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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Holiday with Teenager - Never Again?

83 replies

AdviceNeeded367 · 21/04/2022 13:25

Our track record with holidays is making me want to never go on holiday with DS14 ever again.

2021 - Camping with friends - came home early due to DS behaviour

2022 - Trip to seaside city, DS moaned every fucking day and made the trip absolutely miserable.

Easter 2022 - On our Easter 2020 Butlin’s break, which is something we used to really enjoy doing together. DS is absolutely vile unless we’re doing what he wants to do, and only when he wants to do it.

This “holiday” has made me really depressed. In the two weeks running up to it, DS has been so horrible and his behaviour has deteriorated so much that he’s punched me a couple of times.

I’ve booked tickets to take him to see his favourite artist in a few weeks and have told him we’re not going.

I feel like I’m at a point now where I’ve tried a few things that he’s previously enjoyed and he’s still aggressive, rude and bad tempered, and so I’m not doing it again.

Has anyone else stopped taking their teen on holiday?

OP posts:
Ylvamoon · 21/04/2022 17:03

DD was like this on our last family holiday in 2019. Uncooperative, obnoxious and a face like a slapped arse!
Luckily lockdown safed us from more family drama. And now 2 years on, she is 18 and going away with her boyfriend!
(... just DS (12.& still a baby at heart) to enjoy that dreaded teenage holiday with...)

Bedsheets4knickers · 21/04/2022 17:06

@AdviceNeeded367

He’s 14. He has ADHD & ASD but professionals involved have told me that his current behaviour is more “typical teenager” and less his autism & ADHD.

When he’s at school, he’s mostly fine as we have a routine where he is in his room afterwards other than for dinner. He doesn’t have any friends in the community so no one to play out with. All he wants to do is be in his bedroom and so anything outside of that, he’s just horrible.

I'd be thankful for those words . Maybe he is less in the spectrum than you fear .
workwoes123 · 21/04/2022 17:08

OP

is it just you and him? No siblings or dad around? If so, that’s quite intense for both of you - and especially during holidays when you are out of your routine and together 24/7. what do you each expect from a holiday? Is it the same?

can you recreate a similar routine on holiday as you do at home? ie come to an agreement that you do something together in the morning (maybe take turns to pick what), then after lunch he can do what he likes on his own. Then you ‘meet up’ again for dinner in the evening. Can you leave him alone in the holiday accommodation (with devices) for the afternoon? I would happily do that with DS14 - in fact we frequently do so that DH and I can go wine tasting or to a museum that he’s just moan about.

so I have been trying to orchestrate situations for him to meet up with friends have have social interactions such as meeting with friends who have kids his age that we’re friends with does he want you to do this? I think he’s too old for you to be arranging enforced play dates, unless he knows and likes the other children already. Both my DSs would hate this.

we are changing the way we holiday as DS 14 is growing up. No more camping- he hates it. Plenty of activities. Plenty of down time where he can go off with his phone / just have time alone. And not putting pressure on him to be grateful and toe the line all the time.

Courage, it’s hard when reality doesn’t match expectations.

Btw I agree with the PPs that punching you is totally unacceptable. How did you deal with that ? Did he apologise?

orangeisthenewpuce · 21/04/2022 17:09

@AdviceNeeded367

He’s 14. He has ADHD & ASD but professionals involved have told me that his current behaviour is more “typical teenager” and less his autism & ADHD.

When he’s at school, he’s mostly fine as we have a routine where he is in his room afterwards other than for dinner. He doesn’t have any friends in the community so no one to play out with. All he wants to do is be in his bedroom and so anything outside of that, he’s just horrible.

I don't think punching you is typical teenage behaviour.
TomAllenWife · 21/04/2022 17:11

Yes my DS (17) has ruined most holidays for the last few years

This time we went with DP and it was awful

Won't be taking him again

iamapillock · 21/04/2022 17:13

I always thought it was a great business idea to have a kennels for kids. I'd have made good use of one!

theleafandnotthetree · 21/04/2022 17:20

OP you have my utmost sympathies and I would certainly not even attempt to go away with him or arrange great acttivites for him any time soon. I would much prefer to spend holiday money on the other 365 days a year or maybe the occasional night away for yourself than on what sounds like a stressful situation all round. But don't take this the wrong way, it is a relief to hear of other parents who have struggled with and eventually given up on family holidays with teenagers. There was a thread the other day which I found awfully smug about what a wonderful amazing time all these people have on their amazing trips with their amazing teen and twenty something children who they could scarcely imagine travelling without. I came away thinking there was something wrong with me or my child. I don't think there is, it's just not for everyone and there is no harm at all in letting go of expectations and imaginings of how things should be. Holidays have become such a signifier of all kinds of things, don't let them be that for you.

theleafandnotthetree · 21/04/2022 17:21

iamapillock · 21/04/2022 17:13

I always thought it was a great business idea to have a kennels for kids. I'd have made good use of one!

Isn't that what summer camps in the US are, always thought they looked the business!

workwoes123 · 21/04/2022 17:38

@theleafandnotthetree

here in France, with the 8 week summer holidays 🙄 it’s considered absolutely normal to send children and young teens away to one set of grand parents for two weeks, then the other set for another two weeks, then two weeks in a ‘ colonie de vacances’ which is basically a holiday camp where they do all sorts of activities (sports, cultural, languages, art, science) all day. Then, and only then, so they get to go away with their parents.

