Asking my OH to move in with me and my 16 yo DD.

[KrispiBrains]

I have considering asking my partner to move in with me, and my 16yo DD. Financially it makes sense, and we have been in a relationship for 3 years. My issue is how my DD took the idea. She was positively apoplectic.
To let you understand, it is just me and my daughter. My parents died years ago and DDs other grandparents are in touch sporadically. VERY sporadically. My partner and I are not a lovely dovey couple by any stretch of the imagination. DD and OH get on like a house on fire when he's here, and like the same kinds of films, etc, and take great pleasure in ganging up to prank me or generally take the Mick out of me (which I'm happy to go along with of it means they're getting along).
She says that him moving in will ruin my relationship with her, and that she will not be able feel free in her own home. She's even threatened to go and live with her aunt if it goes ahead! My sister, to set the scene, is 47 and still treats my daughter like an 8 year old. She has no children of her own, and is therefore incredibly protective of her niece. I can't even speak to my sister about the situation as she already thinks I'm a terrible mother for working full time when I have a child to take care of! But as I'm trying to make my DD understand, she IS growing up. There's no avoiding it. Yet she still relies on me to get her up in the morning, make her lunch, make sure she has the right books for school etc. I just feel backed into a corner. I feel like everyone and everything is against me at the moment. My OH is being great about it, but doesn't understand why I can't just say, "this is happening, deal with it". Am I being too soft on my DD? Or is she right, and I shouldn't even be considering it? I wish my mum was still here. She'd know what to do 😞 Thank you for reading and any comments/tips would be greatly appreciated.

I would wait.
16 years old is a difficult age and she may well feel very uncomfortable with an unrelated man living in the house.
If you move him in and she moves out, would you consider that a price worth paying to live with him?

I couldn't go through with it after she said she wouldn't be free in her own home. I think that's a very powerful statement. I would be inclined to wait. Your relationship with your daughter is more important than anything else.

I'd wait. She'll move out before long and then you can move in whoever you like. If he's a decent man he'll understand a couple of years isn't the end of the world.

But I would back off on the other stuff - she is getting a bit old to need all that done for her.

Listen to her, it's only a few more years.

I agree with @ladydimitrescu.

I would wait it out too. She may go off to uni at 18 and you won’t see her for dust.
with regards to her being woken in the mornings that’s her problem to solve, so is making packed lunches and making sure she has the right books. My dd is 12 and has been making her lunches since she was 8. She wakes at 6am to get herself ready to leave for 7am to go catch the bus to school to the next town. She packs her books the night before after she’s made her lunch and put it in the fridge.

Everyone is different and only you know the answer. I have a DD and if I was in your position, I would wait until she’s flown the nest! She’ll thank you for in the long run, the fact that she quite rightly was your priority will mean a lot to her. I wouldn’t have anyone in my house that wasn’t welcomed by my DD too!

I wouldn't go through with it. Your relationship with your daughter is too important.

I would wait another couple of years, until she finishes school.
I can see why she'd be uncomfortable - maybe she would not be able to lounge around in short pyjamas / an unrelated man in the bathroom etc.

I agree with your daughter. It was just me and Mum growing up until about 15 and her boyfriend appeared.

It was very hard having him stay, I'd never lived with a man and it made me very uncomfortable. I couldn't hang out in pj's and got very worried about my laundry being on display and things like that. Him possibly finding out about my periods etc was just horrifying for me.

We got along fairly well day to day and like your daughter enjoyed ganging up on Mum and teasing etc but him moving in made me feel like I couldn't be me in my home and I left at 16 as I just didn't feel safe anymore.

Tough one as you are also entitled to a life , people saying wait until she leaves what if that isn't for 10 years
My auntie did similar and then in about 3/4 years all kids moved out and she was alone and still is as her youngest was dead against my auntie moving etc so a little different
Maybe put on hold for 6 months or so but on that time start giving her more responsibility
I have a 16 year old and live with dh, but he ges himself up , sorts his own lunch mostly and is pretty independant, we help from time to time of course and give lifts when we can , but we work as well and he is more than capable
Maybe then have discussion again in 6 months as they do so much growing up at that age

She's right, she wouldn't be free in her own home.

Having a completely unrelated adult man in her home would change things.

at 16 cant you see why it might make her uncomfortable?

She says that him moving in will ruin my relationship with her, and that she will not be able feel free in her own home.

The biggest thing you can ever do for your children is listen.

I would wait for my DD, you need to empathise with her here. Her relying on you doing stuff for her is a separate issue.

I’d wait only for a few years and then she’ll be off to uni etc. I would stop babying her with lunches and books. Help her create a system( storage/ timetable on wall type stuff) that works for her and then back off.

Please don't move him in. Your daughter sounds like a wise girl who told you exactly how she feels, if you move him in you are making it very clear that he is your priority. Wait a few years and most likely she will be glad there is someone around so she doesn't feel guilty leaving you

Your boyfriends response 'just deal with it' says a lot about how he feels about your daughter and how he would behave towards her. I'd probably dump him for that attitude, not move him in.

Wait. Two years will pass really quickly and if he loves you, he won't mind.

Wait until she’s 18 and hopefully off to uni? Is she likely to leave home?

it might not seem reasonable to you but when have 16 year olds ever been reasonable.

I'd wait. It's not worth it at that age. They're too combative.

I was in a similar position when DD was 16, and didn't move him in. DD and I have always been very close - her father isn't involved at all. She's since been to university, was very happy there and is living back home with me and working full time (and will be 25 this year). No boyfriends around for either of us although we both have active (and entirely separate) social lives.

I don't regret anything but to those saying that teenagers move out when they're 18 - it's very common these days for young adults to stay at home. All DD's friends, also mid twenties, are still at home.

My friend has been seeing a new man since Jan and has just booked a summer holiday for them and her 2 DD's. The eldest (16) is understandably livid and is refusing to go.

My friend thinks her DD is old enough to accept the situation but I can't quite believe the lack of sensitivity from a normally sensible woman.
Like other posters I've suggested she just dials it down until DD goes to uni.

100% agree with this! Please listen to your daughter. If your relationship has been working as is for three years why do you need to change the dynamic now. She is still a child and doesn't have the option to move out, wait until she is older. And your boyfriend has no right to comment on how to deal with her!