Holiday with Teenager - Never Again?

[AdviceNeeded367]

Our track record with holidays is making me want to never go on holiday with DS14 ever again.

2021 - Camping with friends - came home early due to DS behaviour

2022 - Trip to seaside city, DS moaned every fucking day and made the trip absolutely miserable.

Easter 2022 - On our Easter 2020 Butlin’s break, which is something we used to really enjoy doing together. DS is absolutely vile unless we’re doing what he wants to do, and only when he wants to do it.

This “holiday” has made me really depressed. In the two weeks running up to it, DS has been so horrible and his behaviour has deteriorated so much that he’s punched me a couple of times.

I’ve booked tickets to take him to see his favourite artist in a few weeks and have told him we’re not going.

I feel like I’m at a point now where I’ve tried a few things that he’s previously enjoyed and he’s still aggressive, rude and bad tempered, and so I’m not doing it again.

Has anyone else stopped taking their teen on holiday?

I would suggest being very specific about what DS needs to do to "win" back his concert. Don't make it insurmountable as it seems such a shame not to go when it's already paid for.

I can't comment on the punching or ADHD and autism, but I would say the thing with teens is they seem to reject quite categorically things they enjoyed before.

We go as an extended family for a weeks break to the UK. DS16 seems to accept that one quite happily. Anything else is a bit hit or miss. We've booked Lanzarote with a pal of his for October but now slightly worried as they have discovered alcohol and girls in between booking and now so keeping an eye on them will be tricky.

I've just increased the number of trips away with friends and DH and I are going to try leaving him for a couple of nights during the Jubilee so we can go camping with the dog.

Early teens is hardest as you can't leave them on their own.

I stopped when she was 13-14 with mine. We always had a holiday together, just us two. She enjoyed choosing where to go, I’m a book by the pool type of person, and so is she. I didn’t care if she slept till midday. But boy was she vile. Absolutely awful. But then she would flip again saying she knows I need a bit of peace and quiet, that she sees how hard I work and how utterly shattered I am most of the time, but she just wants to go home. Not her fault I have to cook and clean at home, she didn’t ask to be born. We were in an amazing part of the world, and yes, it did have fucking Wi-Fi and a pool. And it still wasn’t enough.
I told her it’s the last time I’m suggesting she comes on holiday, I love spending time with her, she’s my favourite human being, but I’m wait till she gets her shit together and actually wants to come with me.
The trouble is, we’ve always had 2-3 holidays abroad since she was born, she’s been everywhere, so now she’s like: oh, I’ve been there, not that fussed.

I remember being a bit of a pain on holiday at that age. I’m embarrassed by it looking back now. He will almost certainly come out the other side but it is a tricky age for holidays I think.

I foster teenagers so all my holidays involve them, and I’ve faced so many of the above issues. What I find most successful is to book an apartment in the centre of a town, and if possible take one of their friends. That way I can go off and explore/eat nice food and they can sit in the apartment with YouTube, a Chinese takeaway and venture out occasionally if they want to. I found taking any expectations away really helped! And you can pretty much choose where to go as they don’t care as long as there is WiFi.

I thinking the professionals excluding the ASD and ADHD from the picture is a bit short-sighted, to be honest. My DS with ADHD struggles massively with the change of routine involved in going on holiday - massively improved by being on meds, but he was still articulating feeling "homesick" at being away from his norm, and it was VERY noticeable when the meds wore off on the Eurostar 😁

I know it's so difficult when you're on holiday and wanting to just enjoy it, but I do find that if I can shelve the "for FUCK'S sake" feeling and have a proper chat about what's at the root of the whingeing, that really helps knock it on the head. I know it's easier said than done!

As a PS, is your son also hypermobile (particularly common in neurodiverse people)? If so, the walking and standing around involved on hols might be vey physically taxing (a problem for my DS). Just an extra thought....