Original poster
AdviceNeeded367 · 21/04/2022 22:00

Yeah the punching me is new. He doesn’t see it as being a problem as he didn’t make a mark or hurt me properly. I’ve asked my mum to have him for the weekend when we get home so I can decompress and put together a plan of how to take things forward.

it’s just me and DS. No dad, no siblings. I only have my mum for support, she was a LP too. It’s all a bit intense and I’m upset that it’s yet another school holiday that’s essentially been shit. I think realistically, the change in routine is a big factor in DS’s behaviour. It seems anything longer than one week off school has a big impact on him and his behaviour. Summer holidays last year was particularly difficult. I think I’m future I need to break up the holidays with time at camps and with my mum, as well as time at home to fester in his bedroom and regulate - but definitely no holidays with me for at least a few years!!

With regard to the gig, when we spoke about it on Tuesday after he had punched me, I told him that his attitude needs to improve considerably if he still wants to go - to which he gave a snarky retort - so I’ve told him to assume he is no longer going. I’m not convinced that he can redeem himself sufficiently in the next 3 weeks in order to change my mind but if he’s prepared to put in the effort, I’ll take him, but it will mean a lot of chores.

OP posts:
Maydaysoonenough · 21/04/2022 22:02

We let ds 14 bring a friend to a costly holiday abroad. Horrific. Sent them home on a plane after a week.
We let teen dd's stay home (with adult siblings) and enjoy ourselves guilt free when we have short trips away.

aramox1 · 23/04/2022 06:15

If you can manage it, something that worked brilliantly for us was a group holiday with familes with similar age kids and organised activities- Families Worldwide and adventure companies, and there are some single parent ones. No room for grumbling and a peer group so you get a break.

bjjgirl · 23/04/2022 06:54

We go to an all inclusive with WiFi, our ddd just chill or go in the pool but can do as little or as much as they want

I would not drag them site seeing or on any tours. We eat together and they choose to watch the entertainment or get involved.

Take the pressure off

They would however refuse to go on butlins type holiday as they are just too old for it

bjjgirl · 23/04/2022 06:55

Same with camping, they need comfort, wifi, privacy and a pool

ApathyMartha · 23/04/2022 07:02

I have an autistic son (not a teenager yet) who moans all through the holiday and I haven’t booked one this year as I can’t be bothered with it. It sounds like he’s acting out because of anxiety (although the punching is unacceptable). Lockdown was wonderful for some people with the expectation about having to socialise not there. Many autistic children thrived. He may see it as a week of people when he needs time to himself and be quiet. What about a timetable of we’ll do this and the n you can stay in your room/do what he wants. At least then there’s not the potential for him that the whole week is going to be stressful but with opportunities for down time.

Joystir59 · 23/04/2022 07:17

Leave him at home. He is old enough to look after himself.

LoveAllCakes · 23/04/2022 07:18

Does he have any input with the holiday planning or you book what you want/think everyone will enjoy?

Joystir59 · 23/04/2022 07:19

I don't get why parents pay for holidays for stroppy teenagers that no longer want to be with them. I got left at home at 14, it was great to have the time to myself. What teenager wants to trail along on a family holiday?

sandgrown · 23/04/2022 07:20

I split with my ex last year . I always thought he displayed some traits of autism . As an adult he sabotaged many holidays which he told people afterwards he had really enjoyed . Reading this I now wonder if the change of routine was a contributing factor. My son also had spectacular meltdowns on holiday as a teenager but thankfully he now appreciates being taken anywhere so they can come through it .

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/04/2022 07:25

No, really loved trips with our youngest, just he and I. Dad is physically limited so we got around a lot by ourselves (was easier with eldest, when he was more able and we did a lot together: big age gap).

Just finishing first year at uni and still looking forward to a couple of mini trips with mum/sibling and family this summer.

Our eldest had outgrown the wish to go away with us by 15, so we didn’t force it. Certainly wouldn’t have appreciated Butlins at that age.

Have you asked him what he would like to do? Might not be a problem if he feels his view is being considered?

DrDreReturns · 23/04/2022 07:27

Phone the police if he punches you again. Seriously. We have had to do it with DS15 when he got physical with us. It made him realise how serious his behaviour was and he hasn't done it again. DS is on the spectrum too.

DrDreReturns · 23/04/2022 07:29

@Joystir59 you can't leave a 14 year old overnight by themselves. Pretty sure that's a no no.

timestheyarechanging · 23/04/2022 07:33

Mine were fine as teens going away as they did their own stuff and I did mine. but I'm happy they now go away with friends instead! Son (17) is going to Spain with his friends family (luxury complex lucky sod, but his dad and I are paying). Daughter (23) is going on safari with her boyfriend.
I have nothing booked!

camelfinger · 23/04/2022 07:35

I can distinctly remember being 14-15 and being particularly horrible on holiday. Obviously this was way before phones/YouTube etc but I felt so bored, missed my friends and boyfriend. I didn’t want to be dragged around sightseeing with my parents, just about tolerated a day on the beach (UK) but had nothing to do. Was also jealous of my friends who didn’t go on holiday and got the house to themselves! It is difficult because you are still treated like a child, but don’t yet think like an adult. I have young DC and am starting to appreciate that the window of holiday opportunity is very short!

RachelshouldvegonetoParis · 23/04/2022 07:35

I could have written your post a few years ago.

My son punched me too and was generally combative (HF autism) making me stop holidays. I even posted here about it. Someone suggested cruises which I thought a good idea but COVID arrived!

Anyway, re. the violence. MNers advised me to contact the police which I did. They arrested him and he spent one night in a cell.

I was so shocked that they did this but he’s never punched me again.