for her. We had a chat about things. So at least that is something!

She is testing her boundaries with you & trying to pull away as is necessary in teenage years. There's books about this stage, sorry can't think what they are now, but Lorraine candy's one is great. In my experience, the closer (clingier!!) a girl is with her parents in younger years the tougher this phase is.. my dd was horrific from 10-12..14 & so much better now. Hold on, she'll be back xx

That sounds really tough OP. I had some tough times with my DS in the early teen years but he came out the other side. Like a PP, I gave him clean bed linen and let him look after his own room cleaning. I just avoided the area! My teen DD seems to have avoided the bad behaviour thankfully - so far anyway. A friend of mine had similar hormonal outbursts with her young teen DD and started giving her Evening Primrose Oil supplements regularly. She found that it really helped with her moods and behaviour. Might be worth a try. Best of luck.

Yes they are definitely more challenging than the toddler years. I told my dad I'd have a 100 toddlers anytime! I do feel like a failure and I'm terrified in case neighbours contact the police or something due to the slamming and kicking. It's just so hard.

We are usually very open with eachother and can talk about anything but she seems to shut us out now. I'm guessing that's an age thing. I've learnt to not react and to walk away, go sit in the garden or something but she'll follow me still at it. It's so, so difficult and I know I have to handle this so carefully. The situation that happened this morning, I was trying to listen to both girls about what had happened and she just started screaming and shouting. I'm taking her to a country park now to have a proper chat about things away from the house.

You may be correct. She was very close to me as a baby and growing up. So possibly why she sees me as number 1 enemy! She's 13 in October, I'm holding out hope that this gets easier.

I feel alot better now I've got this out.

I think once we have the extra room for her own space, the room cleaning side will not be as hectic as it is now. I think cause they both share the room, it's messier than is would of been if they was separate.

I will try the primrose oil, thank you!

OP- Have you read The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Phillippa Perry? She writes some good advice about teenagers x

That she’s ok outside the home, and directing it towards her immediate family puts it right up there as absolutely normal behaviour for her age group. She’s testing her boundaries with you and here dad because she knows it’s absolutely safe to do so with you, you’ll still love her regardless.
It does sound hormone driven, but to be on the safe side I’d keep a wee note in my diary of when it happens to see if there’s a pattern. I’m very surprised at the GP not thinking it’s hormonal, in the absence of anything else though.

Just to say that it can be hard to know if things ok at school - they may not tell you and school may not know or not tell either. My DD went through similar phase, turns out she had been victim of emotional abuse from another child for previous two years. She didn’t tell and school didn’t know until it came out via another child speaking up.

I really feel for you. We're actually moving house as we have a neighbour, a bit younger, like this. Has made our lives a misery

This sounds very similar to my daughter who began displaying this type of behaviour around 12/13 years old. Very challenging and extremely stressful.

Google PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance). As soon as I read the description I knew what I/we were dealing with.

I feel for you, I really do. She's coming up to 18 soon and is definitely alot better but my God she definitely tested me at times and if I'm honest I questioned if I still wanted to be here as life was pretty unbearable.

Just an update everyone.

We have had a big chat the last few days and she opened up about a few things.

She's told me a boy at school keeps touching her bum and she's told him to stop but he keeps doing it. She also said that her group of friends keep cutting her out of things. Like they'll take a picture and put her right at the back or out of the way. They are nasty to her if she doesn't do what they do. She said she'd like to move school as she's fed up of everything and is struggling to deal with it. I asked why didn't she tell me or a teacher at school, she told a teacher, but not me as she was obviously scared of losing her friends. I have a meeting in school next week to discuss everything and I want to know why this has been kept from me and what is being done as the school have never mentioned it. I will possibly look at moving schools. She seems so fed up. She dropped the I don't care mask and she looks so sad.

We feel horrible that she's been dealing with this and we never knew. But now we can deal with it and get her the correct support. She's such a bright girl and it's tearing her apart.

As for the boy that keeps touching her, I'll looking at where I can go with this! If anyone has any experience in this, please let me know what I can do.