Yeah, I'm starting to think that this is what our holidays may have to look like for a few years. DS1 is 14 and last summer he was grumpy and difficult if he didn't have constant access to WiFi (which he didn't - we were in national parks and other remote areas some of the time). DH said several times that he didn't want to take him away again and there were moments where it really ruined what was otherwise an amazing holiday. The problem is that I LOVE to travel and quite literally live for my holidays, so not going for several years, particularly after two shit years of Covid, is not an option. For now we'll persevere and I want to try another big holiday next year, when he'll be 15, but I will be involving him in the planning of it. And if it's a disaster, then it will be AI for a few years, where we can leave him in the hotel room and go out and do things without him!

rookiemere
I can't believe you're* *suggesting that a violent teen who hit his mother several times can just "win" back the concert tickets.
It's giving in like this that makes kids think that they don't need to be accountable and responsible for their actions.
In my world the tickets are gone and only after no more violent behaviour for several months would I even think of organising another treat.
Kids have to learn that in adult life behaviour like this is not tolerated and has serious consequences if they are violent and aggressive.
There are so many threads about abuse on MN and teaching and curbing this behaviour at a young age surely is the only way to reduce this.
Violence is unacceptable, to anyone at any age.

I'm getting pretty tired of people who think that male violence directed towards women is a feature of asd/adhd. Utter shit.

Op. The next time he assaults you call the police and tell him that's what you'll do.

"He says it's ok because he didn't leave a mark"?

Ffs.

And sell the fucking tickets and buy yourself something nice

@AdviceNeeded367 you're right I have no experience of teen violence. I don't mean to excuse it in any way. I don't know in this case if it's linked to the ADHD and Autism- I would expect it is.

I would say though removing everything that someone enjoys for extremely long periods doesn't seem likely to improve their behaviour.

Teens of this age need their friends. I continued to take mine on holiday until they were around 16 but always with a friend from around age 13

Reading this thread and it’s an eye opener, some people’s children are bloody awful. That said, camping with the kids when they were younger we all sat stunned into silence by the mum in the next tent screaming at her two DC to complete their diaries, how I don’t ask a lot from you, we’ve paid a lot to come away and it resulted in her shouting to forget it, we’re going home and they packed up, leaving later. My DC sat agog grateful they weren’t on the receiving end of it.

And you can pretty much choose where to go as they don’t care as long as there is WiFi

Very noble. But I’m not paying £££ for them to sit in watching you tube - they can stay home and do that for free.

I truly believe this is a big issue with kids these days, the world they experience through their phones and consoles excites them more than the real thing. It’s frightening how many youngsters are absolutely addicted and obsessed with YouTube, TikTok and Insta. It’s not even down to parenting it’s simply the world around them is now built this way, it’s what happens when you’re born into a world where this is normal, they don’t actually know any different.

When ‘life’ online has filters and immediate connections to peers and you can not distinguish the boundaries then I suppose trudging around the seaside with your DPs is going to seem more akin to punishment instead of a treat.

Throw in teenage hormones and boom.

Just got back from a very difficult few days visiting my parents with 14 and 9 year old. 14 year old was awful and even my dear old dad lost his temper which never happens!
In a way glad to hear its not just mine.

@AdviceNeeded367 - I would question the knowledge and understanding of the professionals who told you this is “typical teenage behaviour” rather ASD/ADHD specific. He is still autistic and has ADHD and is also a teenager with the stresses and hormone changes that are part of this time.

Is your DS on medication? Does he like holidays and want to go? Or would he be happier at home (if you have, for example, a grandparent who might be able to stay with him, which I appreciate might not be possible)

ASD and ADHD affect every aspect of a person’s functioning, understanding and relationship to the world, all through life and regardless of how ‘mildly’ affected others might see them as being.

I have two children with ASD.

Holidays I have to say were ok but not a holiday so much for me.

Holidays only worked because we did the same thing each year. We did center Parcs and the familiarity worked.

They are now older teens and adults and have fond memories.

I found trying to do anything outside our box holiday was too much, too stressful, and too much me having to cope with the fall out.

Kids with ASD easily get overwhelmed and the grumpy teens is often 'I'm not coping and I can't process the changes quickly enough'.

All I can say is thank heavens for centre parcs and that each venue is fairly similar. It was a Godsend in younger years.

Is he an only child? Have you ever considered bringing one of his friends with you?

