Asking my OH to move in with me and my 16 yo DD.

[KrispiBrains]

I have considering asking my partner to move in with me, and my 16yo DD. Financially it makes sense, and we have been in a relationship for 3 years. My issue is how my DD took the idea. She was positively apoplectic.
To let you understand, it is just me and my daughter. My parents died years ago and DDs other grandparents are in touch sporadically. VERY sporadically. My partner and I are not a lovely dovey couple by any stretch of the imagination. DD and OH get on like a house on fire when he's here, and like the same kinds of films, etc, and take great pleasure in ganging up to prank me or generally take the Mick out of me (which I'm happy to go along with of it means they're getting along).
She says that him moving in will ruin my relationship with her, and that she will not be able feel free in her own home. She's even threatened to go and live with her aunt if it goes ahead! My sister, to set the scene, is 47 and still treats my daughter like an 8 year old. She has no children of her own, and is therefore incredibly protective of her niece. I can't even speak to my sister about the situation as she already thinks I'm a terrible mother for working full time when I have a child to take care of! But as I'm trying to make my DD understand, she IS growing up. There's no avoiding it. Yet she still relies on me to get her up in the morning, make her lunch, make sure she has the right books for school etc. I just feel backed into a corner. I feel like everyone and everything is against me at the moment. My OH is being great about it, but doesn't understand why I can't just say, "this is happening, deal with it". Am I being too soft on my DD? Or is she right, and I shouldn't even be considering it? I wish my mum was still here. She'd know what to do 😞 Thank you for reading and any comments/tips would be greatly appreciated.

I think you should wait - will she go away to uni? I'd be really pissed off at your sister, though - sounds like she's trying to take over from you.

Whats the rush ? You' ve got years to live together and living together often enivitably makes a fresh relationship somewhat stale, after a time.
At 16 l would have hated my Mum moving a man in, put yourself in her shoes, she obviously wont be viewing the scenario the same as you.
I live alone with two sons age 17 and 20, l couldn't stand the thought of having a man around trying to tell us what to do and invading our space and routine, but thats just me. l would also be wary of the "advice" he' s trying to give to you as in his needs come first.

I think your dd is right. It will,change everything. At the moment everyone is happy. They get on with each other and the you and your boyfriend are enjoying your relationship.

I don't think you can blame your dd for being dependent on you. It's your job to help her become independent.

Get her a louder alarm clock or one of those lamp ones that wake you up gradually. Help her plan what she wants to make for lunches. One of my DD's makes Cous Cous for her school lunches but she didn't just walk up one day and start making it.

Yet she still relies on me to get her up in the morning, make her lunch, make sure she has the right books for school etc. this needs to stop, she should be learning to look after herself more by now. Your sisters needs to butt out, but I agree with everyone who says wait until she is a little older.

Sorry OP but I agree that you should wait until your DD is an adult and living independently before moving in your boyfriend. I agree your relationship with your DD is more important. It’s also the best way to ensure her security and safety at home. Your boyfriend should have no say and frankly, his advice to just say “this is happening, deal with it" is chilling. If he truly cared about your DD even a little bit he would not say that. Them “getting along like a house on fire” is plainly all on the surface and performative for your benefit on his end. Don’t do it.

Like hell would i move a man in to live with a teenage daughter. It would destroy your relationship and her sense of home.

I have to say I think this completely different. Presumably there would be 2 rooms and it is just for holiday. Moving a man into the house hook, line and sinker is completely different.

I wouldn't wait indefinitely until she flies the nest, I would probably wait until she's 18 and leaves school.

Ugh I wouldn't. Your daughter number one, and just the fact you'd go from lover to mother. Now you can see him when you want, have time with your daughter and yourself without having to see his dirty boxers or what have you cluttering up your life.

You're not being unreasonable to consider it. You have considered it, and bearing in mind what your daughter has said, it's not the right time.

I think you should wait at least until she is 18 and more independent before moving him in.

Op I want to give some advice as a person who from your post seems to be identical to your daughter, you need to make compromises and find out what's really important to your daughter in terms of spending time with you.

For me it's important that me and my mum have a drink of tea and watch gogglebox together on an evening (i cried at the thought of that going away) so we moved it to an earlier time before he came home from work so we could get some time together.

Maybe go for coffee or to the cinema once a week just the two of you, trust me i'm not trying to guilt you but it's so incredibly hard because a man brings a different dynamic into the house and she probably feels like he's taking you away from her even though you know that will never happen.

Also it wouldn't go amiss to make it clear he won't be a new parent to her, it will be better for them to have a friendly relationship but my biggest fear was that he was going to turn into the stepfather from hell and try ordering me around and it sounds like that's not what you want.

I cried for weeks about my mum's boyfriend moving in before we sat down and she reassured me and now we sit and watch films together every friday and he came with us to help me look at flats

At this age, it will be hard for your daughter to have your partner leaving under the same roof. She is 16 so she will leaving shortly for college or getting a job in the next 2 years so better wait until them to move your partner in.

My OH is being great about it, but doesn't understand why I can't just say, "this is happening, deal with it".

I wouldn’t say he’s being great about it if that’s his attitude. If anyone thought my children should just ‘deal with it’ about such a big change to their life, then I would be looking carefully at my relationship with that person. It shows a complete lack of consideration for her very valid concerns. Living with someone, especially a man when you are a teen girl, would be quite daunting I think. My children would hate it. Wait til she’s older and only if his attitude and level of empathy improves!

Your DD is going through a phase she doesn't understand herself at this age? Exams, life changing decisions and puberty. And you want to move someone in.
It's possibly the wrong time for her. And in the long run for you all.

My poor niece.
Her mother moved in with her BF.
Her father moved in with his GF.

And nobody asked my DN what she thought or whether she’d like it or if it was something she could tolerate or handle.

Then the bed wetting and sleepwalking started, and still nobody thought to look inward. They all looked towards 8 yr old DN.

I mean…

Creepy response by your boyfriend!

Wait until she is 18. In the meantime stop doing so much for her- she is old enough to get married FFS.

Although I personally don't know why any grown woman wants a man getting his feet under her table.

I would wait! It's not fair to her at all.

I would wait but only until she's finished secondary education. After that she will either be off to uni or starting her life as an adult so there's no reason not to make that a line in the sand.

I wouldn't however be getting a 16 year old up, making her lunch or ensuring she has everything she needs for her day unless there are SEN issues.

Not a chance would I move an unrelated man into my home with teenage DD.

She told you she wouldn't feel comfortable in her own home. You can't ignore that.

His reaction is a red flag.

She’s too old now to live with with a random new adult. I’d wait. IME men are shit to live with anyway. Enjoy these last 2 years together

You say in first few lines you have considered asking him to move in

But your last few lines kind of sound like hes expecting to move in and for your daughter to like it or lump it. Why would he say this if you're only considering asking him? It sounds like he's already asked you or you've asked him and then spoke to dd afterwards and because dd isn't sharing the excitement he comes out with this.

My OH is being great about it, but doesn't understand why I can't just say, "this is happening, deal with it"

Doesn't sound like he's being great at all, your dd feels like your relationship with her will change and that she won't be free in her own home, and his attitude is like tough shit I'm moving in anyway? Does dd see something in him you don't? If that's his attitude to her perfectly valid feelings then she's probably right, she wouldn't feel free in her own and your relationship with her could be damaged.

Him being great about it would be him acknowledging where she's coming from and understanding his presence as a guest some nights a week to actually living there full time will indeed be a big change for her, and saying "let's leave it for now, I don't want to make her uncomfortable in her own home"