Thanks for all the advice everyone 😌

I have apologised to the neighbours and assured them we are doing the best we can to get through it. One neighbour totally gets it as she has a teenage son but the other side are not impressed at all with us, they have an 8 year old daughter. But I can only apologise and continue to work through it.

We are viewing a house today with 3 beds so I'm hoping it's a good fit. It's a detached too so no neighbours!

I hope your new neighbours are quiet for you 😊

OP, have you reported the boy sexually assaulting your daughter? What have the school done about it?

Hi @MrsPeaches so sorry you are having such a struggle with your DD and all her issues at the moment. If it's any comfort I could have written your post almost word for word 8 years ago when my DD was 12 and going through hormonal changes and issues with friends at school. Re the teacher not saying anything to you, I don't know how they are trained to handle these things but wonder if she was trying to establish some trust with your daughter?

You sound like a fabulous mum and trust me your lovely DD is still in there, just not as easy to find at this age! Well done on the meeting plans, my advice is to write down what you might want to say and perhaps make notes while you are there. Try to keep as calm as you can but be as assertive as possible and ask for their plans to deal with the harrassment from the boy, I would have a zero tolerance approach to that one, he needs to stop it , and fast, end of.

The girls are a more 'tricky situation' as she might want some degree of friendship, without bullying. I wonder at one point in the day they are using their phones to be nasty. If it's during the school day then the school should be taking the responsibility for that. I used to have almost daily chats with my DD and her awful 'friends' , it was an struggle to witness, one day she came home after breaking down at the end of a class, luckily a more pleasant pupil witnessed it and gave her some friendship after that. Now she has opened up to you it is a good start, being there with a listening ear will be a relief for her.

I think outside and other interests are a godsend as these will give her enjoyment, distraction and help to build confidence. I am grateful that my DD found a martial arts club as this helped immensely. I also got some over the counter remedies for the hormonal times but the GP should be able to help also.

I know exactly what you mean about the neighbours, what I would have given for a detached house at times! I have hope that in a few years time she will have come out of the other side of this a on the way to being a wonderful young lady.

Yes! I had a meeting today. His parents where mortified to be honest. They was really apologetic. I'm back in Friday to talk about next steps. I do know the boy has been removed from school for the next 2 weeks. My daughter starts counselling next week. I don't want her sent back whilst the boy is in the school.

We are looking at moving schools though. I don't think she'll ever be truly happy there now. She went on a school trip today and her friends all left her and she went on the rides alone. So most important thing for us is to support her as best we can.

Thank you for this post. I really appreciate it! I'm glad you're through the other side any your DD is doing good 😊

I have noticed her being singled out and excluded. Quite alot has come out over the weekend and it's so scary how much she hidden and kept in, without us knowing. There's things like her being pressured to spend money on her friends or trying to steal and ecig out of our house for her friend. I kept a close eye on her phone activity but I never saw anything. Turns out you can archive chats then hide the folder. My daughter showed me the messages and the fact 12 year old girls act and talk the way they do, is awful. I have a good right to send the messages to their parents.

I'll have more info on what steps the school are taking this Friday. I do know he's been excluded for two weeks. The teacher she told was the school Councillor/support. So that's why it wasn't mentioned to me. I still wish it was though.

We will get there! It'll take abit of work but it'll be ok. Thank you.

Good news op. It just goes to show there is always something going on they are dealing with and it's never just a teenager being rude for the sake of it.

Well done OP, step by step things are moving though I know it feels an uphill struggle. Give your DD all the love and positivity you can, girls this age can be awful. Good luck with the school changing if that's where you are heading. Glad you are feeling supported here.

If it is a hormonal problem, she is unable to control it.

It sounds to me that obviously to get her to stop you have to give her away. I think you need some boundaries pronto. Workout the majority of things in her life our privilege not right. Say her phone for example that’s a privilege. Television time does the privilege. Work out what matters to her right now and these things of course will keep changing. But there is nothing to be gained by running away. She’s playing this game to see how far she can push you guys.