I agree with others who have said the punching is not normal teenage behaviour and you are doing the right thing to cancel the tickets as a consequence. I have taken large groups of teenagers on trips for school and they are generally quite happy and compliant when they are with their friends, although will still display much teenage grunting when asked to do something like be ready at a certain time. They can certainly be cajouled into a number of activities. I wonder if the secret to successful family holidays with teens is to bring a friend for them? I realise that is extra expense and responsibility but might it might allow for at least UK holidays to still happen. Teenagers are basically overgrown toddlers, they aren't capable of internalising any of their feelings so they like to vocalise every little thing that is causing them discomfort. They have no awareness of how bad they might be making you feel and won't let you know they've enjoyed themselves.....ever. I taught a student for 5 years, was convinced she hated me, reluctant to talk to me, sullen, all round hard work. Imagine my surprise to recieve a card when she left telling me I was her favourite teacher. They are hard work, my kids are on the cusp of being proper teens and I am not sure I am ready for it.

My mother has video footage of me at age 15 in a hotel in Malta furiously brushing my hair (practically ripping it out with each stroke). Why? Because my parents had the audacity to take me on holiday for two weeks away from my friends. I was genuinely furious.

Honestly, teenagers are such twats!!

I had a full time apprenticeship at age 16 and when I was 17 I asked my parents if they would mind paying for me to accompany them on their holiday abroad.

I was politely told to sod off 😂😂.

The behaviour blew up because I had to get him up for breakfast. He has no concept of time and stays in bed until I’m ready to go out the door and then becomes aggressive when I’m trying to get him to leave. It’s the same for school every morning and I’ve told him that he can get himself up from now on and get his own breakfast. I’m done with the daily abuse.

Re finding a place with wifi - no way I’m paying £££ for him to stay in on technology. I’d rather put it towards a week at PGL and not have the shitty attitude the rest of the time.

Re taking a friend. He has no friends to take. We went on holiday with a friend of mine and her son last summer and we had to leave early because DS was so foul. Not sure my friendship is going to recover actually.

We were in a good routine of spending time together every day, watching some Netflix in the evening but after seeing him be so aggressive, I’m so disgusted by him. My depression is back and I don’t want to spend any time with him. He’s at my mums now and tbh I don’t want him back.

@AdviceNeeded367 it sounds so tough and maybe some time apart is what is needed.

Unfortunately a natural part of teens getting older is moving emotionally away from their DPs. Maybe a PGL holiday for him and you do something you would enjoy is the way forward for the next couple of years. It does sound as if you need a break and a surly teen is not the ideal travelling companion.

That is so spot on...

that said, I'm planning some city breaks with my 14 yr old in next 3 months. I'm glad I read this thread, I need to double check with DS and not assume he'll be ok for these plans now, just because he was ok with them a few weeks ago.

He has ASD, no friends and spends most of his time in his room presumably online. He sounds very much like my DS who hates going on holiday, the change in routine terrifies him. He can cope so long as he is in control in his only very narrow world even though he is now 25. The violence is obviously totally unacceptable and there is no excuse for that.
when mine was a teenager he came on holiday with us but we quickly accepted that he would hate it but we had other children who couldn’t miss out. Now he never goes away even if we offer to pay, his choice.
I don’t think most of the people on this thread have any idea how ASD can restrict their lives and it’s not just them being rude but is sheer panic.
My advice is to come down like a ton of bricks on the violence but accept that holidays are almost painful for him. Can you get a grandparent to stay with him while you go away on your own?

Oh dear OP, that sounds so hard. We’ve had a couple of stinker ‘holidays’ with DS1 - who’s NT but a total drama llama. You sound totally fed up, and as a lone parent you never get a break from being the punching bag (literally at times it appears).

have you ever tried family therapy? from the outside it looks like your relationship with your son needs a fresh approach and you maybe need to find some new parenting tools. He’s growing up, and relationships with children have to change over time. It sounds like you are stuck in a pattern of you determinedly wanting him to behave in certain ways, or do certain things, which he simply cannot or will not do just because you want him to. I think all parents have to deal with this as children grow up, whether they are NT or otherwise.

what is he good at? when is he at his best? What do you like about him?

what’s he like in school? Does he have any friends there? It seems like you are pushing him to ‘make friends’ a lot, which he clearly finds very difficult and stressful, so maybe you could pull back on that?. I know my shy DS2 would absolutely hate if I tried to engineer friendships with other children just because they are the same age as him or because I’m friends with their parents.